SoutheastUK's Reviews

Good Omens (2019– )

1/10

Second rate, unfunny and watered down. Good Omens 2 is as awful as Good Omens 1 was brilliant. Such a shame. Very disappointing.

31 July 2023

Good Omens 1 was great. It was clever, very well acted and very very funny. I would go as far as to say, it was exceptional.

Whatever the hell went wrong in the writing and the casting for Good Omens 2 should have been picked up long before it blighted our screens.

What passes for humour in the second instalment misses the mark every single time. It doesn't help that the writers cast the least funny actors available this time around and whereas the focus before was on playing the two leads off against one another, they appear to have stretched an obviously limited budget for the sole purpose of shoe-horning as many second rate actors in as possible.

The net effect is a very watered down, lacklustre, unfunny and not very entertaining show at all.

What is it about some writers that they just cannot hold it together for longer than one season?! It's not as if it was a hard thing to do: they already had a winning formula, but some people just cannot help trying to "fix" things that weren't broken to begin with,

I was looking forward to Good Omens 2 and I couldn't stomach watching it all the way through; it was already tedious halfway through episode 1 and eye-rolling with it's virtue signalling. Nauseating I would say.

Avoid.

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Star Trek: Discovery (2017–2024)

1/10

This *was* exceptional, then they got greedy and screwed their fans.

21 November 2021

I liked everything about Discovery.

Bearing in mind that I rarely have time to watch TV (an hour or two a month, usually), if I choose to spend that time watching a show, it's because I'm invested or at the very least, find it quite entertaining.

I liked the diversity, the frankness and the real human interactions. I loved that they embraced so many cultures and social groups, even if at times it seemed quite "preachy". I loved that one of my best friends - a trans woman - finally feels represented in mainstream TV.

But most of all, I really enjoyed the storylines.

But the decision to remove Discovery from Netflix and move it to paramount, requiring us to sign up to yet another subscription service, was a bare-faced, greedy, cynical and manipulative cash grab too far. It was a very American thing to do: upset people around the world out of greed and thoughtlessness.

Consequently, this is the point that Discovery and I part company. Hey ho, I think I'll invest in a European show next time round, as the Europeans don't tend to pull this kind of stupid stunt.

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Tales from the Loop (2020)

3/10

Horribly depressing guff.

27 June 2021

I sincerely pity the writer, given that this work must surely reflect a stark, bleak state of mind.

There is no point attempting to find any real meaning or cohesion in Tales from the Loop, let alone any explanation for the seemingly random events cobbled together in what can only be described as a pretentious and self indulgent fashion.

Tales is very much trying to be art, but art for arts sake. It meanders and drags it's heels at an infuriating pace and the few interesting concepts it shoehorns in, have all been done before, many times, much better, by far more talented people. Tales doesn't pursue these concepts, so a viewer is left feeling confused, irritated and unsatisfied when a thread begins and - ultimately - leeds nowhere.

There are some good points, however. The acting is - without exception - perfect. The actors from Tales could carry any half decent story, effortlessly. This is very much a case of the story failing the storytellers.

The photography is exceptional too. Unfortunately, these things just cannot make up for what is - when all is said and done - pointless, depressing guff.

Not recommended, with a single caveat: good as a showcase for the actors involved. I will be keeping my eye out for these actors in future movies and TV shows.

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Bird Box (2018)

5/10

Overwhelmed, whelmed and then underwhelmed all in the same movie...

10 May 2021

I had an entire evening off, so I settled down to catch up on some paperwork and put the TV on for some background noise.

When I saw Bird Box on Netflix, I remembered that I had wanted to see it, when it came out. So I put it on.

To say that this movie is "gripping" would be an understatement. I ended up ditching my paperwork, I was so engrossed.

The movie is excellent for the most part. Well written. Brillilant acting (across the board) and edge of the seat stuff, with no gratuitous sex or violence in sight.

However....

I have two big problems with it.

1 - It is beyond a cliche at this point to make the "bad guy" British. We get it already. 70 Million Americans already demonstrated that they think an orange lunatic who can't string a sentence together properly is some sort of demigod, so anyone that can speak without sounding like trailer trash is inevitably going to be evil. But Hollywood is supposed to be doing better at dealing with stereotypes and is - instead - continually reinforcing them.

2 - The antagonists in the movie are only ever "seen" through the insane scribblings of one of their victims. The movie ends without telling us anything about the monsters, except that they kill people. It was a very unsatisfying ending and - frankly - smacked of laziness. Intrigue is not the net result of failing to tell an audience ANYTHING about the main plot device, disappointment is.

Given the quality of the movie, had it given us more about the motives, origin and intentions of the creatures, it would be a 10 across the board. But this failing actually almost completely ruined the movie altogether.

Would I watch it again? No. I'd feel that my time had been wasted.

Would I recommend it? Not to anyone intelligent. They'd likely feel that their time had been wasted, too.

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Westworld (2016–2022)

1/10

Forgettable experiment in massively excessive gender politics fluff

5 May 2021

The first season was outstanding. Exceptional even.

But it went south very quickly from there onwards and by season three, I found myself actually trying to force myself to watch it, just so that I could say I gave it a chance.

Alas, I didn't make it to the end of season 3.

The main protagonists are unintentionally wooden, unlikeable and surplus to requirements.

The story is a convoluted mess that - had it been a book - would have ended up in the trash.

The action sequences are jilted and contain so many jump shots - clearly trying to make up for the actors lack of believable combat moves - that they are so jarring, I actually started fast-forward winding through the "action" sequences.

There is no risk to the "lead" characters because every soldier is male and for some inexplicable reason, can't shoot, despite presumably being trained to do so.

The fact is that elevating one group to Mary Sues at the expense of another and doing so, so artifically, makes for a terrible experience that feels more like the rant on a 1 ton female gender studies students twitter account.

What is most telling is the contrast from season 1, which was sophisticated and intriguing to this rather tawdry attempt at "wokeness".

As a paying customer - and as someone that has campaigned for equal rights for women, people of colour, transgender people and the less fortunate for my entire life - even I am getting utterly sick and tired of this identity politics being shoved in my face during my recreation time. It isn't subtle, clever, appropriate or fun. And if the point the morons writing this stuff are trying to make is that females are justified to murder males because "patriarchy bad" then they have missed the point. Entirely.

I'm a pilot. I have been a pilot all of my life and I know little about the film industry. I have no interest in the inner workings of the film industry. But even I can spot virtue signalling and fumbling attempts at wokeness when I see them. And I know enough to know that people who believe you elevate one group by denigrating another group are very stupid people indeed.

And that sums up this show. Stupid. Childish. Immature and clumsy.

Avoid.

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The Predator (2018)

1/10

Written for a stereotypical diaper wearing adult, living in their mothers basement

3 May 2021

I'm not going to bother describing the plot, the acting or production because it would be utterly pointless.

What I WILL say is that this sort of product of the Hollywood milking machine is making "made in America" sound like a syphillis diagnosis, given that most of the "blockbusters" are made in America or made with American money.

They are literally churning out garbage after garbage, never stopping to question the integrity, sanity or long term implications of what they're doing. Sooner or later, Hollywoods reputation will become so tarnished, there just wont be any more milk.

This movie is dumbed down to the very lowest common denominator in society and cannot even be considered entertainment by most standards.

Avoid.

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American Horror Story (2011– )

2/10

Typically American: shrill, crass garbage, lacking in nuance and sophistication

24 April 2021

I've watched a number of episodes of this show, determined to give it a fair crack of the whip, partly due to the fact that it appeared to align well with my own social and political views and the hype.

From beginning to end, American Horror Story does exactly what you would expect from a country where 70 MILLION of their countrymen and women voted for a fat, crooked, ignorant lunatic who couldn't find his ass with both hands and a road map and the other half of the country have run blindly into the other extreme of the political spectrum.

Why do politics come into this? Well because AHS doesn't waste a single second of screen time on piffling details like storylines that everyone can enjoy, but rather constantly attempt to force feed inexpertly formed, excessive, shrill and agonisingly prepubescent virtue signalling.

It is literally non-stop and is so crass and irritating, I simply could not bring myself to give it more of a chance than the handful of episodes.

There is only one shining light in this godawful, childish mess: Kathy Bates. I honestly believe that this show would not have had sufficient viewing figures to continue were it not for Kathys outstanding - exceptional actually - acting ability and both of the two stars I have given this garbage, belong to her.

The production quality is good, cinematography is good, but this just proves once again that there are certain sections of the viewing public who will binge watch any faeces as long as it has sprinkles on it and no end of "actors" who foolishly equate viewing figures with craftmanship.

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It (I) (2017)

10/10

I didn't think they could make a psychopathic clown any scarier, but they went there.

19 April 2021

The book was groundbreaking. The original IT movie was about as good an interpretation of the book as could be achieved at the time, despite the minor complaints of its critics.

I didn't think a remake would come close to capturing the feel of the first movie, let alone the magic of the book and that the creative team behind this movie would fall into the trap of relying on shock tactics, gore and loud, shallow and mostly ineffective (but supremely irritating) sound effects...

I couldn't imagine anyone fitting the role of pennywise, let alone bringing something new to the table.

I certainly didn't believe that it would be possible to make pennywise any scarier than he already was...

So, how do you make a psychopathic clown monster, scarier than it already is? You give the clown ginger hair and get Bill Skarsgard to play the role.

In a lot of ways, this movie feels much closer to the book than the first attempt did and feels more sophisticated, without the slasher type excess that these types of movies rely on and which I find very off-putting.

Death and tragedy are treated maturely and realistically. Fear, friendship, love and trust all given a spit and polish that makes this movie far better than the sum of its parts.

The tension builds in an organic way, but once it begins, it is handled masterfully.

Coupled with flawless acting across the board, these things add up to a movie that even someone like me - very much an anti violent movie customer - can enjoy.

In the eighties, it was very much a violence for violences sake type of deal. I'm glad that some work from that era has grown up and blossomed.

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Sherlock (2010–2017)

10/10

Jaw dropping

16 January 2021

Please note: My review is based on Season 4 alone as that is the point at which I have encountered this show.

I have precious little time to watch TV or movies and will - more often than not - listen to music as background noise, rather than the TV, when I am doing paperwork or studying.

However, this evening I put the TV on and randomly chose the first show that came up on Netflix, which happened to be Sherlock...

Spoiler: it's 3am and I have only just now finished my paperwork as I was transfixed by the 3 episodes of season 4 I watched this evening.

I am obviously aware of Benedict Cumberbatch, Martin Freeman, Una Stubbs, Mark Gatiss and others and know them to be very talented people, so their performances were - unsurprisingly - excellent.

The writing, the storylines and entire feel of the show is simply brilliant.

What came as a real surprise was the performance of the actress playing Mary Watson, having never seen her before.

That first episode - Season 4, Episode 1 - had me hooked for the rest of the evening and it was largely on the strength of the performances by Martin Freeman and Amanda Abbington, which were exceptional.

It's unlikely that I will find the time to go back and watch Sherlock from the beginning - which is a shame - but if I did, I would and you should too.

Highly recommended.

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Black Mirror (2011– )

1/10

Symptomatic of a terminal, deadly decline in moral fibre

16 July 2019

We really don't need a TV show to tell us that there are some rather sick people in the world, let alone for that TV show to treat that sickness as "entertainment".

The thinly veiled premise that this series is somehow telling us something we don't know about the "dark side of technology" is rather pathetic.

In essence, a handful of people have plumbed the depths of their depravity and tried to pass it off as entertainment. It is grotesque, appalling and quite vile.

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The Bridges of Madison County (1995)

9/10

One of my favourite stories. Not a perfect adaptation from the book, but close enough.

1 June 2019

My two favourite books are Wuthering Heights and Bridges of Madison County; so I am - in essence - a sucker for a love story.

I have gone through numerous copies of the book (on my fifth now) and each copy has been very well read. This timeless, fascinating, warm, engaging and soul inspiring story couldn't be improved.

I am not a fan of Meryl Streep. Not only do I find her acting slightly bovine, but her insistence on involving herself - often rather erroneously and embarrassingly - in politics and legal matters makes it very difficult to distance that behaviour from her performances; a cautionary tale for actors: stick to acting!

I didn't find Streeps performance in this adaptation to be particularly special, but through careful mental judo, managed to fall back on the Francesca created in my mind from the book.

The movie remains close enough to the book to be engaging and is a sometimes welcome departure from reading a book I now know so well, I can recite every line from memory.

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Midnight Cowboy (1969)

9/10

A very Raw, very realistic and engaging peek into life in 1960s New York

1 June 2019

I saw this movie long before I was legally entitled to, but appreciated it for what it was nonetheless.

Watching it again as an adult, any missing pieces of the puzzle became clear, though I wasn't exactly comfortable once I had a better understanding.

The movie has it all: it's funny, it's sad, it's sexually charged, tragic, thought provoking and even manages to squeeze a little - short-lived romance in there.

Ultimately, it is rather exploitative and does at times feel as if it is peddling soft porn. But understanding that this was the 1960s and "everyone was doing it" does go part way to offsetting the sometimes excessive, gratuitous nudity and many graphic sex scenes.

A significant part of the appeal of this movie HAS to be dedicated to the sound track. Absolutely expertly chosen, it is not only timeless, but many years after its release, it transports you back to a time - in my case - long before I was even born; quite remarkable.

Worth watching at least 2 or 3 times to soak up all the many, many details you'll miss in the first viewing!

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Breakfast at Tiffany's (1961)

10/10

Truly exceptional

16 May 2019

Although a member of IMDB for quite a few years now, I have deliberately put off reviewing this title as it was always my favourite movie of all time, but I wanted to be certain it would remain so...

...and it has. I saw it the first time as a young boy and instantly fell in love with both the story and Audrey Hepburn (of course!); that love affair has endured.

A warm, charming love story that retains its value easily in an age where cinema seems to be all about shock tactics, smut, gratuitous sex, nudity and ever increasingly perverse violence. They can't write movies like this any more because it is simply unfashionable to love and to be loved in the way depicted in this movie.

If you have any romance in your soul, watch this movie. And if you don't "get it" the first time round, watch it again and again until you do; your soul will thank you for it.

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Game of Thrones (2011–2019)

1/10

"Art" this aint! Predictable, bad writing, bad story, mostly terrible acting. Very low brow and a new low in Hollywood tat!

16 May 2019

I was practically forced - almost at gunpoint it feels - by acquaintances (note: not friends; none of my friends watch Game of Thrones!) to watch a few episodes of this. I wish I hadn't.

The story is predictable, the acting mostly terrible (with notable exception of Sean Bean and the actors who play Ned Starks wife - sorry, couldn't be bothered to memorise their names!) and the dialogue is cringe-worthy.

The violence is gratuitous, the sex and nudity - again - gratuitous and it is clear the shows writers and director went for shock value in most cases; to say it smacks of desperation would be an understatement.

This really has set a new low for Hollywood tat and I resent both the time I spent watching the few episodes that I did and the time I have spent listening to quivering geeks give me a blow by blow account of what has happened in the latest instalment.

I watch very little television - roughly 20 mins in the last 3 months for example - and so when I DO watch something, I'd like it to have just a little quality and be engaging enough without resorting to shock tactics, tacky actors or plunging new moral depths just for the sake of viewing figures. "Art" this aint.

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Terminator Genisys (2015)

2/10

Beyond enough is enough

7 September 2018

I won't beat around the bush because at this point, it's simply kicking a creation when it's down...

This movie brings nothing really new, doesn't re-hash something old in a new or interesting way and doesn't entertain. And ultimately, that's we as consumers actually require from something we pay for: to be entertained. I appreciate that to writers and performers what they do is "art", but with this sort of movie, it really isn't: this is consumer product (like it or not) and as such it doesn't meet the standards that consumers should expect when they pay for cinema tickets or the like.

Casting: I hate to be horrible here, but whereas in previous movies characters were played by actors chosen at least in part for their talent, this is the first time I can honestly say that the casting has really focused solely on "eye candy" in all the supporting roles and it shows, it really does.

I've been generous in giving this movie a 2 because if I'm brutally honest, it doesn't deserve it.

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Humans (2015–2018)

5/10

Promising start, though casting "resting bitch face" actors spoils it somewhat

14 November 2016

Essentially a very good program: well made, mostly good actors, great writing

However a couple of the characters can be best characterised as unpleasant. Laura and her daughter in particular are negative, bitchy and quite obnoxious all round

It might sound unfair to judge a program on a couple of characters in particular, but given the amount of screen time these characters are given, resting-bitch-face types really detract from the enjoyment of the show.

I get that the writers have a desire to show the positive and negative impact of artificial life forms on humans, but the naysayers have been given far too much of a voice and when combined with actors that have a propensity to look as if someone has handed them a cold turd on a plate on a GOOD day, the result is rather depressing.

Writing whiny Laura & her daughter out of the show through some sort of tragic accident would be a good move in my opinion.

As regards the other actors, the synthetics in particular really make the show and I'm sure that the show will continue to thrive.

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The BFG (2016)

10/10

Delightful, endearing and fun. Very well done!

5 August 2016

From what I can see of other reviews, these are people who either never read or don't remember the book or who never really engaged with the story.

This movie is VERY faithful to the original ambiance if not 100% faithful to the original story. But then it really didn't have to be faithful to the original because it is simply tremendous fun!

Taking my daughter to the cinema has become a weekly occurrence and I have to admit that - most weeks - I sit through some Disney "inspired" bilge, whilst doing - I think - a passable job of pretending to enjoy it for my daughters sake; Daddy daughter time - though not in short supply - is precious time after all! However in this case, we were both thoroughly engaged and delighted with the movie and have vowed to purchase the DVD when it becomes available on Skys buy and keep service.

The special effects were not overdone, the casting faultless. The soundtrack and adaptations were absolutely spot on.

But best of all...the BFG is PRECISELY as imagined from the book I read as a child and now my daughter gets to experience him in all his clumsy, goofy, friendly glory! If you have kids, see this movie now. And if you don't, go see it anyway: it'll bring out the big kid in you!

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Adoration (2013)

10/10

Exceptional, exquisite and very clever.

14 November 2015

There are so many levels to this movie that it would be impossible to do it justice in a review.

It is rare for me to be riveted to the screen, give my overall negative attitude towards movies in general and the television (where I see most movies) in particular. So when I encounter something that fires my imagination to the extent that I want to watch it more than once, it deserves all the praise I can give it.

The story is so well written and the acting so expertly performed, it is very difficult to find an area that could be improved upon...or even if I would want to if I could.

Above all else, a subject that is - to most of us - a taboo, is handled in a very sensitive and respectful manner. At no point did I feel that it was in any way "grotty" or dirty.

Of course, I am acutely aware of the fact that the "moms" in this movie are very attractive indeed....I'm not sure that "dude, I boned your mom" with said mom looking like a tree-pig in a bad mood, would work anywhere near as well (unfair though that is).

All in all, a fantastic movie, polished and presented in a very thought provoking way.

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Let Us Prey (2014)

1/10

What a terrible waste of a good story

3 November 2015

If this movie were even slightly better, it would be merely awful instead of utterly dreadful. It is honestly nigh impossible to say anything positive about it...

The best thing that can be said about the dialogue is that it doesn't begin until 20 minutes after the movie begins....it very much goes downhill from there.

The dialogue is pretty much gobbledegook given that the "actors" have made no attempt to speak English. subtitles would at least have meant that those of us who do not speak in Scottish slang could at least understand what they are trying to say. The little dialogue I did pick up was pretty much cringeworthy and laughable. Cheesy would be a very very kind way of putting it, but in all honesty, it doesn't deserve that level of kindness.

The story is actually a good idea (though even that has some serious flaws including some balls-out "REALLY?!?" moments), it is simply the execution that is dreadful. The acting nearly made me weep for the actors desperation and the potential deaths of their careers at this joke of a movie.

It is patently obvious that the writers attempted to use shock tactics to compensate for the appalling acting. It didn't work. It smacked too much of desperation and even the attempts at creative camera work have the look and feel of a novice run amock.

All in all, the movie has the feel of mad rantings of a very angry writer / director team venting spleen at something undefined.

The long and short of it is that should you find yourself on one of those nights where the weather is foul and there is simply nothing good on TV you should STILL avoid this movie and take up extreme sneezing instead. At least if you accidentally blow your own brains out through your nose, you'll have suffered a better fate than you would have done by sitting through this bilge.

Believe me, I speak from personal experience!!

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The Monuments Men (2014)

2/10

Nauseating

25 February 2014

Clooney, aka Mr Pretentious is bad enough at the best of times, but this "vehicle" had me wanting to pull his teeth out.

The whole premise of this movie is flawed and it is a very skewed representation of the "true story" on which it is based; I'll stop a little short of saying that it is an outright lie.

For the uninitiated: a group of soldiers are tasked with re-capturing famous works of art, stolen by the Nazis.

My largest problem with this is the assertion made a number of times throughout the movie that in some way, artwork is more important than human lives because "a bunch of people might be killed, but this is our culture". Spoken like a true Hollywood luvvie and colossal pillock. Culture is CREATED by human lives EVERY DAY and any given life taken by war is one that could potentially produce the next masterpiece.

The fact that Clooney sunk his teeth into this cringeworthy, pretentious twaddle says a lot about the man. Not to mention the fact that some extremely talented artists serving on the monuments men squad lost their lives, thereby depriving the world of any artistic contributions they may have made had they survived.

The acting - with the exception of clooney (who seems to only have one character no matter what movie he is in) is exceptional; I can't fault it at all. It's just such a shame that this same ensemble wasn't used for a better movie.

It is RIGHT that goods were recovered from the Nazis, but to suggest that this endeavour was in any way more important than human lives makes this a dark period in human understanding and not in any way entertaining to watch.

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Down Periscope (1996)

8/10

Something a little different

11 February 2014

Military movies are hammed-up cringe-fests. Feel-good movies are so sickening, they induce projectile vomiting.

This movie is a feel-good military (submarine) movie that actually works. Whilst it does have a sprinkling of cheese and some quite puerile moments it is largely inoffensive and quite funny.

I couldn't fault the actors, the script, the characters or the general premise.

Even better, I wouldn't hesitate to let my kids see it and wouldn't hesitate to watch it again.

This movie might not win any prizes or - god forbid - earn cult status; but what it DOES do is entertain and it does that very well.

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Star Trek: Enterprise (2001–2005)

1/10

Sweet dancing Jehova, I think I gave myself brain wurms

10 February 2014

Warning: Spoilers

I really should not have watched this. Okay, so it's 10 years after it came out but I don't have a lot of time to watch TV and it's taken me this long to get around to watching this instalment of the star-trek franchise.

I wish I hadn't; I honestly think I gave myself brain wurms by contaminating my mind with this fetid crotch-rot.

Where to start...

This instalment of the Star Trek franchise had the potential to be the most exciting of all of them by far; the very concept of humans first foray into deep space travel...it is the perfect recipe for a very engaging and entertaining series.

Unfortunately, minkeys were given the task of writing this series and they did what minkeys do: they screwed around a lot and threw crap left, right and centre.

I kid you not, it very much seems as if a handful of lefty 1st year film studies students were given a stupid budget to make star trek fan-fiction and no-one was there to reign them in when it became clear that what they had produced had more in common with an impacted bowel than with entertainment.

At some point, the "writers" (and I use the term loosely) obviously realised that what they had produced was not very good and decided to "flesh" their creation out with boobs, lame attempts to shoe-horn in "controversial" subject matter and lots and lots and lots of fist-fights; and I mean LOTS of fist-fights. The writers made it pretty clear that they wanted to throw out all of the usual star-trek morality, despite the fact that those rules are central to the success of much, much better series like Voyager, which the writers seem to have "borrowed" most of the story lines from.

Second problem: The characters. A vulcan that is constantly on the verge of tears and is so silicon and collagen enhanced you would be forgiven for thinking that she came out of a factory, a hick chief engineer that has more in common with Jethro than with an actual engineer, a captain that is more hammy than a pig farm, a tactical officer that constantly looks as if he has farted when he talks (which he does through the side of his mouth), a chief medical officer that is so pretentious you want to rip his balls off through his ears and a helmsman that is like one of those drooling lunatics that always sits next to you on the train and wants to tell you their entire life story.

As for the military team that accompanies the enterprise crew on their first real mission, if you took meat-heads and then removed their brains, you would end up with the sort of sadly excessive testosterone type grandstanding that actually makes you cringe; at least, it does if you're not 9 years old and a little slow.

Next problem: the actors. Someone thought that Scott Bakula would make a good captain. I think that the head-mounted toilet roll dispenser would make a nice Christmas present for my wife. Just goes to show that I'm not the only one that has bad ideas, but whereas I have just enough common sense to NOT ACTUALLY give my wife a head-mounted toilet roll dispenser for Christmas, the creators of Enterprise apparently lack any common sense at all. Scott Bakula is barely believable as a human being, let alone a starship craptain.

Jolene Blalock as T'pol. I had always associated vulcans with dignity, restraint and natural beauty. What the creators of Enterprise chose for their vulcan was an excessively collagen and silicon enhanced barby doll with the acting talent of a pubic hair; which is ironic given that I would much rather have a pubic hair on my face than Jolene Blalock. To be frank, I find most "enhancements" of this type unattractive, but there comes a point when cosmetic surgery has gone beyond surgery and more into the realm of caricature; she really does look like a 5 year old boys impression of what a female should be. There is some sort of cosmic balance there though because although she may be believable as a woman to a 5 year old boy, she is most definitely not believable as a human, let alone a vulcan.

Dominic Keating (Malcolm the Tactical officer) isn't dreadful as such, just merely bad. Credit where credit is due, his lines are pretty damn awful and I'm guessing that it is quite hard to be remotely believable when you're reciting marsh gas.

Connor Trinneer (Trip, chief engineer) is pretty irritating at times. However he is responsible for the ONE SINGLE MOMENT in this godawful mess of a show that actually put a smile on my face: he becomes pregnant and his reaction to the captain describing his "post natal regime" is very good entertainment. His acting overall is not bad.

John Billingsley (Dr Phlox, Chief medical officer). I quite like John as an actor...but he has a nasty habit of taking crappy roles and really, he is soley responsible for his bad choices. His character is extremely irritating and puts a knife into the suspension of disbelief, at times making the only remedy to fast-forward or even skip the episode.

Linda Park (comms officer). Comparatively speaking, she is a shining light in the series yet doesn't get the same attention because she isn't constantly taking her clothes off and doesn't appear to be cosmetically enhanced.

There is almost nothing positive to say about this series except perhaps this: It is a harsh, expensive and yet valuable lesson in when to force franchise owners to take their finger off the button and be a lot more careful about who they let loose with an established formula.

Honestly, its ONLY saving grace is that they cancelled it after only 4 seasons. And for that I will be truly thankful.

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Battleship (2012)

1/10

Everything that a zombie would want in a movie

21 January 2014

Assuming that you are staggeringly dysfunctional, a constipated mouth-breather or you have brain wurms, you will adore this movie.

If on the other hand - like me - you object to blowing good money on predictable, lame, cheesy, pointless, sad, clichéd gastric putrescence, you will give this monstrosity a wide berth and spend your money on something far less painful; like perhaps a porcupine skin butt-plug.

Every single cliché and cheesy moment that haunted every bad Hollywood movie in the last 50 years has made it's way into the landfill site that is this movie. It is honestly so bad that you might be forgiven for thinking - for a second - that it is supposed to be satirical but alas no. It is really just as bad as it seems.

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Identity Thief (2013)

2/10

I WANT to rate this higher, but I really can't on principle. Hollywood at its worst.

19 December 2013

You don't need me to tell you what this movie is about because presumably you can read.

Although the performances by ALL the actors in this movie are good (which is quite rare), the subject matter is simply handled terribly.

For the longest time, the Hollywood machine has been criticised for putting a gloss over anything that remotely affects real, ordinary people and this example is no different; in fact, in many ways it is WORSE because so many people have fallen victim to this very stressful - and potentially devastating - crime.

With typical Hollywood "Awww shucks, she's just misunderstood" mentality, we DON'T get to see her victims go hungry, have to borrow money from relatives or suffer years of trying to repair their credit rating.

To add insult to injury, the criminal does not get her just desserts come the finish and for all those families that have fallen victims to this particular crime, that will feel like a kick in the teeth.

There are times when the Hollywood machines saccharine gloss is merely irritating or cringe-worthy. But there are times when it is downright wrong and - I'm afraid - this is one of those occasions.

On principle alone, I could not in good conscience rate this higher however much I like the two lead characters.

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Arthur (I) (2011)

1/10

Pointless, unfunny and a huge waste of money

4 December 2013

I will not bang on about the differences between this and the original because there really is no point.

Brand is the worst possible choice for a lead role in ANY movie, let alone the remake of a classic. I can't think for a moment what possessed them to cast Brand in a role that demands a charismatic, lovable rogue when Brand has all the charisma of a whelk and barely qualifies as a human being.

There was no justification for this remake. They would have had to do at least ONE component better, but in their choice of lead, they ensured that this was always going to fail.

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