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Paparazzi
Paparazzi (2004)
4/10
Heavy-handed propaganda from Hollywood
5 September 2004
This movie is about as subtle as a Cold-War-era movie about how evil the Commies are. Hollywood obviously has an ax to grind against paparazzi, and they come across here as the slimiest people to walk the face of the earth, people who will do anything and hurt anyone just for a photo... even continuing the miserable, dangerous work despite winning a fortune in lawsuits against actors he's deliberately provoked into assaulting him. One of them is so low that even the legal professional kicked him out. They rape, they use illegal weapons, they have foreign accents, they blackmail, they kill without remorse... about all that was missing was the accusation that they worship Lucifer and participated in the attacks of 9/11.

I'm no fan of tabloid photographers, but I found this rather paranoid exaggeration of them hard to swallow, and the contrast with the wholesome new leading man who's forced to go vigilante to protect his injured loving wife and impossibly adorable comatose little boy, was pretty forced. The bottom line isn't whether I agree with the point of view of the producers. Blatant propaganda makes for poor entertainment, and that's what this is.
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The Chronicles of Riddick
The Chronicles of Riddick (2004)
3/10
Somewhere there's a 14-year-old boy missing his spiral-bound notebook.
11 June 2004
He's a somewhat imaginative lad, and maybe someday he'll come up with a story that's quite clever and original. But so far his notebook - which fell into the hands of the producers of The Chronicles of Riddick - is full of derivative cliches that an adolescent might think are the makings of an epic... but lack any of the depth or characterisation needed to appeal to a thinking adult.

The script is loaded with "ideas" as shallow as their names: the "necromongers" who worship this "underverse", lead by "Lord Marshal", and the only one who can stand up to them is the last surviving "Furian", who (for some reason) goes to the prison planet "Crematoria". Not that there's anything wrong with cool-sounding names ("Darth Vader", "Shadowfax", "Excalibur", and "Argonauts" are all evocative names), but they're not enough in themselves. Riddick himself is a non-character, and the deadpan quips that substitute for his dialog seem to invite a letter from Gov. Schwartzenegger's patent attorney.

And speaking of attorneys: Judi Dench needs to sue her agent, for whatever malpractise got her signed to do this film.
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The Day After Tomorrow
The Day After Tomorrow (2004)
4/10
Reaffirms my faith in the stupidity of humankind
28 May 2004
Warning: Spoilers
This movie does wonders to reaffirm one's faith in the stupidity of humankind. I'm not referring to the movie's "message" about how politicians are ignoring the dangers of upsetting the delicate balance of our global climate. I'm talking about the stupidity of every character in the movie, including the "smart" ones. And the stupidity of the people who'll tell you how great the movie is.

Even if you accept the rather improbable notion that a phenomenon that only a few people on the planet understand is capable of producing the effects described in the film in a matter of days, it's still full of stuff that's impossible to swallow... unless you figure that everyone involved is an idiot. (spoilers ahead!) Even an LA tourist would have the sense to go for cover when a tornado is bearing down on them. The government of Mexico wouldn't even think about closing their border to a wave of refugees sent by the government of their militarily-superior neighbor to the north. The President of the US wouldn't be the last one to evacuate DC; as a matter of national security he'd be among the first. And so on.

I recommend renting the DVD, fast-forwarding through all the parts with human actors, and admiring the disaster scenes. The rest of the movie is a disaster as well, but not as entertaining to look at as the HOLLYWOOD sign being ripped apart or the Statue of Liberty going wading.
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Gothika
Gothika (2003)
4/10
Don't expect drama or suspense; it' just another Boo! movie
21 November 2003
The premise is explained well enough in the previews: Halle Berry is a prison psychologist who - after a strange incident driving home, in which she apparently sees a ghost - wakes up to find herself on the other side of the glass walls, apparently insane and guilty of murdering her husband. Robert Downey Jr. is her (now former) colleague and perhaps her only hope.

But the whole situation is handled so implausibly. Not only do they dump her into the prison population with her not-necessarily-appreciative patients, but nearly every co-worker suddenly treats her like just another nutcase, not a person they used to work with on a daily basis. Maybe the point was to show how people's attitudes change about someone who's "crazy", but people don't just change like that. At the least they wallow in denial, refusing to believe it for a while.

On top of this implausibly forced "characterisation" is a lot of equally tired cinematic hack work. It's a Dark and Stormy Night. The power keeps going out at inopportune times. The creepy blue lighting flickers a lot. And instead of letting the anxiety of the situation create tension, there's lots of rising-pitch background music to put you on edge, and people/things popping out of the dark to startle you. You know you're watching a bad movie when you have people laughing at this stuff.
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Deuces Wild
Deuces Wild (2002)
3/10
Cliches Wild
3 May 2002
Imagine every stereotypical, overacted cliche from every movie and TV show set on the streets of Brooklyn between 1930 and 1980. Populate it with a cast of interchangeable caricatures instead of actual characters. Throw in a mix of "period" music and wailing electric guitars during the "rumble" scenes. Then pass the time trying to figure out (or care) which of the Deuces is going to be killed in the (anti)climactic final rumble.

I'll give this movie points for not being just another romantic comedy, teen slasher, explosive action movie, teen sex comedy, kiddie musical, or Oscar-nomination vehicle. But bringing something new or interesting to the street-gang tragedy genre might've been nice.
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Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1992)
8/10
The original, =fun= Buffy
2 April 2001
If you're looking for the early adventures of the character from the TV show, this isn't that. This was the tongue-in-cheek original concept of the character, before it got reworked into the takes-itself-too-serious TV series.
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