Change Your Image
ThEAnOrExOrCiSt
Reviews
The Dark Knight (2008)
Believe the Hype
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Everyone was top notch. Edge of your seat thriller for the whole two hours. You gotta see this. It is the best sequel I've ever laid eyes on. Better than the hype. BELIEVE the hype. Ledger's Joker alone is worth the price of admission. He's unrecognizable in the role. Irreplaceable. Everything is done perfectly for the tone of the film. Joker's even funny in a dark way- he'll make you laugh at his sheer audacity. Batman is much more established in this one and Bale makes you believe he's a little bit of a crazy blank slate who would go out and beat up criminals every night. Just go see it. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! WhY sO SeRiOuS? LeT's PuT a sMiLe On ThAt FaCe! go see the Dark Knight.
Stardust (2007)
Awful
Wow. Where do I begin? From start to finish, the storyline moved way too fast and didn't make much sense. I mean, seriously- dude goes through hole in wall, bangs hot chick on the other side, has a baby delivery nine months later, and doesn't even freak? Not even just a bit? No crossing back over to the moms like "WTF is this?" Then we get this droop Tristan kid, who lets Victoria walk all over him, I mean, dude's a complete doormat. I'm supposed to believe a week on a ship with a cross-dressing, fan-waving Bobby DeNiro turns this guy into a hero? Yes, they have Robert "Vito Corleone/The Taxi Driver" DeNiro skipping around in a dress singing showtunes. About the only definable story line and shining role was Michelle Pfieffer's witch. The rest of it was a jumbled mess. Both DeNiro and Pfieffer should be ashamed of this. Academy Awards need to be returned. Claire Danes was hot, as always, but seriously. If she could just "shine" and blow up the witches, why not get on that a bit sooner, hmm? Tristan's moms didn't age a bit from getting banged by his pops to him being a grown man. And how come she didn't pack up the old hag she was attached to and haul a$$ like that earlier, since, you know, she could have done that whenever and stepped through the wall where her little chain wouldn't exist. Way to go. Tristan never even had to fight anybody. He let some animals loose, and they just ate a witch, and left. Skinny, hungry animals (i.e. wolves) just left without going for fresh meat right there. The witch produces a voodoo doll from nowhere when Tristan's uncle shows up to fight over the star? And "drowns" him without a fight? See, now I'm getting just as random as this crazy film. One has to wonder if, in the editing room, they realized it was crap and started throwing in extra effects to fool decent people into thinking this was more than garbage that should have gone straight to DVD. Not to mention this had to be screened and approved by someone who actually thought it was a good idea (or they were hoping Pfieffer's theatrical return with Bobby DeNiro's name might carry it). And they wonder why ticket sales are down most of the year. I like movies like Princess Bride, the Dark Crystal, Labyrinth, going on to Star Wars, etc. But this film was ridiculous. I had to ask Blockbuster if they refunded time, because this was one of the biggest wastes of it I have ever had the displeasure of having to endure. It quite literally gave me a headache. Skip it if you expect coherent story lines or a classic. Even my Harry Potter loving fiancé was horrified at DeNiro in a dress and how ridiculously convenient everything turned out to be for our hero to "win" without ever fighting. And one last thing: how in God's name did Humphrey and Victoria end up in Magicland for the crowning ceremony? I mean, come on. No wonder people in other countries think Americans are dumb. Dreck like this with an 8.1? It belongs down with Cool as Ice and Who's Your Caddy. It's that bad.
King Solomon's Mines (1985)
Painful
I remember seeing this when I was younger and totally thinking Sharon Stone was the be-all-get-out of human females. I remembered a swashbuckling, Indiana Jones-style adventure that entertained myself and my sibling many times. Then I watched again recently, and it hurt. It was painful to sit through. The acting isn't even B-movie grade. The stunts are totally unbelievable. Sharon Stone should be ashamed, and no wonder Richard Chamberlain's career derailed (excuse the pun if you have seen the movie) and he didn't become a household name. The blue screen was some of the worst I've seen, even for the 80's. As a spoof, it definitely misses. As an Indiana Jones-type adventure, it really misses. If you don't like headaches, skip this movie. It's so bad it will give you one- and I like bad 80's movies. But this was just painful to watch and it was hard not to turn it off and chalk it up to a waste of $4.99. Just get Indiana Jones and let the good times roll. The only thing good about it was that it reminded me that this is the film "The Big Indiana Jones People-Cooking-Pot" came from.
Catwoman (2004)
Shameful
I sat through this trainwreck and watched with fascination as movie careers were ruined, right there, before my eyes. Think about it. Seen any new Sharon Stone movies lately? Have any of Halle's new films (following this one) done well? A definite career destroyer, Catwoman takes a comic legend and completely butchers it, alienating the one audience who would pay to see this debacle. The costume is weak, the story sucks, and why do female heroes always fight female villains? I'd like to see a Supergirl movie or something where she goes toe-to-toe with one nasty dude out to rule the world. Something like that. Guess I'll have to write that one up, myself.
Stay away from Catwoman, unless you like wondering why nobody who'd waste millions on a film like this wouldn't give it to world hunger instead, or to your favorite charity (the "your_name_here" offshore bank account) and maybe save a few hot actresses film careers.
Love in Paris (1997)
Awesome
Serious, getting to see Paris Hilton in the embarrassing positions she winds up in during this film makes it all worthwhile. Seriously, who else deserves to take it in the face and have everyone see who's got $17.99 to spare? Maybe Nicole Ritchie, but Paris is the ultimate "I'm famous cuz I'm famous, but I'm really just a rich, talentless air-headed tramp" skank gets hers, at the hands (and camera) of her ex-boyfriend, and in various naughty positions to boot. You will not regret being witness to...um, wait, this isn't One Night in Paris? Oops. My bad.
*grin*
Maverick (1994)
lmao
I have always loved this film, and it actually made me a Mel Gibson fan back in the 90's (I never liked the Lethal Weapon films). All of the jokes in here are spot on, the timing is crucial and perfect, and Gibson takes a rascally character you don't want to like and not only makes him likable, but funny, friendly, and charming as well. Jodie Foster is also as hot as ever as a sly thief, and I have always felt her strong character was underrated- really, how often have we seen an intelligent woman in a Western who is just as crafty as our hero, just as charming, and who plays "weak and swooning female" with a wink and a nudge while she attends to her own agenda? All around, every player in this one is enjoyable, amusing, and will go down as one of my fave five Westerns.
Malibu's Most Wanted (2003)
This ain't no picnic, &%^$&!!
I thought this might be funny going in, and Taye Diggs got a few laughs out of me, but I will never understand this whole "act black" thing. First off, I am black- I don't act like that. I speak well and I don't do hip hop and I'm not into rap. To shock you further, I'm also in my mid-twenties. However, so many people believe that all black folks are like that, and there are a lot of "posers" out there who try to act that way. It's not "acting black." It's "acting poor." Because that's how poor folks in the ghetto act, black, white, green, whoever. The trailer park folks aren't too far off, the accent's a little different and the lingo is a bit different. But riddle me this: go to the 'hood, and go to the trailer park, and write a list of things you'll see in common that have nothing to do with skin color: i.e. the Lexus outside the shotgun house vs. the Viper outside the trailer. And about the movie...well, it's kinda like hanging with Mary Jane, you lose a few brain cells, and forget the entire experience. King Kong definitely got something on this one.
The Quick and the Dead (1995)
Is it possible to improve on perfection?
Well, not really, but this is a great Saturday afternoon escape and the film that actually made me enjoy Leo DiCaprio as an actor and give some of his other films a shot after the whole Romeo & Juliet/Titanic "heartthrob" garbage I had to endure in high school. Really, Leo's character is the most likable in the film and Sharon Stone gives a solid performance along with an early gem from Russell Crowe. Really, I see some of the criticisms of the actors (Sharon Stone is "Going through the motions" bluh blah bluh) and it's like, you've obviously never studied character development. If you'd gone through what her character, Ellen, does, as a small child, you'd be a bit wooden and kind of going through the motions. They didn't exactly have psychologists, Prozac, and the assortment of other goodies people today use to get by in the Old West. All in all, I say spot on, and I love this film. If you've seen the way I rate films, you'll know it takes a lot to squeeze anything over a 5 out of me. I'd much rather write an amusing review of a film's points toward "steaming pile of excrement" But sadly, only great things to say. Anything Raimi touches is pretty much gold, anyway.
The Postman (1997)
Muahahahahahaha
So, this flick was good for the laughs. Since Costner directed as well as starred, I can just see the set now: "No, no, close up! That's right, make sure the wind is blowing my hair over the bald spot/receding hair line. My sex scene? Well, that chick's pretty hot. You wrote her as married? Make that guy impotent, then!" At least, after the debacle that was "Waterworld" and this, people saw Mr. Costner for what he is- only suited to films like Wyatt Earp (A great movie) where he doesn't act so much as brood and be arrogant. I knew he was a fraud the minute I saw Robin Hood- the only one to have no sort of English accent in the entire film.
This one's good for setting up a nap. When you wake up, it's usually still on, though, but at least it has served its purpose by then.
The Dark Crystal (1982)
Dude...seriously...
Skip this steaming pile of excrement and rent "The Labyrinth" instead. The story makes no sense. They don't even give you a viable reason to dislike the bad guys! I mean, I couldn't see anything different from what they were doing than the nice Republicans down the street. Because the dialogue is so incoherent, it's difficult to tell that they're evil other than they suck the life out of ugly little trolls on a regular basis and they fight each other. Big deal. Oppressing innocents? Hardly- they didn't come down with an iron fist until those "innocents" were harboring fugitives. And the supposed "good" guys, the fat slow people, are just as bad. They could have walked into that castle any old time they wanted. The whole story was pointless as a result of this. Old dude at the beginning could have told the elf, "Dude, get the shard, come back here, we'll march on the castle." End of story! Also, they had w hole bunch of side adventures just to show off puppets. I mean, when that bird dude approached the two elves, he invited them into the castle. DUH! take the easy way little buddy! But no, if he does that, no stilts puppets to fight the beetles. Not that it mattered, since John, Paul, George and Ringo beat up the stilts puppets anyway.
I don't know what they were smoking when they came up with this, and I don't know what you people who think this "film" is a classic are on, but I'd like some of both so I can better enjoy this little blue marble we live on. But seriously, even the Ewok Adventures were better than this. Sure, the acting was just as bad and the puppets even worse, but it had a story a person can follow and that made some sense. This is just the work of stoners.
Peace.
Epic Movie (2007)
Not so bad as they say
I saw this yesterday and while it didn't leave me in hysterics, it was suitably funny. I'll agree that some of the scenes were drawn out too long and the hip-hop montages could have been cut out for the most part. But aside of the albino monk's stupid comments, some of it was quite funny. A lot of folks who don't like it are upset that their favorite movies got the job in here, and while it could have been better, it was heads above Date Movie, which didn't make me laugh at all. It's above average, but not great comedy by any stretch of the imagination. If you're looking for a good goof on the most recent "blockbusters," this is your flick.
But see it during the day and don't pay full price. I didn't. *grin*
Wyatt Earp (1994)
Classic
I can't even say which one is better, this or Kurt Russell and Val Kilmer's Tombstone of the same era. I'm not much of a Costner fan, but I do love this movie. He is the perfect choice as the stoic lawman who did things that a lot of people, including himself, didn't like, but that had to be done to earn respect from all the crazies in the wild, wild west. As Earp, he delivers two lines in this movie that sum it up.
(As County Sheriff tries to arrest Wyatt after the OK Corral incident.)
Sheriff: Wyatt! I want to see you.
Earp: If you're not careful, you'll see me once too often.
And later, when Wyatt is facing down a lynch mob that wants to string up a prisoner.
Man in crowd: Who's going to stop us? You??
Earp: You're right, I can't stop you. There's enough of you here tonight to overpower me. (Draws his guns) But I'm taking ten or twelve of you with me. So who's first?
Even the mighty Gov-uh-nuh never had lines that good.
Material Girls (2006)
We got ourselves a new courthouse...
High time we had a hangin'. You know, I actually like Hilary Duff. She isn't so bad, compared to most of her contemporaries. Then she had to go and crap out a "movie" like this. I'm appalled that Anjelica Huston has fallen so far. Say it ain't so, Morticia. I heard this was written for the Olsen Twins, and they turned it down. I've seen New York Minute. If the Olsens turned it down, you have to be dumb or desperate to sign up, cuz it's gonna be bad. Hilary and Haley oughta get strung up for this. What a waste of talent. Maybe they'll do a horror flick and it'll happen, and then we can forgive them for swinging so low (no pun intended.) Let us pray to the movie gods for something good, soon. Please.
But for now...somebody go get a rope.
Troll 2 (1990)
A Steaming Pile of Excrement
I was so confused by the disjointedness of this "film" that I had to look at the description to see if the one part I remembered was actually part of this film, which I had the unfortunate displeasure of viewing on cable. I had to drink large quantities of alcohol to sit through this, although I laughed at the goo girl. This has to be one of the worst movies of all time. I mean, it's worse than Phat Girlz. It's worse than from Justin to Kelly. I hate those movies, but at least they didn't look bad, cinematically speaking. But this...I mean, it was released? Did patrons actually pay to see it in theaters? Is this when people started to bring guns to movies and shoot at the screen? If so, I certainly understand why. Skip it. Even if it's free. Trust me, you'll be pist about the time you spent watching it. And it'll give you a killer headache as you try to figure out why this exists, and where these talentless people find a budget and a studio to release their garbage.
Scary Movie 4 (2006)
*Yawn*
Started out funny enough, and I was exicted at the promise the movie showed. But it quickly deteriorated from there. I mean, the flick wasn't even funny after the opening sequence with Shaq and Dr. Phil in a saw-like peril. It actually gave me a headache, and I found myself wishing that it would just end. At least Scary Movie 3 (which ain't no Scary Movie) spoofed movies that totally deserved it, but they were good films. War of the Worlds was terrible, and so was the Grudge. Neither could go up against Signs or The Ring in terms of the quality of the films (Despite Signs' weak alien bad guys.) If you're going to spoof movies, at least pick some that are actually decent. Spoofing crap leads to a crappy spoof. Boo hiss.
Batoru rowaiaru (2000)
Do What Must Be Done, Lord Vader
Wow, what a flick. Watched it with some college buds and the missus. Talk about psychologically intense. Kudos for the makers of this film, as they explore the quick deterioration of superficial high school relationships when it comes down to who is going to die. We coldn't help but talk about what kind of strategies we'd have deployed had we been forced into similar situations. We agreed the best strategy (since we all hated high school and the majority of our classmates treated us badly) would have been to pick people off as they exited the encampment, take good weapons, find a high vantage point, and pick off any and everyone who came past, marking a point to go "hunting" at night, when the fools would be sleeping. Regardless, the movie makes several points, including the exposure of true friendships vs. phonies, and it was quite entertaining. The thing with the teacher, I didn't get, though. What was up with the cell phone, eh? Also, the flashbacks didn't really add much to the story. Someone should remake this in America without sappy-ing up the story or turning it into a gorefest. A true "survivor" game.
Batman & Robin (1997)
Vegas called- they went their neon glow back
Before 'Catwoman,' before 'Material Girls,' before 'Norbit,' and many others, Batman and Robin is the original CK- Career Killer. Think about this absolute catastrophe- a bomb that only made money because it had the title of "Batman" in it and people went to the theater just to see the new Batman movie- aside of George Clooney, whose career wasn't derailed here? Uma Thurman? Her biggest, most exposed roles since were the Kill Bills- more Tarntino hype than Uma-hype- and My Super Ex-girlfriend, a stinker in its own right- before Batman and Robin, she had a pretty good career going. Chris O'Donnell? A promising career ruined as the irritating Robin, a character so annoying you constantly hope he is somehow horribly slain during the film. Before this, O'Donnell was big time. Seen him since? Alicia Silverstone made several big bombs in '97, but they were all after she filmed Batman and Robin. Back in '96, she was the new "it" girl. Seen her in anything lately? So, that's 3 careers down the drain. Arnie? Well, sure, he's now the governator, but aside of T3, did any of his movies fare well after he put in this horrific performance as Mr. Freeze? Think about after '97 for the big guy: no hits other than T3. Not a lot of roles offered to him, period. And any of the movies he was in bombed. So that's 4. Elle MacPherson? Well, she didn't have much of a film career to begin with, but even her modeling career went downhill after Batman and Robin. We're up to 5. Should I even keep going? Pat Hingle, Michael Gough, I could go on. The movie is pure fluff, an embarrassingly corny, campy "dark" knight- I don't think the director realized that most of us didn't take the TV show seriously as Batman and the fans wanted a realistically dark portrait of the hero, as Christopher Nolan has since fulfilled us with. The costume is the same, the neon city is not. Hey, Schumacher's Gotham, Vegas called, they went their glow back. Skip this one. Only Clooney emerged with a career to speak of. And even he admits he went through the motions just for the paycheck.
Little Man (2006)
Crap
This is CRAP. This is GARBAGE. I'm not putting up with it. Someone should take these guys' money away. In Living Color was great, and I loved Scary Movie I & II. But White Chicks? Now this? They need to get Damon and Jim Carrey back in the fold, quick. It's like the Wayans aren't even trying anymore, just thinking "What garbage can we film and put out for them and still get them to pay to see? HA HA! Got them again!" This film makes "Blankman" look like a movie superhero classic. Any film buff knows what I mean by that. Trash. Let's get this off the #4 spot in the box office earnings, and they'll stop making this bilge. Then maybe we can see them be funny again. Getting kicked in the balls once is funny, and a surprise return at the end might be funny too, but not through the whole movie with fart jokes, etc. Blurgh. Waste your money on something else. I'm just glad it was free for me.
Phat Girlz (2006)
How? Why?
Who lets these "ideas" (and I use the term loosely) get past the execs? I've got a couple of famous bridges I'd like to sell the studio who released this. $1 million each, and guess what? Yep, they're already built... The "skinny bitches" joke she uses is so old. And really, there is nothing healthy about being overweight. Many Americans can't even fit into an MRI machine these days. That is sad and embarrassing. Not everyone thinks fat is unattractive, but there's a big difference between a "few extra pounds" (Few: adj.- Amounting to or consisting of a small number) and being way overweight. I have seen plenty of human examples that prove a person can lose the weight if they want to, most people just don't really want to put in the exercise or eat the right foods. I also found it amusing that there were no fat guys in this movie, just really ripped doctors. Only thing that made me laugh. So I guess fat guys are nasty but "phat girlz" are hot and should have the hottest men? Most people go for mates who, physically, have similar attributes in terms of weight and physical appearance. So I doubt these dudes would be all about the "phat."
From Justin to Kelly (2003)
Please...Get me tools...rusty dental tools
I think, given a choice between watching this film and performing a root canal on my own genitals with rusty dental tools, I would have to go ahead with the latter, so that at least I'd be unable to produce offspring who might have to suffer through this steaming pile of excrement. Compared to this, the makers of Grease, Grease 2, the Sound of Music, Mary Poppins, and heck, even that musical episode of Xena: Warrior Princess, should be shining up their Oscars and smiling for the camera. This movie is a perfect example of why things like American Idol need to stop. I can't tell you how sick I am of how these largely uncreative people get record deals, then crap out even more bad pop music and turds like this movie. At least when I see a Shaq movie, I know he had to work years to get to the NBA, be a superstar, and make s**tty movies while recording even worse rap albums. When I see singers like Mariah, Mick Jagger, etc, I know they struggled to the top to have the opportunities to fail miserably on screen. These people just showed up at American Idol auditions, sang (often badly) some songs, and had it handed to them. What say we all band together, get American Idol canceled, and make them work for it. Cuz then they'll never be famous, they'll never get a record deal cuz they can't write their own songs, and we will be spared all the bad movies and records they will no doubt produce and release.
Superman Returns (2006)
More Than I Expected
While not giving a perfect score, an 8 out of 10 is difficult to get out of me. Having studied film, heroes, and mythology during undergrad, I am not an expert on such matters but I do have knowledge. A lot of people dropping reviews here seem to have expected too much out of this film, or didn't know what they were looking for or at. What did you expect? I thought the actors did a fine job, and that the writers told a good story. After all, Lex Luthor, in the movie series, has always been driven by the thought of acquiring more land. Even in Superman II, he campaigned to be given Australia when working with/for General Zod. It isn't supposed to necessarily make sense- he's a megalomaniac, remember? Why wouldn't he continue his original plan, albeit with improvements after having his big idea in the first section of the movie? Kevin Spacey did a great job of mixing sadistic humor with disillusioned genius in the part. With Superman gone, who would be there to stop him from achieving his goal? When Superman returns, and correct me if I'm wrong, but did he not crash land in a Kryptonian space ship on the Kent Farm? I believe so, and it's likely he used that to travel around, since he draws his powers from the Earth's yellow sun, and leaving it to return to Krypton would leave him mortal. Nobody's asking what he ate on his first trip as a child, but I'd think he ate whatever the ship provided, as he'd done before. "Advanced alien technology" can provide a writer the means to make it happen. As far as Kate Bosworth's interpretation of Lois Lane- anybody who's had someone they truly love disappear and then come back understands what that does to you emotionally- it throws you off. Especially if you've got someone new, who you care for, but don't love the way you know you loved the one who left. I thought Bosworth did a great job conveying a sense of "He's here! What do I do now?" After seeing Superman on the plane, she's like that for the rest of the film because she's got things on her mind, and everything else is just stuff she has to deal with while trying to sort it out. I've been in a spot like that. It's easy to forget to emote and become wooden when you have questions and scenarios running through your mind, and what you're going to say or do when you get a chance to talk to that person alone. And it's hard to be open with someone who left you without an explanation, even harder when you still love them, and then when you find out they had a very good reason for doing it that had nothing to do with you, it's a strain because you lose a lot of that anger, if not all of it. I'm shocked at how many people have interpreted her reaction as "wooden" or poorly done. I never liked Margot Kidder in the role- she wasn't cute and her voice annoyed me- even though I loved those movies from the 70's and 80's as a kid- I think Bosworth's a better Lois, even if she is a bit young to be playing her five years later. As far as story-telling goes, I could easily see the story going here. And why not? As a "continuation" of I & II, it all makes sense, from Luthor's land-grabbing, to the strained relationships between Lois, Clark, and Superman, even to the origins of Lois' son (remember the cozy night in the fortress in II?). I got more than I expected, and I can't wait for the next installment. **Also, read the book. It fills in the "holes," quite nicely, especially concerning where Superman was during his five year absence, and why he went. With the film already 2 hours and 45 minutes, they no doubt had to cut the exposition in a lot of places. There are problems with the plot- Lex remembers the fight in the fortress, while Lois does not because Superman supposedly wiped her memory at the end of II. But when he mentions it on the yacht, Lois doesn't respond like a person who doesn't remember the encounter. Also, everyone seems to know Lois and Superman had something going on, so Clark's reason for hiding his identity from her -to protect his loved ones, namely her- is completely void. But overall, I was quite entertained and will be viewing the movie again this weekend.
Date Movie (2006)
The best part about this movie...
I'm only giving this a "2" because of the "Milkshake" montage at the start of the film. Despite having heard this movie was terrible, I went to go see it, and this montage, being funny, gave me hope that what I'd heard was wrong, as I think it's about time somebody took down all these smarmy, kodak-moment, everything-works-out-even-if-the-protagonist-is-a-complete-jerk, happy-ending romantic comedies. The best part about this movie after that was a wonderful thing I'd noticed on the website where I'd looked up showtimes- a running time of 83 minutes. Since the opening took about twenty of those up, I figured after enduring five minutes of this festering pile of excretement- which began at that point to really stink up the screen with its tired, played-out gags that weren't relevant in any way to the story- I could at least salvage my $8.50 by getting in a good nap. Don't waste the four bucks renting it. You're better off with, and it pains me to say it, Scary Movie 3.