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mooncat335
Reviews
The Hollow (2004)
Very By the Book
Although not as hideously bad as I had expected, 'The Hollow' is a very paint-by-numbers film. I give it points for a)having some kind of budget, b)the acting generally wasn't awful and c)it had Judge Reinhold in it but other than that, it was your average disappointing 'horror', and I use the term 'horror' loosely.
The film is very obviously riding on the success of Tim Burton's 'Sleepy Hollow'. Those of you who have actually read Washington Irving's short story will know that most of the characters that Tim Burton put into 'Sleepy Hollow' were not in the original story, it is very heavily embellished. 'The Hollow' tried to make out that the residents of the town were all descendants of the added in characters from Burton's film, the most obvious being Van Ripper, the grubby lunatic who tends the graveyard. (Van Ripper was the coachman in Sleepy Hollow)
In the first few scenes of the film, we come to realise that this film is just another Scream/I Know What you did Last Summer/The Faculty clone. Sexy teens Nick Carter the football jock and Kaley Cuoco the cheerleader are mucking about in Sleepy Hollow's graveyard when their friend gets his head cut off by an unseen murderer. Cue Tom Welling lookalike 'Ian Cranston', who we find out is a direct descendant of Ichabod Crane and is the only person who can stop the Horseman chopping heads at random on Halloween.
Most of the dialogue is pointless and badly written, as are many of the scenes (Nick Carter's Legend-obsessed character repeately dressing up as the Horseman attempting to scare people gets old very quickly). The action and horror are boring anmd unbelievable, and correct me if I'm wrong but I believe the Headless Horseman was supposed to be without a head. This Horseman has a deformed pumpkin with glowing eyes for a head. It looks more like an onion. The pathetic action comes to an abrupt end in one of the most rubbish finales I've ever seen. If you want a more thrilling story, go and read the book.
Tongan Ninja (2002)
If You Love Cheesy Martial Arts Films, You'll Love This.
Although somewhat of a bargain basement film (I picked it up for £2.99!) it seems I found an undiscovered gem! Although I was dubious in the first scene about whether I would find it funny, it soon got into the swing of things and was an absolute laugh riot, as well as a lovingly written nod to the old 70's martial arts dubs and other films such as Karate Kid (The restaurant workers claim to train at the Larusso Dojo) and possibly the Steven Chow films (The end fight is very Shaolin Soccer) A lot of the film bafflingly silly, but not unenjoyably so. The impromptu dance routines, Jermaine-covered pop songs and insane characters such as Knife Man (Who fights with kitchen knives) and Gun Man (a 'Leon'-esque character who couldn't hit a barn door) just add to the bizarreness of the film. Even better is the way the bad guys are introduced, in a computer game style reminiscent of Mortal Kombat. Showing their fighting stats underneath, the characters are shown in the screen in the corner posing with their weapons amid scantily clad dancing women. Although the humour is quite in your face and the action is mainly slapstick, purposely bad effects, dubbing akin to 'Hercules Returns', and not much budget just make it funnier. Absolutely fantastic!
City Dragon (1995)
Dear God, No!
We found this for a pound in our local video shop, and I'm not sure it was even worth that! The story focuses on Ray, a work-hard-play-hard fighter from LA and his two homies, 'Philthy' Phil and self-proclaimed 'wigger' Rick. All three of these inexplicably speak in rhyme and spend the first half of the film chatting up women with their corny rapping skills. Enter Tina, a comically dressed young woman who has just escaped from her abusive boyfriend. Falling for Ray, then finding out that she's pregnant with her ex's baby(or a cushion...), the pair decided to get married and make a go of it. The film then becomes a completely different film where we are privy to Ray and Tina's already failing marriage, Tina's ex's adventures in a mental institution, Ray's 'well meaning' infidelity, and his irritating friends foibles. The final showdowns consist of Ray beating up a group of about ten men (One of which is sporting a 'Genuine Mickey Mouse' sweater) then chasing Tina's baby-stealing ex up to the top of the building. Although the final fight goes on far too long, the best part comes when John the ex places Tina's baby (a rubber doll) on the floor and Ray accidentally tramples on in when he goes to fight him. All the acting, sound quality, production values, sets, and music could not be worse, but if you want a laugh when you're drunk, this is the film for you!
The Roller Blade Seven (1991)
Horrific
My house mate and I foolishly purchased the video of 'The Roller Blade Seven' from our local second hand video shop in the hope of finding a bad film to laugh at. This film isn't even laughable, it's pathetically poor, worse even than Jack Frost 2-and that's saying something. The script, acting, production, stunts, sound, sets, everything is absolutely terrible. In some parts the actors haven't even learned their lines and are blatantly ad-libbing or in one case actually having the lines read to them off set and simply repeating them. Set in the post apocalyptic 'Wheel Zone',The film obviously consists of about 45 minutes of film, many parts of which are edited badly or repeated ad nauseum from various different camera angles to make the film longer. This gets tedious very quickly. The plot makes no sense whatsoever (It is apparently an amalgam of two books written by Scott Shaw), there aren't even seven of them, most of them aren't on blades, they're wearing roller boots, and it seems to me that mostly the film has been completely sold on the fact that there's about 3 minutes of female semi-nudity in it. The writer and star Scott Shaw obviously fancies himself somewhat of a Samurai and throughout the film performs some very poor stunts and made up sword fighting moves that look massively amateurish. Despite all this, his website states that the film should never be compared to a traditional film because it really pushes the boundaries of modern film making. My house mate and I were left speechless by the whole ordeal, and despite my frequent attempts to burn the videotape, she has decided it may be some kind of Ring-esquire video curse that needs to be passed on. If you see the video in stores, take it from me! Leave well alone!