Mom (TV Series)

A Few Thongs and a Hawaiian Funeral (2017)

Anna Faris: Christy Plunkett

Quotes 

• Bonnie : [to Jill]  I'll take a few thongs if you're paying!

  Enid : She's too old for thongs.

  Christy : We're just glad that she's *wearing* underwear these days.

• Christy : Right now your brain is still in detox, which means every single thing you're thinking is wrong or bad.

  Natasha : Yeah but...

  Christy : Wrong!

  Natasha : I think I get...

  Christy : Bad!

  Natasha : You're not even listening to...

  Christy : Wrong! And if you keep it up, I might throw in 'stupid' too.

• Bonnie : Come on, Samson, don't you want your blood pressure regulated?

  Christy : [speaking for Samson in a deep gruff voice]  Well, in a perfect world I'd rather be licking my balls!

  Bonnie : I don't find that amusing.

  Christy : That's because you're dead inside.

• Natasha : I was in my room singing, you know, warming up my vocal chords, and my meth head roommate bit me!

  [holds up bandaged hand] 

  Christy : Just your luck you find a meth head with teeth.

  Natasha : I know, right? Story of my life!

• Christy : Should we be talking about this right now?

  Natasha : Oh it's okay, she knows her mama was a stripper.

  Emily : I learned my numbers by counting singles.

• Christy : Here's where you write down the names of everyone that did you wrong, and here's where you write what they did, and the most important part, the role that *you* played in it.

  Natasha : But, I didn't do anything.

  Christy : Really, Natasha? You're in rehab, your child is in foster care, and a meth head bit you on your punching hand. Are you *sure* you didn't have anything to do with it?

• Natasha : I'm in good hands with Bambi here.

  Jill Kendall : Bambi?

  Christy : It was my stripper name.

  Jill Kendall : You named yourself after a baby deer who saw his mother get her head blown off?

  Christy : ...I had the big eyes.

• Bonnie : Are you kidding me? You spit it out again?

  Christy : [speaking as Samson]  Sorry, I'm just trying to take your mind off your boyfriend banging his ex-wife in Hawaii.

• Bonnie : I hid the pill in peanut butter, cheese, hamburger, he just spits it out every time. He's like a street magician.

  Christy : You gave him my hamburger?

  Bonnie : Right now I'd give him $100 if he'd just swallow the pill.

• Bonnie : [holds up skimpy red teddy]  This makes me long for the years of cocaine.

  Christy : Yeah I remember you wearing one of those to my 2nd grade spelling bee. Pretty sure I was the only 8 year old who could spell 'inappropriate'.

• Jill Kendall : Emily, do you want to try on this bra?

  Emily : Please stop saying bra.

  Jill Kendall : Would brassiere be better?

  Christy : Brassiere: B-R-A-S-S-I-E-R-E, brassiere.

  [grins] 

  Bonnie : Actually I think there's a Z in there, but good try anyway.

• Jill Kendall : I remember when I was in rehab, I felt so lonely and scared and just wanted to drink all the time.

  Natasha : You've been in rehab?

  Christy : Yep, and look at her now, she hasn't driven a Maserati into a storefront for 3 whole years!

• Christy : So how're you liking sobriety?

  Natasha : [laughs]  Come on, Christy, nobody *likes* being sober.

  Christy : Well, I do. I've been sober for 4 years and now I'm going to law school.

• Jill Kendall : This is just like the rehab I was in.

  Christy : Really? Because when I went to visit you, the pool boy led me right to your cabana.

  Jill Kendall : That doesn't mean it wasn't hard, for instance, that pool was *not* heated.

• Christy : [on the phone]  No Natasha, that's a bad idea. Yeah, okay, bye.

  [hangs up] 

  Wendy : What'd she want to do?

  Christy : Host a casino night at the rehab center to steal everyone's disability checks.

  Bonnie : I tried that once, it's a bitch cashing them.

  Marjorie : Hey, at least she thought about it and called you before she just went and did it.