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Reviews
The Home Teachers (2004)
strike 3
[Possible Spoilers] I could list all of the problems for this movie in the Goofs section, but I don't think IMDB.com has enough hard disk space to store the terabytes of text it would take. Like the RM, I took my wife to see this movie on the night it started. We wanted to see Big Fish, but we had just missed the showing, so we decided to give Home Teachers a try.
The first 10 minutes was absolutely hilarious. The situational comedy of counting the seconds to get out of a boring Elder's Quorum Meeting about Home Teaching that drags on and on made me laugh harder and longer than I have in a very long time. It makes me chuckle just recalling it. Kurt Hale, you earned your $5 for that one. But as soon as the movie starts spewing out one slap stick dud after another and the story becomes ridiculously and even insulting stupid and unrealistic the whole experience just gets flushed down the toilet along with the protagonist.
I thought Michael Birkeland gave a good performance, but I think we all agree that we are all getting tired of seeing the same actors from The Singles Ward get regurgitated into LDS comedic cinema. There are many talented LDS actors around and it's time to see some new faces.
The story was good intentioned but I ended up very disappointed and unsatisfied. I know it's hard to consistently come up with good material, but you have absolutely no excuse for the horrible editing job, plot holes, and obvious mistakes.
I looked up the time it takes to drive from Salt Lake to Vernal and it is indeed 3 hours one way. We know he got out of church at noon, brother Nelson came over at 12:15, it took him 18 minutes to fix the flat tire and a half hour to visit the two families. So the very earliest he could have left Salt Lake is 1 pm. If they drove strait to vernal and back they would have gotten back at 7 pm.
But way too many things happened to all fit in one day. Before they even arrived in Vernal you could tell the sun was going down, but they got back to Salt Lake as the sun was as bright as at noontime. Also why did the Cop tell them to wait till Monday to call his towing friend and then drive them all the way back? Do you understand how insulting this kind of stuff is to those who love truth?
I can only assume that the other obvious mistakes were done intentionally as some sort of bizarre inside joke. Like when they were driving back with the deer head in the car, one scene it was in the front seat, next in the back, then in the front after only 3 seconds of continuous conversation. And after the car crashed the shadow of the boom came in and out of the bottom left corner several times. If these kinds of things were intentionally put in the film it was a really bad idea as it was very distracting and made it all look very unprofessional and unfunny. Kurt you really have no excuse for missing easy things like this. The product placement advertisements weren't as obvious as they were for the RM, but still very plentiful. I guess Cream O' Weber, Ken Garff, UtahWeddings.com, Maverick, Red Bull, etc. paid you guys big bucks. Well you are going to need that money since the Box Office isn't going to turn a profit.
I saw that you tried to put in a good message at the end, but the endless slap stick and horrible Gnome giggle that was interwoven throughout was just too incompatible to introduce a spiritual message. The modified hymns just did not fit in at all this time, but I guess you don't care since you just want to make money off the CD.
It is time to put much more time and effort into a truly inspiring LDS comedy. Take your time, do it right. If you're not up to it, then don't bother as it only disappoints your Audience and discourages the truly gifted LDS filmmakers from trying and scares away the investors.
Cut out the slap stick and focus on situational comedy. As I said before and you didn't listen `*Every intention should be to uplift, entertain, and teach. If you are just out to capitalize off the saints, as most of your sponsors are, you will fail.*'
The R.M. (2003)
Bomb
To start, I would like to say that I believe in supporting the movies made particularly for the LDS audience. Not that they have all been be that spectacular, but that we need to establish this genre so that future filmmakers will be encouraged to make them.
However, I cannot give The R.M. a good review and if these LDS movies continue to be made this poorly, the market will quickly end. This said, I do congratulate the Hale family for trying, which I hope they will continue to do, but in the future they need to come up with better material.
Being an RM myself, I greatly anticipated this movie. I hoped that I would be able to relate to Jared and find the similarities amusing and yet reminiscent of the spiritual good that I was able to do when I got home. However, I related much more to The Singles Ward.
Why this movie did not work: 1. The acting was marginal to poor. None of the performances were very believable and everyone seemed so stiff. I saw the boom in at least one scene and the cinematography was pretty cheesy.
2. The jokes were somewhat funny in some places, but overdone in too many others like beating a dead horse. It's one thing to have bump on your head, but all those disgusting boils? And in the wedding line the brother kept smelling the stinky jacket, after six times that's enough already!
3. The romance scenes were painfully awkward to watch, not from portraying a fresh RM's unacquaintance with dating, but poor acting and absolutely no chemistry between the two actors, who really aren't all that attractive.
4. There was a lot of plot but no story. What did Jared accomplish? Nothing! He got home, had some disappointments, was acquitted of a crime he came no where close of committing and gave a talk, big deal. He could have at least inspired his friend to clean up his life and go on a mission, or turned his quorum around with the spirituality he learned while serving, but no, he got home and was no better than if he had never gone at all.
5. The movie was doctrinally and legally incorrect. Elders home teach elders, not high priests, and driving a car when someone gave you the keys is not grand theft auto etc. etc.
6. Worst of all-the dang advertisements! I understand that making a movie is expensive. But it can be done without spending money if you have a good story. Take My Big Fat Greek Wedding, the only ad was for Windex, and they made hundreds of millions of dollars on the story alone. You went way overboard on this one, and then to make it as though it's a big joke by going on and on about Utahsingles.com? Not funny, just annoying.
Future LDS movies need to be written more intelligently. It's ok to poke a little fun at all of our idiosyncrasies, but there needs to be a good story underlying it all that's uplifting. Not just `I guess I have gotten a few blessings'.
*Every intention should be to uplift, entertain, and teach. If you are just out to capitalize off the saints, as most of your sponsors are, you will fail.*
The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (2002)
Boring
I am one who has never read more than just The Hobbit. I really enjoyed LOTR 1 because it was truly interesting. There was character development, and a rather good introduction that helped you understand what was going on. You cared about the adventurers and felt the emotions they did as they escaped perilous circumstances.
However, this movie was extremely boring and hard to follow. Many new characters were introduced, with no character development. I don't even remember the names of the people from the first one, and they continuously rattled off all these new names, when we had no idea who they were, or why we cared about them.
We had no idea why Gandalf was so interested to help a King whose subjects were a bunch of poor dirty-faced peasants. There were too many groups of men wandering around, and no attempt was made to establish who they were and why we should hate or love them.
I kept waiting for it to get good and it was only mildly entertaining, maybe 20 minutes in 3 hours. They could have easily made it in 2 hours.
Gollum was extremely annoying to watch. He reminded me of Dobby in Harry Potter, and was as annoying as Jar Jar Binks. Seeing him beat and chained was also extremely abusive and hard to watch.
The main characters were obviously distracted in this movie and did not give as good of performances as they did in the first and as they will in the 3rd.
Star Trek: Nemesis (2002)
Finally a movie for Trekkies that's as good as the series
[Contains Indirect Spoilers]
I was an avid Star Trek TNG watcher in the 90's. Although not an extreme Trekkie by any means, I have been known to show up to the Star Trek movies on opening night. Generally though, I have been very much disappointed by the movies, as they have historically spent too much time on special effects and not enough time on a story that was as good as the TV series. I have also been annoyed by the story writers unwillingness to alter the main storyline and chronology of the Star Trek story by going back in time or another dimension to not interfere with the ultimate destination of where it's all going (kind of like the Simpson's Halloween Specials).
Anyhow this movie was different in that it was very intense and emotional and I enjoyed it as much as the best TV episodes because it wasn't afraid to make changes in the Star Trek story. However, since it's almost impossible to get my complaints about the plot holes published in the Goofs section, I will make note of them here.
[Warning
It's time for the Spoilers]
Annoying Plot Holes: 1. One of the first scenes involves an important woman Romulan who kills everyone in some kind of senate meeting. Perhaps to show the power of the new weapon, or prove loyalty to the antagonist, the scene seemed otherwise out-of-place and was totally inconsistent with how good and moral the Romulan woman became in later scenes. 2. The antagonist and friends were di-lithium miners who spent their days in torture and hard labor. Yet they were somehow able to build a ship that was superior to Romulan and Star Fleet technology. When or how they had time for R&D to build such a thing was not only not explained, but impossible to happen if they tried. 3. The miners got a hold of an extremely rare beta version of data-not likely 4. The antagonist would not let the Romulan refer to herself as a woman, but he referred to his alien viceroy as a man 5. The antagonist was obsessed with seeing Councilor Troy, his first glace of a woman, which he never encountered tracking down B-4, and who did not look that much different from the Romulans. 6. The motive, reason and need for the telepathic rape besides being useful to find the cloaked ship later, escapes me.
Anyhow, it seemed they shot a lot of scenes with the intention of going another direction, and changed their minds towards the end. 7/10
Men in Black II (2002)
Waste of Time
Spoilers!! I can scarcely describe how terribly poor and disappointing is Men in Black II. The actors should be extremely ashamed for having toured every talk show to promote such waste of otherwise impressive talent. The film seemed to be have been written to entertain four year olds as it contained ridiculous slapstick and endless loopholes that were extremely irritating and made the audience not only wish for a refund but to be generously monetarily compensated for being witness to worst film since Scooby Doo.
As irritating as the lack of humor were the scenes that made little if no sense. Among others were: 1. The video from the low budget science show. How did they get the story? And why didn't Agent K. get the original file that the video was based on to read, instead of relying on a low budget reproduction. 2. The size of the space ship. The ship that the evil medusa alien used was quite large in the video rendition and in Agent K's memory, yet when it crash landed, it was four inches high. 3. The deneuralizer/Blue Flush. These scenes made completely no sense. The aliens were allowed access to top secret information, the terminal was on the same circuit breaker as the deneuralizer, the reason for the blue flush was not explained, why it flushed them past everybody and ended up on the streets New York-so much for top security. And why the device could bring back memory from Agent J's neuralizer but not Agent K's.
4. Get a gun and Shoot. Why could the bad red-haired alien have so much hate for Agent J, insomuch that he was willing to build or procure two ships for free just have the chance to kill him, and then just fly around with his little clone ships to smack J in the face when he could have taken care of him with one bullet.? Also-with so many powerful guns around, why didn't Agents J and K use the big one to begin with instead of letting the medusa get away so often?
Anyhow, the entire film was crap and the more I think about how pitifully unrealistic it was and unfunny and unentertaining, the angrier I get. 1/10
The Singles Ward (2002)
Not bad for heirs of Happy Valley
I went in expecting the movie to be completely dumb. With such a low expectation, any form of entertainment would be a pleasant surprise. The soundtrack was the best part of the movie, but poking fun at the nonsense that goes on in singles wards was also amusing.
This said, there were many things about The Singles Ward that were completely annoying. The entire film was poorly dubbed and made watching mouths while listening to their voices very irritating. This lack of professionalism was surpassed only by the cameos of Mormon celebrities who have no business acting.
This film will do well among Mormondom, especially in college communities where singles ward exist. However the conclusion will offer no hope for the poor losers who find themselves unmarried. (Only the pretty girls in the Singles Ward get married, the fat, ugly ones don't, but all the ugly men do) Ultimately we realize that the whole film was an advertisement for LDSSingles.com
The Patriot (2000)
This is what I thought
I saw the Patriot upon the recommendation of my dad who told me about it with great enthusiasm. It started out really well as the scenes instilled within me a great sense of patriotism and gratitude for the brave men who fought for our freedom. The first fight scene with Mel Gibson's character and his three sons was excellent and I really got into it. However, as soon as the 18-year-old son goes to the church to find militiamen and they are inspired only by a girl (not patriotism or love of freedom), the film got very poor and pleased only the simple minded. The feelings of patriotism never returned and I felt let down by the lack of historical accuracy as the scenes were watered down by political correctness and as the soldiers quoted lines from the constitution and Gettysburg address, documents they had never read. This film will only please simpleminded Americans, not by the true red-blooded American heroes that fought to make our country the best in the world.