Change Your Image
Chris S.-2
Reviews
Howling: New Moon Rising (1995)
One of my ten favorite films
I can't say what the worst movie ever made is, but Howling VII is certainly my pick for 'worst movie that makes me laugh so hard my sides hurt every time I see it'. Which is a pretty big honor, really. Man, if there's anyone out there who's never seen this movie (I bet there's a few of you), trust me, you've got to rent it sometime. To give credit where it's due, this 'werewolf' movie tried to be something a little different: a combination horror-film/country-western-musical. Yeah, that always works. With no actors either. To save money they cast the local yokels living in this town to play... themselves. Hmmm, that seems like a good idea too. Wonder what went wrong?
You know, the fact this movie got produced at all is amazing. The fact this movie was produced by New Line Cinema is really amazing.
But taken for what it is, Howling VII is the best of its kind - I mean, they literally got everything wrong. The direction just isn't happening - the 'actors' sort of wonder around while on camera, blurting out memorized lines of dialogue at awkward intervals; the jokes (and there's lot's of em!) aren't remotely funny even if you're really drunk (like they were - seriously, just watch it); the music, as performed by our multi-talented cast, ranges charmingly inept to embarrassing; and, uh, there's no werewolves, just a few red-tinted pov shots.
Well, that last one's not entirely true; there is one unfortunate werewolf appearance - but it's in the last 30 seconds of the movie. Which is odd, since its transformation scene is the big showcase of the movie. (Remember - New Line Cinema produced this - the guys who are spending $360 million on Lord of the Rings). Anyway, the aforementioned scene is accomplished by digitally stretching the "actor's" face horizontally. That's it - bang, your face is stretched, you're a werewolf (my Sony 8mm Camcorder can do this).
There's also a detective's investigation side-plot which is so poorly executed you'd swear they were making a satire. Except these scenes are played without a trace of irony. All in all the whole movie is so innocent and hapless you can't believe it was made in the 90's.
Great fun, but not perfect. The one complaint I have is that, while most of the movie is rather good-natured (in a rather mind-bogglingly idiotic way), there's one unenjoyable part towards the end where our hero gets tortured by a sadistic policeman (who later becomes werewolf food - er, red-tinted-lens food). The movie is mean-spirited here, and this LOOOOONG scene is one I usually have to fast-forward. Not that it's gruesome or revolting (I mean, it's not like this is supposed to be a horror movie or anything) - it's just boring. But then we're back with the gang doing a campfire-sing-a-long in no time, and all's well.
Anyway, I could write pages and pages on this movie, but you get the point. I voted it a 1 since it's one of the three worst movies I've ever seen, but it's in my top 10 list of favourite films of all time. These types of movies can never be intentionally made, they just have to happen. And boy, something happened.
Sleepy Hollow (1999)
less than epic
I went into this knowing it was a Tim Burton film. I expected to be taken away to late 18th century America; I did not expect a great story. Even with this limited expectation, I was disappointed. No one can paint a somber caricature like Tim Burton, but it wasn't enough this time; somehow you just never really bought it. Danny Elfman bears some of the blame; the mediocre musical score somewhat undermined the desolate visuals. A better selection of music would have really helped. Whatever the case, the majority of the movie felt like it was just being shot and delivered, not given the immaculate attention to detail we expect from Burton. Some genres benefit from a more minimalist approach to cinematography; period pieces generally do not. For a movie whose calling card was to be a fantastic dioramic setting, it falls short. Forgettable screen play, hit-or-miss effects (those CGI-enhanced scenes are obviously CGI-enhanced, if you know what I mean), somewhat stilted cinematography (from Tim Burton!); it could have been a wonderful movie. Instead, it's forgettable.
The Last Dinosaur (1977)
Surprisingly catchy theme song
Yeah, the theme song was catchy. Too bad it played over the entire movie, in three or four variations. Even a decent tune gets old after 90 minutes. Still, though, when the same song can denote action, sorrow, suspense, romance (!), and both the opening and closing credits, well, you've got something there.
Even without the theme song, The Last Dinosaur was kind of fun to watch. There's this scene where T-Rex gets swept off the ground by a rolling boulder tied to his tail (!). Let me tell you, this just ruins the illusion that this fearsome carnivore is anything but a stunt man in a rubber suit.
Actually, all the huffing, snarling and spitting got a little old. I'm talking about Richard Boone here. Nice method acting, though - he acts through his forefinger during the entire movie. Never seen anything quite like it. He actually pronounces his lines with his finger. It's like he's conducting the theme song.
It's tempting to say that T-Rex's head getting 'knocked in' by a boulder is the stupidest dinosaur effect since the iguana-with-fins shots from Lost Continent (it's much more embarrassing than the flying-off-his-feet bit I just mentioned). We get to see, in a slow-mo closeup no less, the dino's rubber head getting dented in by a flying boulder, then popping back out after the boulder rebounds. Did the editor really want to show that in slow-mo?
However, that's not the worst - the worst dino shot of ALL TIME is, in fact, the stegosaurus at the beginning of this movie. He lumbers from side to side so violently you expect him to topple over. Trust me, you can not watch this sequence with a straight face. Even magnified pet lizards come off as 'dinosaurs' better than that thing did.
As you can tell, I had a lot of fun with this movie. Thanks mostly to the theme song, it's not really all that bad. Considering the absolute crap that Rankin-Bass Productions have been responsible (The Return of the King, anyone?), this movie might have been worse. Don't get me wrong, it still sucks. But you'll be humming that tune in the shower for a while.
Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966)
There was nothing redeeming about this movie
As has been stated here over and over, this might be the worst movie ever made. But it's something more than that. I rented the full non-MST3K version (in a city of 130,000, only one store had the original version). Having already gotten all the laughs I will ever get out of the haunting Torgo theme from MST3K, I actually watched this thing as I think it was meant to be seen. You know, it's funny (the irony, not the movie), but without MST there, you will really never laugh - there is just something evil about Manos that wafts from the screen and makes you want to take a shower with sandpaper to get it off. NOTHING redeeming happens (all the main characters and the dog die or become slaves), the cast is made up of real-life weirdos that you would simply never WANT to watch. Imagine (well, you can't) that this became a hit in 1966 - would you really want to meet the actor that play the Master? The only character I'd be curious to meet killed himself.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that this movie not only wasted 70-some minutes of my life, it actually made me a worse person having seen it. Manos: Hands of Fate is not campy, is not fun (except for Torgo I guess), is not interesting or thought provoking (yeah, as if); it's mean-spirited and uncomfortable, and not even in a sleazy way. It does have a more coherent plot than other sub-Z type movies, but that works against in the end simply because the plot's so wretched. It would have been better if it had just been ENTIRELY driving montages and cat fights. It has NOTHING going for it. It's not even f**king in focus.
Did I like it? No.
Braindead (1992)
Watch out for the edited version!
When I saw Dead Alive in a second-run theater in 1993, it instantly became my favourite horror movie of all time. I couldn't stop laughing through the whole showing. I've rented the movie a few times since then, and loved it every time. Except for the last time!
I just rented it with a few friends who had never seen Dead Alive but we mistakenly got the edited version (the one that Blockbuster carries). I couldn't believe how they butchered it (no pun intended). The scene where Mother's ear falls into her pudding - gone. Where the Nurse chews off the Priest's lips while kissing - gone. The lawnmower scene where the camera pans back and we see body parts flying in all directions at once - gone. The resulting movie was not Dead Alive - it was something else. I hate to say it, but it was boring. So if you're going to rent this movie, and I heartly encourage you to do so, make SURE you get the full version. Please. When I read some of the poor reviews written here, I can't help but wonder if they saw the same cut version that I just saw.
Point Break (1991)
A good movie, a bad actor
Point Break is a great movie; it's fast, it's clever, it's fun to watch. I own it, and I've seen it at least 30 times. It's not like you'll ever 'get anything new' out of it, it's just a very entertaining movie.
HOWEVER - Keanu Reeves gives one of the worst performances ever captured on film. He's so wooden, he's lucky one of the extras didn't mistake him for a surfboard. Anyone besides me confused on his delivery of the line "you won - you got what you wanted"? The first ten times I saw this, I thought he flubbed his line and the director didn't care enough to reshoot it. On that subject, he also flubbed a line in Dracula - "I fear for Mina - she is now now just a decoy"... OK, now I'm just being mean.
You know, he did a great performance in The Matrix (well, maybe it wasn't a performance, but he certainly nailed the part), and after Point Break, Dracula and Johnny Mnemonic I went into that one expecting the worst. It's not like the guy doesn't have any talent (although, he'll always be Ted to me). But here, man!, he's not believable for a second.
Still a great movie though.