Nostalgia Critic (TV Series)

Jack and Jill (2018)

Doug Walker: Nostalgia Critic

Quotes 

• Nostalgia Critic : Let's take a look at the first film in history to win a Razzie Award in every category: "Jack and Jill". This is a film so infamously despised that even the trailer got people deeming it the worst movie ever. Hell, the mere idea got people saying it's the worst movie ever: Adam Sandler has a twin sister who - what a shock - is loud, loves farts, and has no distinct character outside of an unfunny voice. You got an hour and a half of that, baby! The common comparison is that it looks like one of the fake movies made up in Adam Sandler's dramatic comedy "Funny People", mocking the cheap humor of his films. But this isn't satire, this is real life, where dreams go to die! It appears on a ton of "worst films ever" lists, it's said to be Sandler's worst, even by Adam Sandler movie standards, and, for some reason, we've got to take a look at it.

• Nostalgia Critic : It opens with a collection of twins talking about what it's like to be twins on the set of a milk commercial. I just knew going in I'd be comparing this to "When Harry Met Sally".

• Nostalgia Critic : It looks like Sandler is on the set of a commercial... or an unused "Dana Carvey Show" sketch... as he plays Jack, an ad executive who... OH, MY GOD! AN AD EXECUTIVE? REALLY? *REALLY?* Okay, look, I know that doesn't sound like a big deal, but here's the thing: Sandler's films are infamously known for their product placements.

  [a montage of brands in past Sandler films are shown to prove his point: Yoo-Hoo in "Big Daddy", the Snack Pack in "Billy Madison", and Popeye's Chicken in "Little Nicky", among others] 

  Nostalgia Critic : So now, they literally just make him an ad executive! Just cut through the shit, he's gonna be surrounded by ads. And after the opening credits, how many plugs do we have?

  [Ted, played by Tim Meadows, worries about losing Dunkin' Donuts] 

  Nostalgia Critic : HOLY CRAP! No! You know what? I better not say that! That might sound like an ad for Pepto! It could only get worse by making it the focus of the story... play it.

  [a clip of the movie is shown: Jack trying to get Al Pacino to advertise the Dunkaccino at Dunkin' Donuts] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh, yeah! That's his mission throughout the entire film: Trying to get Al Pacino to advertise the Dunkaccino!

• Nostalgia Critic : Christ, I could go for a Diet Coke right now...

  [in the film, Jack has a can of Diet Coke] 

  Nostalgia Critic : OH, MY GOD! IT'S WORKING ON ME, AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW IT!

• Nostalgia Critic : We're up to four product placements in the first four minutes! That's a product placement per minute! FOR THE LOVE OF INSERT YOUR AD HERE, JUST TELL A STORY!

  [cue the appearance of Jack's twin sister, Jill, who, like Jack, is played by Adam Sandler] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Go back to the product placements! Go back to the product placements!

• Nostalgia Critic : So, believe it or not, that's Sandler as the twin sister, who flew in for Thanksgiving at American Airlines... Are you sure Sandler himself isn't a product by this point?

• Nostalgia Critic : Now, Jill is different from Sandler's wide range of characters who are loud, high-pitched and have a lisp, because this one also has boobs. Oh, wait, he's done that before. There is no difference between this and his other characters.

• Nostalgia Critic : [about Jill]  She also has a talking bird, which... I guess could be funny, but it literally just says one catchphrase.

  [the bird, named Poopsie, is heard saying "Where were you?"] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Even if you were gonna do that, could it be something funny at least it says over and over? Like, "Learn how to say 'Subway', you dumb bird! I'm gonna lose my job if I don't teach you this product placement, dumb bird!" Not that the other two loud parakeets that are never funny are much better. Oh, those are both Adam Sandlers.

  [laughs] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Sorry, they blend.

• Nostalgia Critic : So we cut to Sandler's Thanksgiving, which comprises of a homeless man, a girl in a pilgrim costume, a boy who tapes things to himself, and Katie Holmes. Why is Katie Holmes the strangest thing in that lineup?

• Nostalgia Critic : [about Jill]  You ever wonder what would happen if Linda from "Bob's Burgers" took on the identity of any of the Monty Python actors in drag? You haven't. You shouldn't, but you are now. Thanks, movie!

• Nostalgia Critic : It's like a white Madea Thanksgiving, except there's two Madeas.

  [he looks offscreen] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Stop writing that down, Tyler Perry!

  [Malcolm, wearing a Tyler Perry mask, is seen throwing a pen and paper down in disgust] 

• [in the movie, Jack sees Jill sleeping with him on the couch and smiling creepily at him, freaking him out] 

  Nostalgia Critic : That is actually what you wake up to in Hell. Or, at least, it probably should be.

  [he points offscreen] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Stop writing that down, Satan!

  [Satan is seen throwing a pen and paper down in disgust, groaning in frustration] 

• Nostalgia Critic : They go on "The Price Is Right", because somebody has blackmailed photos of somebody, and Jill gets to spin the wheel.

  [Jill spins the Big Wheel, but it somehow knocks her out] 

  Nostalgia Critic : I don't even know how that was supposed to knock her out. It didn't look like there's anything on the wheel to knock her out. But you know what? It's quiet for a few seconds. I count my blessings.

• Nostalgia Critic : Fifteen minutes in, and already I'm praying for nuclear annihilation.

  [looks up, then scowls] 

  Nostalgia Critic : I knew you didn't love me, God.

• [as the movie goes on, the Critic sees a dead fly fall on his desk and notices several other dead flies there as well] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Well, I'll give the film this: it's great insect repellent.