Kurt Lockwood: Jack Bauer

Quotes 

• [first lines] 

  Jack Bauer : [in voiceover reading the titles aloud]  The following takes place between 8:00 P.M./... and sometime Thursday morning/ Events occur in Pacific time

• Jack Bauer : [in voiceover]  Right now, I just buried my wife who was murdered by my ex-lover. My daughter is annoying the hell out of me and the Dodgers are losing in the seventh. I'm federal agent Jack Bauer and *this* is the longest day of my life.

• Kim Bauer : Dad! Dad! I need you to come to the back with me, right now!

  Jack Bauer : Kim, honey, I know you're upset.

  Kim Bauer : No, Dad, you don't understand. Something's wrong on this plane! Please, come on.

  Jack Bauer : You've been through a lot, sweetheart...

  Kim Bauer : Dad! You don't understand. The flight attendant's dead!

  Jack Bauer : What?

• Jack Bauer : [standing as plane begins to pitch]  I'm a federal agent. I need everybody back to their seats and remain *calm*. We're running outta time. I *will* land this plane safely.

  [to Kim] 

  Jack Bauer : It's okay, honey. Everything's gonna be fine.

  Air Marshal : [holding badge in Jack's face]  Federal Air Marshal. Get back to your seat.

  Jack Bauer : Stand down, I've got this.

• Co-Pilot : [after firing three rounds through the cockpit door, Jack bursts into the cockpit]  Who the hell are you?

  Jack Bauer : Name's Jack Bauer. I'm a federal agent with the Counter Terrorist Unit in Los Angeles.

  Co-Pilot : Well, you just shot the captain, you idiot!

  Jack Bauer : That's not important. I need you to land this plane, now!

  Co-Pilot : We're on approach to LAX.

  Jack Bauer : We'll never make it to LAX.

  Co-Pilot : It's only four miles away.

  Jack Bauer : Listen to me. We're running out of *time*. I need you to set this son of a bitch down on the four-oh-five, now!

  Co-Pilot : In the middle of rush hour?

  Jack Bauer : Listen, you set this goddamn plane down now, or I will!

  Co-Pilot : Go to Hell!

• Jack Bauer : I should've known. It's *your* ex-girlfriend.

  Tony Almeida : She was never my girlfriend. We just had dinner, and that's after *you* broke up with her. I never screwed her.

  Jack Bauer : Sorry. Your loss.

• Jack Bauer : Show me what you've got.

  Chloé O'Brian : Vegas was the key. Here she is photographed with Ron Jeremy at a convention, two years ago.

  Jack Bauer : I remember. She was doing blow-bangs undercover. Went by the name of Flick Shagwell. Posed as a British girl. Kinda hot.

  Chloé O'Brian : Yeah, it's thin, but it's all we got.

  Jack Bauer : Bring him in.

  Chloé O'Brian : He's already here. Interrogation room number two.

  Jack Bauer : Hold my murse. I'm gonna have a talk with him... man to hedgehog.

• Ron Jeremy : What's goin' on? Who are you people? Can I call my lawyer?

  Jack Bauer : You'd do better callin' a priest.

  Ron Jeremy : I'm Jewish, jackass.

  Jack Bauer : Then a bishop. Whatever. Point is, you're gonna tell me

  [slams fist on table] 

  Jack Bauer : *everything* that I want to know about Nina Myers, or I'm gonna hurt ya. And nobody is going to be able to stop me.

  Ron Jeremy : Okay, Nina Myers. Is she an actress? Does she have an agent? Manager? Does she do anal?

  Jack Bauer : You're gonna tell me everything that I want to know or my voice is going to become *very* unpleasant.

  Ron Jeremy : Your voice already is very unpleasant. Look, you know who the fuck I know. I hang out at the Rainbow Bar and Grill, I know rock stars, I fucked four thousand women, my name is on bottles of rum and I can suck my own dick!

• [last lines] 

  Jack Bauer : [answering cellphone]  It's Bauer.