Mom (TV Series)

Dirty Money and a Woman Named Mike (2015)

Mimi Kennedy: Marjorie Armstrong

Quotes 

• Bonnie : Did they have vending machines where you were locked up?

  Marjorie : No. There was this woman named Mike, she could get you anything you wanted, but you had to let her do things that made her feel like her name was Mike.

• Bonnie : I'll never forget my first night in prison, scared to DEATH.

  Marjorie : When'd you finally relax?

  Bonnie : I never did, I stayed scared the whole time. Did you gang up?

  Marjorie : Didn't have to. The first day in I went up to the biggest bull out in the yard and beat the crap out of her with my shoe.

  Bonnie : Really? Wow...

  [offers her candy] 

  Bonnie : Snickers bar?

• Marjorie : You guys will never believe this. We're outside and can't find a parking space, Regina says this little prayer, suddenly an SUV pulls out right in front of the restaurant, with time left on the meter.

  Regina : Ask and ye shall receive. Thank you, Jesus.

  Bonnie : Let me get this straight, there's war, disease and hunger, but God has time to find you a parking space?

  Regina : With time on the meter, thank you, Jesus!

• Bonnie : Do you think she has a wife by now?

  Marjorie : It's prison, not a prison *movie*. I think she's probably banging a guard.

• Regina : I was so lonely, I thought I might as well start drinking again. Now for those of you who haven't been to prison, if you want to get loaded you have two options: toilet wine, a lovely concoction of moldy bread, rotten fruit, and ketchup.

  Marjorie : [to Christy, Bonnie and Jill]  The ketchup makes it a rosé.

  Regina : Or, heroin, smuggled in by some boyfriend's poop chute. Either way, you have to *really* want it, and I did. But before I took it, I did something I haven't done since I was a little girl. I got on my knees and asked God for help. Wasn't really expecting to get an answer right away, in fact, wasn't expecting anything to happen. Then BAM! That whole cell was full with the Holy light of God!

  Jill Kendall : [whispering]  What do you think happened then?

  Regina : I was saved.

  Jill Kendall : [loudly]  Oh!

  Regina : What did I need with booze and drugs when I had the Holy spirit of God filling me?

  Jill Kendall : [jumps up]  TESTIFY!

• Marjorie : Can I just visit with a friend?

  Bonnie : No, talk.

  Marjorie : Can I have a sip of coffee first?

  Bonnie : No, you have a tiny bladder, talk!

• Marjorie : Nobody is happier than I am that Regina is free and I'm happy for her that she has found religion.

  Bonnie : But?

  Marjorie : But if I have to live with her for one more day, I'm going to rip her throat out.

  Bonnie : I knew it!

  Marjorie : All day long she's just 'God loves me!', 'God forgives me!' she's more tiring than the chemo.

  Bonnie : So you want an alibi.

  Marjorie : I want her to come live with you.

  Bonnie : So *I* need an alibi. Why don't you just pray for God to take Regina away?

  Marjorie : I tried, it didn't work.

• Marjorie : [after Christy said she was going with Regina to church just to show support]  What're you doing with a tambourine?

  Christy : ...I MADE THE JUNIOR CHOIR! Watch this,

  [taps it and sings] 

  Christy : Glory glory, glory glory... well it's more impressive with other people behind me.