If you can't jump to 1:30 or 1:10, because you're watching this on televison or (worst option) in a movie theater, you're out of luck. Nothing interesting, scary, or at least not predictable happens for the first 90 minutes. (And they are not even playing Soccer or Baseball) ;-D
I managed to watch this movie 'til the end just because it was on streaming (for free) so I let it run while I was doing some chores at home. But the point is still the same, an immensity of boredom. No character does or says anything not obvious. You can't even tell if they're acting bad or well because none of them gets a significant line to say. No plot twist 'til the end. Also, the ending is not really a plot twist, what happens just makes no sense. Unless you manage to get some meaning out of the random flashbacks of the main characters, all coming with no understandable explanation of their relationship. This is not the way a good movie should be done.
Reviews
43 Reviews
A Quiet Place Part II
(2020)
That much for number two
13 March 2023
Well, usually the second sequel in a supposed series hits bad luck. If you've not seen this yet, just skip it, there's nothing new to see. Wait for the third, and if we get lucky they could call in Will Smith for some Indepence Day stuff or some robots from Pacific Rim. It's just ridicoulous that the whole Earth people can't react to the invasion of such stupid aliens (and the director is not putting any effort in explaning us why this is happening). Them aliens can't fly or swim, am I correct? Where's the Navy or the Air Forces? Also, this is the only movie about an alien invasion where no USA or Russian officer thinks about firing nuclear weapons at rhem.
Wonder Woman 1984
(2020)
You can't stop me! Nor you as nobody else!
30 January 2023
What about... Superman? Or... Bruce wayne? ...Supergirl? Green Lantern? Jonn Joxx? .Dr. Fate? (I totally hate superhero movies that predend to ignore the existence of other superheroes). This movie looks like a parody to me (Also, seeing Wonder Woman throwing her tiara as Sailor Moon uesed to do made me laughing, in the good sense) . Seeing Diana talking with her best (and only) female friend in Big Bang Theory style, another good laugh. Maybe people who gave this movie a bad review were expeting to see Wonder Woman to fight some bad supervillain... oh so sorry, there's none :-P Also, stealing from the Djinn franchise is not a goog wish.
The Innkeepers
(2011)
The Big Bang Theory gone Ghostbusters
15 August 2022
Wow, the other reviewers hated this!
Let's put it straight and clear, if you want the scares, click on something else. The Innkeepers is NOT an horror movie. The trailer tricks you into thinking it is, so people who paid real money to see a scary ghost movie, they got comprehensibly angry.
But I loved this movie. The characters are all so well acted, so good, so silly, so self-centered, so lovely, chasing a ghost that is not actually harming anyone, think of the cast of The Big Bang Theory becoming obsessed in demonstrating the existence of an hypotethycal ghost!
They should have made a sit-com out of this.
Let's put it straight and clear, if you want the scares, click on something else. The Innkeepers is NOT an horror movie. The trailer tricks you into thinking it is, so people who paid real money to see a scary ghost movie, they got comprehensibly angry.
But I loved this movie. The characters are all so well acted, so good, so silly, so self-centered, so lovely, chasing a ghost that is not actually harming anyone, think of the cast of The Big Bang Theory becoming obsessed in demonstrating the existence of an hypotethycal ghost!
They should have made a sit-com out of this.
Skylines
(2020)
Oh look, now there's a pandemic virus?
13 August 2022
What an original idea for a movie released in 2020!
There's nothing worth seeing in this movie, any thing good that was in the Skyline franchise, you've seen it in the previoous movies and it was done better. The plot makes no sense, and everything that happens is a roaring insult to what has been done before.
There's nothing worth seeing in this movie, any thing good that was in the Skyline franchise, you've seen it in the previoous movies and it was done better. The plot makes no sense, and everything that happens is a roaring insult to what has been done before.
Kill Switch
(I) (2017)
There are better movies and better videogames
28 July 2022
First, make you choice. Do you want to see a movie or play a videogame?
I, personally, don't like POV videogames, those where you can see only your character's hands, to be clear. Also, being in a videogame whithout being able to control your character can become very frustrating as the hours pass.
I prefer to watch good sci-fi movies, and this is not one of them.
So, when your choice is made, spend your time playng a cool shoot'em up or watching a good movie. Kill switch is none of them.
I, personally, don't like POV videogames, those where you can see only your character's hands, to be clear. Also, being in a videogame whithout being able to control your character can become very frustrating as the hours pass.
I prefer to watch good sci-fi movies, and this is not one of them.
So, when your choice is made, spend your time playng a cool shoot'em up or watching a good movie. Kill switch is none of them.
Upgrade
(2018)
Hey dectective, tell ya bosses you're not going there whithout some freaking Robobocop!
28 July 2022
...or else. Ooops. Been there, seen that. Criminals have technology way better than cops, so every battle is lost in advance. But then an unhautorized cybernetic vigliante comes to settle the score. And what the.(lovely) detective Cortez does then? Tries to arrest HIM, obviously! :-D
Yes, as if. Too bad the two never get to cohoperate, but the movie is enjoyable anyway.
The Bouncer
(2018)
Was that Van Damme? Really?
3 June 2022
It reminded me of some of the latest Steven Seagal movies, where he's old and slow and overweight and some say that's not him to fight in the martial arts scenes. But no, this was really JCVD, only that he fights like a dumb brawler, and eliminates most of the opponents by strangling them or shooting them dead with some gun and without a frown.
Choose ANY other JCVD movie if you're a fan, choose "Pound of Flesh" if you want to see an aged Van Damme kicking asses with cool martial arts moves and killing bad people without a frown. You won't find any of that in Lukas.
Choose ANY other JCVD movie if you're a fan, choose "Pound of Flesh" if you want to see an aged Van Damme kicking asses with cool martial arts moves and killing bad people without a frown. You won't find any of that in Lukas.
One Missed Call
(2008)
Let me have one of those calls, I could put it to good use
25 May 2022
If I'd receive a call from my own number, with my own voice, that informs me about the date and time of my death, I would take some countermeasures. First, I would pay attention not to cross a road full of traffic in the exact minute when my time is supposed to run out. But this is the easy part, even a moron could think about this (but apparently, none of this movie's characters can).
By that time, I would most probably be hiding in a secret, secure palce with the door locked and a 44 magnum in my hands, and if somebody knocks at that door, I will most likely unload the aforementioned gun through it before even considering to get close to that door.
I feel difficult to care about the main character's fate in a movie where all of them just keep doing stupid things that would lead them to their (previously announced) deaths. A total waste of time.
By that time, I would most probably be hiding in a secret, secure palce with the door locked and a 44 magnum in my hands, and if somebody knocks at that door, I will most likely unload the aforementioned gun through it before even considering to get close to that door.
I feel difficult to care about the main character's fate in a movie where all of them just keep doing stupid things that would lead them to their (previously announced) deaths. A total waste of time.
The Jack in the Box
(2019)
Aww, there's a scary clown! Call Bart Simpson immediately!
10 May 2022
Bart Simpson imho could've made short work of this witless clown-like so-called "demon", just by trying everything he's tried with Sideshow Bob ;-)
Some more serious main charcter could have tried all that has been tried with, say, Freddy Krueger, making the movie worth watching.
But nor the main charcter nor nobody else never even tries at anything to harm Jack. WTF, not even trying to kick him in the balls if you're a girl?
Sideshow Jack, which you can see on screen for 6 minutes, total (and never gets any close to be scary), has a so-predictable attack routine (get out of the box+kill 1 person+get the corpse in the box) that the main character not only had a wide array of opportunities to defeat him, he could even had humiliated him.
What about filling the room where the box is.with gasoline and wait for him to get out with a lighter in your hand? Or, covering the floor with glue and then shoot at him with a gun? (Ok this plan would require Maggie Simpson's help) What about trying to cut his head with a katana? But no character tries nothing, so all you get is an endless, boring loop of jack exiting the box, killing someone, then going back into the box.
But nor the main charcter nor nobody else never even tries at anything to harm Jack. WTF, not even trying to kick him in the balls if you're a girl?
Sideshow Jack, which you can see on screen for 6 minutes, total (and never gets any close to be scary), has a so-predictable attack routine (get out of the box+kill 1 person+get the corpse in the box) that the main character not only had a wide array of opportunities to defeat him, he could even had humiliated him.
What about filling the room where the box is.with gasoline and wait for him to get out with a lighter in your hand? Or, covering the floor with glue and then shoot at him with a gun? (Ok this plan would require Maggie Simpson's help) What about trying to cut his head with a katana? But no character tries nothing, so all you get is an endless, boring loop of jack exiting the box, killing someone, then going back into the box.
X-Men: Dark Phoenix
(2019)
The worst Dark Phoenix story ever told
22 March 2022
C'mon, we don't even get to see her. I read this story first time from the comics when I was a child. Back then, Jean demonstrated to be able to shape and control the power of the Phoenix several times (to the point to create a costume for that form of her). In this movie, she just keeps saying again and again that "when it comes, I can't control it".
Ahem... why? There used to be a Phoenix and a Dark Phoenix, in this movie we can't even tell the difference.
Ahem... why? There used to be a Phoenix and a Dark Phoenix, in this movie we can't even tell the difference.
The Horde
(2009)
How to ruin a watchable movie with an offensive ending
22 March 2022
I don't know if what I'm about to write can be considered a spoiler. If you mind, stop reading at the line with the word spoiler in capital letters
My rating could have been much better if not for the unaccettapble, unforgivable ending. Well there are zombies, there are cops, there are gangsters and the main characters are all so cool than one could ask himself how they could possibly lose, but the zombies are so many so that one would ask himself how the heroes could possibly win...
*** SPOILER? ***
and then the movie ends so abruptly that you would think it's just a commercial break and then the second half would start, but no, the closing credits go and you are left right there with your questions. Not fair imho.
My rating could have been much better if not for the unaccettapble, unforgivable ending. Well there are zombies, there are cops, there are gangsters and the main characters are all so cool than one could ask himself how they could possibly lose, but the zombies are so many so that one would ask himself how the heroes could possibly win...
*** SPOILER? ***
and then the movie ends so abruptly that you would think it's just a commercial break and then the second half would start, but no, the closing credits go and you are left right there with your questions. Not fair imho.
Undead or Alive: A Zombedy
(2007)
This movies is hilarious from start to end!
22 March 2022
And, I demand to see a sequel where the two main characters become zombie hunters!
I love western-horror, I love parodies, and I do love well-matched couples of characters. This movie has that all. Those two guys could become the Men In Black of the West. Well, once they finally learned how to kill a zombie, what else should they do?
I love western-horror, I love parodies, and I do love well-matched couples of characters. This movie has that all. Those two guys could become the Men In Black of the West. Well, once they finally learned how to kill a zombie, what else should they do?
The Vault
(I) (2017)
And ten stars for the opening credits that are a work of art
10 March 2022
So, we get immediately informed that "hostage negotiation" in that bank ended in tragedy.
Reviewers who say that the ending has no meaning just didn't follow the storyline carefully (or didn't watch the movie til the end). This movie is worth watching from the opening credits until THE VERY LAST MINUTE, which is when you get it all. Ok, tha main characters are a bunch of half-mad robbers and assassins that start killing hostages before even answering the phone to talk with the police. They have some problem with the very concept of "hostages" ;-) The bank's director tells them that the bank is supposed to be haunted... but they kill him, and by doing so they forgo the only source of information available to them.
And I won't spoil you of the major fun of discovering WHY, the bank was supposed to be haunted ;-D.
Reviewers who say that the ending has no meaning just didn't follow the storyline carefully (or didn't watch the movie til the end). This movie is worth watching from the opening credits until THE VERY LAST MINUTE, which is when you get it all. Ok, tha main characters are a bunch of half-mad robbers and assassins that start killing hostages before even answering the phone to talk with the police. They have some problem with the very concept of "hostages" ;-) The bank's director tells them that the bank is supposed to be haunted... but they kill him, and by doing so they forgo the only source of information available to them.
And I won't spoil you of the major fun of discovering WHY, the bank was supposed to be haunted ;-D.
Girl on the Third Floor
(2019)
Some info that other rewievers are not giving you
2 March 2022
Warning: Spoilers
First and foremost, this movie is really disgusting. And I don't mean it's bad, in that case, I'd give it 1 star, but I gave it 6 because it's not that bad as an horror B-movie. No I mean disgusting in th sense of gory, and gross. Some things that happen on screen made me almost sick so that I wasn't able to eat a snack while watching it. And I am an horror maniac who watched all the Saw saga without a blink.
I would never consider living in a house that is dripping black (or even worse, white) goo from every hole, including power outlets, the sink and the shower, and also every wall you try to drive a nail into, and has corpses hiddent into its walls. But we get informed very early in the movie that the main character is stupid, so he keeps struggling to the cost of his life... literally. If you don't like CM Punk, you could enjoy this movie even more than I did, just watching all the terrible things that happen to him
But you'll need a strong stomach to get to the end ;-D.
I would never consider living in a house that is dripping black (or even worse, white) goo from every hole, including power outlets, the sink and the shower, and also every wall you try to drive a nail into, and has corpses hiddent into its walls. But we get informed very early in the movie that the main character is stupid, so he keeps struggling to the cost of his life... literally. If you don't like CM Punk, you could enjoy this movie even more than I did, just watching all the terrible things that happen to him
But you'll need a strong stomach to get to the end ;-D.
Have those goons ever seen a real late-70s horror movie?
22 February 2022
I felt it was my duty to make a thing clear for you, before you take the risk of watching this worthless piece of crap: you will spend more than an hour watching the actual cursed film, which incidentally is not scary, not interesting and very bad acted.
That movie was suppesd to be around during the early 80s, when sacred monsters like Evil Dead, Suspiria, Poltergeist, an Halloween were starting (real) legends. Them would really give you the scares and, especially in "Evil Dead"'s case, will leave you very convinced that bad things happen to those who perform demonic rituals without knowing what they're doing.
So one may ask himself, why Antrum does not resemble ANY of these in ANY aspect? The answer is very simple: because directors Michael Laicini and David Amito are totally inept at making an half-decent horror flick, let alone a legendary one.
That movie was suppesd to be around during the early 80s, when sacred monsters like Evil Dead, Suspiria, Poltergeist, an Halloween were starting (real) legends. Them would really give you the scares and, especially in "Evil Dead"'s case, will leave you very convinced that bad things happen to those who perform demonic rituals without knowing what they're doing.
So one may ask himself, why Antrum does not resemble ANY of these in ANY aspect? The answer is very simple: because directors Michael Laicini and David Amito are totally inept at making an half-decent horror flick, let alone a legendary one.
3022
(2019)
The "totally missing heroic characters" problem
16 February 2022
Warning: Spoilers
This movie could have been very better if ANY of the characters had an heroic attitude, the best option being the commander of the space station, which instead was getting psychotic already for the simple fact to have to run a 10-years long space mission with a ridicoulosly undersized crew. So, the space station's doctor was about to call earth and ask to end the mission 5 years earlier because of the captain's psychological condition, but oh WTF!, right then the Earth decides to explode.
Even then, if SOME of the other characters would have shown the force of will to keep the very few human beings still alive together for the survival of the human race, this movie could have been very good. But not. None of them even tries. They just try to kill each other to get the limited amount of food and breathable air remaining, or to commit suicide.
This movie show the worst aspects of the human nature, so I didn't liked it and I would have preferred not to have seen it. Hope that my review would spare that grief to other people that would like more to spend their time watching commander Picard saving the Earth another time against all odds.
*** SPOILERS ***
You won't even get to know why Earth exploded, anyway.
Even then, if SOME of the other characters would have shown the force of will to keep the very few human beings still alive together for the survival of the human race, this movie could have been very good. But not. None of them even tries. They just try to kill each other to get the limited amount of food and breathable air remaining, or to commit suicide.
This movie show the worst aspects of the human nature, so I didn't liked it and I would have preferred not to have seen it. Hope that my review would spare that grief to other people that would like more to spend their time watching commander Picard saving the Earth another time against all odds.
*** SPOILERS ***
You won't even get to know why Earth exploded, anyway.
Boss Level
(2020)
Time-loop genre at his top
15 February 2022
Ever seen a movie when the main character has to repeat the same day again and again? I guess I've seen a dozen.
BUT, this is different due to the videogame approach. In fact, being a videogame player, I really appreciated the sensation that Roy was trying to become faster and smarter and trying again and again endless times to reach his goal, but whenever he thinks he suceeded he discovers that there's another goal, another "level" so much more difficult that it seems impossible to beat, and all of his attempts seem to be doomed to end with a "Game Over" no matter how hard he tries.
And then, there's a change of pace where he starts to play the game just to enjoy it (this is the part when he uses his apparently endless supply of "extra lifes" to rebuild the neglected relationship whith his little son), and through that, he finds the motivation (and the way) to play the game til the end. Adored it.
BUT, this is different due to the videogame approach. In fact, being a videogame player, I really appreciated the sensation that Roy was trying to become faster and smarter and trying again and again endless times to reach his goal, but whenever he thinks he suceeded he discovers that there's another goal, another "level" so much more difficult that it seems impossible to beat, and all of his attempts seem to be doomed to end with a "Game Over" no matter how hard he tries.
And then, there's a change of pace where he starts to play the game just to enjoy it (this is the part when he uses his apparently endless supply of "extra lifes" to rebuild the neglected relationship whith his little son), and through that, he finds the motivation (and the way) to play the game til the end. Adored it.
Kill Mode
(2020)
Remembered me "Avengers: civil war"
15 February 2022
If you don't mind the thin storyline, or the fact that every character do what he/she thinks is "right" based on their own motivations, but actually none of them really knows "the truth" until the ending: this movie is action-packed with all manners of fight from bare-handed to ordinary firearms, sci-fi weapons and random superpowers, the special effects are very good and the fights are very realistic.
Ok after one hour of that, you may think that you're not getting anything else out of this movie and... you guessed right :-/ But I enjoyed watching it and I would enjoy watching a sequel, c'mon you don't get 90 minutes of uninterrupted sci-fi mayhem everyday!
Ok after one hour of that, you may think that you're not getting anything else out of this movie and... you guessed right :-/ But I enjoyed watching it and I would enjoy watching a sequel, c'mon you don't get 90 minutes of uninterrupted sci-fi mayhem everyday!
Abandoned Dead
(2015)
Every single thing that happens in this movie is non-consequential because...
14 February 2022
Warning: Spoilers
..if you want to know the answer, you'll have to read my spoilers.
I DO HATE movies conceived in this way, so that even if you got interested in the beginning, everything gets wasted in a (multiple)(messed up) ending that not only makes you angry, but also demonstrates you beyond any reasonable doubt that the regist has intentionally wasted one hour and a half of your time, and he's probably laughing at you if you wasted money to see it too.
Also, notice that most of the positive reviews tell you nothing about the plot and seem to have been created by cut&pasting the same two lines with little variations.
Anyway, you may enjoy to look at the main character doing an endless list of silly if not idiotic things, that would have get any other security guard killed or at the very least fired on the instant, but each of those demential actions (I counted 7 before letting go of the count) has no consequences at all.
*** SPOILERS ***
Actions have consequences .... in real life, but that's not our case, since we spent all our time watching the dreams of a psychopath (Rachel) under hypnosis that has lost any contact with reality 10 years ago and is still under psychiatric care, and probably under drugs too. So if you were waiting for answers or an ending, you're out of luck. The case remains open and the closing credits go.
I DO HATE movies conceived in this way, so that even if you got interested in the beginning, everything gets wasted in a (multiple)(messed up) ending that not only makes you angry, but also demonstrates you beyond any reasonable doubt that the regist has intentionally wasted one hour and a half of your time, and he's probably laughing at you if you wasted money to see it too.
Also, notice that most of the positive reviews tell you nothing about the plot and seem to have been created by cut&pasting the same two lines with little variations.
Anyway, you may enjoy to look at the main character doing an endless list of silly if not idiotic things, that would have get any other security guard killed or at the very least fired on the instant, but each of those demential actions (I counted 7 before letting go of the count) has no consequences at all.
*** SPOILERS ***
Actions have consequences .... in real life, but that's not our case, since we spent all our time watching the dreams of a psychopath (Rachel) under hypnosis that has lost any contact with reality 10 years ago and is still under psychiatric care, and probably under drugs too. So if you were waiting for answers or an ending, you're out of luck. The case remains open and the closing credits go.
Wolfhound
(2006)
A warning for those who hadn't read the book... just like me...
7 February 2022
...Don't even bother to give it a try. If you haven't read the books, you won't get a chance to understand a half of what's going on or why, and after a couple hours, when the number of characters you know nothing about that have just been thrown in without any explanation or background comes to "everybody on the screen and then some", and magic keeps coming and going with no apparent reason, you could focus on the fact that YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW THE NAME of 50% of them, give it a laugh and spare yourself the pain of another hour of this meaningless mess of a movie.
Also, I agree with those who said that the best actor in there is the bat. He's so cute and lovely and deserved more time on-screen.
Also, I agree with those who said that the best actor in there is the bat. He's so cute and lovely and deserved more time on-screen.
Tremors 5: Bloodlines
(2015 Video)
Wait... this is a parody about all of the the Tremors franchise, am I correct?
7 February 2022
...but it seems that was not the intention.
Anyway, if you would like to see Gummer being prohibited to use his own weapons by the south african government which apparently wants to capture graboids instead of killing them, and consequently being imprisoned in a cage and urinated upon by a lion, while a very sexy dark skinned girl tries to kill graboids with bow and arrows (and survives while doing that throughout all the movie for some unbelievable reason), you could love this movie.
If you try and like it, then please text me and convince me it was not a parody ;-) Anyway, when you get to the point whan you think it can't get more silly... It somehow does (don't miss the closing credits)
Anyway, if you would like to see Gummer being prohibited to use his own weapons by the south african government which apparently wants to capture graboids instead of killing them, and consequently being imprisoned in a cage and urinated upon by a lion, while a very sexy dark skinned girl tries to kill graboids with bow and arrows (and survives while doing that throughout all the movie for some unbelievable reason), you could love this movie.
If you try and like it, then please text me and convince me it was not a parody ;-) Anyway, when you get to the point whan you think it can't get more silly... It somehow does (don't miss the closing credits)
Dead in Tombstone
(2013 Video)
The ending is very worth watching, and this is no spoiler, it's a preview
5 February 2022
Yes, the storyline is pretty obvious, but the acting is good (Danny Trejo seems at his top imho, and Rourke's interpretation of the Devil is very entertaining and FAR from obvious). The shooting is very appropiate for a horror-western movie and the action never gests boring or repetitive (which is impressive given the fact that 70% of the movie is about gunfight), but thanks The Devil people keep getting killed, abused, wounded or just getting scared in a number of creative ways. Also, as the story progresses is seems that Guerrero has become a western version of "The Crow"... but it's not. This is an hint, not a spoiler... did you see any crows around?
P. S.: this movie should be rated also for nonconsensual sex, nudity, torture, and bad things happening to good horses, including exploding and being set on fire!
P. S.: this movie should be rated also for nonconsensual sex, nudity, torture, and bad things happening to good horses, including exploding and being set on fire!
Cold Creek Manor
(2003)
This is not an horror movie
28 January 2022
You can watch it end enjoy it, you can get a feeling for the characters because the acting is not bad, but if you want the scares, try something (anything) else.
I got disappointed just because the premises caused me to think about some infested Manor. My fault :-/
I got disappointed just because the premises caused me to think about some infested Manor. My fault :-/
We were waiting for all of the the answers, didn't we?
28 January 2022
Warning: Spoilers
People can easily miss some important chapter about every movie which has generated an endless stream of sequels. I mean movies like "Alien", "Rocky", or "Halloween". Well this movie is a good attempt at explaining what the original plan was when Umbrella started it all. Some other reviewers pointed out various inconsistencies, they missed the fact that the original plan went awry as hell, so the final result have nothing to do with what they were planning for. I found this movie VERY amusing, as every single bad guy in the whole storyline faces his/her demise.
*** SPOILERS ***
What spoilers? I didn't mention a single name.
*** SPOILERS ***
What spoilers? I didn't mention a single name.
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