The Trail to Oregon! (2015)

Rachael Soglin: Mother

Photos 

Quotes 

• Daughter : [Dramatically]  Oh, the good lord sent me back!

  [winks at audience] 

  Daughter : There I was at the pearly gates and St. Peter said to *me*: "Oh Mouthface, there is a fool family who is lost without you!"

  Mother : Did, uh, ahem... did you... did you just fake dying of dysentery?

  Daughter : [smiles]  Gotcha.

• Mother : [learning her son is dying of dysentery in one ending]  No, not my Craphole!

• Son : Are we gonna go skinny dipping?

  Mother : Why would we do that?

  Son : I don't know.

• Mother : If given the chance to kill any one of us, who would choose one of the children?

• [accepting her imminent death from dysentery] 

  Daughter : It's all right, family. This was God's will and we all know that God is a...

  Daughter , Father , Mother , Son , Grandpa : [together]  Vicious, two-faced prick.

  Daughter : At least maybe when I go to Heaven, I'll finally be reunited with my one true love, the Bandit King.

  [does the Bandit King move] 

  Daughter : And his one true love, Cletus Jones.

• Mother : [sings]  Slippery When Wet and I'm a mother of two / Could have been a banker, guess a farmer will do / Why did you get to choose?

  Father : Well, I don't know if you know this about me, but... I wrote the show. It's how this one goes.

  Mother : Well we aren't gonna get very far as a bunch of fucking farmers.

• Mother : Now, you see that girl right there? I made her out of my blood and my flesh, my sweat and my tears. And I love her more than the waking world. But I will smother her in her sleep before I see her ruin herself with some *thing* like you. So you better just run along now 'cause you'd have better luck sticking your pecker in a cactus.

• Mother : This ox doesn't have any teeth. Or eyes.

  Father : That's right, honey. That way he can't eat us or watch us undress. We do have a young daughter to think of. Now don't get any ideas, you horny ox.

• Mother : Oh, the good lord sent me back! Why, there I was at the pearly gates and St. Peter said to me... Oh Slippery When Wet, your work on Earth is not done. There is a fool child down there who is lost without you. And I said, Oh no no, please let me in, you don't know how she treats me!

• Mother : Look, we are out here starving in the middle of the woods and you wanna crawl up on me and inject me with your filth? Blegh.

  Father : Why you gotta say it like that?

• Father : Honey. I just want to double check... if we're talking about a literal, actual dog? Then yeah, to hell with the dog, family first, I won't ask for a dog again! But we're talking about me...

  Mother : Yes, we're talking about you.

  Father : Then my opinion of that dog's completely different!

• Mother : I did not love that banker and I did not love that carpenter. I loved the third kind of a person. A farmer.

• Father : All right, on three. What's this trip all about? One, two, three!

  Mother : Dying.

  [Said at the same time] 

  Daughter : Eating grass.

  [Said at the same time] 

  Son : Skinny dipping!

  [Said at the same time] 

  Horny Ox : I'm a monster!

  [Said at the same time] 

• Mother : We are setting our rations to bare bones, and our pace to grueling. We are not stopping for nothing. We are gonna blaze this trail all the way to Oregon! We're gonna do... a speed run.

• Mother : Now kids, say a few words for your poor, foolish father, please.

  Daughter : Pepperoni...

  Son : And... cheese?

  Mother : [pause]  Yep. Y - yeah... couldn't have said it better myself. Pepperoni and cheese, amen.

• Mother : And you, Jack Bauer. This is your family now. You have to lead them without me. And you can do it, you have changed.

  Father : Really, I have?

  Mother : Well... kind of. Uh, a little bit... well you know, enough to make me believe in you. But I swear if you backslide I will fly down from God's heaven and I will smack you into the devil's hell.

• Mother : [sings]  Come on, Jack Bauer, the water's just right...

  Father : Be right there, honey.

  [last lines]