- Mackenzie Murphy: So, listen.
- Poodle: Yeah?
- Mackenzie Murphy: Poodle. Um, I wanted to give you an opportunity to invest in my future.
- Poodle: There it is. This is the Mickey that I know.
- Mackenzie Murphy: What are you talking about?
- Poodle: I was half your age when I settled down.
- Mackenzie Murphy: Settled down? You got knocked up by some rich guy when you were working as a stripper.
- Poodle: I was a waitress at a strip club.
- Mackenzie Murphy: You were a topless waitress. And that's even worse. It just means you couldn't dance.
- Poodle: Hey! I am a great dancer.
- Mackenzie Murphy: So, I have an idea. Ooh! Why don't we all just hunker down and play poker all night long, until this whole thing blows over?
- Sabrina Pemberton: That's not gonna work for me. Yeah, I'm gonna go to this fundraiser for Planned Parenthood. Probably crash at my friend's place, go to the city tomorrow. So don't just expect to see me too much. You know, we probably won't see each other at all.
- Mackenzie Murphy: Hmm.
- Sabrina Pemberton: But, hey, let's catch up again in ten years when you need another loan.
- Mackenzie Murphy: Listen, Sabrina, I got a lot riding on this gig, so can you do me a favor and not be a big, giant pain in the ass, please?
- Sabrina Pemberton: Maybe you don't know this, but Planned Parenthood provides health care to over three million women in this country.
- Mackenzie Murphy: Oh, sweetie, I know all about Planned Parenthood. I should have one of those punch cards that gets you a free sub every ten visits.
- Sabrina Pemberton: Gross.
- Mackenzie Murphy: I feel like we got off on the wrong foot, and I know you're going through a lot right now, um, with your parents and...
- Sabrina Pemberton: Oh, I don't care about that.
- Mackenzie Murphy: Oh. Okay, well, whether you do or you don't...
- Sabrina Pemberton: I don't.
- Mackenzie Murphy: All right, well, the point is I'm your aunt and I want to be the cool aunt. I want you to come to me with boy problems. Or girl problems. I don't assume.
- Sabrina Pemberton: I know you think you're pretty clever with this little plan to drink me under the table. But you see, there are two problems. You're not. And you can't.
- [finishing her drink, she takes Mackenzie's and downs it]
- Sabrina Pemberton: Peace out, Mackenzie.
- [she stands up, grunts, and sits back down]
- Mackenzie Murphy: Uh-oh. Something the matter?
- Sabrina Pemberton: No, I'm good, I just felt kind of funny for a second.
- Mackenzie Murphy: Oh, man. Funny how? Funny like you just drank six different types of sleep medication funny?
- Sabrina Pemberton: What?
- Mackenzie Murphy: You got straight played, homie.
- Sabrina Pemberton: No, but you took it, too. I...
- Mackenzie Murphy: I don't want you to worry about me. I can handle my 'Quil.
- Sabrina Pemberton: [stammering and slurring her words] Why'd you do that?
- Mackenzie Murphy: [mocking her stammer] Because I own you.
- Sabrina Pemberton: What?
- Mackenzie Murphy: Night night, princess.
- Geno: 'Sup, Chippy? How are your folks liking the clink?
- Mackenzie Murphy: [cackling] Oh!
- Chip Pemberton: Freaking Geno Pinero! I hate that guy.
- Mackenzie Murphy: Yeah. Well, do something about it.
- Chip Pemberton: Like what? The guy is a maniac. He stuck a garden hose up Danny Clerkin's butt and the water shot out of his nose!
- Mackenzie Murphy: Okay. Well, that didn't happen, but I am delighted that the rumor exists. Look, pal, next time he gives you crap, yank his pants down and point at his tiny pecker. That'll do it.
- Mackenzie Murphy: What are you still doing there?
- Ben Pemberton: I miss mommy and daddy.
- Mackenzie Murphy: Well... I'll tell you what, kid. Why don't you pop on up front? You are playing hooky today. Come on.
- Ben Pemberton: But what if I miss something important?
- Mackenzie Murphy: Like what? How to roll you boogers between your fingers 'till they disappear? Buckle up.
- Mackenzie Murphy: I am hung over.
- Ben Pemberton: What's hung over?
- Mackenzie Murphy: Well, you know, it's, like... you know when you eat a whole bunch of candy? Sweet stuff, and at the time it feels great, but then the next day you got, like, a tummy ache?
- Ben Pemberton: Uh-huh.
- Mackenzie Murphy: That's hung over.
- Ben Pemberton: Have you tried pooping? Sometimes that makes my tummy feel better.
- Mackenzie Murphy: I have not. But I will definitely take that into consideration. Thank you.
- Mackenzie Murphy: [seeing Chip with a bloody nose] Oh, great. What happened to you?
- Chip Pemberton: I'll tell you what happened. I tried to trump violence with humor and violence won by a landslide.
- Mackenzie Murphy: Well, clearly you didn't do it right. Did you remember to laugh at his tiny penis? That part's pretty important.
- Chip Pemberton: It was humongous! I'm lucky he didn't beat me with it.
- Security Guard: Do you live here?
- Sabrina Pemberton: Yeah.
- Security Guard: [meaning Mackenzie] Who is this?
- Sabrina Pemberton: [smirking] No idea.
- Security Guard: Okay, ma'am. Why don't we step outside until we figure this out?
- Mackenzie Murphy: You are not even a real cop. You've got a cloth badge.
- Security Guard: Don't make me detain you.
- Mackenzie Murphy: With what? You have no gun.
- Security Guard: No, I have a Taser.
- Mackenzie Murphy: Bitch, I hope you brought two, 'cause mama's got a real high tolerance.
- Mackenzie Murphy: Sabrina, it's me!
- [grinding the car gears]
- Mackenzie Murphy: AAH! Listen to me, you can't just steal owls. Uh, if you free this owl, I will murder another one, just to even the score. So, know that! This is an insane message. Call me back.