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Reviews
AVPR: Aliens vs Predator - Requiem (2007)
By the Numbers, Watch the Trailer Instead
I'm sorry to say that this movies was one of the biggest disappointments of the year. Following one of the biggest disappointments in movie monster match up history you would think that they would learn from the mistakes of the previous incarnation. The sequel falls into many of the same traps, the plot line was completely forced, the dialog was so bad that the film might be better on mute, and the action was contrived and far from the heart pounding brilliance of each monsters original films. The best part of AVP-Requiem is in fact the trailer, which as you go through the movie end up realizing that almost every single death and every really cool shot in the movie was already shown in the trailer which leaves little to be revealed and little to be excited about. I gave the movie an extra star for letting see the extra hot female in the almost nude. the movie played out like a color-by-number sci-fi monster fest which also played into the fact that nothing was a surprise when it happened, because you'd seen it a thousand times before. the main failing with both these movies is that the creators thought that setting the films in our time would make us be interested in the story more as if it may one day happen to us. but what drew people in when they released the arcade game back in the day was that it kinda took place within an over the top futuristic version of the ALIEN trilogy time line which allowed more of a suspension of disbelief. this is where the future movies need to draw inspiration from. because to be honest, seeing a waitress killed by the ALIEN we all have feared since childhood just really doesn't do it for us. lets take the series back to its roots. learn from the former masters and don't mess with a winning formula by trying to make a 'bold new vision' we liked the originals for a reason, we want to see that again. Lastly, the ending is the real WTF moment of the whole film, *SPOILER* after the big climax, the survivors are ambushed by Special-Ops soldiers who justify their horrific actions by saying 'we were following orders' and then turn on a dime and start acting all nice and are turned into saviors. then after the long pull back with one of the survivors looking ominously into the heavens, we cut to the most bizarre cliffhanger I've ever seen, with characters you never saw in the rest of the movie (Save the Government Dude) then with all the subtlety of a punch to the face they reveal that there will be yet another film with the hint of a plot line that would make a sci-fi channel original movie blush and turn up its nose. So, in summation, if you have to choose between this movie and doing any other activity on the face of the Earth, skip the movie and do the other thing instead.
Judas (2004)
Absolutely Despicable
In comparison to The Passion of the Christ by Mel Gibson, I feel that the ABC tele-film 'Judas' is absolutely blasphemous. Now, I'm not saying the Passion is perfect but how can the critics complain about the accuracy of the passion and praise a film like Judas which is almost laughably modern and only peppered with half hearted biblical references. it seems as though these references such as Lazarus resurrection were thrown in only to remind you that you were watching a story about Jesus and his disciples. This scene in particular was so butchered that it left me speechless. I just don't get how this film is being so highly praised over the passion which had been unfairly judged. The only thing that i can think of is that Judas was written (albeit two years ago) to please the powers that be and is more PC while alienating and DOWNRIGHT INSULTING to Christians. how dare the film makers be so arrogant as to think that they can mess with the gospel and be so blatantly false in this telling and claim it as fact. and yes I'm not naive enough to believe that The Passion is THE be all end all factual telling of the passion story but it certainly was done with much more reverence to the man who laid down his life for us. and didn't litter the dialog with unnecessary swearing like to hell with this and to hell with that and having Judas saying "Damn you Jesus" my word, i was in tears. mostly because i knew that critics would eat this up and that it would be more widely accepted by mass audiences. And further more the writer of the film Judas had the nerve to publicly state that there is a parking space in hell reserved especially for Mel Gibson. How sickening is that? how contradictory to the teaching of Jesus. It totally negates anything this man was trying to state with his film. The gospel is not for entertainment and should not be dramatized so. At least the passion was made for educational purposes and actually serves that purpose and even if it was mildly factually challenged it brought people to church, where they could learn the whole story from the mouth of God Himself. So please, after watching these films, consult the New testament. it is the ONE TRUE PLACE to learn about Judas, Jesus and the journeys both men faced and it is done so without the editorial flavor of Hollywood and is presented without the weight of biased mens opinions clouding the real issues. If you must see one version though. view the passion of the Christ and then read the bible, you will come away with a deeper since of respect for Jesus Christ our LORD and not an image of a teenager friendly Jesus and the factually retarded version that is 'Judas'.
The Life of David Gale (2003)
One of the most heart-stopping, emotionally impacting dramas of our time
Going into this movie one might expect to see a cookie cutter movie in the lines of Law and Order or a Grisham style movie along the lines of The Chamber, but this movie stands out from the populous and leaves a lasting effect on your nerves and your psyche. For those who say it is too predictable, i somewhat agree, however, it is only moderately predictable for those of us who watch movies very frequently, the casual movie goer will be surprised around every corner and walk away with tears in their eyes. It may be to early to predict but i not only see this film nominated for a 2004 academy award, but i also predict it sweeping the whole show (with possible exception for the always predictable, Laura Linney who always plays out her characters the exact same way.) Be advised there is graphic sexuality and nudity, so be forewarned going in that this wont be a pretty ride. However, the whole experience is mind blowing, having to see the ugliness of what happened is rewarded by great acting, a powerful message that makes you think days after leaving the theatre, and an ending that rips your guts out and refuses to let go. In closing, albiet unprofessional, I say SEE THIS MOVIE! SEE THIS MOVIE! SEE THIS MOVIE!
What Lies Beneath (2000)
Unmotivated and un'spirit'ed
*Waring contains spoiler* well, to say this for the filmmaker, it started out promising, a quirky beginning to the plot entails with an exit of a family member to college and the entrance of a spooky entity who throughout the whole movie and even after, you question why was there in the first place. This is the first horror movie where the horror wasn't the integral plot point. Strange you ask? uh-huh. I'm confused too. Lets say leave out the spooky ghost stuff (At the beginning) re work some scenes and you have a perfectly serviceable Tom Clancy (Patriot Games)style mystery complete with the REAL villain in the original film. Or say this, take out human villain, leave spooky stuff, minus half hearted mystery, dump the superfluous neighbor plot add some more spooky and special effects and there you have yourself a true thriller.
Personally when I go to see a supernatural thriller I want to see supernatural stuff and have it all make sense, in this film we never know why the girl is haunting them (well we kinda do) but you go back to the old Hollywood cliche "where's your motivation?" it was just kinda there and wasn't only to come in until the plot dulled, it gives me the shivers now, not cause its scary, but because its so whacked and stupid. Imagine this: Say you're watching the Generals Daughter, and every once in a while the girl reappears to scare the hell out of John Travolta or whomever the director feels needs to see the presence. Or even if Mel Gibsons slain wife in Braveheart came back to exact revenge on the king. You'd say "that was unnecessary" as it is here.
Also some major plot points are thrown in so quick and obscurely that I heard people in the theater whisper "what did that mean?" sure you may be in a time frame but lets rewrite some scenes so they flow. Its sloppy to confuse the audience right away.
Maybe next time Mr. Zemeckis, you've wowed us with House on Haunted Hill, Contact, Roger Rabbit, Back to the Future and Gump, (heck I was fully expecting to see a Frighteners style experience) don't let Cast Away fall by the way side with talking monkeys or helicopters made from bamboo and coconuts, if it doesn't fit leave it out, movies will make so much more sense without ten thousand contrasting plot elements in a movie. But hey you've done so much good, we forgive you for what lies beneath.
I'm sorry if any of this did not make sense, see the movie and read this again, you'll understand that there's so much to be said for the movie that it cannot be expressed in words, just an utter sense of confusion
The Skydivers (1963)
watch the spoof instead
I apologize to the people who actually liked this movie (I also salute you for sitting through it). Personally the only way i even knew of the skydivers or would ever be able to sit through it was because it was on mystery science theatre 3000. So if for some sick mental reason you have the urge to watch it try to dig up a re-run of the wacky trio of space captives instead of sitting through the droll, dull, vomity movie as it is. Actually the only reason you would probably be reading this is if you have seen the movie. I pity you.