Lewis Lovhaug: Linkara

Quotes 

• [opening lines] 

  Linkara : Last week, I did the review next to my Christmas tree, but now I'm on my usual set again! Why? Because I was there and back again!

  [smiles, pauses awkwardly] 

  Linkara : You see, because it's a thing with the book... SHUT UP!

• Linkara : Previously on "The Hobbit", Bilbo Baggins, the bravest little hobbit of them all, departed on a journey to steal treasure from a fire-breathing dragon. Hijinks ensued. To be specific, he got his hands on a not-sinister-at-all magic ring that let him turn invisible, escape death while helping set a forest on fire, flew first class without tipping the Eagles who had transported him, murdered a group of spiders who were just trying to find food in the crappy forest of Mirkwood, accompanied a party of dwarves as they trespassed on elvish territory, escaped their rightful imprisonment, and stowed away in wine barrels on their way to their final destination. So let's dig into "The Hobbit #3" and see how many more living creatures Bilbo can kill with his face-stabbing sword!

• Linkara : I think the movies have spoiled me. The cover features Smaug, and his size is... kind of unimpressive. Sure, he's big, but he's honestly not that much bigger than the Eagles. It seems difficult to imagine that he singlehandedly forced out the dwarf kingdom when he's not that huge. I suppose it's a bit more realistic compared to the impossibly huge chambers that the movies have that allow him to move around, but nothing else is realistic, so why the hell should dragon size and buildings be? I do love the looks on everybody's faces, Smaug especially. It's like he just turned the corner after going for a walk and suddenly there are these dwarves about to sneak into his home and he's like, "What? What the hell?" Bilbo and the dwarves seem equally flummoxed.

  Linkara : [speaking as one of the dwarves]  Oh, Smaug! Uh, didn't expect to see you out here! Um... uh... We're door-to-door jewelry salesmen and we'd like to show you this lovely ring.

• Linkara : We open where we left off last time, with the dwarves inside of the barrels and on their way to Lake-town. Oh, and Robin Hood is apparently one of the guys steering the barrel route. See, you talk a big talk about robbing from the rich and giving to the poor, but in the end, even you need a job, man.

• Linkara : [about Lake-town]  Naturally, it's built on the lake itself, with most of the support structures sitting on very solid rock under the water. Upon arriving in town, the elves leave the barrels in the water while they rest up and prepare their own things, giving Bilbo a chance to get all the dwarves out of their uncomfortable containers. Thorin, as you can see, has been twisted into a horrible mess from being crammed inside of one. Ever wonder how they get superheroines in comic books to contort their spines in bizarre shapes? I imagine it's something very similar to this.

  Bilbo Baggins : [to Thorin]  Well, are you alive or are you dead?

  Linkara : [as Thorin, imitating his uncomfortable position]  I feel dead. Does that count?

  Bilbo Baggins : If you want food, and if you want to go on with this silly adventure - it's yours after all and not mine...

  Linkara : [as Thorin]  Well, in that case, I'll take your share of the treasure if it's not your adventure, too!

  Bilbo Baggins : ...you had best slap your arms and rubs your legs and try and help me get the others out while there is a chance!

  Linkara : [as Thorin]  I would, but I don't think my arms are capable of moving in those directions anymore.

• Narrator : The glow of Smaug!

  Linkara : Smaug, the radioactive dragon! If "Radioactive Dragon" isn't the name of a band, it needs to be.

• Narrator : Dragons may not have much real use for all their wealth, but they know it to an ounce as a rule, especially after long possession; and Smaug was no exception.

  Linkara : So dragons just have OCD? This seems like a serious medical problem that the doctors of Middle Earth should look into. There's a research paper in this.