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Reviews
White Chicks (2004)
Made Me Sick to my Stomach
It's just so difficult to wrap your head around how gut-wrenchingly atrocious this thing is. Imagine being trapped in your worst nightmare for almost two hours and you have some vague idea of what it's like to sit through this pile of trash.
It's just so inept and meaningless. When a film can't justify it's own existence, then you're better of just burning the negative and pretending it never happened. It doesn't generate a single laugh (except out of sheer embarrassment for the actors) and there's zero social commentary because every character is such a poorly written cliché that you can't get past how over-the-top they are.
No one seems to be enjoying what they're doing, the editing is atrocious, all attempts at humor rely solely on the lowest possible juvenile sensibilities and the plot conceit is so entirely implausible that this film just defines 'bomb. Really, it's that bad. I was forced to watch this (for a girl, of course) and still can't believe my eyes. I really want to vomit.
ANYONE who claims to like it, or find this a guilty pleasure, should crawl out of the wall they live in and see at least one more movie. If you think this is tolerable, then pretty much ANY other film ever made (no matter what it is) will seem like a magical masterpiece sent straight from heaven.
Night Patrol (1984)
A horrible movie whose audience is too young to watch it
I rented this movie more than 10 years ago when I was in my very early teens. It's loaded with juvenile sex, gas and lesbian jokes. It also had so much gratuitous nudity that I often watched it for no other reason than to stare at the bodacious breasts. I LOVED IT!! Too bad I decided to give it another viewing a few years back. JEEZ was I a stupid kid. In fact, I couldn't even sit through it again and the below review is from my childhood memory of this disaster caught on celluloid. Remarkable, how age completely alters perception.
Not that it matters, but the plot (if you could call it that) involves a stupid masked ('Unknown') comic running around robbing convenience stores, subjecting his victims and the audience to a barrage of horrible jokes. For reasons that become clear at the movie's 'twist ending', a certain police officer becomes interested in catching the masked madman. Into this mess, throw Pat Morita as a girl-voiced sex-crime victim forced to abuse himself repeatedly to amuse a gang of lesbians, women repeatedly coming under a bizarre spell causing them to spontaneously remove their shirts, Bill Barty walking around releasing enough gas to inflate the Hindenberg and 'The Unknown Comic' gaining enormous popularity, despite telling worse jokes than Jackie Martling.
A lot of nonsense happens, all supposedly related to the police investigation of the masked thief's crime spree. It all comes together in the end when we learn the 'Unknown Comic's' true identity and the leads fall in love and have sex (giving us a glimpse of Linda Blaire's ample bosom).
Still interested? Then keep in mind that this movie is shot in such an amateurish manner, you'll swear the cinematographer was either blind, or couldn't bare to watch what he was filming. Further, the dialogue is so inane, you'll be scrambling for a knife to cut your ears off.
In the end? Avoid at all costs, unless you are 12. However, if you want your girlfriend to leave you, I suggest you rent this movie, tell her you saw it just before you met her and you know she'll love it.