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spike54
Reviews
Paradise Alley (1978)
One of the worst movies ever made - but so bad it's good
Coming off the success of Rocky, Stallone gave us this gem - which he stars in, wrote, directed. And he sings the theme song (offering little competition to his brother Frank, who has a small role in the movie). Even though it's set in New York in the 1940s, Stallone sports shoulder length hair and an earring. Basically it's "Rocky" in the 40s and about wrestling. The movie is also somewhat notable for being Tom Waits' film debut (he also wrote the theme song). With Lazlo Kovacs behind the camera, first rate production design and art direction, music from Bill Conti, and a generally first rate supporting cast, this ALMOST resembles a real movie. But like "Hudson Hawk", this is merely a vanity project that's probably best seen stoned - or spin the DVD to get unwanted guests out of the house.
Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones (2002)
Why This Movie Doesn't Work
Warning - some plot spoilers probably contained herein.
Lucas has manufactured an interesting trap for himself. By telling episodes 4, 5 and 6 first and then going back to the first three, he is essentially telling us a story we already know. Some of the details are new, but every Star Wars fan knows all the broad strokes already.
Granted, there are only a dozen plots in all of literature and success or failure stems from the way in which the plot has been told. But this very point dooms Lucas to failure because his strengths have never included writing dialogue or directing actors. Given the exposition-heavy nature of this film, he clearly needed both a better co-writer and needed to hand this over to another director, as he did so successfully with Empire Strikes Back.
Beyond that, one reason that the original Star Wars movies worked so well was the influence of Joseph Campbell and the way Campbell's theories on mythology were applied to give an incredible back story to the characters and action. It's one of the reasons Lord of the Rings always worked so well for so many. Now we're seeing that back story on film, but it needs its own back story to give it resonance, and that's not provided.
We are left with two hours of really embarrassing dialogue and acting, in some cases from some excellent actors who are truly wasted here, especially Samuel Jackson. Plus a final half hour that basically gives us what we want and expect from a Star Wars (tm) franchise vehicle. But by the time you get there, you may not care.
Other problems:
Throwing away logic for convenience. As one example, in this film R2-D2 flies. He never flies in 4,5,6. So how could he fly now and not later?
Lack of suspense. Lord Dooku is carrying the only plans for the Death Star. We know the Death Star is built in #4. Therefore, we know that Dooku will escape in his duel with Yoda and Obi-wan. And since we know that both Yoda and Obi-wan will appear in future installments, we know that they are not in mortal danger either. (And frankly speaking, that hurling of electric bolts back and forth reminded me of the cheesy wizards' battle between Karloff and Price in Roger Corman's 1963 "The Raven".)
I'm sure Clones will gross 400 million in the US and double that globally. That does not make it a good movie. The joy that was in every frame in the original Star Wars is completely gone, bogged down in a $140 million 2-1/2 hour trailer for the technical capabilities of ILM.
Clones' guaranteed success means that Lucas will follow the same path for episode three, and it will fail in the same ways. Lucas needs to open up, release an iota of control, bring in a stronger collaborator or two. Right now all I can do is hope that he will not make a 7, 8 or 9. And I'll sit back and wait for future installments of Lord of the Rings and Matrix instead.
Zoolander (2001)
Not that bad, not that good
A bit better than Mystery Men, at least it moves along at a faster clip and the jokes come at you quickly enough that when 3 or 4 fall flat, the next one might hit you. Overall, I think it should have been funnier than it was, but perhaps it's a bit hard to send up something (male fashion modeling) that's already something of a send-up on its own. Most of the fun comes from the cameo appearances, Jon Voight as Zoolander's father, David Bowie refereeing the "walk off", even the bizarre cameo by Andy Dick.
I'll ask the same question that Roger Ebert did. Why did they have to pick on Malaysia for this? Why not use a fictitious country (as the Marx Bros. did in Duck Soup, Peter Sellers in Mouse That Roared, dozens of other references)?
And then, once having chosen Malaysia, why is everything about it completely inaccurate? Never mind the fact that the "news shots" in Malaysia show signs in English and Arabic, which is completely wrong. What about the fact that at the end, when Zoolander addresses the Malaysian PM in what the audience will assume to be Malaysian, he's actually speaking Bahasa Indonesia? Sloppy, sloppy, sloppy.
Planet of the Apes (2001)
Depressing
Have just watched this and am completely unmoved.
I am a big fan of some of Tim Burton's work. I was never that big a fan of the original movie, finding it a goofy B movie that has seen its reputation grow in recent years much like the band Kiss. So I did have some hope that, despite the mixed reviews, I might come down on the positive side.
Early on, I sort of liked it. I liked the way the apes acted more like apes in their movement and mannerisms, but soon I felt that it was becoming unnecessary comic relief - sort of like bad old movies poking fun at racial stereotypes. And yes, Wahlberg is a failure in the lead role. He seems curiously detached and his performance just sucks energy out of the movie.
But Estella Warren is the tip-off here. We have a supermodel in a skimpy outfit who serves no purpose in the film other than someone/thing to look at. Why is she here? I am convinced more than ever that this element, as well as others, ended up there as a result of market research and studio demands as opposed to anything resembling "artistic vision" by the director.
From there, I can only think that we are starting to witness the downfall of Burton. Much as Coppola went from "The Conversation" and "Apocalypse Now" to "Jack" (not that I mean to say that Burton's aspirations were ever the equal of the messages that Coppola conveyed in his best work). Any pretense of Burton as an artist or visionary is gone with this film. He might as well direct Lethal Weapon 5 next.
Lei ting zhan jing (2000)
Idiotic Stupid Nonsense
This movie was reportedly the top grossing local film in HK movie theatres over the Xmas 2000 season. Tired plot, stupid dialogue (and Aaron Kwok's Mandarin is awful, even worse than his English), "entertainment" (if one can even use the word to describe this waste of celluloid) for the easily amused. Rated it a "2" because some of the action sequences are at least halfway decent and because Fujiwara does appear in a very tiny bikini. Hard to believe that Stanley Tong could have gone downhill from Mr. Magoo, but he has done it!