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Shank (2010)
1/10
A great movie to walk out to.
30 March 2010
Walking out of a film half an hour before the end is a gesture I used to abhor. No matter how rancid a film appears to be, you should always see it through once you've started. Otherwise you're not quite in a position to properly criticise it.

I've changed my mind innit. Shank was profoundly unwatchable. I saw it in a theatre with maybe another 50 people; I could hear sighs and groans coming from all directions throughout the picture. Every macho posture, every tedious shouting match, every useless camera jerk, every inept stylistic manoeuvre seemed to audibly destroy a part of someone in there. Myself included, which is why I got the hell outta there.

I haven't seen Bullet Boy or Kidulthood, two other London-set youth violence epics which apparently bear a resemblance to this dirge, so I cannot compare them. I can only say that Shank is a stain on the good name of film. It consists of scene after scene of fantastically unappealing teen anti-heroes yelling at each other in grimy surroundings, punctuated by the occasional flashy chase scene or, in one instance, a dogfight captured in outdated computer graphics. Despite the digitally-enhanced nature of this scene, we don't actually see the dogs fighting, just about 5 minutes of close-ups of the deliriously screaming spectators - the film actually goes out of its way to be boring and repetitive; I simply cannot believe that this was an accident or oversight.

I kinda have a thing for Kaya Scodelario, and the promise of her presence may have been the deciding factor in making me go to see this mush. But she couldn't save it for me; she didn't even show up until the film had battered me senseless for over an hour, and by then I had already accepted that the useless script wasn't gonna give her a chance to display the spunk and sex appeal she delivered in Skins. This useless film wouldn't even let Kaya be spunky and sexy! I walked out shortly after she showed up, when it became clear she was there only for the lead actors to harass her a little bit.

I'm pretty much finished now. Thank you for reading. And please don't give the makers of Shank any of your hard-earned, or even hard-benefited cash. They must learn to try harder.
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The Broken (2008)
3/10
The Broken badly needs fixing. Or maybe just oblivion.
31 January 2009
Warning: Spoilers
This film is pure, distilled, unadulterated boredom. I knew nothing of it before I entered the dark room, took my seat. I was seduced by the "mysterious and suspenseful" blurb on the poster I suppose. Also, Lena Headey is nice and unconventionally sexy, and Richard Jenkins is always a reliable guy to have around, so the cast seemed reasonable. It may have been his name above the title that convinced me to go with this instead of whatever else was on. I should've gone to see Valkyrie for the second time instead.

The thin plot revolves around Headley's Gina McVey, her boyfriend, her father, her sister and her sister's husband who for some reason are being stalked, in a very louche and unenthusiastic manner, by their evil doppelgangers who emerge from mirrors that mysteriously smash. There could be a great film behind this idea (not exactly an original idea, mind you, but still...) and in fact, if the filmmakers had shorn away all the supporting cast and simply stuck to Headey's character's story, The Broken could've made a reasonable 20-minute short. As it is, it is desperately unmotivated and boring, and terribly inconsistent.

For instance, in one scene, a mirror smashes on its own in a room housing all the main characters; they look puzzled but quickly forget about it. In another scene, a mirror smashes in an empty room, and a doppelganger is visible as she "steps out" of the shards left hanging on the wall. So why did the first mirror smash if no creepy crawly was to come crawling out? Just for a little thrill? There are far too many scenes of the characters in the dimly-lit London flats, peering around corners cos they thought they heard something, but seeing nothing there and moving on. We begin to wonder, why doesn't this malevolent doppelgang actually ever want to try to scare them? Scare the characters and you have a chance of scaring the audience. But we, the audience, will need to start threatening each other, in the darkness of the theater, if we want to have any thrills during The Broken. By the way, once we've spent time with these evil doubles, we are totally bemused as to why anyone should be expected to be frightened of them - they just stand around, blank looks on their faces, perhaps totally harmless after killing their others.

There are some nice moods and touches throughout, and I dare say director Sean Ellis could fashion a genuinely stylish and suspenseful mystery movie if he was to hire an imaginative screenwriter next time.
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6/10
Here's some stuff about the film
14 November 2005
Warning: Spoilers
I got to see this movie, despite living in Britain where it is hard to find, because a friend imported the French DVD. I have been a-waiting a long time; I wasn't let down. I've been thinking about it for many days. It has haunted me the way the novel did when I first read it. But it has problems.

Good stuff first? You know all about it. The acting is truly spot on. Argento throws herself into the role with the kind of wild abandon that one would expect of Sarah, her character. The Sprouse twins work wonders in their role/s -- they're least irritating and most heartbreaking child actors I have ever seen. The cameos are most fun to watch, particularly Marilyn Manson. I had no idea Marilyn could appear so weak and pathetic. He's a good actor then. Maybe he should further look into that, since his music career may be declining.

Also, Argento has a great eye. The film's crazy pyrotechnics constantly threaten to become wearing or tedious, but they never do -- every canted camera angle, every stop-motion effect and every speeded-up piece of film is judged just right, impressionistically offering us insight into Jeremiah's soul and his imagination without becoming self-consciously silly. I disagree with the many critics who despise the film's OTT style. I think it's one of it's strong points.

I didn't even mind the ending that much. Of course the brutal, bleak ending of the novel leaves more of a lasting impression, but the film's ending is still downbeat -- Jeremiah's back on the road with his mother, so the abuse and the suffering and the heartache will continue. The novel extended this; in the final of the short stories, we learn that Jeremiah is a broken-down and deeply disturbed wreck when he reaches 15. But the film gives us no reason to think that this won't still be the case.

But yes, there are problems. Sarah's character changes in translation. In the book she was more vicious, more repulsive, but also somewhat deeper. We are given reasons for her rotten behaviour -- she has been conditioned by past violence. This is not even hinted at in the film, where we know nothing of her character's history.

The rape scene, one of the most horrific passages in the book, is oddly glossed-over here, which makes it offensive for all the wrong reasons. What was (not graphically) described in the book as deeply painful, and as something that lasted hours, passes us by quite harmlessly in the film. It joins that trend of recent indie films which try to make paedophilia seem less damaging than it actually is. Or perhaps that isn't so and I'm overreacting. But that's how it seemed to me.

Ultimately, Argento (and Leroy) want us to pity these monstrous characters, presumably because they 'know no better than what they do'. But that won't wash unless we're given some reason to pity them, something other than blind faith. In a film that numbs us with the depiction of adults as child abusers and nothing else, where should our sympathy come from? Are we really supposed to forgive the paedophile's actions because he apologises to Jeremiah after raping and abandoning him? Or is it because the poor poor guy was heartbroken after Sarah dumped him, and just needed some loving attention? No, there must be more. Much much more.

The most important downside is that while we watch the movie through Jeremiah's eyes, we are not given his insight, his commentary, which was for me the most important aspect of the book. We can all imagine what it would be like to be dragged across all of Southern America, watching our psychotic glurmo of a mother screw different violent men when she isn't torturing us, but Leroy's poetic narration, clinging as best as possible to childlike innocence, made it seem all the more horrific and all the more incredible at once. Argento's Heart is Deceitful is a successful film, but it sorely misses Leroy's voice.
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8/10
Something a wee bit different
23 March 2005
I've voted 8 out of 10 for Fellini Satyricon, but I can imagine that a few people may find that to be an overly indulgent grade. Actually, I know that a few people will feel that way -- I've shown it to several friends, and they all agree it looks beautiful and manages to amuse on numerous occasions. But they don't get much more out of it. That's too bad for them. Aaaw yeah.

As Vincent Canby said in his review, from 1970 in the New York Times, 'Fellini Satyricon is its own justification'. This movie exists purely to engage on an aesthetic level. The surrealism, the carnival-of-life atmosphere, the monumental pageantry, the visual juxtaposition of beauty and ugliness, and the black humour are all the film possesses and are all it requires. I believe that Fellini's intention with this film was simply to entertain. And he was a master entertainer, no doubt.

Don't expect much in the way of characterisation, of complex plot developments, or of nifty moral expression. This is a film that looks and sounds beautiful, and it manages to hold your interest (or mine anyway, I can't speak for everyone) for two brief hours by doing just that. Fellini = Godlike genius.
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Scary Movie 3 (2003)
General horribleness, in general
20 July 2004
There is something in the air. A phrase, an uttering; indeed a statement. It's what lots of people say about 'Scary Movie 3', and it goes along the lines of "Well it was no cinematic triumph, no La Dolce Vita, but oh boy was it giggle-making!" Hands up if someone you know has summed up the jist of that sentence out loud... Yeah, thought so, lots of you. Well I say "Balls!" to that. This film was so bad it nearly gave me Parkinsons Disease. I thought the first 'Scary Movie' was wonderful -- a very jolly, rude, outrageous type of comedy in the same vein that David Zucker introduced back in 1980 with 'Airplane', and continued in '88 with 'Naked Gun'. Oh David, how you have disappointed us. At least some of us anyway...

The Wayans took their fresh approach to the generic spoof/farce/zany comedy routine and, with the first 'Scary Movie', made it seem wholesome again. Perhaps the secret to their approach was to make the sex jokes considerably more vulgar than the mild innuendos of 'Airplane'. I didn't mind that at all; I found it hilarious and not particularly offensive. The main thing that bothers me about 'Scary Movie 3' is its relentless unpleasantness. Despite its lower, PG-13 rating I found it offensive, which was surprising because I'm not easily offended at all. Certainly, the first film found Anna Faris sprayed to the ceiling by a massive gush of come after her boyfriend has an explosive orgasm -- those who thought the film went too far liked to complain about that scene (it's one of my favourites though). But surely it's not as objectionable as numerous 'funny' scenes in this 'tamer' film, such as one agonisingly unfunny moment in which a terrified child is left alone in a house with a malevolent pedophile. The 'humour' in this endlessly crass-and-not-very-funny-with-it piece-of-flab-of-a-film derives from basically two types of jokes -- tired gags about sexual frustration and violent, monotonous slapstick. There's no originality, but for me, worse still, there's no joy. 'Scary Movie 3' is just unpleasant and mean-spirited, styles of film-making that should not be applied to a silly, cartoon-like spoof comedy.

Still, even if the film wasn't so depressing it wouldn't be funny because, as I have said, there's no good jokes in it. Well, no, there's about two -- one involving dogs that are acting very strange indeed, and another involving President Ford. At the film's running length, that basically works out at one funny joke for every 40 minutes. Oh dear...
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2/10
Angelina is the one good thing about it.
24 August 2001
This movie was really, really disappointing. And I wasn't even expecting anything special. I was hoping to see a silly-fun movie that would entertain me for a few hours. Well, Tomb Raider is silly, but it's not fun, or entertaining. It's just boring, dull, tedious, brainless...etc. The dialogue seems to have been taken from a million other movies (the same goes for the action scenes), and the plot, needless to say, is utterly cliqued and predictable. I remember going to see Gone In Sixty Seconds last year, and feeling similarly let down by that as well. But at least Sixty Seconds was fun. Really, the only good thing about this movie is the fact that Angelina's in it. Otherwise, it's a disasterous movie. Aviod. 2/10.
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