- Jake Peralta: [Talks to himself, trying to get through solitary] Okay. No big deal. Five days is nothing. I'm not afraid to be alone with my thoughts. My thoughts are awesome. "Die Hard 6" on a cruise ship, pizza bagel restaurant, my father never loved me, I'm gonna die alone oh, boy, that happened fast.
- Caleb: Well, you know, whenever I'm backed into a corner, I just do what I do best: I drive across country, forge a new identity, and then take a job as a camp counselor.
- Jake Peralta: Oh, my God. Caleb, you're a genius.
- Caleb: I wouldn't say genius. That camp ran a pretty extensive background check.
- Jake Peralta: Oh, my God, I guess I'm addicted to meth. No, I'm not. I just love it and I am consumed with the thought of doing it again.
- Guard: It just seems like you wanna be with Jamie-Lynn. I mean, you keep talking about her thigh gap.
- Captain Ray Holt: That's my favorite part of a woman. There's nothing more intoxicating than the clear absence of a penis.
- Amy Santiago: [Commenting on a book wrongfully shelved at the library] A 300 call number in the fine arts section? What is this, Beirut?
- Warden Granville: Maybe you just need some extra incentive. Find the stash, or I'll tell everybody you're a snitch.
- Jake Peralta: What? No. They'll kill me. You don't want that, right? It'd probably be a lot of paperwork for you.
- Warden Granville: Oh, it's not. It's just one form, and it's already filled out. We just have to staple a picture of your corpse to it.
- Jake Peralta: Great. Prison... is great.