Johnny Carson: Self - Host, Art Fern

Quotes 

• Johnny Carson : [on the purported Howard Hughes will produced by Melvin Dummar]  You didn't get anything, did you?

  Ed McMahon : Not a - not a word, no.

  Johnny Carson : And I - I haven't heard a thing. Anyway, tonight...

  Ed McMahon : [touching Johnny's arm]  I'm hoping that, you know... that you will remember me.

  Johnny Carson : Look, Ed - when I go, you go.

• Paul Lynde : I think timing is what you're born with - I think that *is* your talent. I think it makes you distinctive, no one's like you - and that's God-given to you. And, uh... uh, I - I prefer not to know what it is. I - you know, people say, "Uh, do you believe in analysis and things like that?" I do for many people, but I - I don't for - for performers. I think it should be a mystery.

  Johnny Carson : Yeah. It's like trying to analyze...

  Paul Lynde : I don't think you should know yourself that well.

  Johnny Carson : It's like trying to analyze comedy. There is nothing duller than to sit around with people...

  Paul Lynde : Oh, it's impossible.

  Johnny Carson : When they discuss why people laugh.

• Paul Lynde : You know, your grades go home first to your father - and, uh, you don't know what they are. And my dad called, and he - he can be... frank. And he said, "What the hell is V?" And, you know, when you're panicky, I said, "Oh - uh... valedictorian!" You know, what else? And so, uh... it was a snap course - it was one of those courses where everybody else in it was a football player. And I think it was drawer arrangement or somethin' like that. And, uh...

  Johnny Carson : Sock sorting, and that type of thing?

  Paul Lynde : And it really snapped back on me. And, uh, I went to the professor, who I thought had no humor. And he said, "V is for Visitor." He said, "You've never been in this class."

• Tea Time Matinee Lady : Beauty is skin deep, you know.

  Art Fern : We'll find out how deep it is later.

• Art Fern : There you are - a coffee bean bag chair. Don't sit too long, friends, or else your fanny will be awake all night.

• Art Fern : Could you use a large chest, friends?

  Tea Time Matinee Lady : I could use a large chest.

  Art Fern : You could use a set of curb feelers for the one you've already got.

• McLean Stevenson : [on a telethon for his hometown zoo]  If Bloomington, Illinois got two hundred million dollars for the zoo? Lord - they could get the zebra re-striped, and probably give a - the old lion there with the bad breath and the bad mane, they could trim that...

  Johnny Carson : What's the big attraction in the Miller Park Zoo there?

  McLean Stevenson : A 72-year-old giraffe.

• Bob Uecker : I think when you're a kid and, uh... you know, going into a store, uh... trying to - you know, you hang around the lingerie counter for a while, uh... You try to convince the lady behind the counter that you need a falsie for your catcher's glove. Uh...

  Johnny Carson : Embarrassing, of course.

  Bob Uecker : It's - then she asks you if you want a bra for your bat, or something like that.

• Bob Uecker : [on beanballs]  I called a lot of 'em, when I was catchin'.

  Johnny Carson : Yeah.

  Bob Uecker : I got my kicks, uh, you know, watchin' some pitcher throw at some guy's coconut... Plus, when a fight - like, when a fight would start, I'd keep all the stuff on, go out there with the mask and, uh...

  Johnny Carson : Oh, that's right - you have all the shin protectors.

  Bob Uecker : Yeah. Yeah. I was, uh... I was more of a sucker puncher - just walk around the circle, and hit guys in the back of the neck.

• Johnny Carson : Was it a... you say a religious school. Was it very - very disciplined?

  Carol Wayne : Yes.

  Johnny Carson : Did you ever get to see boys at all?

  Carol Wayne : Sure; they went.

  Johnny Carson : Oh, I see - it was a co-ed.

  Carol Wayne : Yeah.

  Johnny Carson : Oh, I didn't know that.

  Carol Wayne : They played the violin a lot, though.

  Johnny Carson : ...Who plays the violin?

  Carol Wayne : The boys played the violin - and the girls played the sports.

  Johnny Carson : I see. OK... Seems like a weird school, but, you know...