- Zeke: Damn, Tina. Now I got a story to tell on our wedding day. You think that's not gonna happen, but I'll get you, girl. I'm gonna get you.
- Linda Belcher: Kids, before you go to school, you want to see some art?
- Gene Belcher: I've already looked in the mirror once today, so I am good.
- Tina Belcher: Hi, Ms. Selbo.
- Ms. Selbo: Signing in for hall monitor duty? You know, there's a rumor going around that you're up for a big promotion.
- Tina Belcher: Oh, don't listen to rumors, Ms. Selbo.
- Ms. Selbo: Then what would I do? Just answer the phone when it rings?
- Tina Belcher: [to Zeke] If anyone asks, you have irritable bowel syndrome.
- Gene Belcher: All bowels are irritable.
- Regular Sized Rudy: Hi, Tina. I... I went ahead and signed you in.
- Tina Belcher: That was thoughtful, Rudy, but it's against the rules to forge a signature on the sign-in sheet.
- Regular Sized Rudy: Oh, yeah. The rules. I guess I played it pretty fast and loose.
- Tina Belcher: Yeah, let's save fast and loose for when you shake your caboose.
- Regular Sized Rudy: I guess when you're a hall monitor, you have to leave your feelings in your locker.
- Tina Belcher: And lose the combination.
- Tina Belcher: You called us, Mr. Frond?
- Mr. Frond: Ah, Tina, my star hall monitor and Regular Sized Rudy, my fixer-upper hall monitor.
- Regular Sized Rudy: I'll get there.
- Tina Belcher: I'll take it from here, Rudy. You finish your rounds.
- Regular Sized Rudy: Are you sure? Zeke's trouble.
- Tina Belcher: It's a midday run. I could do it in my sleep.
- Regular Sized Rudy: Yeah, but I want to help. I've never transported a perp.
- Tina Belcher: Yeah, we're good, Rudy.
- Regular Sized Rudy: Oh.
- Zeke: Oh, wow. Tina's giving Rudy some 'tude-y.
- Regular Sized Rudy: Shut up, Zeke. I'm sorry I said "shut up."
- Zeke: You shut up.
- Tina Belcher: [when she checks to see if Zeke is still in the boys' bathroom] Anybody in here? I'm coming in on 90% official hall monitor business and 10% curiosity.
- Regular Sized Rudy: [about Tina] I can't believe it. My hero's gone dirty. Stand down, feelings. Stand down.
- Linda Belcher: Mike the Mailman! Get in here! Talk to us! Please.
- Bob Belcher: You know what, don't use Mike as an excuse to change the subject, Lin.
- Mike: What was the subject? Your marriage?
- Zeke: [to Tina] Can I ask you something? Why do you want to be a hall monitor, anyway? It's just telling on kids.
- Tina Belcher: It's not telling on kids. It's helping on kids.
- Zeke: Well, you aren't helping on me.
- Tina Belcher: It's your own fault. You've committed a series of Mr. Wieners. That's what I call misdemeanors.
- Zeke: [to Tina] Listen, this is the truth. I broke into Coach's office so I could take the mascot uniform.
- Tina Belcher: The Wagstaff Whaler? Why?
- Zeke: I told you, for my grandma. She's having surgery today and I just wanted to mascot around for her before she went under the knife.
- Tina Belcher: You expect me to believe that?
- Zeke: Yeah. Grandma likes mascots. She met my grandpa when they were mascotting in college. They looked into each other's big dumb foam eyes and that was it.
- Zeke: [to Ms. Labonz] What are you doing, Miss L?
- Ms. Labonz: Smoking.
- Zeke: Cool.
- Ms. Labonz: Smoking is not cool, Zeke.
- Zeke: Yes, it is.
- Ms. Labonz: N... no, it's not.
- Zeke: Especially when teachers do it. That's cool! It's like you're teaching me to smoke. I love this stuff!
- Ms. Labonz: Don't... stop saying that, Zeke.
- Zeke: We're like best friends, man.
- Ms. Labonz: No, we're not. No.
- Zeke: We're bonding over cigarettes. That's pretty cool.
- Ms. Labonz: We are not bonding over cigarettes!
- Zeke: Sure we are. Hey, hey, let me get one of those! I've been dying to try one of them.
- Ms. Labonz: [to Zeke and Tina] You two get to class!
- Zeke: Come on. Throw one in my mouth. I'll see if I can catch it.
- Ms. Labonz: Stop. Stop talking to me.
- [leaves]
- Zeke: [to Tina] Took care of that. Adults get really nervous when you ask them for cigarettes.
- Zeke: [to Tina] If you don't let me go, I'm gonna chew my finger off!
- Tina Belcher: Zeke! Come on!
- Zeke: Grandma's gonna have to leave for the hospital soon!
- Tina Belcher: Even if what you were saying was true, you still should have asked for the mascot suit.
- Zeke: I did. I asked Coach B if I could borrow the suit fair and square, but he wouldn't let me. Probably thought I was gonna poop in it just 'cause I used to poop in stuff.
- Mr. Frond: Zeke, come back here!
- Tina Belcher: Let him go, Mr. Frond. He's going to see his grandma before she has surgery.
- Mr. Frond: His grandma? You naive little wide-eyed candy-dandy fool. This is Zeke we're talking about. Once, he faked lice. I think he used Sea-Monkeys.