Viewing of the full length version, which surfaced recently on Italian television, having previously only been available in a condensed 30 minute cut that was released onto the 8mm market. Understandably this is does make allot more sense than the short version, and seen in HD allows you to appreciate D'Amato's talents as a cinematographer. It's a colourful, well shot movie, with a budget that allows for the kind of battle scenes that D'Amato had to resort to stock footage for in Diary of a Roman Virgin. Other than that though, if you've seen the 'edited highlights' half hour version, you really have seen all Fists, Pirate and Karate has to offer, which isn't a great deal. An unfunny buddy comedy about two lovable rogues who team up with a mysterious masked avenger to take on pirates. D'Amato might have been able to breath life into the peplum genre by adding sexploitation elements to Diary of a Roman Virgin and The Arena, but working in one Kung Fu scene (and random Bruce Lee reference) fails to do the same here for the tired swashbuckling genre. The idea of a Joe D'Amato Pirate movie with Kung Fu scenes sounds allot better in theory than it plays in practice.
Reviews
213 Reviews
They Want Us Woke Not Awake
(2023)
What I like about Rene Perez movies is the oh so subtle approach to current issues
24 January 2024
Likely to be the most incendiary, controversial 34 minutes of film you'll see in 2024, this is the latest offering from firebrand filmmaker Rene Perez. The average viewer might know Perez from his 'Playing with Dolls' horror film franchise or 'Death Kiss' which made a star of Hungarian Charles Bronson lookalike Robert Bronzi, and managed to steal thunder away from the official Death Wish remake a few years ago.
Subsequent productions have however seen Perez drift away from being the heir apparent to Michael Winner, and instead edge closer and closer towards being the 21st century version of Ron Ormond. Using exploitation film techniques to espouse deeply conservative views, Perez's films are likely to find as much favour at a Trump rally, as they would in grindhouses of old. Given there uncompromising politics, distribution of these newer style Perez productions- which could be dubbed 'QAnon-ploitation' films- have been limited to Perez's own Rebellion Flix website. The exclusive home to the likes of ONLY FANS ALLOWED, in which the Illuminati sends a superhuman, masked killer after an anti-vaxxer, or PRO-GOD, PRO-GUN, in which a Vietnam veteran asks for god's help to battle atheist bank robbers. Perez's latest 'THEY WANT US WOKE, NOT AWAKE' has managed to escape the confines of Rebellion Flix and onto YouTube, albeit with a few choice cuts for political content and female nudity.
They Want Us Woke reunites Perez with actress Chelsea Evered, a stand out performer in Pro-God, Pro-Gun where she played the lesbian head of the atheist bank robber baddies. Rightly recalled by Perez, Evered is an impressive, powerhouse of an actress, who like her director, appears willing to sacrifice a mainstream career in favour of political beliefs. Here she's the heroine of the piece, an unnamed woman who has walked a hard path in life due to her conservative stance. One that has seen her lose her husband to a feminist, her mother due to differing views on abortion, and her son due to her gender critical beliefs.
As in Only Fans Allowed, They Want Us Woke begins as pure political sandboxing, as Evered's character launches into a monologue that touches on just about every socially taboo topic... reparations for slavery, the death penalty, abortion, the trans issue, sex education in schools. While the politics of They Want Us Woke is limited to just two early scenes, Perez manages to squeeze allot into them, serving up a McControversial sandwich, with a side order of hot potatoes.
They Want Us Woke then takes a hard right into horror/exploitation territory, as Evered's character gets kidnapped, along with a Trump supporting radio DJ. There captor being a mysterious, gas mask wearing figure who has been trafficking the organs of outspoken right-wingers for his liberal masters.
I wouldn't say They Want Us Woke is the ideal place to start with Perez, his 'above ground' productions like Cry Havoc and Cabal are a better showcase for what he can do on a larger budget, and are more subtle in their social commentary. If you want to be thrown in the deep end though, They Want Us Woke is undiluted, industrial strength Rene Perez, if you will. It gives you an idea of the talent he has for staging action and suspense, which by rights should be seeing him currently asending the ranks of B-Movie filmmakers, while at the same time amplifying the extreme politics that are likely to further ghettoise him to smaller scale, tub-thumping like this. A hill that- career wise at least- Rene Perez seems willing to die on.
Subsequent productions have however seen Perez drift away from being the heir apparent to Michael Winner, and instead edge closer and closer towards being the 21st century version of Ron Ormond. Using exploitation film techniques to espouse deeply conservative views, Perez's films are likely to find as much favour at a Trump rally, as they would in grindhouses of old. Given there uncompromising politics, distribution of these newer style Perez productions- which could be dubbed 'QAnon-ploitation' films- have been limited to Perez's own Rebellion Flix website. The exclusive home to the likes of ONLY FANS ALLOWED, in which the Illuminati sends a superhuman, masked killer after an anti-vaxxer, or PRO-GOD, PRO-GUN, in which a Vietnam veteran asks for god's help to battle atheist bank robbers. Perez's latest 'THEY WANT US WOKE, NOT AWAKE' has managed to escape the confines of Rebellion Flix and onto YouTube, albeit with a few choice cuts for political content and female nudity.
They Want Us Woke reunites Perez with actress Chelsea Evered, a stand out performer in Pro-God, Pro-Gun where she played the lesbian head of the atheist bank robber baddies. Rightly recalled by Perez, Evered is an impressive, powerhouse of an actress, who like her director, appears willing to sacrifice a mainstream career in favour of political beliefs. Here she's the heroine of the piece, an unnamed woman who has walked a hard path in life due to her conservative stance. One that has seen her lose her husband to a feminist, her mother due to differing views on abortion, and her son due to her gender critical beliefs.
As in Only Fans Allowed, They Want Us Woke begins as pure political sandboxing, as Evered's character launches into a monologue that touches on just about every socially taboo topic... reparations for slavery, the death penalty, abortion, the trans issue, sex education in schools. While the politics of They Want Us Woke is limited to just two early scenes, Perez manages to squeeze allot into them, serving up a McControversial sandwich, with a side order of hot potatoes.
They Want Us Woke then takes a hard right into horror/exploitation territory, as Evered's character gets kidnapped, along with a Trump supporting radio DJ. There captor being a mysterious, gas mask wearing figure who has been trafficking the organs of outspoken right-wingers for his liberal masters.
I wouldn't say They Want Us Woke is the ideal place to start with Perez, his 'above ground' productions like Cry Havoc and Cabal are a better showcase for what he can do on a larger budget, and are more subtle in their social commentary. If you want to be thrown in the deep end though, They Want Us Woke is undiluted, industrial strength Rene Perez, if you will. It gives you an idea of the talent he has for staging action and suspense, which by rights should be seeing him currently asending the ranks of B-Movie filmmakers, while at the same time amplifying the extreme politics that are likely to further ghettoise him to smaller scale, tub-thumping like this. A hill that- career wise at least- Rene Perez seems willing to die on.
Creepshow 2
(1987)
A few thoughts on 'The Raft'
4 January 2024
Warning: Spoilers
You do have to feel sorry for Rachel in this, who comes across as a casual friend of Randy and has little in common with the other two. It's painful obvious to Rachel that she's just there to make up the numbers, and that both guys are crazy for Laverne, with Randy constantly trying to get Laverne's attention, even though she's much more into Deke. Page Hannah who plays Rachel proved to be an attractive actress in her other screen appearances but significantly glams down here and is eclipsed in terms of sexiness by Jeremy Green's Laverne... a character described in Romero's script as 'a knockout straight from the pages of Playboy's 'The Girls of Horlicks' spread. Rachel and Laverne's dress sense pretty much informing their characters, Rachel wears a virginally white bikini, while vixen Laverne is the lady in red. Creepshow 2 does tear up the 1980s horror movie rule book in a few notable ways. Giving the nerdish, but seemingly nice guy Randy, a sexually predatory side, and killing off Rachel first. Even though of the two female characters, Rachel is far more 'final girl' material, with only the fact that she smokes being at odds with that goody two shoes image. You get the impression that Laverne might be aware of Randy's feelings towards her and has fun flirting with him, especially that scene where she runs to the water and looks back to make sure he is checking out her ass. Then immediately prior to that, had teased him by asking "we're actually gonna do it, huh?", implying he might get to score with her, before adding "we're gonna swim out to the raft?". A case could even be made for the blob being a physical manifestation of Randy's lust for Laverne. After all it conveniently takes both Rachel and Deke out of the picture, and places Randy where he's always wanted to be...in Laverne's arms...and at her begging insistence to boot. There's a subtle suggestion that Laverne becomes aware just how much Randy wants her when they hold each other and he takes advantage of the situation by affectionately caressing her back, which she seems slightly uncomfortable with. In the morning he can no longer fight off his attraction to the sleeping Laverne. There was meant to have been a tie-in comic book adaptation of Creepshow 2, which was never published but years later surfaced online. While it toned down the sexual element of this scene it does give an indication of what's going on in Randy's head at this point "He's wanted her since he was a freshman, but she was unattainable, she was Deke's, but that doesn't seem to matter now". Initially he is curiously drawn to her midsection, presumably he's also wanted to scratch and kiss her belly since he was a freshman as well, before a slight movement from Laverne draws his attention to just how spectacular her breasts are, and that part of her body becomes the focus of his attention. Of course, in the eyes of the law what he is doing would be considered sexual assault yet the music used here is romantic in tone and the scene played as a highly charged, sexual moment between the two characters. Rarely have protestations of 'No' been more contradictory than those coming from the sleeping Laverne, who sounds on the verge of orgasm at this point. Would Randy have been able to go much further?, pretty unlikely, no one is that much of a deep sleeper, but his frustration at having to call this off just as he was about to start kissing her breasts, is then matched by the guilt trip that his inability to control himself has gotten the girl he wanted for so long killed. I suppose in that sense this scene epitomises the 'have sex and die' ethos of 1980s horror films, one which also implicates the audience in Randy's lack of judgement...after all Jeremy Green's nudity in that scene really does cause you to forget that darned blob and the danger the characters are in. I'm sure getting her killed was the last thing on Randy's mind, Laverne being the girl he has loved, or at the very least lusted after, from afar for such a long time. Unfortunately taking his mind off the ball, and onto her boobs, is what causes her death. There is an overt conservatism to Creepshow 2, the young people in Old Chief Wood'nhead are all violent thugs, looking for a quick way to get rich and don't mind murdering older hard working Americans to get it. Smoking weed and lusting after girls gets you killed in The Raft, and likewise the lady in The Hitchhiker signs her own death warrant by paying men for sex behind her husband's back. Although I'm inclined to think that this puritanical outlook was less a reflection on George Romero and Stephen King, and more to do with the bigwigs at New World Pictures. After Roger Corman sold New World in the early 1980s, the new management were all apparently card carrying republicans, and seem to have been far more right leaning politically than Corman ever was.
King's original short story version of The Raft dates from his pre-fame days writing for skin magazines, likely explaining the sexual element that is partially retained in the movie. Although the original story differs in several significant ways from the Creepshow 2 adaptation with the character Randy being closer in spirit to the Deke character of the movie. Laverne is also his girlfriend in the story and the pair of them end up having full sex on the raft ('he slid upward, forward, into her. Warmth. God, she was warm there, at least') with Randy reassuring her that he'll keep an eye on on the blob while they are doing it. Only to become distracted by thoughts of girls on the beach and how 'if the bottom of the bikini was small enough you might see some hair, hair, hair'. A turn of events that might have made the story an easy sell to soft core mags ('Adam' magazine bought the rights in 1969, yet it may not have appeared in print until 1982) but was obviously deemed way too implausible for the big screen. Interestingly, Romero's 1984 draft of the script originally envisioned the scene as more explicit and definitely unconsensual "she wakes up. She is pinned under Randy's weight. His face is buried in her chest, his hands are exploring wildly". That line is gone from the 1986 version of the script, and the film follows that by having her waking up and being unaware of what he did to her while she slept. Romero's original script is super horny and highly sexual, uncharacteristically for him. There's something about the LaVerne character that brought out the dirty old man in Romero, with script details like "Randy is watching Laverne's wiggling ass from behind Deke's back" and "her nipples are clearly visible through her wet Horlicks Tee-Shirt, cold hard points". It's an aspect that is toned down slightly for the film, which does tend to miss the point made in the script, that Randy's molestation of LaVerne is an emulation of Deke's touchy feely behaviour towards her "the big oaf is fondling one of Laverne's breasts again...the action makes her Tee-Shirt pull more tightly on the other breast, and the wet, sensuous motion distracts Randy away from his fears".
In the UK, the Raft segment of Creepshow 2 does contain a few unintentionally funny elements. Laverne's Horlicks University T-Shirt might be a call back to the Crate segment in the first Creepshow, but in the UK 'Horlicks' is synonymous with a creamy hot drink of the same name, terminally unhip and predominately favoured by old people. While 'Randy' is a word that has connotations with being aroused and horny, so at least in the British sense Creepshow 2's Randy really did live up to his name!
As for Creepshow 2 as a whole, I must admit to finding it a let down when I initially saw it, taped off Sky Movies in the early 1990s. That opening 'Old Chief Wood'nhead' episode is just so depressing and mean spirited- poor Martha and Ray- totally it odds with the first film, which never forget to have a sense of fun. It gets Creepshow 2 off on a wrong foot, from which it struggles to recover from. While Old Chief Wood'nhead successfully does that old Amicus thing of working you up into a state of contempt against despicable people and having you chomping at the bit to see them get their comeuppance...it takes sooooo long to get there. Since Creepshow 2 is considerably down on name actors compared to the first film, it makes sense why they'd want to keep George Kennedy and Dorothy Lamour around for as long as possible, but surely no Creepshow episode needs to be 30 minutes long. In contrast The Raft and The Hitchhiker get the job done, leave a bigger impression and are out of there in what seems like half the time. Shoot me down in flames for saying this if you want, but I've always felt a little sorry for former Bond girl Lois Chiles, whose topless scene in the film almost immediately follows that of the considerably younger Jeremy Green...and just isn't as impressive...Jeremy Green being a hard act to follow in the nudity department. I remember lending my off air recording of Creepshow 2 to a friend at school, who just couldn't stop babbling about Jeremy's nudity in the film. Get this...rather than give me the tape back, he started passing it around the playground, believe me as a result Jeremy Green had quite the fan club going on at my school. I don't think I ever did get that VHS tape back, although it probably would have been rendered unplayable given all the pausing and rewinding it must have been put through. On account of being the source of that tape though, I was briefly the coolest kid in school, so for that Ms. Green -wherever you are- I give thanks.
King's original short story version of The Raft dates from his pre-fame days writing for skin magazines, likely explaining the sexual element that is partially retained in the movie. Although the original story differs in several significant ways from the Creepshow 2 adaptation with the character Randy being closer in spirit to the Deke character of the movie. Laverne is also his girlfriend in the story and the pair of them end up having full sex on the raft ('he slid upward, forward, into her. Warmth. God, she was warm there, at least') with Randy reassuring her that he'll keep an eye on on the blob while they are doing it. Only to become distracted by thoughts of girls on the beach and how 'if the bottom of the bikini was small enough you might see some hair, hair, hair'. A turn of events that might have made the story an easy sell to soft core mags ('Adam' magazine bought the rights in 1969, yet it may not have appeared in print until 1982) but was obviously deemed way too implausible for the big screen. Interestingly, Romero's 1984 draft of the script originally envisioned the scene as more explicit and definitely unconsensual "she wakes up. She is pinned under Randy's weight. His face is buried in her chest, his hands are exploring wildly". That line is gone from the 1986 version of the script, and the film follows that by having her waking up and being unaware of what he did to her while she slept. Romero's original script is super horny and highly sexual, uncharacteristically for him. There's something about the LaVerne character that brought out the dirty old man in Romero, with script details like "Randy is watching Laverne's wiggling ass from behind Deke's back" and "her nipples are clearly visible through her wet Horlicks Tee-Shirt, cold hard points". It's an aspect that is toned down slightly for the film, which does tend to miss the point made in the script, that Randy's molestation of LaVerne is an emulation of Deke's touchy feely behaviour towards her "the big oaf is fondling one of Laverne's breasts again...the action makes her Tee-Shirt pull more tightly on the other breast, and the wet, sensuous motion distracts Randy away from his fears".
In the UK, the Raft segment of Creepshow 2 does contain a few unintentionally funny elements. Laverne's Horlicks University T-Shirt might be a call back to the Crate segment in the first Creepshow, but in the UK 'Horlicks' is synonymous with a creamy hot drink of the same name, terminally unhip and predominately favoured by old people. While 'Randy' is a word that has connotations with being aroused and horny, so at least in the British sense Creepshow 2's Randy really did live up to his name!
As for Creepshow 2 as a whole, I must admit to finding it a let down when I initially saw it, taped off Sky Movies in the early 1990s. That opening 'Old Chief Wood'nhead' episode is just so depressing and mean spirited- poor Martha and Ray- totally it odds with the first film, which never forget to have a sense of fun. It gets Creepshow 2 off on a wrong foot, from which it struggles to recover from. While Old Chief Wood'nhead successfully does that old Amicus thing of working you up into a state of contempt against despicable people and having you chomping at the bit to see them get their comeuppance...it takes sooooo long to get there. Since Creepshow 2 is considerably down on name actors compared to the first film, it makes sense why they'd want to keep George Kennedy and Dorothy Lamour around for as long as possible, but surely no Creepshow episode needs to be 30 minutes long. In contrast The Raft and The Hitchhiker get the job done, leave a bigger impression and are out of there in what seems like half the time. Shoot me down in flames for saying this if you want, but I've always felt a little sorry for former Bond girl Lois Chiles, whose topless scene in the film almost immediately follows that of the considerably younger Jeremy Green...and just isn't as impressive...Jeremy Green being a hard act to follow in the nudity department. I remember lending my off air recording of Creepshow 2 to a friend at school, who just couldn't stop babbling about Jeremy's nudity in the film. Get this...rather than give me the tape back, he started passing it around the playground, believe me as a result Jeremy Green had quite the fan club going on at my school. I don't think I ever did get that VHS tape back, although it probably would have been rendered unplayable given all the pausing and rewinding it must have been put through. On account of being the source of that tape though, I was briefly the coolest kid in school, so for that Ms. Green -wherever you are- I give thanks.
Naughty British Babes
(1998 Video)
Hannah Coleman
13 December 2023
Hannah Coleman spent 18 months in the porn business, and really should have been more well known, she was incredibly hot stuff in her day. Hannah was in such high demand that her career practically acts as an overview of the era's UK porn, and a Who's Who of its male performers, all of whom were lucky enough to have the pleasure of her. Veteran cocksman Ben Dover put her in 'Naughty British Babes' which showcases Hannah at her most sluttish. The premise -Hannah is auditioning for a job as a lap dancer- quickly gets thrown aside in favour of Ben's hands going a wandering, and Hannah's giggling, enthusiastic response "does this mean that I'm gonna get a good shagging after this audition or not...I didn't come all this all way for nothing". Getting blown by her in his car, Ben alternates between filming the oral sex and getting an exhibitionist's kick at the expense of the oblivious people driving past "you don't know what we're doing". When the pair get to a hotel room, two other guys await, much to Hannah's horny enthusiasm. Canny enough to realise he has a genuine star on his hands, Dover lets his own persona take a back seat here, allowing Hannah to be front and center, as well as other more uncomfortable sexual positions. Hannah gives a masterclass here in dirty talk, seductive looks straight to the camera, and sweaty, animalistic sex. The most memorable moment in Naughty British Babes sees Hannah ecstatically run into a room, jump on the bed and throw her legs apart, with Ben and the other guys in hot pursuit... proving that as The Sensational Alex Harvey Band once sang 'ain't nothing like a gang bang to blow away the blues'.
Just don't mention Macbeth
13 August 2023
Imagine the publishers of those 'The World of the Unknown' books had attempted to translate them to the big screen, only to fall under the collective influence of Haxan, Rabbit's Moon by Kenneth Anger, and possibly even The Legend of the Witches.
That's the best stab I can make at the tricky job of trying to describe The Pocket Film of Superstitions to another person. Bypassing a traditional narrative, it instead favours a series of visualised anecdotes depicting the superstitions that have plagued man throughout the ages. Ranging from the fear of walking under ladders, spilling salt, stepping on a crack, to superstitions that take us deeper into horror territory as the film turns it's attention to vampires, haunted houses, witchcraft and other things that go bump in the night.
Elements of folk horror, pseudo documentary, and Pythonesque humour and animation all mingle together, in what ultimately comes across as a glass raising toast to British eccentricity. While the overall tone is playful, irreverent, almost Horrible Histories at times, there is still a fair share of unsettling imagery here. An encounter with a demonic baby, with the unusual aliment of having branches emerging from its mouth, being a highlight in that respect. The impressive, generation spanning cast of cult stars includes Hammer veterans Caroline Munro and Pauline Peart, the disembodied head of Lynn Lowry, new queen of Brit horror Dani Thompson, and the vocal talents of Patrick Olliver, formerly of Michael J Murphy movies. Stylishly shot in black and white, and ambitiously set over various periods of history, in terms of imagination this is streets ahead of the 'knock 'em out quickly'/fast food approach to filmmaking that has tended to dominate the British horror scene of late. While on a visual level, The Pocket Film of Superstitions will save you having to buy any magic mushrooms for a while.
That's the best stab I can make at the tricky job of trying to describe The Pocket Film of Superstitions to another person. Bypassing a traditional narrative, it instead favours a series of visualised anecdotes depicting the superstitions that have plagued man throughout the ages. Ranging from the fear of walking under ladders, spilling salt, stepping on a crack, to superstitions that take us deeper into horror territory as the film turns it's attention to vampires, haunted houses, witchcraft and other things that go bump in the night.
Elements of folk horror, pseudo documentary, and Pythonesque humour and animation all mingle together, in what ultimately comes across as a glass raising toast to British eccentricity. While the overall tone is playful, irreverent, almost Horrible Histories at times, there is still a fair share of unsettling imagery here. An encounter with a demonic baby, with the unusual aliment of having branches emerging from its mouth, being a highlight in that respect. The impressive, generation spanning cast of cult stars includes Hammer veterans Caroline Munro and Pauline Peart, the disembodied head of Lynn Lowry, new queen of Brit horror Dani Thompson, and the vocal talents of Patrick Olliver, formerly of Michael J Murphy movies. Stylishly shot in black and white, and ambitiously set over various periods of history, in terms of imagination this is streets ahead of the 'knock 'em out quickly'/fast food approach to filmmaking that has tended to dominate the British horror scene of late. While on a visual level, The Pocket Film of Superstitions will save you having to buy any magic mushrooms for a while.
The Tiger Lily
(1975)
The Tiger Lily
2 April 2023
The Tiger Lily stars Diane Cilento as a TV personality whose show is on the brink of being axed by her boss (John Gregson, in his last cinema role) and whose relationship with a younger, out of work actor (Leigh Lawson) is also threatening to dissolve. Set amongst a harsh, brutalist landscape reminiscent of early Cronenberg movies, The Tiger Lily also benefits from a superb psychedelic soundtrack by Alan Blakley, formally of The Tremeloes, and an unknown female singer calling herself 'Rasputin'. Very obscure these days, The Tiger Lily played Soho's Cameo Moulin cinema in 1977 as the co-feature to Serge Gainsbourg's film Je t'aime Moi Non Plus (1976) starring Jane Birkin and Joe Dallesandro.
Darker Shades of Summer
(2023)
Secrets of Plex
5 March 2023
Direct to Plex in the UK, this is the latest in the unlikely British sex film revival that has so far given us Dirty Work (also currently up on Plex), Darker Shades of Elise, Graphic Desires and Dirty Games. Summer (Danielle Scott) and her husband Dylan (Stephen Staley) are experiencing marital difficulties, due to his stressful job at a law firm. Being ridden too hard by his bosses during the day, means that he is often too tired to be ridden by Summer at night. When accidentally catching her friend Steph (May Kelly) having sex, and managing to talk Dylan into masturbating to porn, fails to spice up her sex life, Summer decides the only way to save her marriage is to book her and Dylan into a swingers retreat. Despite the Fifty Shades of Grey imitation title, Darker Shades of Summer is the kind of sex drama that the likes of Stanley Long and Derek Ford were making back in the 1970s, with only the use of mobile phones and tattooed cast members breaking that illusion. True to the Ford/Long model Darker Shades of Summer decides to have its cake and eat it when it comes to the swinging theme. Titilating the audience as Dylan and Summer enjoy various sexual encounters at the retreat, but then going down the sensationalist route of having their decision to swing boomerang back on them in the form of blackmail, infidelity and violence. It's nice to see Danielle Scott, who has been a standout performer in low budget British horror recently (most notably the two 'Doctor Carver' movies) get a lead role, and unlike in her horror movie roles she is seen naked allot here. Unfortunately she is badly let down by her male co-stars in Darker Shades of Summer, whose acting renders unintentionally hilarious what were obviously intended to be powerful, dramatic scenes. Although the actor playing her husband does at least have an amusingly wooden Joe Dallesandro type quality to him. However scenes between Summer and Simon (Jack Ilco) the enigmatic MC of the retreat who she falls for, suffer in comparison to Darker Shades of Elise, which had a similar toxic relationship theme but a much more compelling actor in the bad guy role.
Darker Shades of Summer is something of a companion piece to the same people's Dirty Games, which shared the same locations, same leads and supporting cast including the irrepressible Chrissie Wunna and Aquaman lookalike Mark Haldor. It's a slight improvement on Dirty Games -which had a memorable scene of Chrissie Wunna being knocked unconscious by a big black dildo- but was otherwise a dud. Yet while Dirty Games was afforded an Amazon prime and physical media release, poor Summer costs nothing to date, having been ditched straight to Plex. According to the IMDb the film isn't actually meant to have been released until March the 1st, so possibly Plex have prematurely ejaculated by putting this out at the end of January?
The heavily tattooed cast members means that if you do get bored by watching them having sex, you can at least pass the time by trying to read what has been written on them.
Darker Shades of Summer is something of a companion piece to the same people's Dirty Games, which shared the same locations, same leads and supporting cast including the irrepressible Chrissie Wunna and Aquaman lookalike Mark Haldor. It's a slight improvement on Dirty Games -which had a memorable scene of Chrissie Wunna being knocked unconscious by a big black dildo- but was otherwise a dud. Yet while Dirty Games was afforded an Amazon prime and physical media release, poor Summer costs nothing to date, having been ditched straight to Plex. According to the IMDb the film isn't actually meant to have been released until March the 1st, so possibly Plex have prematurely ejaculated by putting this out at the end of January?
The heavily tattooed cast members means that if you do get bored by watching them having sex, you can at least pass the time by trying to read what has been written on them.
House of the Gorgon
(2019)
So bad...
12 February 2023
House of the Gorgon reunites Hammer veterans Caroline Munro, Martine Beswick, Veronica Carlson and Christopher Neame, in a film that seeks to recapture their glory days, only for amateur hour production values to constantly work against it.
Of the assembled Hammer thespians, Beswick fairs the best, but is given the least screen time. Munro has gotten awfully hammy in her old age, and Neame and Carlson look like they want to be elsewhere. The supporting cast range from merely passable to people who should never have been allowed in front of a camera. Tiresome visual Easter Eggs...cutaways to portraits of Lee, Cushing and Michael Gough...having Munro play the organ a la Vincent Price in The Abominable Dr Phibes whilst admiring a portrait of Vincent Price...just serves as a reminder of how much this fanwank is falling short of its influences.
There's also a number of awkward instances where modern day mores seem to have caused the filmmakers to chicken out of following in Hammer's footsteps. Most noticeably a character who is meant to be a hunchback but who doesn't actually appear to have a hunch on his back, he doesn't even have bad posture. While it is understandable in this day and age that the filmmakers were wary of having a non-disabled actor fake a disability onscreen, it's a decision that renders nonsensical the scenes where cruel villagers are berating this hunchback...who isn't a hunchback. The film also channels the lustful T&A aspects that Hammer went in for in the 1970s, by having one of the younger actresses (Jamie Trevino) take a nude dip in a bathtub, only to digitally censor her breasts...were they afraid that unpixilated bazongas would have instantly rendered the audience rock hard (rubbish 'gorgon' pun intended)
Writer/director/leading man Joshua Kennedy looks to be having a whale of a time, being onscreen alongside Hammer icons, playing the love interest of Munro's daughter Georgina Dugdale, and prancing around in what appears to be an attempt at Coffin Joe cosplay. Still you have to question why anyone would put senior actors they claim to admire in such a cheap looking, vanity project at the twilight of their careers, and indeed this turned out to be Carlson's last movie. I'm sure House of the Gorgon was was put together with good intentions, but the road to hell is paved with those, and I'm afraid this is the latest in a long line of horror movies which illustate that just because you are a mega fan of the genre doesn't mean you have anything of value to contribute to it.
Of the assembled Hammer thespians, Beswick fairs the best, but is given the least screen time. Munro has gotten awfully hammy in her old age, and Neame and Carlson look like they want to be elsewhere. The supporting cast range from merely passable to people who should never have been allowed in front of a camera. Tiresome visual Easter Eggs...cutaways to portraits of Lee, Cushing and Michael Gough...having Munro play the organ a la Vincent Price in The Abominable Dr Phibes whilst admiring a portrait of Vincent Price...just serves as a reminder of how much this fanwank is falling short of its influences.
There's also a number of awkward instances where modern day mores seem to have caused the filmmakers to chicken out of following in Hammer's footsteps. Most noticeably a character who is meant to be a hunchback but who doesn't actually appear to have a hunch on his back, he doesn't even have bad posture. While it is understandable in this day and age that the filmmakers were wary of having a non-disabled actor fake a disability onscreen, it's a decision that renders nonsensical the scenes where cruel villagers are berating this hunchback...who isn't a hunchback. The film also channels the lustful T&A aspects that Hammer went in for in the 1970s, by having one of the younger actresses (Jamie Trevino) take a nude dip in a bathtub, only to digitally censor her breasts...were they afraid that unpixilated bazongas would have instantly rendered the audience rock hard (rubbish 'gorgon' pun intended)
Writer/director/leading man Joshua Kennedy looks to be having a whale of a time, being onscreen alongside Hammer icons, playing the love interest of Munro's daughter Georgina Dugdale, and prancing around in what appears to be an attempt at Coffin Joe cosplay. Still you have to question why anyone would put senior actors they claim to admire in such a cheap looking, vanity project at the twilight of their careers, and indeed this turned out to be Carlson's last movie. I'm sure House of the Gorgon was was put together with good intentions, but the road to hell is paved with those, and I'm afraid this is the latest in a long line of horror movies which illustate that just because you are a mega fan of the genre doesn't mean you have anything of value to contribute to it.
Fixer
(2021)
The Joy of Plex
27 January 2023
Surfacing this week on the Plex streaming service is Fixer, a political satire that reunites a few familiar faces from the films of much missed auteur Michael J Murphy, as well as continuing the Murphy tradition of low, low budget filmmaking in the Portsmouth area.
Patrick Olliver stars as Thomas Chalk, a fascistic political candidate who sells himself to the public as a Churchillian figure. Phil Lyndon plays his 'Fixer' a piece of hired muscle whose job it is to discredit and/or brutalise those that stand in Chalk's way. Another Murphy regular Steven Longhurst, briefly shows up as one of Chalk's liberal opponents, whose career is quickly destroyed by a covertly filmed S&M session.
The only real spanner in the works of Chalk's rise to power is his out of control son Adam, whose potentially embarrassing partying ways causes Chalk to partner Adam up with the Fixer. Resulting in a sort of buddy comedy in which the mismatched duo of Adam and the Fixer drive around the mean streets of Portsmouth and Adam receives a crash course in the violent and underhand tactics his father is prepared to stoop to in order to gain political office. From a 2023 perspective it's difficult not to think of a film depicting a hedonistic, spoilt son who poses a threat to his father's political ambitions as a satirical swipe at Hunter Biden, and Fixer as the UK equivalent of 'My Son Hunter'. Although the fact that the first trailer for Fixer dropped in late 2019, suggests the production pre-dated both the laptop story and the Robert Davi film. It seems in that respect resemblance to real life characters really was coincidental, but that the filmmakers' crystal ball was only slightly off when it came to the father's political leanings. The Fixer is a cynical but hilariously foul mouthed political diatribe, with a troubling air of truth to it when it comes to the ruthless, dirty game that is politics. Don't go expecting an action fest- despite the duo's run ins with neo-nazi thugs and football hooligans- that's definitely not where this film's head is at. However Patrick Olliver is clearly having a ball playing Nigel Farage in all but name, and Phil Lyndon remarkably reinvents himself as a Statham esque tough guy with a undeniable talent for gutter level insults.
Patrick Olliver stars as Thomas Chalk, a fascistic political candidate who sells himself to the public as a Churchillian figure. Phil Lyndon plays his 'Fixer' a piece of hired muscle whose job it is to discredit and/or brutalise those that stand in Chalk's way. Another Murphy regular Steven Longhurst, briefly shows up as one of Chalk's liberal opponents, whose career is quickly destroyed by a covertly filmed S&M session.
The only real spanner in the works of Chalk's rise to power is his out of control son Adam, whose potentially embarrassing partying ways causes Chalk to partner Adam up with the Fixer. Resulting in a sort of buddy comedy in which the mismatched duo of Adam and the Fixer drive around the mean streets of Portsmouth and Adam receives a crash course in the violent and underhand tactics his father is prepared to stoop to in order to gain political office. From a 2023 perspective it's difficult not to think of a film depicting a hedonistic, spoilt son who poses a threat to his father's political ambitions as a satirical swipe at Hunter Biden, and Fixer as the UK equivalent of 'My Son Hunter'. Although the fact that the first trailer for Fixer dropped in late 2019, suggests the production pre-dated both the laptop story and the Robert Davi film. It seems in that respect resemblance to real life characters really was coincidental, but that the filmmakers' crystal ball was only slightly off when it came to the father's political leanings. The Fixer is a cynical but hilariously foul mouthed political diatribe, with a troubling air of truth to it when it comes to the ruthless, dirty game that is politics. Don't go expecting an action fest- despite the duo's run ins with neo-nazi thugs and football hooligans- that's definitely not where this film's head is at. However Patrick Olliver is clearly having a ball playing Nigel Farage in all but name, and Phil Lyndon remarkably reinvents himself as a Statham esque tough guy with a undeniable talent for gutter level insults.
Brazen Impact
(2022)
The 21st century equivalent of 'The Guy from Harlem'
19 January 2023
The search for the world's least interesting movie poster might be at an end; the one for Brazen Impact looks like a couple who aren't getting along decided to pose in front of an expensive car that they don't really own but took the photo in order to pretend they do.
The film itself popped up on Plex here in the UK this week, and is as nightmarishly low-rent as the poster suggests. The star names here are George Stover, from Don Dohler films, and Sharon Smyth, who was a child actress in Dark Shadows. The rest of the cast come across as elderly relatives, who've had their arms twisted into appearing in the film, or someone's buddies who are all trying to act tough for the camera.
From what I saw of it the most noteworthy thing about Brazen Impact is the name of the lead character...which I'll never get away with mentioning here... the PG-13 version of the name would be 'Excrement Charlie'. At one point he goes off on an overseas trip, merely so that they can cut in someone's holiday video of Madrid, all filmed from a speeding coach and on a different format to the rest of the film! I have to confess that I couldn't make it much more than half an hour into Brazen Impact, but what I did see wasn't very brazen and there wasn't much impact either, just lots of yakking in cheap hotel rooms. A heir apparent to 'The Guy From Harlem' school of filmmaking inertia.
The film itself popped up on Plex here in the UK this week, and is as nightmarishly low-rent as the poster suggests. The star names here are George Stover, from Don Dohler films, and Sharon Smyth, who was a child actress in Dark Shadows. The rest of the cast come across as elderly relatives, who've had their arms twisted into appearing in the film, or someone's buddies who are all trying to act tough for the camera.
From what I saw of it the most noteworthy thing about Brazen Impact is the name of the lead character...which I'll never get away with mentioning here... the PG-13 version of the name would be 'Excrement Charlie'. At one point he goes off on an overseas trip, merely so that they can cut in someone's holiday video of Madrid, all filmed from a speeding coach and on a different format to the rest of the film! I have to confess that I couldn't make it much more than half an hour into Brazen Impact, but what I did see wasn't very brazen and there wasn't much impact either, just lots of yakking in cheap hotel rooms. A heir apparent to 'The Guy From Harlem' school of filmmaking inertia.
The Cellar Club
(2021– )
Late Night Horror Intros
25 January 2022
A series of Friday night screenings of mostly horror films (with the occasional public domain film noir thrown in there) on Talking Pictures TV introduced by Caroline Munro. Nice as Munro seems (and I'm sure is) and nice as it is to see anyone attempting horror themed programming on British television in 2022, The Cellar Club keeps being sunk by an air of laziness and indifference when it comes to research.
Munro's intro to Island of Terror claimed it was an "early Hammer production" and "the early special effects creak a little but strangely work in black and white giving a Quatermass feel" followed by a Planet films production in full colour. Oh dear. Bizarrely the films shown on the 1st April 2022, appear to have had the end of their intros mixed up. Meaning the intro to The Return of Count Yorga (1971) concluded with Munro claiming the film we were about to see was about one man's irrational fear. Which makes no sense in the context of Return of Count Yorga, and instead sounded more suited to the next film The Premature Burial (1962) which was praised for being true to real life, a claim you suspect was instead meant for the last film of the night The Town That Dreaded Sundown (1976). Just where is the quality control there?
Allowing Munro to read out and answer viewers' letters has meant her introductions now expand beyond merely name checking various cast and crew members as well as reading basic plot synopses off an autocue. However for every letter prompting Munro into a worthwhile trip down memory lane, she has also been struck with some particularly idiotic questions. This week's one "do you like horror films? Where is the cellar club and can we visit it?" was predictability toe-curling (its clearly a studio with a fake background) but the nadir so far has been "what cars have you owned?, if any".
Introducing a screening of Virgin Witch saw Munro going into full on luvvie mode as a result of being placed in the awkward position of talking about a film starring a friend of hers...who loathes it. "I know Vicki (Michelle), she is the most amazing lady, not only is she a fabulous sport and beautiful, but she does so much work for charity, and I've been to quite a few of her events to support her various charities, she's a lovely lady" claims CM (read: "oh god Vicki, I hope we'll still be on speaking terms after I introduce THIS")
Kudos for bringing the likes of Count Yorga, Vampire and Theatre of Blood back to UK television, but these intros give the impression their makers spent about five minutes googling these movies or going on Wikipedia to come up with Munro's scripts. What's frustrating is that the Cellar Club concept has so much potential, yet the execution has frankly been embarrassing, leaving the Munro intros lagging way behind the Alex Cox and Joe Bob Briggs level of movie hosting.
Munro's intro to Island of Terror claimed it was an "early Hammer production" and "the early special effects creak a little but strangely work in black and white giving a Quatermass feel" followed by a Planet films production in full colour. Oh dear. Bizarrely the films shown on the 1st April 2022, appear to have had the end of their intros mixed up. Meaning the intro to The Return of Count Yorga (1971) concluded with Munro claiming the film we were about to see was about one man's irrational fear. Which makes no sense in the context of Return of Count Yorga, and instead sounded more suited to the next film The Premature Burial (1962) which was praised for being true to real life, a claim you suspect was instead meant for the last film of the night The Town That Dreaded Sundown (1976). Just where is the quality control there?
Allowing Munro to read out and answer viewers' letters has meant her introductions now expand beyond merely name checking various cast and crew members as well as reading basic plot synopses off an autocue. However for every letter prompting Munro into a worthwhile trip down memory lane, she has also been struck with some particularly idiotic questions. This week's one "do you like horror films? Where is the cellar club and can we visit it?" was predictability toe-curling (its clearly a studio with a fake background) but the nadir so far has been "what cars have you owned?, if any".
Introducing a screening of Virgin Witch saw Munro going into full on luvvie mode as a result of being placed in the awkward position of talking about a film starring a friend of hers...who loathes it. "I know Vicki (Michelle), she is the most amazing lady, not only is she a fabulous sport and beautiful, but she does so much work for charity, and I've been to quite a few of her events to support her various charities, she's a lovely lady" claims CM (read: "oh god Vicki, I hope we'll still be on speaking terms after I introduce THIS")
Kudos for bringing the likes of Count Yorga, Vampire and Theatre of Blood back to UK television, but these intros give the impression their makers spent about five minutes googling these movies or going on Wikipedia to come up with Munro's scripts. What's frustrating is that the Cellar Club concept has so much potential, yet the execution has frankly been embarrassing, leaving the Munro intros lagging way behind the Alex Cox and Joe Bob Briggs level of movie hosting.
Theatre Macabre
(1971–1972)
Theatre Macabre
9 December 2021
A polish TV series which received some exposure in the UK and America in the early 1970s. The re-edited, English language version of the series appears to have been a 'hands across the water' affair, with the producing side being American, and the Christopher Lee hosted intros and outros, Ron Goodwin theme music and the dubbing representing the UK side. Information suggests the series was shown on late night ITV in 1973 and 1974 but I'm not aware if it was ever repeated. Despite Lee's presence and the Theatre Macabre title, the series doesn't limit itself to horror, with episodes spanning romance, tragedy and bawdy comedy. If you want to skip to the red meat, the horror themed episodes are The Tortures of Hope, The Vampire, The System of Dr Tarr and Professor Fether, Tell-Tale Hearts and The Resurrection of Offland. I've also enjoyed Mateo Falcone, The Husband Under the Bed, Decameron, Markheim, and Pavoncello. I can't tell a lie though, a few episodes of this are a bore, but even when they are a chore to get through, the costumes and polish scenery ensures that Theatre Macabre is always a thing of beauty...as they are fond of saying in highbrow circles..."every shot is suitable for framing, darling"
Bargearse begins
27 July 2021
The feature length pilot episode of the 1970s cop series 'Bluey', the Australian equivalent of pommy TV shows like The Sweeney, Target and The Professionals. As played by stand-up comedian Lucky Grills, Det. Sgt. "Bluey" Hills takes his beer straight from the can, smokes like a chimney, roughs up suspects and sure loves his tucker...is it any wonder Bluey became a cultural icon in his homeland. In the pilot episode, Bluey's investigation into a car bomb that caused the death of a young police officer, brings him into conflict with a Greek nightclub owner, a Jewish clothing manufacturer and even the boy's own father who insists on taking the law into his own hands. While Det Gary Dawson (John Diedrich, the show's eye candy for the sheilas) has a tough first day on the job, after a mix-up between his girlfriend and girlfriend's gay workmate, leads Bluey to think that Dawson 'plays for the other team'.
In the UK, Bluey was used as late night filler by ITV in the late 1970s and early 1980s, before disappearing from view. Back in Australia though the series enjoyed a second lease of life in the 1990s when clips from it -with new comedy re-dubbing- were used in 'The Late Show' a popular Australian sketch show. Renamed 'Bargearse' the 1990s comedy version of the show changes Sgt. Bluey into Sgt. Bargearse, a cop with an unfortunate habit of exposing himself, breaking wind, and the sworn enemy of criminals who steal pizzas and hi-jack shipments of doughnuts. Sadly, both incarnations of the series are difficult to see outside of its home country (there is a DVD release but its only available in Australia and New Zealand).
In the UK, Bluey was used as late night filler by ITV in the late 1970s and early 1980s, before disappearing from view. Back in Australia though the series enjoyed a second lease of life in the 1990s when clips from it -with new comedy re-dubbing- were used in 'The Late Show' a popular Australian sketch show. Renamed 'Bargearse' the 1990s comedy version of the show changes Sgt. Bluey into Sgt. Bargearse, a cop with an unfortunate habit of exposing himself, breaking wind, and the sworn enemy of criminals who steal pizzas and hi-jack shipments of doughnuts. Sadly, both incarnations of the series are difficult to see outside of its home country (there is a DVD release but its only available in Australia and New Zealand).
Snake Eyes, fan film
(2020)
G.I. Perez
8 June 2021
In a sign of US indie cinema emerging from lockdown, here is the latest piece of Shasta County kick-assery from director Rene Perez, he of Death Kiss, the Playing with Dolls series and more recently the controversial and heavily suppressed The Insurrection. This time its a non-profit, available for free on YouTube, fan film based on G. I. Joe. A franchise I have to admit to having no real history with, aside from catching one of the Hollywood adaptations a few years ago...the one with The Rock in...which I recall being a confusing mess of ego and CGI crash, bang wallop. In comparison the Perez take on G. I. Joe is quite coherent and accessible. Even if you are not au fait with G. I. Joe though, Snake Eyes is actually an ideal primer into what Perez's brand of cinema is all about. Namely a guy in a cool ninja outfit taking on dozens of goons, the utilization of real life martial artists, female eye candy, and extreme gore mixed with old fashioned gallantry (our hero thinks nothing of smashing in other men's skulls or blowing away male faces and genitalia, but also sends flowers to his special lady and can't bring himself to punch out a female opponent). Despite the bruising he took for The Insurrection, Snake Eyes also finds Perez in unapologetically boat rocking form, politically. Whereas the pre-pandemic The Insurrection touched a raw nerve by predicting that leftish 'deep state' figures were about to unleash a virus onto the populace, as a means to justify forming a totalitarian government, Snake Eyes takes place after such a plan has been initiated. Making this as much a thematic sequel to The Insurrection as a G. I. Joe homage.
As is par for the course for Perez, Snake Eyes is also an unapologetic love letter to 1980s action cinema, with Perez simultaneously channeling all those Miami Vice era vibes with his soundtrack, composed under his regular alias 'The Darkest Machines'. So, if this 20 minute freebie floats yer boat, be sure to check out his prolific feature film output, with normal service set to resume soon with 'Righteous Blood', a western starring Michael Pare, Emily Whitcomb and frequent Perez collaborator Joseph Camilleri.
As is par for the course for Perez, Snake Eyes is also an unapologetic love letter to 1980s action cinema, with Perez simultaneously channeling all those Miami Vice era vibes with his soundtrack, composed under his regular alias 'The Darkest Machines'. So, if this 20 minute freebie floats yer boat, be sure to check out his prolific feature film output, with normal service set to resume soon with 'Righteous Blood', a western starring Michael Pare, Emily Whitcomb and frequent Perez collaborator Joseph Camilleri.
Demonsoul
(1995)
All Kinds of Everything
23 March 2021
Warning: Spoilers
A fairly rare example of a British SOV horror film from the 1990s (although tellingly it bypassed the UK market). Erica Steele (Kerry Norton) is plagued by nightmares about black masses, vampirism and the mysterious Selena (Eileen Daly). Visits to pervy hypnotherapist Dr Bucher- who uses hypnosis as an excuse to grope female patients- don't help and soon Erica is seeing vampire Selena on the street and having visions of Selena shagging her boyfriend Alex. During one of his touchy feely sessions Bucher discovers that Erica is being controlled by Dana, no, not the Irish singer, rather Selena's long dead lesbian lover of the same name. Dr Bucher M.D (Medical Deviate) attempts to enter into a pact with Dana, even offering his secretary to her as a blood sacrifice. Only for it all to backfire on Bucher when Selena and her hooded followers kidnap him and Alex leading to some light BDSM and spirited blood drinking by leather clad vampires. Demonsoul does have Eileen Daly's sapphic vampire shenanigans going for it, although arguably that shtick was better served by Razor Blade Smile a few years later. Alas, its pretty asleep when she isn't onscreen, with SOV production values making 1990s Britain even more colour drained than usual, then there is some flat supporting actors and echoey sound recording to test your patience. Along the way though there is gore, nudity, kinkiness and a few truly bizarre moments to wake you up like Alex being mobbed by cult members in a park, which apropos of nothing is intercut with shots of a cute l'ttle squirrel going about its business. The editor of The Dark Side magazine also shows up as the head of a lunatic asylum towards the end. Overall the 1990s were an underwhelming era when it came to British horror films, and while Demonsoul isn't afraid to get sleazier than most, I'm not sure it totally succeeded in turning the tide. Still it is sad to discover that the film's director Elisar Cabrera (billed here as Elisar C Kennedy) died recently at the young age of 49.
Cry of the Magpie
(2018)
The House of Mortal Kitsch
19 February 2021
Modern British horror set in 1975 and displaying a jones for all things 1970s. This has been released onto YouTube as a four parter, with each instalment giving the impression of being part of a 1970s TV series that has been unjustly languishing in the vaults for decades. Attention to period detail and its two lead actresses (Sarah Ellis and Brit horror regular Tiffany-Ellen Robinson) are the strong points here. Plot wise, its a spin on that old chestnut "psychologically damaged person gets released into the custody of a relative who may or may not be trying to drive them mad" although there are a few unexpected twists and turns toward the end (the revelation about the male characters that the heroine keeps having visions of, is quite clever). The small cast, isolated location, scheming characters and dated interiors occasionally give off a Michael J Murphy type vibe (who was making this kind of film back when you wouldn't have had to fake that period setting)
Virtual Death Match
(2020)
The unstoppable Louisa Warren
17 January 2021
Louisa Warren, the hardest working woman in modern British horror (16 feature films and counting) gives a low-budget, horror themed spin on Ready Player One (with an eye on the recent Jumanji movies too) with Virtual Death Match, in which several down on their luck peeps enter into a virtual reality world. There -for the delectation of a bunch of jaded, champagne drinking, eurotrash types- they fight against evil nuns, killer scarecrows (Warren really, really loves her killer scarecrows), and a psycho mime and chainsaw wielding clown double act (the latter played by Warren herself). Virtual Death Match (or Virtual Death Day, as the version I saw was called) captures Warren at her most silliest and liveliest. Despite this being one of Warren's longest films- nearly two hours- it is positively hyperactive by her standards, with few dull spots. On the down side the over reliance on CGI gore brings things down a few notches, and hopefully won't become a regular trend in her films, but Warren does demonstrate a far greater flair for action scenes here, which has been a weak spot in some of her earlier films. Characters who initially come across as one dimensional and grating, become surprisingly more endearing, human and understandable as the film progresses, especially when their motives for competing in the death match are revealed. As the venal, back stabbing VR player, Richard Myers makes for a great scumbag though. Tiffany-Ellen Robinson is cute and adorable, and wins your sympathy for the leather boots they've outfitted her in alone, which are clearly causing her problems in all those running around scenes, even Kate Milner Evans' wonky American accent and face pulling are starting to become amusing. Virtual Death Match also gives a feisty, asskicking lead role to Sarah T Cohen, who Brit horror wise has been really knocking it out of the park recently with standout roles in Cupid and Clowndoll/Joker Clown. Maybe on account of this and the upcoming HellKat (in which she plays a character who descends into hell to battle werewolves and demons in MMA matches) she'll become Nu-Brit horror's answer to Gina Carano. If you watch many of the recent British horror films, you'll propably be familiar with Sarah T Cohen, but this is the first film I've seen to show her off in an action heroine capacity, something which I guess will continue over into HellKat, and something she does appear to have a flair for, although if you've only seen her in non-action roles, like playing a pregnant lady in Clowndoll, it does take you aback to see her fighting with nuns here..these are evil nuns...but I suppose nuns being violently beaten up is itself something you don't see in movies everyday. Incidentally the T in Sarah T Cohen apparently stands for Topchik, which does crack me up, I know that technically it's spelt TOPCHIK but on the basis of this and the HellKat trailer she more than earns the name Top Chick.
The Psycho Lover
(1970)
Sexploitation Whodunnit
3 November 2020
Sexploitation whodunnit, in which a stocking masked creep commits a series of rapes and murders...but is the perpetrator the lothario doctor with a younger mistress and a ball busting, drunk wife? Or his patient? A raving misogynist who has been having a little too vivid dreams about the murders? Or the Edgar Allan Poe lookalike police inspector?
Around half way through the film tires of concealing the killer's identity and drops that angle in favour of lifting ideas from The Manchurian Candidate. A bit of pilfering that the filmmakers obviously felt guilty enough about to explicitly acknowledge the Manchurian Candidate influence in the dialogue. Director Robert Vincent O'Neil would soon after be making another sexploitation-noir "Blood Mania" for Crown International, and if anything The Psycho Lover feels like O'Neil's calling card to Crown International. It's very much in their slick, shot in L.A. style, with the rape-murder nastiness sharing the screen with trippy psychedelic flourishes, gyrating bewbs, T&A make-out scenes and romantic strolls around California beaches scored to soft rock songs. The screenwriter's idea of hip dialogue includes nuggets like "your ego hangs between your legs" and "the hairs on my ass stand on end every time I catch his scent". The doctor's flash car is also a sight to behold, and may temporary bamboozle you into thinking that The Psycho Lover is meant to be a futuristic film. The film overflows with so much love for that vehicle every time it's onscreen...you just know it had to be either someone's pride and joy, or that they'd been slipped a generous backhander to plug it in the movie.
Around half way through the film tires of concealing the killer's identity and drops that angle in favour of lifting ideas from The Manchurian Candidate. A bit of pilfering that the filmmakers obviously felt guilty enough about to explicitly acknowledge the Manchurian Candidate influence in the dialogue. Director Robert Vincent O'Neil would soon after be making another sexploitation-noir "Blood Mania" for Crown International, and if anything The Psycho Lover feels like O'Neil's calling card to Crown International. It's very much in their slick, shot in L.A. style, with the rape-murder nastiness sharing the screen with trippy psychedelic flourishes, gyrating bewbs, T&A make-out scenes and romantic strolls around California beaches scored to soft rock songs. The screenwriter's idea of hip dialogue includes nuggets like "your ego hangs between your legs" and "the hairs on my ass stand on end every time I catch his scent". The doctor's flash car is also a sight to behold, and may temporary bamboozle you into thinking that The Psycho Lover is meant to be a futuristic film. The film overflows with so much love for that vehicle every time it's onscreen...you just know it had to be either someone's pride and joy, or that they'd been slipped a generous backhander to plug it in the movie.
The Sitter
(2017)
DarknessWakes
26 October 2020
Warning: Spoilers
Satan's Slave (1976) type vibes abound in this film about Charlotte (Aisling Knight) a skint, sexually repressed student who is offered the job of cat-sitting at a Georgian Manor House for the weekend. Only for this (well paid) dream job to turn into a nightmare when she is bombarded by visions of offering herself sexually to a horny demonic figure. Is she going mad or are the rich, eccentric family who have employed her part of a satanic cult who want to mate her with a demon? Slight spoiler (in order to drum up interest in this one) its the latter as Charlotte comes under attack from both robed satanic cult members and an equally dangerous Christian couple who don't mind killing Charlotte in order to foil the cult's plans. Unusually for a modern day British horror film, there is a fair amount of nudity and sexuality onscreen here, but for once this comes across as being justified and thoughtful rather than gratuitous. The 'sex with the devil' theme here being a clear metaphor for the heroine's fear of entering into a sexual relationship with her pushy boyfriend. Darkness Wakes' sexual content does however seem to have rubbed some of its audience up the wrong way, the IMDb's 'parents guide' section for the film is, as per usual, comedy gold "there is nudity throughout the film. Full blown porno shots and some half back, half front it's all there even full vagina. This shouldn't be a redbox, and if you love your kids at all don't let them see this". Equally entertaining is the IMDb page for the lead actress Aisling Knight, her self-penned bio basically consisting of her trashing the IMDb and regretting having paid £20 a month for a IMDb pro account. She also categorically states that her name is pronounced 'Ash-ling', so despite the nudity she does in the film, don't go calling her Ass-Ling, y'all.
The Stabilizer
(1986)
Rambu First Blood Part 2
24 October 2020
If you're looking for a Saturday Night action fix, give The Stabilizer a call. It's 90 mins of almost non stop stupidity and mayhem featuring the Stallone lookalike from Rambu/The Intruder, and co-starring a man who must surely have won a few Mr T lookalike competitions in his time. Made in Jakarta where stuntmen are cheap and passing lizards are considered a snack.
Hammersmith Is Out
(1972)
HammersmithisOut
21 October 2020
Peter Ustinov's unjustly obscure Burton-Taylor vehicle. A black comedy updating of Faust to 1970s America, in which obnoxious, nose picking hick Billy Breedlove (Beau Bridges) who works at an insane asylum is taken in by the literally devilish inmate Hammersmith (Richard Burton) who promises to make Breedlove "rich and strong, strong and rich" if he releases him from his cell. Now on the run from the law, the pair are joined by a white trash waitress (Liz Taylor) for a satirical road trip across America, where Hammersmith's ability to make good on his promise sees Breedlove transported from stripclub owner, to big business tycoon to political office. As tends to be the case in Burton-Taylor vehicles though, its not long before everyone is miserable, drunk and yelling insults at each other. Being accused by Taylor's character of having a "monkey penis...peanut balls" is but one of many indignities to befall Breedlove as his pursuit of money, lust and power turns sour. Dare you turn Mr Hammersmith loose?
House on Elm Lake
(2017)
HouseonElmLake
18 October 2020
In which a naked old man frequently enters into the body of a younger man, causing problems within the younger man's marriage....a plot description which admittedly doesn't immediately sound like a satanic horror film. House on Elm Lake is actually a remake of an earlier British horror film called Lucifer's Night (2014), whose makers decided to do a second, more moneyed and professional, take on the same material. Its the type of low budget British horror film that tends to turn up on the DVD shelves of supermarkets, usually accompanied by an excitable sleeve quote comparing it to other, better known films, in this case "Nightmare on Elm Street meets Amityville Horror". If anything though The Shining seems to have been a greater influence on House on Elm Lake's story of a couple, Eric and Hayley Jones, who relocate to a universally unwanted remote house by a lake with their young daughter in tow. The reason the house remains universally unwanted is that the previous occupant, Elliot Mandre had murdered his entire family then killed himself during a satanic ritual. Soon after taking up residence, the house's bad mojo takes its toll on the already troubled Eric, who begins pissing blood and under Elliot's evil influence commiting adultery, rape, murder, cannibalism and domestic abuse. Elliot who is essentially an amalgamation of The Shining's Grady and the naked lady in room 237 also makes his own presence felt in the household. Cutting an obscene, sexually threatening figure. Whether he is perched naked on the end of a girl's bed or murdering a family friend by gouging out her eyes. Tony Manders, a former civil servant turned British horror film regular, gives a particularly fearless performance as Elliot Mandre, a role that requires him to be fully naked for the majority of his screen time.
To give an idea of what a small world the current British horror scene is...House on Elm Lake was filmed at the same house as Mother Krampus (2017) which shares at least four cast members with this film, and was recently remade as 'The Candy Witch' by this film's leading lady, Becca Hirani, who also directs and produces films under the name 'Rebecca J Matthews'. At 100 minutes, House on Elm Lake is leisurely paced, but has its rewards for those prepared to stick around. Just don't go in expecting an Evil Dead type ride in the fast lane without any brakes, this is more like a Sunday afternoon drive with your grandparents, albeit one where they end up going insane, taking off all their clothes and gouging out eyeballs.
To give an idea of what a small world the current British horror scene is...House on Elm Lake was filmed at the same house as Mother Krampus (2017) which shares at least four cast members with this film, and was recently remade as 'The Candy Witch' by this film's leading lady, Becca Hirani, who also directs and produces films under the name 'Rebecca J Matthews'. At 100 minutes, House on Elm Lake is leisurely paced, but has its rewards for those prepared to stick around. Just don't go in expecting an Evil Dead type ride in the fast lane without any brakes, this is more like a Sunday afternoon drive with your grandparents, albeit one where they end up going insane, taking off all their clothes and gouging out eyeballs.
AmityvilleWitches
17 October 2020
As if Suspiria was remade as a CBBC show, if you can imagine such a thing. The material often suggests this would have worked better as comedic romp rather than a straight horror film. Aside from the odd throat slashing, the genre elements here are notably less intense than the director's earlier films Pet Graveyard and The Candy Witch. It's a slight but not unlikable film, the actresses playing the white witches are a particularly charismatic trio.
The Girls from Thunder Strip
(1970)
Everyone's talkin' about moonshine, y'all
15 October 2020
Three, tough talkin', barefooted, moonshiner sisters go on the run from the law after springing one of their number from the local jail, and unwisely allow three murderous bikers to escape with them... in a film that has its eye on the biker genre and its hand up the skirt of hickploitation. Despite director David L Hewitt, having form in the biker genre, helming The Tormentors and Hells Chosen Few, the greater allegiance here is towards all things country, y'all. The Girls from Thunder Strip might well be Hewitt's most enjoyable film, although given that we're talking about the man who brought The Mighty Gorga, The Lucifer Complex and Gallery of Horror into this world, the competition isn't exactly what you'd call stiff. A more tonally uneven movie you're never likely to meet. Good time humour, cartoonish sight gags and cheery banjo music go hand in hand with offscreen rape and onscreen, cold blooded murder as the film can't seem to decide if it wants to be another Satan's Sadists or a prototype for The Dukes of Hazzard. The cast is equally schizophrenic, featuring the sons of famous people (Jody McCrea, Lindsay Crosby) exploitation vets (Gary Kent, Bruce Kimball, William Bonner) and Casey 'voice of Shaggy' Kasem as an uptight out of towner who gets his pants blown off....Zoinks!!!
Anime perse
(2006 Video)
TheJail
13 October 2020
You gotta hand it to Bruno Mattei, when it came to WIP films that dude sure knew how to deliver the goods.
Out of all those latter day Mattei films this is by far the most extreme of the bunch. It's parade of full frontal nudity, rape, BDSM and gore serves to remind you just how spineless and watered down the faux-grindhouse movies that started to appear soon after really were. Pity then that the exaggerated acting and cheap, digital video look tends to give The Jail: Women's Hell the appearance of a day time soap opera rather than something from 42nd street's heyday.
Out of all those latter day Mattei films this is by far the most extreme of the bunch. It's parade of full frontal nudity, rape, BDSM and gore serves to remind you just how spineless and watered down the faux-grindhouse movies that started to appear soon after really were. Pity then that the exaggerated acting and cheap, digital video look tends to give The Jail: Women's Hell the appearance of a day time soap opera rather than something from 42nd street's heyday.
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