The Magicians (TV Series)

The Cock Barrens (2017)

Hale Appleman: Eliot Waugh

Photos 

Quotes 

• William 'Penny' Adiyodi : You got a royal botanist or something?

  Eliot Waugh : Oh, well, um, we did, but apparently he sort of got eaten on the job.

  William 'Penny' Adiyodi : [laughs]  By what? A plant?

  [Eliot is deadly serious] 

  William 'Penny' Adiyodi : I hate this place.

• Tick Pickwick : Your majesties, the much-venerated Emissaries of our neighbors to the north. I present Prince Ess of Loria.

  Eliot Waugh : I'm sorry *Princess*?

  Prince Ess : Please, call me Ess.

  Eliot Waugh : Prince... Ess. Oh, my God. Fuck your parents, dude.

• Eliot Waugh : [Watching Quentin do a strange sort of dance]  Um Remind me again what summoning Alice's niffin has to do with tai chi... I mean, ballet.

  Margo Hanson : It's niffin bait. You have to call to them at their point of their transformation with something personal.

  Eliot Waugh : Oooh. It's a sex thing.

  Quentin Coldwater : No, it's Cirque Du Soleil. You know Cirque Du Soleil?

  Eliot Waugh : You and Alice had sex to Cirque Du Soleil?

• Margo Hanson : He's a man. Who seems arrogant and entitled and unclear on the concept of consent. I can't imagine what could possibly go wrong.

  Eliot Waugh : Look, I'm not saying do it. It's just - You're a queen. I'm a king. We don't necessarily marry for love. It's part of the job.

  Margo Hanson : Fine, I'll talk to him, but only to negotiate us out of this epic clusterfuck. I'm staying a virgin.

• Margo Hanson : [to Prince Ess]  You fucked with us.

  Eliot Waugh : Mm-hmm, yes, he did.

  Margo Hanson : You fucked with our castle.

  Eliot Waugh : Amen, sister.

  Margo Hanson : And now we're gonna put our Jimmy Choos so far up your ass, you're gonna taste next season.

  Eliot Waugh : Exactly. Whatever that means.

  Margo Hanson : The High King and I hereby declare war on the Kingdom of Loria!

• Eliot Waugh : What the actual all-encompassing fuck is this?

  Timid Servant : Your majesty, you said you wanted a unicorn milk latte.

  Eliot Waugh : I was joking. Wait, you milked a unicorn?

• Prince Ess : You guys have been fucking shit up for over half a century.

  Margo Hanson : Oookay.

  Eliot Waugh : [Whispers to Tick]  This is how Lorians talk?

  Tick Pickwick : The Prince speaks fluent Earth. Rumor has it his mother is from, uh, Cincinn-ah-ti.

• Prince Ess : I'm here to propose a treaty between our two kingdoms. A 50/50 split of the Wellspring. And to seal the alliance, I, Crown Prince of Loria, offer my hand in marriage to the Virgin Queen Margo.

  Eliot Waugh : [Snorts]  Um, okay.

  Margo Hanson : Did he just call me a virgin?

• Margo Hanson : You're not leaving me in a castle full of barbarian frat bros.

  Eliot Waugh : Okay, fine, but while we're talking about them, you could've been a little diplomatic.

  Margo Hanson : By agreeing to marry a complete stranger on the spot?

  Eliot Waugh : I did it.

  Margo Hanson : ...That was different.

  Eliot Waugh : [Scoffs]  You're right, this would only really be equivalent if Ess was a girl, and you found pussy, you know, interesting in a sometimes- you-like-Thai-food kinda way, and now it's all Thai food forever till you die.

• Fen : Eliot, please understand. I had a life before you came. I had no idea if you even *would* come. Fillory is my home and I care about it.

  Eliot Waugh : So you became a terrorist?