Reviews

That this is a "serious" Jackie Chan movie does not at all stop it being hilarious. The plot has several twists (so many I have no idea what the movie was supposed to be about) and they all exist for one reason: more fight scenes! our movie needs more fight scenes!! it does not matter who is in the scene, invent a reason for them to fight!!

Toss in some seriously bad foley, a "deaf" character who can obviously hear, a little... familiar... incidental music, and some monks whose ultimate technique is to make a moderately loud noise, and it's really no wonder that the subtitling is so shoddily done.

The "Stormy Mountain" theme song is a real gem. Make up your own verses and sing along!

How about "at least it's not Alien^3"? It's dumb, pointless, and boring; Ripley-the-machine is monumentally disappointing; but the script has a vocabulary of at least five words, four up from the third in the series.

But really... stop at "Aliens" while you're ahead.

"Pod People" makes me laugh. I admit it. The clumsy dubbing, the hilariously bad song, the many many MANY characters, the 'magic' stop-motion wackiness of Trumpy.

But make no mistake -- it is bad. It is quite bad. I think it is actually the result of an unauthorized mating between "E.T." and "Halloween"... with serious genetic defects.

In the opening credits, the actors battle some weird green monsters completely unlike anything appearing in the actual MOVIE. What the heck!?

It's kind of a trucker-ape-cracker-fighting thing with... guys in bad wigs... uh... hmm. Well, it gets awfully corny and stupid awfully often, but... somehow it's fun. I'm not sure whether I was laughing with it or at it, but it did make me laugh.

Besides, Clint Eastwood has a delicious voice.

It's already more or less been said. This is a profoundly moving, very powerful film. It doesn't pull punches or resort to traditional Hollywoodisms. Very honestly disgusting and terrifying every time it sets out to be, and otherwise just honest. Strange, but _real_.

My personal favorite scene is the confrontation with Mike.

However, the entirely happy ending left me feeling a little empty. An emotional relief, but... I suppose it felt as if the movie backed out and pulled the final blow which would have had me hiding under my bed for the rest of time. Disappointing. But make no mistake: the ending was _nice_. And before it, the film was incredible.

Want to hear the BeeGees? Want to see John Travolta, back when he had good hair, cavorting around in spandex? Want to cheerfully forget that this's supposed to be a sequel to "Saturday Night Fever," give your gray matter a rest, or maybe get some paperwork done while there's noise in the background? This's your movie, love.

"Staying Alive" is your don't-think-about-it mediocre lot of celluloid with sexy Travolta dancing sort of vehicle. For that, I was sufficiently entertained (and got my paperwork done). To try and compare it to the first film is to do oneself harm, but on its own, "Staying Alive" skips amiably by; reasonably fun, occasionally moronic, please ignore poor Frank Stallone, get your daily dose of "that wasn't supposed to be funny" giggles, and nobody comes off the worse.

Squirm is undoubtedly one of the better movies to have been featured on MST3k. Although it does make a good movie to make fun of, by no means is it awful. (And given the chance, I would be interested in seeing the uncut version)

There are some loose ends, cliches, and problems (the way the "sea" of worms convulses can look pretty silly, and how did Alma breathe in there?), but the worms are pretty genuinely repulsive. The film isn't exactly spine-chilling, but it's gross and creepy, and that's better than a lot of horror vehicles manage. The overall atmosphere is well-created, and most of the actors are good at their characters.

The singular largest problem is our hero Mick. Mick makes me want to not blame the South for seceeding. Mick is an obnoxious, know-all, whiny, and very nasal Yank. He's not really appealing or interesting in any way, and so, grates quite a bit as a protagonist. Geri please, you're too good for him.

Still, Squirm is an interesting, little movie that's worth a look, if you like interesting little movies about killer worms.

I hate this movie. I HATE this movie. It's wanting to be the worst movie I've ever seen, and I've seen a lot of bad movies. "Red Zone Cuba" stands out because it is wrong in absolutely every way. It is so boring it causes actual physical pain... but at the same time, it's utterly incoherent. The dialogue is completely inane, delivered in mumbling monotones. Did I mention nothing makes any sense? No scene leads to another. Nothing is relevant to anything else. None of the characters define themselves in any way. And nothing (with the exception of "I'm Cherokee Jack!") is goofy enough to wring any enjoyment out of this dreary sludge. I can't convey how incredibly BAD this film is. There is literally NO REASON, none at all, that anyone should ever watch this movie... ever. None.

So, ah, imagine "Star Wars," only with as much Japanese-brand weirdness as is at all possible, dubbed by chimps and involving not only the wackiest costumes I've ever seen but magic, glowing walnuts. I don't have to tell you this is the best movie ever made. There's a witty robot, a wormy guy in a glittery jacket and very orange shirt, two guys in disco spacesuits, a plucky girl, some people who wear leaf-wreaths and lucky Vic Morrow in a kind of Captain Harlock get-up. The bad guys seem to be the children of Stormtroopers and the Wicked Witch of the West's soldiers. Oh... and there's a scene where the protagonists swim around on ropes catching SPACE FIREFLIES. In all sincerity, "Uchuu Kara no Message" is more fun than a barrel full of magic walnuts. If you're into that, I mean.

So there's an old security guard and a guy who dies and then there's KEVIN, the world's biggest wuss. Kevin wants to impress his incredibly insensitive, bratty, and virginal girlfriend AMY. As he returns from work to... a random house... he finds his "friends," the sexually confusing red-shorted KYLE and the truly revolting sluttish DAPHNE. They are soon joined by Daphne's boyfriend, the trigger-happy sex-crazed macho lunkhead NICK. And there's the title creatures, horrid little dogeared puppets who kill people by giving them their heart's desire. Kyle's heart's desire is to mate with a creepy, yucky woman in spandex. Nick's heart's desire is to throw grenades in a grade school cafeteria-- I mean nightclub. Kevin's heart's desire is to beat up a skinny thug with nunchucks. Amy's heart's desire is to be a disgusting slut. Daphne's already a disgusting slut, so she doesn't have a heart's desire. Along the way a truly hideous band sings a truly odd song. The hobgoblins randomly go back to where they came from then blow up. "Citizen Kane" cannot hold a candle to this true masterpiece of American cinema.

Ah, a film that manages to make "Hobgoblins"' Club Scum look dirty and "Space Mutiny"'s endless railings look like a real spaceship. A film that had me running to propose marriage to "Manos: The Hands of Fate." I give you "Future Wars"-- where it's not the future and there's no war, but it doesn't really matter.

It's all about the world's least convincing hooker-turned-nun and a houseful of huge guys. Then there's this human-alien-Peacemaker-rip-off guy FROM THE FUTURE where humans are slaves because they have hands and Earth is heaven. How did he get here? It doesn't matter. Then there's some plastic dinosaur puppets "stolen from Earth's past" who explode when they die. Why? It doesn't matter. People ride trains to nowhere and box kick... kick box... whatever. Then there's the world's least convincing street gang and a guy with a really fake camera and the gub'ment arrests the alien (Why? It doesn't matter) and some more boxes, while people quote the Bible at seeming random. Then the pseudo-nun is going to take her final vows in a really BIG cardboard box, only a guy shows up and the alien fights him until his shirt is mortally injured and he fulfills his destiny... or not. It's all glued together by an audio track recorded underwater in 1956 and consisting mostly of lame synth'd noises and random voiceovers. I hate life.

Torgo come back, I love you!