Reviews

Once again, the world is treated to a work of art disguised as glorious, rousing entertainment. The Return Of The King is exciting, heart-breaking, and mind-blowing in its scope, scale, and spectacle. Even moreso than the first two films, believe it or not. Surely we'll see some major Academy Awards for Return Of The King.

The Lord Of The Rings movies have been a blessing to us all, the kind of films that will stand tall until the end of the world. They are worthy of the great books that they adapt, and are a testament to the depth and breadth of the story that Tolkien gave us.

Hail to Peter Jackson and the crew that brought the films to life. Hail to the cast, who flawlessly portrayed the characters that so many of us have loved for many, many years.

Hail to the King.

Versus is one of the most creative, stylish, and entertaining movies I've ever seen. You really can't beat zombies, swordfighting, kung fu, and shoot-outs all in one movie. It's a beautiful thing.

Versus deserves a good Region 1 dvd, full-blown with all the extras.

I just finished watching the Star Wars Holiday Special (I liked whoever's idea it was to call it Episode 4.5. How about this... Episode 4.5: An Old Hopeless). I was by myself and stone cold sober. Bad idea. Definitely should have brought a friend or at least a few beers...

I've never quite experienced wanting to cry and wanting to puke at the same time before. It's not a good feeling. In the end, I decided to hide under a blanket and watch Leatherface: Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3 to clear my head.

Folks, I don't have to tell you how awful this is. You can read any of the 80-something other reviews of this nightmare. Wookies and Bea Arthur and Jefferson Starship and oh-dear-Lord-I-think-Carrie-Fisher-is-going-to-sing!

Still, all-in-all, it's worth it. (And, by "it" I mean a great stinking pile of horse flop.)

Wow. I'm always on the lookout for a good, truly scary movie. Y'all, this one fits the bill. I put The Ring way up there on the list of scary movies, right alongside The Shining, Poltergeist, and The Exorcist. In fact, I had not experienced such a room-filling sense of deep dread and fear in a theater since I saw the recent re-release of The Exorcist. The nightmarish imagery was very unsettling and the peak moments of horror were very well timed.

It wasn't perfect, though. The non-scary parts didn't come off nearly as well as the scary parts. Not the greatest acting during the "straight" parts of the movie, and some of the dialogue was pretty weak. But when the scary parts were on screen (which, fortunately, was most of the time) it made up for the little deficiencies, and then some.

From seeing the very-creepy trailer, I had high hopes for The Ring. But I didn't expect what I got. This movie will stick with you, folks. And if you're a horror fan, that's a good thing.

Why can't more horror movies have this kind of impact?

Oh my. This is far and away one of the worst movies I've ever seen. It's an affront to anyone who has ever enjoyed an H.P. Lovecraft story. I don't know what else to say, except "avoid at all costs". If you're in a Lovecraft-y kind of mood next time you're at Blockbuster, skip right over this putrid MST3K reject and rent The Reanimator or In The Mouth Of Madness instead.

I had the misfortune of renting this stinker one evening a couple of years ago. I thought it would be fun to use all of Superman's awesome powers to fight the forces of evil. What I got, though, was the opportunity to use Superman's awesome powers to do the butterfly-stroke through the dense green fog of a virtual Metropolis created by the evil mid of Lex Luthor. Seems ol' Lex has Supes trapped in a virtual world (don't ask me how that happened) and is torturing our intrepid hero by making him fly like a drunken blue jay through a series of rings floating all-the-hell-over the place. If you can get past that part, you can pick up a car and fly it to the end of the street. Woo.

The next level has you running about (not much room for the poorly-executed flying) through a sewer system getting the crap kicked out of you by random robot guards. "Use heat-vision," you say? Well, I'd love to. But, true to the comics and movies that we all know and love, the Man of Steel can only use his powers when he finds the little icons scattered around the level, and even at that you have a very limited number of uses. And they're not very effective, anyway.

Well, if you can stay awake long enough to get past the sewer level, then it's back out to the aerial slolam course to herky-jerk your way through the cleverly placed hoops. Luthor, you fiend!!!

Surely they at least put in a decent multiplayer game, right? Ladies and gentlemen, multiplayer is even worse than the single-player experience. It's a kind of mine-cart race between Lex and some of the other characters. I don't think Supes is even available for this. (Maybe he's an "unlockable" character for multiplayer.) You just zip around in your little flying bucket, shooting at your opponent and begging somebody to turn it off.

The graphics are unbearable, the sound is inexcusable, and the story (such as it is) is the dumbest thing you will ever encounter in this lifetime. How can the producers of this all-time classic clunker sleep at night? (It came in at #7 in Electronic Gaming Monthly's "20 Worst Games of All Time" - Jan. 2002 issue. It's hilarious.) All in all, avoid this game at all costs.

This doesn't approach the quality of the 1st Demons, but it has its moments. The demon coming out of the tv is impressive, as is some of the gore. The acting and dubbing are atrocious and the plot falls apart pretty quickly, but it's still watchable. Also, props to the soundtrack. Less rockin' than the first movie, but still contains some good 80's Euro-pop. Can't go wrong dancing to The Smiths just before the demons attack.

Demons is probably the best Euro-horror movie I've seen (except, perhaps, for The Beyond). Let's face it, folks. Cool as those gory Italian zombie flicks and what not are, very rarely does one qualify as a "good" movie. Demons is one of the few. The soundtrack, the violence, and the gore were great... heck, even the plot and acting were pretty good.

The movie comes across with a real gung-ho, full speed ahead attitude, similar to the Evil Dead movies. I don't know if it comes across on VHS, but the Dolby Digital surround sound on the dvd makes for some very effective ambiance on the dvd, particularly while the movie within the movie is going on. The production values seemed particularly high in this movie, making it look more like a 90s movie than one from 1985. The poster-shot of the demonic folks walking up the stairs is fantastic. Again, the dvd is definitely the way to go to get the full effect.

All in all, I'm very impressed and I'm looking forward to watching Demons 2.

Donnie Darko is definitely not an average Hollywood movie. It's dark and mysterious and strangely beautiful. It's the kind of movie you want to watch again immediately, just to figure out what the heck happened. Great performances throughout. Donnie Darko belongs will soon be added to my dvd collection.

Not only is this the best movie to come from a video game since Paul Anderson's own Mortal Kombat (RE may have even topped MK), it's the best American zombie movie in ages! Sure, it could have been more atmospheric (the RE games provide a feeling of dread that the movie didn't equal) and there could have been more gore, but as it is, it's still an astounding effort. The creature effects were good (though the CG-ness of some of them was too noticeable), the zombies were creepy and relentless, and Milla Jovovich was fantastic (and hot!)

It ain't quite Night Of The Living Dead or Return Of The Living Dead but it's better than most of the Italian gore-fests, and certainly worth seeing a time or two.

Top 5 Moments of High Fidelity -- 1) The wormy-looking guy hitting Tim Robbins with the phone. 2) Jack Black's little song about the girl's dead dad. 3) Any moment Catherine Zeta-Jones was on screen. 4)?? 5)??? Nope. This movie only had 3 good moments.

Top 5 John Cusack Movies -- 1) Say Anything... 2) Con Air 3) Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil 4) Being John Malkovich 5) Nope, looks like there's only four.

I don't really see the appeal of this movie. I thought "Hey, hitman goes to class reunion... That ought to be good." and was really looking forward to seeing it, but boy was I disappointed. It's not very funny and I find it impossible to like John Cusack's character (or any of the other characters, for that matter.) Not to mention the presence of the ever-aggravating Joan Cusack. Ugh. Why does John keep dragging her into his movies? Or is it the other way around? Anyway, it is better than High Fidelity, so at least there's that. For a funnier, more exciting, just-plain-better hitman movie, check out The Big Hit. For a better class reunion movie, see... oh wait. There are no good class reunion movies. For a better 80's soundtrack, see The Wedding Singer. Or even American Psycho (though, technically, much of that music is early 90s, I think. But hey, it's also a better movie where the main character kills folks regularly.)

Return of the Living Dead has it all... scares, gore, punk rock, humor, satire, Linnea Quigley, and the best looking zombies ever. The level of decay on the zombies is dead on (pardon the pun). Rather than just going with a blue-green makeup job like the Romero zombies (of which I am also a fan), Return of the Living Dead goes all out with oozing, dripping corpses. And who doesn't love "Send more paramedics..." croaking from the throat of a reanimated body. Quick-paced and in your face, this is what zombie movies should strive to be. PLEASE please please please please please please please please let a widescreen DVD of this zombie classic be in the works. I need it like corpses need brains.

this was definitely a weird one. the realisticly ruthless portrayal of kids at camp, the pedophiliac in the kitchen, the unexplained insanity of the aunt, the homosexual undertones, the ENDING! i was utterly floored when i rented this one. if you can find it, rent it. watch it. show it to your friends and watch them cringe. Just follow my advice and hold onto something when it winds down to the end. i promise, you will be shocked, and will probably have the final image stuck in your head for a week.

This movie is just plain awful. I saw the Mystery Science Theater 3000 send-up of it and it was painful to watch even with them tearing it apart. For God's sake, don't watch it unless it's on MST3K.