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1/10
Everything that's wrong with Hollywood, distilled into two horrible hours. Spoilers.
3 April 2000
Warning: Spoilers
Now, let me see if I've gotten this straight: "Saving Private Ryan", an epic tale of honor, glory, and sacrifice set against the backdrop of what was possibly the most important single day of the Twentieth Century, was not worthy of the Best Picture Oscar.

However, "American Beauty", a movie whose heroes are a middle-aged pedophile who casually endangers the future of his family, and the next-door drug dealer who finds "beauty" in people getting their brains blown out, is.

I see.

"American Beauty" might work as satire if 1.) it weren't telling us something we've KNOWN for fifty years - that the suburbs are not this perfect, "Ozzie and Harriet" world of smiling, white-bread people - and 2.) if the characters depicted in the movie were in any way REALISTIC. Instead, "American Beauty" is a parade of the most tiresome Hollywood cliches of the 1990s. I don't care how pathetic Spacey's and Bening's characters' lives are - would they really be THAT devoid of any redeeming values? Are we supposed to CHEER Spacey as he quits his job, smokes pot, and lusts after seventeen year-old girls, all to the detriment of his young daughter? Are we supposed to laugh at the ex-Marine's idea that the world NEEDS certain rules and standards in order to work? Clearly, we are. These are not characters at all, but ciphers. Indeed, the ex-Marine is one of the most laughable ciphers at all. He is the parody of the Evil Gun-Toting Gay-Bashing Right-Wing Military Nut, taken to its furthest extreme. As columnist John Leo recently put it, "the only thing they forgot to do was to make him a tobacco company chemist and a trustee of a segregated college." And the final revelation that the "gay-basher" is in fact gay himself is the final piece of this Hollywood stereotype; a move meant purely to make sure this character and his world-view, that of the importance of morality and of the necessity of rules in society, is completely discredited.

And I know, I know: I'm not reading between the lines. I need to "look closer". Well, I submit that those who glowingly praise this movie are looking TOO closely. It's easier to lose sight of the larger message a movie sends when you examine any one element too closely. And all that the people who made this movie have "proved" is that they live on an entirely different planet from the hard-working, Joe and Jane America they claim to so brilliantly "expose" - the same Joe and Jane America that keeps Hollywood in business.

(Ordinarily, I'd rate a movie like "American Beauty" about a "3". But since it was without question both the most offensive AND the most overrated movie of 1999 (move over, "The Phantom Menace"), and since more needs to be done to counterbalance these morons who think it's the next "Citizen Kane", I feel I have no choice but to go with my original gut instinct and give it a big fat "1". For years, I've made it a practice to save every ticket stub from every movie I've seen, regardless of its quality. Nevertheless, my "American Beauty" ticket stub now sits in torn-up shreds at the bottom of the concession-area garbage can. It seemed a fitting gesture toward this Oscar-winning piece of putrescent pap.)
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2/10
IT REALLY IS THAT BAD. They weren't kidding.
28 January 2000
Don't listen to those people down there who gave this movie four stars; they're clearly insane. Now listen, because these are words you'd do well to remember if you ever get the evil compulsion to rent this sucker: "Super Mario Bros." is HORRIBLE. And I don't mean just "horrible", I mean HORRIBLE. All caps. You'd be surprised at just how unrelentingly, excruciatingly BAD this movie is. And it's not even FUN "bad"; it's "Dear God Please Make It Stop" "bad". To go into details would be extremely unpleasant; suffice it to say that this movie fails on almost EVERY conceivable level, and maybe a few INconceivable ones.

And yes, I DID grow up with the games. I LOVED the games. The original "Super Mario Bros." game was my introduction into the wondrous world of Nintendo, and I went on to obsessively play all of its sequels. Which makes it even more apparent to me just how pathetic the movie's attempts to shoehorn in elements of the game are. Also, I have never been more embarrassed for Bob Hoskins and Dennis Hopper. I give this movie a 2 out of 10. The only thing - the ONLY thing - that keeps it from falling into "Robot Holocaust" territory is the somewhat interesting sets. BUT THAT'S IT, and it's hardly enough to justify this peculiar form of masochism.

Don't do this to yourself.
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3/10
Remarkable...
9 January 2000
...not the movie, the people COMMENTING on it. I've posted once before, but scrolling down, I see that there are STILL so many suckers who bought INTO this piece of garbage, I felt it necessary to reiterate a few key points, mainly:

-"The Blair Witch Project" is, hands down, one of THE WORST MOVIES EVER MADE. And yeah, I AM taking movies like "I Spit On Your Grave", "Nail Gun Massacre", and "Robot Holocaust" into consideration. When you have NO script (I still can't believe that), amateurish cinematography that prevents you from actually SEEING anything ("use your imagination", the flick's fans bray, missing the point that when EVERYTHING is left to the imagination there's no point in SEEING the movie at all), "actors" whose best ad-libbing comes in the form of repetitive and offensive cursing, and a classic "Ebert Situation" - that the whole movie could have been over in fifteen minutes had the characters not been complete IDIOTS - this is to be expected.

-That BWP made the kind of money it did is a damning indictment of the American filmgoer, and a tribute to the effectiveness of fake word-of-mouth. So many people believed this was real, or terrified themselves by putting themselves "in the situation". Three words: Follow the river. There; the whole movie is unnecessary. But the characters are so stupid that this sure-fire solution never occurs to them... and these are COLLEGE students? It's never a good sign when you WANT the heroes to die.

-Most of the hype for this movie was fake, generated in spades via faux-amateurish Web sites and supposed "fan" reviews actually generated by the "filmmakers" and their friends. The glowing reviews? Fake (In fact, I'm willing to bet that half of the mini-reviews HERE are fakes - at least, the initial reviews; you'll notice that they soon become overwhelmingly negative, and that the people defending it become much fewer and farther between). While this practice is, of course, nothing new, I do not believe it has EVER worked as well as it has with "Blair Witch Project" - the Artisan spin machine must have gone into overdrive when the folks there saw what a hideously bad movie they had on their hands. They are to be commended for successfully deceiving so many people.

To sum up: This entire movie is a sham, made by untalented hacks and deceptively promoted. If you thought this was a "groundbreaking" horror movie, then you obviously do not watch horror movies, nor are you aware of the elements that make a successful one (the reviewers who glowingly compare it to movies like "Scream" are proof of that). If you identified with the characters - if you liked the movie at all - then you're an idiot.
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Galaxy Quest (1999)
9/10
Absolutely Inspired
8 January 2000
With "Galaxy Quest" out in tandem with "Toy Story 2", audiences get a one-two punch of Tim Allen doing his best "Star Trek"/sci-fi sendups - and though the latter is the better movie overall, the former throws so MANY inspired spoofs of "Trek" cliches at you that you'll be laughing from beginning to end. It's for all ages, for "Trek" fans and non "Trek" fans, and generally has exactly the kind of broad appeal that makes for a truly great movie.

Oh, and I usually subtract a point when a movie uses the time-worn "bomb with a digital countdown" plot device - but "Galaxy Quest" brings this to such an inspired, hilarious resolution, that it proves the exception.
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5/10
More sobering than funny
8 January 2000
I do like Albert Brooks, and there were moments of genuine hilarity in "Lost in America"... but those moments were too few and too far between, and at times the movie becomes outright depressing. There's a great deal of potential for humor in Brooks and Hagerty's situation, but a lot of it gets lost in its underlying bleakness.

Worse, structurally this film is a MESS (and to explain this involves revealing the ending, so be warned). Brooks and Hagerty have lost practically EVERYTHING, and both are reduced from working at high-paying, prestigious corporate jobs to, respectively, working as a crossing guard and an assistant manager at Weinerschnitzel in a dead-end town in Arizona. This dreary situation the main characters have gotten themselves into resolves itself in, literally, the LAST THREE MINUTES OF THE MOVIE (if that long). Brooks says, basically, "screw this; I'll go to New York and get my old job back" - and so, in a hasty montage, we see the two of them traverse the entire country to New York City, and it is revealed in scrolling text right before the end credits that Brooks did indeed get his job back and everything is now hunky-dory. I'm not sure exactly what the point of the rest of the movie is when it's all tied up so neatly and abruptly. The entire movie is spent laboriously drawing the two in deeper and deeper, only to put them practically back where they started via two or three minutes' worth of explanation that should have taken fifteen or twenty.

So what IS the ending trying to say? That it's a losing game to throw it all away, to live your dream - that your only hope is to reenter a life of drudgery? Pretty bleak message for a "comedy". I give this one a 5.
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Out of Sight (1998)
3/10
Gee whiz, this movie exudes STYLE... it's so STYLISH... (Did I mention it had a lot of STYLE?)
2 January 2000
Geez, here we go again... another director tries so hard to be another Tarantino that he neglects to put anything worth watching into his movie - and everyone buys into it anyway. Most of the posts in here go on and on about how this movie "oozes style"... "exudes sexuality". These are common excuses for films like this, films with murky plots, bad characters, and all the meaning and substance of a cheese sandwich, and which try to cover it all up by pouring on the "style".

If you want to be entertained, watch something else. If you're worried about appearing "hip" to all your friends who liked it, then watch "Out of Sight" and, whether or not you liked it (or even understood it), go blather on to them about how "stylish" the movie is. You may feel better about yourself, but you'll still have wasted two hours of your life.
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6/10
I Cannot Believe This. I Cannot Believe This.
7 December 1999
Olivia de Havilland and Joseph Cotten do their best to drive Bette Davis insane (she seems to be well on her way without their help) in an attempt to grab the family estate, in a production that holds a special place in that hallowed hall of Truly Bad Movies.

Is it watchable? My God, yes. Davis chews enough scenery for the rest of the cast put together, but de Havilland and Agnes Moorehead sure aren't letting that stop them. The story revolves around two crucial questions: Who killed Davis' suitor, back in 1927? Was it Davis herself, as is generally accepted by the people of this sleepy Southern town? This movie has a lot of fun letting us figure it out, while de Havilland and Cotten meanwhile play on her apparent amnesiac guilt to push her over the edge. Their methods are entertaining, to say the least.

And as inherently ludicrous as this movie is, it still delivers some genuine chills via some very atmospheric camerawork and photography. Particularly haunting is Davis' dream sequence of a long-ago party in her grand antebellum home - in which all the guests are silent, their facial features chillingly smooth.

The movie tried my patience at times, but overall, it's far more entertaining than it has any right to be. For me, as a Louisiana native, the characters and proceedings took on an added dimension of hilarity. I give it a 6 out of 10; it's one of the classic comedies of all time, though it sure as heck didn't mean to be.
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Toy Story 2 (1999)
10/10
Pixar Does it Again
1 December 1999
What words could do justice to this INCREDIBLE movie? Pixar, which topped the excellent original "Toy Story" with last year's "A Bug's Life", has, in turn, topped THAT. Like all the best animated films, "Toy Story 2" works both at the child's and at the adult's level - and the result is 92 minutes of pure wonderment. SEE THIS MOVIE. Then see it again. Then see it again.
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Outstanding Documentary
30 November 1999
The meteoric rise (and lamentable fall) of, perhaps, the most legendary Hollywood movie studio is documented here, in a dazzling three-part mini-series as lavishly designed as the best of the MGM films themselves. Pure gold for movie buffs (and as easily accessible to the average viewer); "When the Lion Roars" combines a grippingly-told account of MGM's history, rich with tons of vintage film clips, interviews with studio stars, and a fascinating look at such legendary figures as L.B. Mayer and Irving Thalberg - all ably hosted by Patrick Stewart, who is clearly enjoying himself throughout.

And well he should be. There are scores of documentaries out there about Hollywood's Golden Age, but none even REMOTELY approaching the quality and craftsmanship of "When the Lion Roars". This is quite possibly one of the finest documentaries ever made. It has been released on video and, though not the easiest thing to find after seven years, is well worth the search.
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3/10
"MTV" Horror...
13 November 1999
...and that's not a compliment. "The Blair Witch Project" is right behind "The Phantom Menace" as the year's most overrated movie.

It's hard to say what this movie's BIGGEST problem is, but we can start with the characters, a trio of whiny, self-absorbed idiots that will absolutely annoy the crap out of you. Watching these clowns from a first-person perspective is like watching a feature-length "Real World" episode (which is a terrifying proposition in itself). I, for one, was rooting for the witch, and it's hard to take the movie seriously when you WANT the ostensible heroes to die.

Believability is also a huge problem, for one very simple reason: Nobody in their right mind would have continued filming as long as these people did. They just wouldn't, ESPECIALLY while running through the woods at NIGHT while in a state of complete panic. Now, this may sound like nitpicking, but in order for "Blair Witch" to work we've got to BELIEVE that we're watching actual footage, taken in a situation and a state of mind as horrific as the students were in. It is simply beyond belief that they would have the presence of mind to continue filming as their situation becomes a fight for survival.

And overall the movie was - dare I say? - boring. Just plain dull. I wasn't drawn into the situation; I wasn't even remotely scared until the last five minutes (after which the movie just stops - it doesn't end, it just STOPS), mainly because I was so tired of listening to the annoying main characters bicker. This is a tiresome movie.

Now, I know this is supposed the be the "scariest movie of all time"; I know I probably missed the point, that these people were SUPPOSED to be annoying (in order to appear more "real"); that the production values were supposed to be incredibly cheap ("reality" again), and that the horror was supposed to be entirely SUGGESTED without us actually seeing anything scary, along with various other "artistic" reasons that filmmakers like this feed us when they don't really feel like actually making a horror movie. All I know is, "Blair Witch" is a waste of time. Go watch a movie that somebody actually put some effort into.
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5/10
Take it for what it is
12 November 1999
Having watched this in the wee hours of Veterans' Day, I just wanted to point out that rating it and other WWII propaganda films on the basis of artistic merit is beside the point entirely. The people that made these didn't have the luxury of crafting meticulous stories and memorable characters; most of the movies had been contracted by the government and had to be turned out QUICKLY. Movies like "The Fighting Seabees" were made for one reason alone: as propaganda pieces designed to bolster public support for our fighting men overseas. As such, they were an important part of the war effort, and helped ensure that fifty years later, we'd have the luxury of sitting at our computers and hashing about their qualities as movies.

With all that in mind, "The Flying Seabees" is really pretty good.
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Unredeemable garbage
10 November 1999
Until the ending, I'd pretty much written "Arlington Road" off as a forgettable piece of paranoiac tripe in the best "X-Files" tradition... How was I to know the ending would be THAT deceptive? Why couldn't I see that the moviemakers had been manipulating me for almost the entire two hours?

I'm just at a loss to describe this miserable piece of trash. What the hell are people THINKING, calling it "Hitchcockian"? Twist endings are one thing. A good twist ending enhances the fun of a movie; a good twist ending recognizes the fine line between fooling your audience and suckering them. The moviemakers were obviously trying to make Social Commentary; what's disturbing is that there are so many people out there who actually BELIEVE that the kind of intricate, wide-ranging conspiracy suggested here is actually possible.

If I sound like I'm rambling, it's because words fail me to describe how bad "Arlington Road" is. If you're expecting the subject of domestic terrorism to be treated seriously, as I was, forget it. If you want to see the subject glossed over with a laughable, contrived plot and truly awful acting, and if you like being suckered by a movie, then by all means rent it. I give this waste of celluloid a 1, only because there's nothing lower. Its release was delayed for something like a year... it's not hard to see why.
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