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Reviews
Asteroid-a-Geddon (2020)
Asteroid-a-woeful
I was watching this on TV thinking I'd maybe give it a bit of leeway as it must have been made in the 70s. How wrong I was, it hails from just 4 years ago!
So, the acting is so wooden, you'd get a splinter off it. The dialogue makes little sense other than someone doing cliche-bingo. The characters are utterly unbelievable and unconvincing, I mean giving a guy a pair of glasses and a notepad and he's a genius.
Special effects and action are way short of anything credible and fail to create any excitement or tension. I mean, load all your supplies on to one truck being driven by some hobo? A truck that takes 200 metres to stop when someone jams on the brakes? Does the director have any idea how physics works?
You'd get more fun by having a nap!
The Recall (2017)
Nothin new to the alien genre
With Wesley Snipes of obvious fame and MJ Mitte who delivered a convincing Walter White Jr. In Breaking Bad, I thought this movie might have something going for it. Sadly I was wrong.
The plot, such that it is, is the same tired old 'one at a time' alien invasion trope. In attempting to conquer a planet, said aliens pussyfoot around a single area of woodland where our protagonists are holding out, shining strange lights and leaving goo as only aliens do. The fact they're outwitted by a bunch of teenagers says it all, they've developed tractor beams to whisk a hapless victim up into their ship but can't detect three more teenagers crouching nearby. They're also prone to falling into spikey traps and growling. Wesley does what he can as the antisocial but lethal hermit while the teenagers run around making not much sense at all. The dialogue is inconsistent with the group immediately identifying a cabin as 'abandoned' and then announcing it has a doppler radar and military radio... why? Because they're suddenly experts at what exactly?
It's hard to think of any redeeming features in this movie other than to sit there and wonder what cliche they're going to throw in next. The filming is expectedly obvious with dark woodlands in the middle of nowhere being well lit at night, alien ships with bright blue lights and so on.
If it's originality, true suspense or credible acting you're after then I'm afraid this is not it.
No One Will Save You (2023)
Cliche after cliche with dimwitted aliens
Home alone girl encounters an alien is a fresh take on the time honoured alien invasion story so that piqued my interest. Unfortunately any originality was quickly dispelled by the use of the same old cliches that we've had for decades in this genre. Firstly, let me say that until directors and actors learn that constant hyperventilation is NOT the means by which to convert fear and suspense. Kaitlyn Dever may be an accomplished actress but her constant panting very quickly becomes annoying.
Then it quickly became a cliche invasion rather than an alien invasion. So, when aliens are around the electricity goes out and it takes the protagonist repeated tries off the light switches to confirm this (and of course the car won't start). When she falls on her back on the bus trying to escape, all she can do is shuffle along feebly on her back rather that get up and run. When she walks up a path towards a gate, she stops feet from the gate and turns around to survey the surrounding before completely forgetting about the gate and backing into it. Then there are thundery clouds and flashing lights in the sky. Let's add bright lights being shone through windows and screws/nails being pushed out from the other side. In essence it's a whole load of dramatic music, little or no dialogue and Kaitlyn running around panting for the most part. There's even a nod to The Shining and you almost expect the alien to say "Here's Johnny!' as it smashed the door and pokes its head through.
I kept wondering, what is the hook? What is it that I'll enjoy? What will keep me watching? In the end I realised that I wasn't invested in the character, the aliens looked like your stereotypical greys from countless other movies, the acting (such as it was) was mediocre in the extreme and I ceased to care what happened to anyone or anything. In the end I only watched to see what other cliches they could add and whether Kaitlyn would become hypoxic from the constant panting. Sadly she didn't because that would have been original.
Dark Asset (2023)
Super soldier, not so super movie
The story isn't particularly original - guy with a chip in his head that makes him a super soldier goes rogue. The whole thing is very contrived from the start and leaves the viewer with so many questions. How come there's no way to shut down the chip except from one tablet computer? If he's so dangerous, how come there isn't better security? Why do the guards not take cover and instead just run into bullets? Why do we have a computer screen helpfully telling the audience things like "Door unlocked"? Why do we have to have the gender ideology agenda being pedalled again? These and so many more questions in what is a cliched, highly unoriginal and utterly predictable storyline. The acting is bordering on wooden and you simply don't get invested in the characters. Even with the short 85 minute runtime this movie is ultimately disappointing.
Judy Justice (2021)
Still going though not as strong
Born in 1942 and aged 79 at the start of filming, it seems Judy Sheindlin isn't ready to give up the gowns. The action still takes place in a studio decked out as a courtroom although as before these aren't actually court trials, rather they are arbitrations with Sheindlin as the arbitrator and the litigants, having signed TV agreements, agreeing to abide by the outcome of the show.
The dynamic has changed somewhat, and not entirely for the best. In the original series Sheindlin was razor sharp, and while often railroading the witnesses in her own unique style, you could generally understand the outcomes. The dynamic between her and Officer Byrd was a key part of the show, Byrd standing to her left with an air of authority adding gravitas and humour in equal measure when required. His interactions with her felt like they were equals despite their roles. This new show adds more characters and rather than the fly-on-the-wall docu-series of old, it now feels more like a glitzy TV production. Kevin Rasco as the bailiff gets top billing on IMDb yet his role feels more like that of a subservient usher, exchanging scripted pleasantries with Sheindlin. To her left is a new character, a stenographer and I did wonder why she's there when there are multiple cameras and microphones capturing everything. WeWell,t seems Sheindlin's memory isn't quite what it was (although still impressive for an octogenarian) and at times the stenographer can repeat statements as required. To her right is her granddaughter who, while studying at law school, is tasked with being able to 'research matters' pertinent to the case. Perhaps she just Google's stuff although with technology such as social media and smart phones being a factor more and more, I guess she acts as a pair of young eyes more abreast with these things. One could also argue that she's there simply because she's launching her career off her grand-mother's back, but then if you were famous and could give your child a break, wouldn't you do too?
Yes, she's slowing down a bit, but Sheindlin still has fire in her belly, a temper and an ability to make the public look as dumb as they really are. Still worth watching.
Top Gun: Maverick (2022)
Cheesey and predictable
I had high expectations coming to this movie... very high with so many people waxing lyrical and ten out of ten ratings.
To me, ten out of ten says the movie is perfect. Couldn't be improved on in any way. Without fault. Ok, let's take the plot first. Well it's simple. Stereotypically simple, I don't think the writers put very much thought into it at all. 'Un-named' foreign power. Check. Developing nukes. Check. Violation of international law. Check. US can act unilaterally and without consultation. Check. Mission looks impossible. Check. Only one man can do it. Check. Deadline moved up a week. Check. Skeletons from the past, turns to bromance at the end. Check. Nick of time saves. Check. Leading man gets the girl. Check. Check! There is nothing about the plot or delivery that is original, it's just the same old ingredients, stirred up and fed to a wide-eyed audience. Yes, Cruise can fly a fighter jet and I take my hat off to him for that, but was this movie just an excuse for him to pull some stunts? Who knows because none of the characters seemed to develop beyond their immense egos. The one exception for me was Val Kilmer, no ego at all just the bittersweet true life story playing out in the movie. Perhaps a touching swansong and the only 5 minutes of the movie that felt real. I wasn't invested in any other character to be honest, as cheesey, predictable dialogue and action sequences just flooded the screen. As the action became more frantic, so did the utterly ridiculous strokes of luck. The whole movie seemed like someone had buttered 50 pieces of bread, thrown them all in the air at once and every single piece landed buttered-side up! Towards the end we were all shouting "please make it stop!" but no, more totally implausible US chest beating was delivered.
Tom Cruise is a consummate actor and I have enjoyed many of his films but this was just a string of groan-worthy stunts.
Halloween Kills (2021)
Two stars more than it deserves
So what is this? The 47th Halloween movie?
Ok, the apparently bulletproof, stabproof, fireproof and generally killproof Michael Myers turns up again and does EXACTLY what he did in the previous 46 Halloween movies (probably because all his adversaries adhere to the 'only attack one at a time' routine). As for the hapless victims, well they're as idiotic, unprepared and generally incapable of any sentient actions as the victims in all the previous movies. What exactly is there to see and enjoy here? If they'd taken the original movie, edited it into 5 minute chunks and re-ordered it, the result would be the same dirge of predictable nonsense. Even casting Jamie Lee Curtis and a Donald Pleasance look-alike doesn't redeem this embarrassment of a film.
Please, when the next Halloween script hits the desk (and trust me, there will be one), work out what the film will cost and then donate the money to a good cause instead!
Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings (2021)
Trouble staying awake.
There wasn't a shred or originality in this film, it was just a long sequence of tired old plot lines and stereotypes mixed up with ridiculous CGI. Take any 5 minute sequence and it's been done to death in so many other films already - they may as well have just copied scenes from every other movie of a similar type. The whole thing was an embarrassment!
The Lost Symbol (2021)
Frustrating and silly
Aside from the usual affliction of actors having to hyperventilate to indicate alarm or dismay, this series yet again falls into the "Why on earth..." category. For instance, when the CIA have the bad guy at gunpoint at the edge of a 'cloudy area' (what weather phenomenon causes that then?) and he raises his arms, why the hell don't they shoot him in the legs? The whole show is a series of contrived situations that leave you ultimately frustrated, shouting "Why didn't they..." or "Why did they...". The whole thing is a mess of melodrama and stupidity. You have to stretch your imagination to secret societies and hidden codecs, and then you have to stretch it further for the jokers acting it out! No thanks.
Infinite (2021)
Nonsensical Cliched pulp
Assassins creed meets GI Joe with another bunch of cliched characters rolls off the conveyor belt. Arch villain has the knowledge and technology to end all creation but doesn't use it, instead he 'loses' it and somehow also loses the knowledge of how to make another one. The plot is lazy, the cinematography is lazy (how many more times are we going to be forced to watch hot leading ladies with a bad attitude and skin tight leather jeans)? The movie inexorably moves though CGI improbability-fest (an Aston Martin that drives through walls and gets shot at and yet looks showroom fresh at the end) to implausible yawn worthy cliche (oh god there's going to a sequel). Spare me please!
F9 (2021)
Just please stop!
This movie is an affront to the industry and there really aren't enough negative words in the English language to adequately describe it. Quite literally every sixty seconds there is yet another example of unbelievable nonsense, like Diesel rolling a car several times, not wearing a seatbelt and walking away without a scratch!
I am convinced that Justin Lee has a bet on with someone over just how bad a film he can churn out. Justin, I am begging you please... STOP making these movies and to give the millions of dollars you've wasted to a charity or some other good cause instead. The world will be a better place for it!
Godzilla vs. Kong (2021)
Did someone just halve the special effects budget?
I was waiting for something different in another tired chapter in the Kong/Godzilla story but was left disappointed. This offered nothing new just mechanical and predictable attempts at acting in a theatre of surprisingly unconvincing CGI. The very first time we see Godzilla breaking through the water the sense is not of a titan emerging from the depths but more like something from the 60s puppet show Stingray. Not long after we're treated to the scene of a chained Kong 'communing' with a child in the pouring rain where the graphics of the rain-soaked giant were so amateurish as to be embarrassing! This really set the scene for this middle of the road filler of a movie which was ultimately disappointing and stale.
Goliath (2016)
Potentially good show ruined by one dimensional script
What is it with these drama writers who think the only way to write a script is to make all the characters hostile and confrontational? Seems everyone except the main protagonist has to have a pissy attitude which gets tiresome after just one episode.
Episode One sees 'our hero' set up in an unlawful traffic stop and falsely imprisoned overnight. However, even his daughter who was there (and who was tazed and yet not arrested??!) seems to dismiss this event telling her dad to get his act together. WTF? Of course the traffic stop was designed to make him miss a court hearing, yet none of the other characters saw this piece of the script and just weigh in to him as being an unreliable bum.
Give us a break, people don't even act like this on stage. Just plain dire.
Prodigal Son (2019)
Opportunity missed
Aside from the similarities to Silence of the Lambs (recruiting a criminal mind to solve crimes), Prodigal Son presented itself with potential for some interesting plots. Sadly it signalled pretty early on that this was going to be just another stereotypical TV cop show following the same old routines. Tom Payne portrays a less than convincing gifted but troubled (where have we seen that before?) expert enlisted to help a typically dysfunctional quartet of detectives. I mean how often do you have to repeat the lack of sleep, nightmares, bed handcuffs and uncontrollable tremors routine within a single episode before the audience shouts "We get it!". Michael Sheen is a talented actor but here he is reduced to a comical and somewhat ineffectual foil for Payne's leaps of logic whereas a much darker, more manipulative and esoteric character would have been so much more interesting. As for the 'chief', male & female sidekicks and doe-eyed medical examiner, they really do nothing more than act as filler enabling each episode to proceed. Add to it the usual 'just-in-time' heroics, cliches and ham-acting and you're left with just another generic law & order yawnfest.
Jason Bourne (2016)
Fell into the I.T. cliche in the first few minutes!
I have to say that on the whole I have enjoyed the Jason Bourne series of films including this one. However, one has to despair at the scriptwriters falling headlong into a clichéd computer scenario right from the start.
Nicky Clark enters some computer facility having had to give a passphrase to the door guard and then...
1. While scanning the room one woman is heard to say "Use SQL to corrupt their database". Presumably the passphrase to get in and the room full of computer users was insufficient to alert the viewer that this is some clandestine facility and this throwaway comment was also needed. Could it be that the 'hacker' at the keyboard was so dumb that they needed to be told what language to use??
2. Having used a backdoor to access top secret files, Nicky finds that they are in a folder helpfully called 'Black Ops' with subfolders using the Operation names! Not attempt whatsoever at obfuscating this precious data.
3. For some strange reason Nicky doesn't use a VPN allowing the CIA to trace her exact whereabouts.
4. The CIA operative types the command 'run predictive algorithm' at a command prompt. I guess she's running a script called 'predictive' with a parameter of 'algorithm'. What nonsense!
5. Within seconds a message stating 'Malware uploaded' appears because that's exactly what happens when an intruder uses zero defences against malware.
The whole scene is utterly preposterous for anyone who knows anything about how computer systems work and is just lazy scriptwriting that perpetuates a movie cliché. 4 stars off for an otherwise entertaining film.
Raised by Wolves: The Beginning (2020)
Suspending disbelief
To start with the series was both entertaining and intriguing but then Marcus came along. The more he took a leading role, the worse it got, but the icing on the cake, or rather the floater in the swimming pool, was the season finale!
Ok I can imagine that in some distant future there are giant snakes with an overbite that can also fly and shuttle craft that can fly through the molten core of a planet but there was one utterly appalling scene. An atheist guard sits by a campfire, a man whom one presumes that by holding a weapon has at least been trained to use it. Marcus sneaks up on the guard and on being discovered three more (trained?) guards appear, surrounding him with weapons drawn. Marcus is now facing four foes and for any man who has gone days without food or water that would be it, but no... They expect us to believe that these guards are so dumb that Marcus can disarm the first guard, then shoot guard number #2 at which point guards #3 and #4 do nothing. Marcus then shoots guard number #3 at which point you're thinking guard #4 must be asleep because he also then gets shot! While Marcus is facing down the three guards, guard #1 just stands next to him watching without making a grab for the weapon.
Choreography this bad might appear in a 70s B movie but doing it in an expensive production these days is just an insult to the audience's intelligence. Based on this they should scrap season 2 and give the money to a good cause instead.
Dark Matter (2015)
Predictably.... Lame
Episode one opens with a man recently revived from suspended animation stumbling his way to a Control Centre and despite having had his mind wiped, he knows that this particular location is where to fix the life support countdown issue. Ok we can forgive that minor convenience. Within seconds of his awakening a female awakes and makes her way to the same location whereupon she immediately attacks and bests the man. Errrr ok if this is what passes for how people behave then I can see where this series is going. Then to cap it all when he asks why she attacked him she states he was "in the way".
Whatever happened to "Hey, step away I can fix this, I know what I'm doing!". No that would have been far too logical or reasonable and unfortunately this opening 60 seconds marks the trend for the rest of the series. Gross overacting to the point where you don't just have to accept that these brain-wiped souls are floating in space but each and every one of them has an attitude problem to boot. Spare us the melodramatics please!
Spides (2020)
The writers spared me the trouble...
So, after the not too original opening of people floating in tanks we're introduced to the lead character Nora awaking in hospital. Nora seems to be afflicted with the frowning and looking around suspiciously syndrome! There's a knock on the door and the doctor announces "You have visitors", not "Your parents are here to see you", there then follows one of the most wooden scenes I've ever been treated to in a TV series.
The so called parents, rather than rushing forward to hug their daughter, instead indulge in a little exposition "We were so worried sweetheart" to which Nora replies "Who are you?". Instead of saying something logical like "I'm your mum silly!" we get "You don't recognise us?" then there's a hesitant "It's me...mum" (more frowning and staring by Nora) followed by the man stepping forward and saying "Which would make me your...." at which point he pauses to let little Nora frown out the closing line "...my dad?".
Ugh who writes this stuff?! If that's the way parents greet a child they've been "so worried" about, then human interaction has taken a serious turn for the worse. Thankfully this exchange all takes place within the first five minutes, giving you a clear signal of what to expect in the ensuing 40 minutes and following episodes. Thank you to the writers for setting out your stall so early and sparing me the torture of watching until I fell asleep.
Abstruse (2019)
Pitifully bad!
When I think of the money spent on creating this movie and the fact that it could have been far better used had it been given to charity or other good causes, it really makes you question what is going through some people's heads.
Quite early on in the film there are sections where the actors sound like they're just reading lines from the script with little depth or emotion. As for the way they behave at itimes, it's blind observance of a dire script. Your crazy friend has just suffocated a girl and you're arguing the toss and trying to reason with them rather than making your excuses and calling the cops? Who on earth would do that?
Sizemore is the one redeeming character is this wooden production, but sadly even he gets bogged down in the unconvincing delivery at times. Ultimately it's an unrewarding outing with an pedictable and unoriginal plot. Save yourself the time and watch some paint dry instead.
Devs (2020)
Where have all the continuity people gone?
1. Super secret/secure Devs lab in the middle of a field with no clear path in/out and accessible only via a woodland trail, and yet presumably clearly visible from the air?
2. On his very first visit to the super secure/secret Devs lab, our would-be spy Serge decides to make a clandestine recording of some sort on his wrist watch, rather than to wait until after a few visits to perhaps gain their trust?
3. Stereotypical child prodigy computer nerd in the secret Devs lab.
4. Secret Devs lab is full of completely unergonomic workstations with keyboards and screens that can't be adjusted? Way to go for somewhere you expect employees to while away hours of coding.
5. A screenful of very ordinary code (some variable declarations and loops) surrounded by some mumbo-jumbo windows totally freaks out Serge as the key to life, the universe, etc...? Oh please.
6. Evil boss stops Serge as he's returning home through the woods for some stereotypical cryptic exposition.
7. Serge just happens to run straight into the arms of the one security guard that the evil boss brought with him?
8. The much older security guard overpowers Serge pinning him to the floor and puts a carrier bag over his head. Despite clearly having at least one hand free, Serger doesn't even attempt to tear the bag away from his face to avoid suffocation?
9. The girlfriend (who happens to know Serge's phone password) spots the Sodoku app within seconds of restoring his phone and immediately realises this is the key to the puzzle?
Quantum computing is a fascinating subject and makes an interesting candidate for a sci-fi thriller series, but... why encase a good story in this shoddy wrapper? Someone once said that you should only ask your audience to suspend disbelief once and some amazing discovery regarding quantum computing would have been just that. The rest of it is just annoying.
Emergence (2019)
Rapidly went downhill
The first couple of episodes were passable, OK the plot of a 'special' child is not new but it seemed reasonably well strung together. Then we get to episode 4 and we're back in the world of actors acting out a script rather than trying to convey a real story. Our two main characters of the policewoman and the reporter approach one of the arch-criminal's sidekicks only to be told "They're watching". Then having broken into a facility and retrieved the cure, our super-worried policewoman would rather argue the toss with the scientist rather than rush in to the hospital and administer that cure to the near-death child. I guess the script at that point had 'act with disbelief' in the brackets.
On the episode lumbers with our duo now going to the scientists house in plain view despite knowing she's being watched and that it could be a fatal move. Then having stolen the scientists phone they decide not to take it somewhere safe to work on but to plug it into a laptop on the roof of a car while standing outside the scientists house (presumably being watched). And so it trudges on, and it's not the fact that the little child is supposed to be a robot that's unbelievable, it's the utterly wooden plot, mechanically followed by the actors that's unbelievable.
They say that with sci-fi films you can ask the audience to suspend disbelief once, e.g. that the main character has super powers or something like that, but to ask the audience to constantly suspend disbelief in how dumbly the actors act out a script full of "why on earth would he/she do/say that?!" is just one step too far.
As the season moves on you soon start to realize that there is one leading character that really brings the whole thing down. Jo Evans (the police chief) played by Allison Tolman is the real 'emergence' developing as an obsessive, arrogant, self-righteous, unreasonable, inconsistent and unrealistic character. Perhaps the script writers cast her in the most idiotic role but the result is the most intensley annoying character to appear in a TV series for a long time. I wonder how the series would have played out had a different actress been cast in this role?
Alien Domicile 2: Lot 24 (2018)
Predictably dismal or is that dismally predictable?
From the moment it starts to the final minute, this movie feels like it was written and directed by people with no idea how to create a story.
The scene opens with our five intrepid adventurers getting out of the car to all stand in silence looking around. Who does that?? Are you honestly telling me that's how five individuals would act after a long car journey? Then we get the completely unsubstantiated 'feed' lines the characters use to try and set the scene like "I've just never seen trees look like this" when looking at a perfectly normal woodland scene, and you soon start to realise that because the director and actors are unable to convey any sense of atmosphere whatsoever that they have to force it all with badly delivered dialogue.
The plot continues to lurch along with the acting being more wooden than the trees! Artificially creepy music and sound effects do nothing to bolster the atmosphere which is sadly lacking and you start wishing the actors would relax and get in to character rather than sounding like they're just reading the script... and so it goes on with our heroes simplistic plot being rammed down the audience's throat with every sentence. We're 12 minutes into the film and we get "Let me get this straight. You brought us out on a camping trip, to an RV site owned by your dead, oh I'm sorry, missing uncle who's some frikkin tree nut alien lover?". If that line isn't broadcasting at full volume exactly what's going to happen, well they may as well have had subtitles flash up on screen saying 'Spoiler Alert!' because the characters delivery is about as subtle as a kick in the groin with a diver's boot!
Cut to a woman grabbing a branch, followed immediately by a spinning green circle and then the sky is pink and she feels the need to say aloud "Where am I?". Oh please, you're in one of the lamest sci-fi flicks to ever stumble onto our screens!
Air Force One (1997)
Might as well have had purple dragons flying around!
Some films have stood the test of time, but this one was bad even by late 90's standards. They always say that unless you're watching a super-hero movie the director can only ask you to suspend disbelief once. That moment occurred after the aborted landing sequence where a 747 that has slewed across grass at speed manages to then take off again narrowly missing a transport plane that, judging from the footage from the 747 cockpit, was approaching at about 30mph! Following that, well lat's say prepare yourself for an utter groan-fest!
Then we have the hu-rah section of the movie where the gun-toting Mr President manages to single-handedly foil the terrorists plans, while an inept Gary Oldman singularly manages to not take advantage of having the president's wife and daughter in his grasp.
As a final thought, just listen to the music throughout the film. Cheesey fanfares as Ford says to Goldman "Get off my plane!', or as he's whisked off the plane before the final (rubbish CGI) crash.
This film has so many feeble cliff hangers and head-in-your-hands moments that it should be consigned to 'How do I get those 2hrs of my life back?' archives. US chest beating at its worst.
Departure (2019)
Truly painful to watch
I thought this was going to be an interesting and entertaining mini series but turns out it was nothing more than a string of cliches and stereotypes. All they have done is take every single character and every tired old plot device from any similar movie or TV series that has gone before and just reassembled them into an utterly predictable six episodes. Lead investigator with baggage. Storm hampers recovery efforts. Black box lands on edge of deepest part of the ocean a few meters past the submersible's depth threshold. Girl wakes up and immediately has a fit when questioned. Rebellious adolescent just happens to install trojan on mum's laptop. The list goes on, and on, and on.
Overall an egregious waste of money that could have been spent on far better causes.
Precious Cargo (2016)
Lame coreography
Twenty minutes in there is the most lame boat chase I have ever seen. Why the directory included a five minute sequence of 'bad guys' unable to hit the side of a barn despite unleashing hundreds of rounds (without even reloading) is beyond me. Not a single bullet hole even appears on any of the boats! A crime caper needs to have some degree of realism and this just puts you off. Follow this up with some truly wooden stereotypical characters (this is not Willis at his finest, trust me) and you just have the movie equivalent of watching paint dry.