- Johnny Carson: [on the purported Howard Hughes will produced by Melvin Dummar] You didn't get anything, did you?
- Ed McMahon: Not a - not a word, no.
- Johnny Carson: And I - I haven't heard a thing. Anyway, tonight...
- Ed McMahon: [touching Johnny's arm] I'm hoping that, you know... that you will remember me.
- Johnny Carson: Look, Ed - when I go, you go.
- Paul Lynde: I think timing is what you're born with - I think that *is* your talent. I think it makes you distinctive, no one's like you - and that's God-given to you. And, uh... uh, I - I prefer not to know what it is. I - you know, people say, "Uh, do you believe in analysis and things like that?" I do for many people, but I - I don't for - for performers. I think it should be a mystery.
- Johnny Carson: Yeah. It's like trying to analyze...
- Paul Lynde: I don't think you should know yourself that well.
- Johnny Carson: It's like trying to analyze comedy. There is nothing duller than to sit around with people...
- Paul Lynde: Oh, it's impossible.
- Johnny Carson: When they discuss why people laugh.
- Paul Lynde: You know, your grades go home first to your father - and, uh, you don't know what they are. And my dad called, and he - he can be... frank. And he said, "What the hell is V?" And, you know, when you're panicky, I said, "Oh - uh... valedictorian!" You know, what else? And so, uh... it was a snap course - it was one of those courses where everybody else in it was a football player. And I think it was drawer arrangement or somethin' like that. And, uh...
- Johnny Carson: Sock sorting, and that type of thing?
- Paul Lynde: And it really snapped back on me. And, uh, I went to the professor, who I thought had no humor. And he said, "V is for Visitor." He said, "You've never been in this class."
- Art Fern: There you are - a coffee bean bag chair. Don't sit too long, friends, or else your fanny will be awake all night.
- Art Fern: Could you use a large chest, friends?
- Tea Time Matinee Lady: I could use a large chest.
- Art Fern: You could use a set of curb feelers for the one you've already got.
- McLean Stevenson: [on traveling in Texas] Just the most wonderful people. They come up to you, and they say, "McLean, we're just so glad you're here; this is my wife Margie Dell, we're from Fentworth - that's 57 miles northwest of Houston; we've been livin' down here 45 years. My dad was in the railroad business, and my mom's got oil wells. We've got a lot of cattle, a nice 23-year-old daughter. We're sure glad you're here." Then they leave!
- McLean Stevenson: [on a telethon for his hometown zoo] If Bloomington, Illinois got two hundred million dollars for the zoo? Lord - they could get the zebra re-striped, and probably give a - the old lion there with the bad breath and the bad mane, they could trim that...
- Johnny Carson: What's the big attraction in the Miller Park Zoo there?
- McLean Stevenson: A 72-year-old giraffe.
- Bob Uecker: I think when you're a kid and, uh... you know, going into a store, uh... trying to - you know, you hang around the lingerie counter for a while, uh... You try to convince the lady behind the counter that you need a falsie for your catcher's glove. Uh...
- Johnny Carson: Embarrassing, of course.
- Bob Uecker: It's - then she asks you if you want a bra for your bat, or something like that.
- Bob Uecker: [on beanballs] I called a lot of 'em, when I was catchin'.
- Johnny Carson: Yeah.
- Bob Uecker: I got my kicks, uh, you know, watchin' some pitcher throw at some guy's coconut... Plus, when a fight - like, when a fight would start, I'd keep all the stuff on, go out there with the mask and, uh...
- Johnny Carson: Oh, that's right - you have all the shin protectors.
- Bob Uecker: Yeah. Yeah. I was, uh... I was more of a sucker puncher - just walk around the circle, and hit guys in the back of the neck.
- Bob Uecker: Two guys grabbed me - two players grabbed me, one on each arm - the other guy standing right in front of me lifted my mask up and, I mean, gave me a shot in the chops and, uh... kind of aggravated me, 'cause they were - they were on my club.
- Johnny Carson: Was it a... you say a religious school. Was it very - very disciplined?
- Carol Wayne: Yes.
- Johnny Carson: Did you ever get to see boys at all?
- Carol Wayne: Sure; they went.
- Johnny Carson: Oh, I see - it was a co-ed.
- Carol Wayne: Yeah.
- Johnny Carson: Oh, I didn't know that.
- Carol Wayne: They played the violin a lot, though.
- Johnny Carson: ...Who plays the violin?
- Carol Wayne: The boys played the violin - and the girls played the sports.
- Johnny Carson: I see. OK... Seems like a weird school, but, you know...