- Carnac the Magnificent: [holding envelope to forehead] Soak the poor.
- Carnac the Magnificent: [opens envelope and reads] "What is the goal of the jacuzzi salesman in Bangalore?"
- Carnac the Magnificent: [holding envelope to forehead] Cash in their chips.
- Carnac the Magnificent: [opens envelope and reads] "What do buffaloes do at the savings and loans?"
- Carnac the Magnificent: [holding envelope to forehead] The Elephant Man.
- Carnac the Magnificent: [opens envelope and reads] "Who stole my peanuts, man?"
- Carnac the Magnificent: [holding envelope to forehead] Mechanical bucking bull.
- Carnac the Magnificent: [opens envelope and reads] "What do you get for a mechanical politician?"
- Carnac the Magnificent: May a crazed supermocket- market-
- [audience laughter]
- Ed McMahon: What was that?
- Carnac the Magnificent: May a crazed supermarket box boy double bag your sister.
- [Ed and audience laugh]
- Carnac the Magnificent: "Nobody can do it like McDonald can."
- [opens envelope]
- Carnac the Magnificent: "Why does Macdonald Carey's wife stay married?"
- [groans from audience]
- Ed McMahon: Would you like to pick up the one you threw away?
- Carnac the Magnificent: ...Good night!
- [runs off stage and behind the curtain]
- Carnac the Magnificent: [holding envelope to forehead] Screwdriver.
- Carnac the Magnificent: [opens envelope and reads] "What do you call a guy who delivers gas to your gas station?"