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Reviews
Jonathan Creek (1997)
LOVED the star and the plots, but can someone kill off the co-star?
Such a shame. If this show had been cast differently, it probably could have run for 20 years. I loved Alan Davies and I through the plots were great and creative, but we literally could not stand another SECOND of that woman, that Caroline Quentin. Possibly the most obnoxious, disgusting character inhabiting any sort of "cozy mystery" show. And that's saying a lot, if you look at the history of BritTV mysteries that live in the Cozy universe (including all the CoC shows now, the Chamber of Commerce shows, like Death in Paradise and that lot.)
(And is there some reason that they had her stuffing her face with FOOD every 10 seconds? What's funny or humorous or pleasant about that?)
I'm actually hoping--yes, here it is, 26 YEARS later--that someone will revive it, KEEP Alan Davies and don't a) bring in that woman, or b) some "daughter' character that is going to be an obnoxious, lying, rotten imbecile, or anything else to ruin it. Stop ruining shows, people. We only managed another watching by judicious use of the fast-forward button to get past that character and any line she spoke or anything else. I fully realize that UK and US humor are NOT the same, but she was simply...just awful and foul.
Another brain-teaser show with a **liikable** star with a *LIKABLE* sidekick (Watson? Need a job?) would do well. Why not this one? They're bringing back almost everythign else (Hawaii 5-o and on and on) so...why not this? Just do NOT bring back the bad part!!!
Mystery Woman: Redemption (2006)
RE: Geeze, Hallmark, I get where you're going, but ther are many books that you could license!
Y'know, TV has become such a wasteland that amazingly, I find myself actually trying these various Hallmark MFTV things, whether it's Aurora Teagarden (RIP) or one of the others. Anythign that won't lecture me, tell me "how" to think, what's rightthink, what's socially "wrongthink" and all that dreck and drivel.
I tried a few of these the other night (it's now like 13-15 years since these were made) and geeze, they are kinda AWFUL. They are rivalling my older fave cozies for vapidity, sadly.
The premise here is that this itty-bitty girl of 20-something, maybe early 30-something, inherits this roomy, NEVER has customers bookstore, that obviously earns the earth, and has working for her this former CIA/Intelligence Analyst (played by Clarence Williams III of Mod Squad fame). It's laughable off the cuff, but the writing is just...excruciatingly bad. EAch time, somebody gets murdered (of course!) and this wee Jessica Fletcher is off to solve the case and naturally, DOES. Like, through osmosis, because she seems to have no training, no education, no actual KNOWLEDGE about anything at all, to her own devices.
Invariably, I can point at the screen and say "he dun it," within, no kidding, 10 minutes of the open. The deductions that yon lady amateur detective leaps to are...it's hard to do them justice in this review. Just...bad. The woefully underpaid/volunteer Intelligence guy that always "knows a guy" that can get them stuff that the local fuzz can't get is bad. It's just ALL BAD.
Worse, something hilarious actually happened on this episode--the thing opens, I hear music that I recognize but can't place. I didn't finish it that night--I'm not that masochistic--and when I wrap it up two-three nights later, they play it again. I'm like "d*mmit, what is that?" and the following morning (on the throne, the appropriate spot for thinking about THIS show, mind you) I realize--it's from The Untouchables. YES, the one with Connery, Costner, et al. It's hard to imagine two more opposite efforts, both dealing with crime and murder, than those two. The sheer PRESUMPTION of anyone mooching that amazing music, for this dreck? Shame on you, music dude.
So...I get why desperation might drive you to try this, but be warned. It's just...like watching the old Mickey Rooney, Judy Garland, "hey, kids, let's put on a show" things. It's THAT BAD.
Justified: City Primeval (2023)
Toss-up whether the Nepotism or horrible writing will kill the show.
I LOVED Justified, LOVED Harlan and the fantastic characters, both good and bad. This? This is just dreadful. Didn't make it more than 15 minutes, having had the utterly unnecessary "daughter" (in all senses) foisted on us. I didn't know she was a NEPO until I came here to review it, which somehow makes it worse.
The daughter's character is obnoxious. The daughter's behavior is unacceptable and if this weren't 2023, he'd be smacking her (which she BADLY needs). She disobeys him constantly, and of course, there are consequences, none of which carry what's needed, which is killing her off. That, or send her away to boarding school and STOP inflicting her on us.
The plot--well, of course, as it's Detroit, every person of importance is a person of Color--the judge, the prosecutor (who EASILY wins over Raylan), and apparently, we're also meant to think he's attracted to this woman that just made him look a proper fool on the stand.
How many years has Givens been in the Marshals? 20 at least, and he gets caught out on all this like a stinking rookie? And it's partly his daughter's fault for watching "funny cat videos" in the court's gallery? GIMME A BREAK. She does even more stupid stuff later, and...just...thank GOD for a fast-forward button, but I have no interest in being force-fed garbage that I have to FF through.
Such a bummer. I was so so so excited when I saw that it was coming back to TV and now..welp, just like everything else, lazy writers, poor actors, and the ubiquitous "gotta make everyone happy" casting choices and the like...it's been ruined.
I don't care who you are, this show just...it's not Justified, and it's not justified. I read somewhere that Timothy Olyphant said something about a second season--if I were you, Timothy, I'd be shopping around for a new gig. The show's been out all week, and there are what, 33 reviews here? THIRTY-THREE? Folks, that tells you everything you need to know.
Haunted by Murder (2022)
Wow, this one was BAD, I mean, really bad.
If you're an Aurora Teagarden fan, you already know that you're not signing up for deep thought, great literature, or Larry Olivier-quality acting when you sit down with one of these--you're accustomed to pretty lightweight fluff, easy-to-like characters, undemanding scenarios, not being lectured about every PC thing today, etc. Hell, that last part is probably WHY you're watching it--I know that's why I do. I'm not challenging my nogging with a whodunit; I'm seeking lightweight escapism, which, up until this last one, this series provided.
But dang, enough is enough--this one goes beyond the pale in dum-dum-dum. Firstly, the character of Sally, the sidekick, was simply dimwitted and terrified throughout. When I think of her many lines, they were all equivalent to Shaggy in Scooby-doo, lamenting how scared s/he was. Literally, I think that is every single line she had, the entire movie--"Let's leave, I'm too scared," or "I'm going home," or the equivalent of "ooooohhhh.... nooooooo..." and it was so annoying that by halfway through, I started turning off the sound every time she opened her mouth. (We use captions, though, so I still knew what she moaned/said/cried.). I honestly don't think she said anything else!
The other thing is, it really *is* Scooby-Doo-ish, in that you can see all the setups coming. Picture moves? Character moves it back and surprise! It moves again. Duh. Is there a staircase down to the basement, where someone died 20 years ago? Aurora goes down the stairs and gasp--the door jambs and she's TRAPPED and panics. Duh-uh. Why? There are 20 people upstairs who know she went downstairs, for crying out loud. OH and there's a small reveal at the end, that is meant to add, apparently, to the ghostly aspect...(wait for the music...)
Even Aurora's character seemed dimwitted in this one and she's meant to be the investigative heroine, not the Crime-solver-through-happy-accidents person. Her new husband, Nick, seems to have been completely castrated now...he's also sort of uber-vanilla, a prop more than a character. The nephew is also...he's grown a beard and it's a laughable addition, it really is. He also seems to be standing around as a part of the scenery, rather than really doing anything.
The mother, played by Elaine whatsits, is as annoying as always. How many years now has Aurora been solving murders? Is there some reason that the mother keeps moaning about it, acting as though she's the one being put-upon? "Oh, Aurora!" You can practically write her dialogue yourself, every time she appears.
Charlaine (Harris, the author and the producer of this series), PLEASE, stop it. I was on your early internet fan boards, on your website and we yakked back and forth a lot, before you were famous--PLEASE, stop it with the mother's behavior, and can you put some brains back in Sally's head, please? Please? Otherwise, this series is truly doomed. I appreciate that it provides me with entertainment that it's hard to find nowadays, where I'm not being constantly lectured by people who think that they know how and what I should think about this, that, and the next thing, and for that, I thank you from the bottom of my heart, but really--please, take it up a notch. I'm sure I'm not the only person who would appreciate it.
The Courier (2019)
Holy crap, this was awful and the soundtrack staked it in the heart.
At minute 23, I stopped the movie and recapped what had happened, which was NOTHING. The "bad guy" was in a church, then arrested, then on house arrest. The "courier" is on a motorcycle, going to where a witness is being kept. THAT'S IT. 23 minutes of increasingly awful, HORRIBLE bad soundtrack, that's irritatingly inept when it starts and downright infuriating after 20 minutes of hearing it ever-louder, faster tempo, as if doing that will somehow compensate for the UTTER lack of suspense, writing talent and the unwatchable filmography and directing that's in front of you.
Don't. Just don't. If you try and you give up around the 20th minute...well, you can't say that you weren't warned.
The Alienist (2018)
Watch S1; ignore S2; as usual, Social Justice has ruined the show...
In the first season, there was a great balance between the three primary characters, the two men (the Alienist and the artist) and the woman, who is NYC's first female employee (non-Janitorial) at the NYPD. There's a lot to recommend it, although the show is QUITE gory and as someone else mentioned, there's a lot of gratuitous animal cruelty in it.
But in Season 2, suddenly it's the Sara Howard show! All Sara, all the time! The Alienist, Laszlo, might as well just jump off a cliff; he's hardly even consulted. The artist, John Schuyler Moore, is inveigled somehow into an engagement with an empty-headed socialite--the daughter of William Randolph Hearst--and that's about all he does, is follow her around and hold her dog. (yes, indeed, she carries her little PeekaDoodle or whatever it is with her, like a 21st-century Celebutwit! How...modern!).
But Sarah, oh, yes, she's launched her own all-female detective agency, with employees and everything (don't make me laugh, and I'm a WOMAN, for crying out loud) and she does all the detecting; all the work; all the profiling and orders everybody around.
Yet again, the endless push for Social Justice has utterly--I mean, UTTERLY--ruined the show. It's not worth watching and it's even more gross and gruesome than last season. All that being true, I'm giving it a hard pass.
4 stars b/c S1 was worth watching, but don't ruin your enjoyment by bothering with S2. It's truly PATHETIC in comparison.
The Order (2019)
S1 was okay, but S2 is unwatchably bad. Just...awful. You've been warned.
S1 was decent, albeit cheap fun. Corn everywhere and predictably cringe-worthy acting, the type you find filmed A LOT in Canada. But, it had some fun moments and it was a decent "break out the popcorn/guilty pleasure" sort of thing. The ending of S1 sucked, but...whatevs. I was looking forward to S2 in a nice, pleasant way. Not "can't wait for it," but...you know, "will be nice when it's here."
BUT, OMG, S2 is completely and totally different than S1. S1 had a bunch of male characters driving the story, largely, esp. the Werewolves (Knights). And yes, there was a love interest and a conflict between the protagonist, his revenge-driven Grandfather, his girlfriend, the Order and his Knights. It was nicely balanced--yup, a bit of the yin/yang.
***** Warning ,possible SPOILERS BELOW****
But S2 is simply...awful. First, (and, I'm a woman saying this) it's all girls, all the time. ALL the men are now totally PW-ed. They're like Ken-doll props, moved around and given lines for the ENTIRELY Female-angst-driven plotline. The original GF turns into a total C-word. I mean, the male hero keeps telling her how much he loves her, would die for her, yadda and I wanted to scream at the TV, "WHY??! WHY???" I mean, *I* wanted to kill her. An ungrateful, vengeful, obnoxious, smug (literally wanted someone to smash her in her face) Beeyatch. She goes from being a great person to an obnoxious Thunder-yup, you got it. In a show that already HAS a bunch of characters like that.
NONE of the male characters seem to be able to have their own ideas, their own stories, etc. NOPE, they are all doing and saying and reacting to what their WIMMEN-FOLKS tell them to do, how high to jump, etc. It's...just infuriating to watch. And worse, in men over 15, it would NEVER happen.
The (FEMALE) boss of the Order has enough girly angst to make menopause look like a decent alternative. The obnoxious WOMAN character that's her somewhat BOSS, is yet another screeching harpy female character. The former 2nd tier repugnant woman character is now a central character, on-screen with HER obnoxious self entirely too much and then, of course, we have to get this entire plotline about how she's not really bad (despite killing people and turning her former BFF into a clock), because, YES YES YES, she's just misunderstood. Her DADDY was mean to her (OH, NO! MEAN DADDY SYNDROME!), and that's why she's just misunderstood and unloved and all that jazz. Nope, another woman that can't just get over it and stand on her own. the one NICE female character is a two-fer, a black lesbian, ticking off those "inclusivity" boxes for the show.
It's ENDLESS. I would bet a large chunk of dough that the entire 2nd season was written by all women, directed by all women, etc. Women are IN CHARGE at the Order, kids, and OMG, they totally ruined the show. It's truly sad. You'd think that as a woman who fought for liberation, equal pay, etc., back when it counted, I'd be able to enjoy something where women took control, but the result is like a sappy, repulsive Made-for-Lifetime mini-series . Show's utterly and totally trashed. I don't see how they can salvage it. The Magicians? OMG, yeah, right--NOT. Won't be looking for S3, that's definite.
Spenser Confidential (2020)
4-stars is the kindest I can be. Somewhere, Robert B Parker is rolling in his grave.
Okay, lemme be honest here. I love me some Mark Wahlberg and I love many of Peter Berg's movies, for your basic shoot-em-up mindless entertainment. I do. No film snobbery here.
BUT, OMG, this is NOT Spenser. I've read all the Spensers and yes, I watched the series with Robert Urich and Avery Brooks (surprisingly good) and this movie has NOTHING, NOTHING remotely like Spenser. Gone is the fantastic wit and repartee between Spenser and Hawk, which makes the books. Gone is the fact that these are two "hard men" in the traditional sense. Hawk projects quiet lethal force, everywhere he goes and is an intellectual that hides it under his "OG" persona. Spenser cooks and has other endeavors. They both lift heavy (at the beginning of the series) and toughen their bodies, BECAUSE they are hard men. Not pushovers and NOT guys who get "beat up a lot."
Hawk is not some wanna-be convict MMA fighter. He's a tough man who will kill you as soon as look at you--but he has another side. Spenser is the same--a tough guy that can be witty--but his capability for violence is always RIGHT there.
It's not some hamfisted buddy movie COMEDY. I am horribly disappointed in this film and honestly, if Peter Berg were standing in front of me, I'd smack him. It had everyone it needed--right actors (mostly), right director, right screenwriter, but WHAT HAPPENED? Honestly, this was sooooo bad.
And I'm sorry, but the black guy--being big isn't the same as being lethal. Yes, Hawk was large, but he just isn't the right guy for the job. He should have watched Avery Brooks' portrayal. Sorry--I'm sure he's a great actor, but he was all wrong for this.
Please don't make another, it will just bring me to tears.
Chilling Adventures of Sabrina (2018)
Oh, Sabrina Season 3, what hath thou wrought? So sad...
BUMMER. The first two seasons of Sabrina were cute and watchable. Fun and all that. But suddenly, S3 is just AWFUL. First, for some reason, they're singing and performing in every episode. They're not so uber-talented that this is a divine pleasure, sports fans.
Secondly, OMG, Sabrina?! WTH happened to your character? She's faced with all these crises, over and over, in S3, some earth-shatteringly important (no pun!), and every 5 seconds, she's complaining to someone "but what about NICK?!" NICK, NICK, NICK...it's as though she hasn't a brain in her head. Sure, she's a 17-y.o. or whatever, but even a 16-17y.o. can see that some things are more important than her Boyfriend.
It's really irritating this year. I wish that they hadn't ruined it. Oh, and of course, I nearly forgot--the ubiquitous WOKE stuff. Of course, the whole Suzie-Theo plotline--some gender-neutral, non-binary stuff which we all get shoved down our throats, AGAIN. And again and again and again. I can't wait to see Disney eat Netflix's lunch. Go ahead and keep lecturing me, Netflix. I'm sure that my subscription fees won't matter to you.
October Faction (2020)
Another great concept with good source material, ruined by "lecture-tainment."
I probably don't need to list all the PC/Woke garbage that infects and ruins this show. Mixed-race family (of course!), mixed-race kids (ditto), racism shoved in your face in the very first episode ("remember me, the ONLY black kid in school?"), a gay kid being ramrodded through coming out, and on and on and on.
But almost worse--almost--are the incredibly obnoxious teenagers. I mean, I became furious at them, at some point, saying that if MY kids spoke to me like that, they'd be lucky to not be grounded, phoneless, etc., for months. I mean, that snotty rotten girl, speaking "down" to her father, for "using violence?" These two entitled, rich brats, have the NERVE to speak to their parents like that? What universe is THIS in?
And all this GROVELLING that the parents do, for "lying" to their kids. Oh, PUHLEEZE. Starting with Santa Claus, parents lie to their kids, for their kids' own sake. So what if the parents don't tell the kids what they do? In what universe are CHILDREN entitled to know what their parents do? In what universe are parents ANSWERABLE to their kids? Utter crap.
I'm trying to get through this, because there's so little on right now, but I'm actually rooting for the kids to be killed, so I don't have to see them any longer. And Netflix--get your woke head out of your nethers. We do NOT WANT Lecture-tainment. We're not interested. You are PUSHING people to Disney, which will stick with entertainment, not unwanted lectures.
Deputy (2020)
Once again, great idea ruined by absurd Hollyweird politics. You've been warned.
Yup...I have liked Stephen Dorff and I was SOOO looking forward to this. I like the actress that played the driver/bodyguard (all 85lbs of her, which is laughable) and of course, she's gay. Or gender-fluid, or whatever the Sexuality-du-week is. And of course, the would-be Deputy/Sheriff is a liberal, who espouses how "we're all immigrants" in the first minute of the opening of the show and OF COURSE, interferes with an ICE Raid, stopping illegal immigrants from being deported. After his "driver/bodyguard" tells him "you CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE." In the future of the department, right?
Well, they've certainly made a difference to THIS show's future, that's fersure. Won't be playing at my house and I won't be lectured to by a bunch of Hollyweird Hoopleheads, most of whom claim invaluable life and work experience as being waiters and waitresses before their "big break" about what my politics and beliefs SHOULD be. In fact, I used to be FAR more liberal before Hollywood decided that they had the right to lecture me, to tell ME what I should do and think and say and vote and now, all they have to do is open their mouths and it pretty much guarantees that I'll do the opposite.
When this show tanks, I'll laugh. Same with any other show like it. Entertain me, or begone. You want to talk politics? Run for damn office. Make up your little minds, folks.
A Star Is Born (2018)
Dreadfully overrated and I was shocked to hear her singing voice...
You know, I loved the Kristofferson/Streisand version and for that matter, the two BEFORE it, dating back to almost the beginning of film. I thought, being a pretty big fan of Bradley Cooper (since American Sniper), it would be a no-brainer. But sadly, I was horribly disappointed.
Sure...the shtick about her not being great looking, that's all Gaga's own baggage, so fine. But when she started singing, originally, in the bar, and then later, I kept waiting, and waiting and waiting. Thinking that any second now, she was going to open her mouth and blow my socks off with her 'great' singing voice, right?
Like that moment in Burlesque, when Christina Aquilera does the big scene, the old "the show must go on" scene, and her mouth opens and she RIVETS you to your seat. As an older woman, Xtina, as her fans call her, had never really been on my radar, and I thought for the first 30 minutes of Burlesque, "ah, nice voice." Then she just floored me with her first "big number" in the movie.
I keep waiting for THAT moment, the moment that would show me WHY she was cast for this movie. Surely, there had to be a singer worthy of the role? yeah, she can sing, but it's nothing special. She's not Baba Streisand, not Garland, and DAMN sure not the likes of Whitney or Aquilera. I mean...are they kidding? WHY did they cast her? Just because she's not pretty? I mean, what about the chick from "The Magicians," Jade Tailor, who has an 8-octave range? And blows it out when she does? That's just ONE actress that would have been better for this than Lady Gaga, whose singing just ain't that great.
Dunno...don't get the mad love. I guess people just love Lady Gaga, but after seeing this, I would never look for any music by her. Just not...just not "blow your skirt up"-worthy at all.
Bradley Cooper, BTW, was amazing, for the half-movie that I bothered to stay for. Didn't stay in the theater for the rest, that's how bad it was.
The Protector (2018)
They tried hard, but it's pretty weak and doesn't improve in S2.
So...I wanted to love this. I felt that I should enjoy the sincerity of it, the "Hey, kids, let's put on a Show" vibe, for a Turkish-made show. I stuck with it through S1, thinking that more money from Netflix, etc., would improve it in S2, but it doesn't, and by midway through S2, you want to murder Hakan, the hero, yourself because he is just SO. DAMNED. STUPID.
He makes the same mistakes, over and over and over. No matter how many times someone betrays him, or how egregious the betrayal, old Hakan has to give them another "chance." No matter HOW MANY times his g/f screws him over, inadvertently or otherwise, yup, old Hakan takes her back. No matter how many times he screws up, he NEVER LEARNS and does the same stupid crap over and over. It's so frustrating, I actually screamed at the TV--"How could you be so effing stupid!?" I mean...that's saying something.
The dialogue is awful. Stilted and unbelievable. The fight scenes are right out of your basic High School production. The closed captioning and the dubbing are COMPLETELY different. The antiheroes are more sympathetic and likable than the "hero," who's an idiot.
Man, I really wanted to give this series a high rating, but I just can't. If this showed up on CW, or TNT, etc., you wouldn't last 30 minutes. I tried to love it, and gave it every chance, but I want to ask Netflix if they were drunk when they picked it up and high on Crack when they renewed it. Nobody can be this dumb, to think that this is "watchable" TV. It simply isn't.
Twin Peaks: The Return (2017)
At least I figured out the alleged High Ratings here on IMDb for this DRECK
Quite simply, I loved the original TP. I even like most of David Lynch's work, although not all of it. But in watching this, all I can say is, DL, either go BACK on your meds, or get OFF of your meds-- whichever is making you think that this crap is worth watching. If it gets renewed, I'll know that you obviously have the pictures of some studio boss somewhere, with a kid and a dog. And you KNOW what I mean.
The ratings? Want to amuse yourself? All those haughty 10-star ratings, saying "if you don't get it, well, go watch some drivel someplace?" Click through and look at the OTHER ratings from those folks. Oh, wait...almost NONE of them have, wait for it, any other rating or review--ever. And that one review is for TP 2017, as it happens.
You know, all these years, I've never really believed in the big Paid Reviewer conspiracy/meme that's been all over the Net--but I do now. All these inexplicable 10 ratings, for a show that is simply dreck--and wow!--all these raving fans of auteurs everywhere, have ONLY decided to review ONE SINGLE SHOW? C'mon...paid reviews, anyone? I'm surprised, IMDb--you're owned by Amazon, and I'd have thought you'd have tumbled to this by now, as you've banned it on the Mothership site.
The show is simply unwatchable. I've tried, I have, but the myriad criticisms leveled by other reviewers here are accurate--the show is slowed down to beyond boredom level. In ep 7, Lynch runs film of a guy sweeping up a bar, for TWO MINUTES, after which, the bartender answers a phone call and has a cryptic convo about 15-y.o. hookers. Two minutes? Then we have this ridiculous discussion between Henry Horne, and Ashley Judd, wasting another 5 minutes, in her office, chasing some "hum." The nonsense with Dale Cooper being a Zombie? We watch him stumble around, monosyllabic--not even knowing how to pee(??)--for WEEKS? And nobody takes him to a doc? Nobody notices that he acts like he's had a stroke? His domineering wife doesn't domineer him to a doctor?
The whole "symbolism" shtick is simply agonizing. The psuedo-60's- trippy "let's see someone's consciousness" stuff is, well, 50 years old. If I see one more distorted-convo crap, I'll shoot my TV. And, of course, Lynch HAD TO put himself in there, as Deaf Albert, which wasn't that damn amusing originally, much less now.
What a SHAME. I was dying to see this show...now I'm dying to never see it again. It's simply horrible. I literally cannot see any sane studio exec in charge of properties greenlighting this. I'm sure it sounded like a great idea--who wouldn't think so, reinvigorating TP, right, the cultural phenom of the 90's?--but this is NOT what anyone expected. The only thing that this has to do with TP is ripping off the same characters and same actors. Even the shtick--like the ever- idiotic Lucy--is old and tired. Watching Lucy flip backwards in her chair, because she's "scared" that the Sheriff walks in, while talking to her ON the phone, after a quarter century of cellphones? Oh, come ON. Lucy was naive, and sweet, and not bright, but she wasn't a moron.
Enough. DL, retire gracefully from the field. This was an egregious misstep.
Legion (2017)
Have a high threshold of boredom? You're in luck--this show's for you!
And yet another show that makes me wonder what all the other reviewers watched, those who raved about it. I was really waiting for this, and despite plowing through not one, not two, not three, but nearly four entire episodes, I finally gave up. Watching the same scenes, over and over and over...nyeh. Not for me. I understand the plot line; (despite the rather condescending reviewer here that said that those who didn't like the show probably didn't understand it....) I'm just utterly un-entertained by the way the premise is presented.
****SPOILERS, MAYBE!****
Yup, I get it. The hero thought he was nuts, but he's not. He's a massively powerful mutant with a boatload of personalities, and apparently, each one has a different power or powers. Yawn. Problem is, I've been so deliberately bored by the idiocy of TPTB that created this P.O.S., I no longer CARE if he can move things with his mind, or his d**k. The whole "oh, his mind won't allow us to see..." yeah, great. Not four bloody episodes worth of great.
It's a little bit like...like, David Lynch decided to do a bad Fellini impression, and this is it. Quick cuts to scenes that make no sense, or worse, no difference; watching the same scene over again, from a different viewpoint (which gives you...NOTHING!); the constant, and I mean, CONSTANT drumbeat by the adults in the show that "he's the most powerful mutant we've ever SEEN!," and so on...maybe if you're wildly enamored of his comics, then Legion will entertain you. Or, you already love the character, in the comics, so you'll watch this incredibly tedious origin story...dunno. But me?
Nope, I'm off to plant grass in a little plastic bowl for my cats. Then I'll sit around and watch it grow. THAT will be more intriguing and interesting than this show, sad to say.
Patriot (2015)
Incredibly Tedious. If you have paint drying--watch that instead, because it's better.
I just do NOT get the alleged love for this series. Interestingly, despite it "opening wide" on Amazon Prime, there are only a handful of reviews here--most from the Preview episode from last Fall.
We tried, we did. After all, it's not as though the Great Wasteland that is TV is smothered with quality watching. We didn't even finish the first episode. We watched about 75-80%, and finally couldn't take any more and switched it off. The inanity, alone, of thinking that ANY intelligence agency would use this loser (or his brother) for work, is absurd. This jackass tootles around, ignoring calls from his handler-- his father, more nonsense--and rides a mechanical bull while writing and singing possibly the WORST folk songs since my next-door neighbor's son used to sing in harmony with his Siamese Cat. Truly, truly, awful folk songs.
As usual, the aggressive, pushy father keeps his son working; his brother is a chunky loser (who somehow became a Congressman...), the loving wife sits at home, awaiting her Lochinvar...and man, NOTHING. HAPPENS. It's like Waiting for Godot, without the interesting parts.
I would never accuse reviewers of being paid, but I'm damned if I can figure out how the hell this thing got such glowing reviews. Comparing this to the Coen Brothers is absolutely scandalous heresy. Sure, it's like the Coen Brothers' movies, if you take out all the witty dialogue, remove any interesting characters, completely obliterate ANY discernible plot line, and deliberately subject your viewers to tedium. Who does that?
Not for me. And probably not for you, if you have anything more interesting to do than watching paint dry.
Mystery Woman: At First Sight (2006)
Sorry, but this is really insipid watching
I was tootling around stations one night, and saw these "Mystery Women" movies on the Hallmark HD station. So, being a fan of mysteries, and needing something that I knew would be "cozy," I recorded this one and another. I even stuck around long enough to try to start this one, but...I can't imagine tuning these in on purpose.
All of the most fundamental dreadful movie-making things happen here. Other posters have pointed out that the plot points happen utterly irrationally. e.g., the heroine deciding in the space of five minutes that she just HAS TO go find her birth-mother. (No mention of Dad, by the way). She and her ditz lawyer friend dig up Mum's location in less time that it takes me to write this review- -utterly daft--and off she goes. She leaves her majordomo ex-spy, ex-spook, ex-commando, hacker, genius, etc., guy, Clarence Williams III, in charge of her store, and off she goes. She of course finds good old mum in minutes, and, of course--Mum's just being arrested for ...MURDER.
The things that happen that are just cringe-worthy are things hardly related to the bad plotting. Extras walk, extra-slow, through every scene. (Can't afford enough extras to populate the town, so, those we DO have--walk slowly!) It's painful to watch--like those awful, self-conscious 8th Grade plays that your untalented kid put on for your cringing entertainment. The heroine apparently NEVER works in her own store; she closes it constantly, or leaves it to Mr. Spy-versus-Spy to run. The idea that this guy would work, for HER, is simply laughable. She plays a 22, 24 year-old like "girl," when she's obviously nearer to 40. Little baby-doll tops, goofy pants...geeze.
There's the ubiquitous police chief, who doesn't ARREST her for meddling, or being at the scene of EVERY murder in town; he gives her an obligatory half-hearted lecture each time, and that's it. She has the usual, "I'm going to stick my nose in here and nobody is going to punch me in it, or tell me to bugger off, like real people would" thing going on, and she's not REMOTELY as believable as Jessica Fletcher--that should tell you something.
The DA BFF is just...annoying. She passed law school? In what universe? The universal law school of Ditzery? She dresses like an underpaid weather girl on the smallest local station in the US--her clothes look like Walmart castoffs. AND...no brains demo'ed here at all.
It's just AWFUL. I used to think that the SciFi channel had dreadful movies, but this caps the pile. Even more so than the "Woman in Jeopardy of the Week" Lifetime Movies, which I tried a few times and then gave up as simply unwatchably bad. Now this station is apparently where TV actresses who have outgrown any possible real network or movie success go to act out their years.
Yes, this movie had the aforementioned Clarence Williams and the guy who played Pete, from the Mod Squad, reunite. At least those two didn't look like they were cut from cardboard, stiffly walking in uber-slow baby steps across the screen.
Just...DREADFUL. I'm surprised that there is more than one of these. REALLY surprised. You gotta have mighty low standards to watch this through. *MIGHTY LOW.*
Jessica Jones (2015)
Boooo-ooooo-rrrrrrrrrrr--iiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnngg
OMG...I can't tell you how disappointed I was in this. Huge Marvel fan, and I really liked, albeit didn't love, Daredevil, also created by/for Netflix.
The first "tell" is that Melissa Rosenberg (Twilight saga producer and director, anyone?) is the producer and creator for this, and if that just made you throw up in your mouth a little--run, do not walk away from this. First, sure, it's a female action adventure heroine; but that doesn't mean that the whole d**n show has to be all women, all the time! It's absurd--like there are no male characters to be had, that don't exist either for sex or as a side story. The best character is, as already mentioned by dozens of other reviewers, played by David Tennant. I can always watch him chew up the scenery, that's for sure.
However, the storyline is just TORTURED. I mean, sure, hero has adversary, hero chases adversary, hero has setbacks. But in this series, the heroine is either stupid, or the writers are--take your pick. She seems to NOT learn, repeatedly. She makes the same error, over and over. Sure, she's a drunk, but stupid?
The next obvious and HUGE problem is: if you can be controlled, absolutely, by some a$$hat, using his VOICE, you should either be smart enough NOT to get near him, or, for the love of heaven, SHOOT HIM. Now, I realize that most Marvel heroes don't run around shooting people; but by episode 9-10, if not earlier, it's starting to IRK you as a watcher, as it seems a perfectly obvious solution.
The ubiquitous Hollywood stereotypes are also there; a gay couple (of course!). Now, if LGBT folks comprise 4% of the population, they must be 100% of Hollywood, because it seems like every new show has as a main character or characters a gay couple or bi couple or whatever. (If you saw that other god-awful Netflix show, with the other enhanced people--the telepaths--you know what I mean when I say, "whatever.") What bothers me about THIS stereotype, however, is that the tough female attorney is, OF COURSE, a lesbian. It's as if the same woman who piloted TWIFRIGHT can't imagine that tough women can be straight, and it's bloody offensive to those of us who are both tough and straight females.
I watched all the episodes, prior to writing this review, because a) I wanted to be fair, and b) I kept thinking, "Netflix, Marvel, this will get better." But it doesn't. It just languishes and drags. It's simply badly made. Like the Twilight movies, it's made overly long by lagging plot-lines and crap dialogue.
There's also a major plot-hole, that makes no sense to me; at one point, the Scoobies (the good guys, such as they are) find out that the villain's father can construct an "antidote" to the villain's evil powers, right? Well, the idiots all walk into what is unarguably a trap, knowing it is...and the next thing the viewer knows, the father is now making a potion that will super-strength the villain. The antidote seems to simply disappear, which makes NO sense. The obvious plan would have been to give a dollop of the ANTIDOTE to the father, before going into the trap, knowing that the villain would snatch HIM. But not only do they not do this--bear in mind, the antidote is already made!--but it simply evaporates out of the story-line, as if it never existed. Hunh? What, now the heroine is not the only stupid person, but the viewers are expected to be, as well?
Until the very last scene of the Big Confrontation, nobody has the brains to wear ear protection. DUH. It's just insipid. I feel embarrassed for the creators and authors behind Marvel's Jessica Jones comic, after watching this.
Lastly: almost none of the characters were likable, or even remotely tolerable. The twin-sibling neighbors are beyond irksome and somewhat twisted. When one dies, the other becomes a dangerous PITA. The former junkie neighbor, however, is both a decent actor and a not-bad character. The two gay women are at least mostly realized characters, if stupid stereotypes. Luke Cage is fairly well done, but (like the Twilight people!) his emotional swings seem more like menopause then a normal (or enhanced) person's feelings.
So..nope, won't ever watch this again. Just sad and borderline dreadful. You've been warned.
Show Me a Hero (2015)
Beyond Tedious; brilliantly-acted but not worth the time
I'm a HUGE David Simon fan. Will read anything he's written (yes, I read the Corner, all 800-some-odd pages of it), and watch anything he produces. Homicide, The Wire, you-name-it. But I feel that he completely lost the plot here, no pun intended. The overall theme seems to be "integration and giving poor people houses in middle-class residential neighborhoods that don't want them is GOOD." I wondered, half-way through this (still determined to watch it in its entirety, because, hey, David Simon, right?) if Obama had picked up the phone and called HBO, saying, "hey, couldja find a book to convert into a series about forced low-income housing, and how great it all worked out, because I'm getting ready to jam that issue nationwide down the throats of other residents," rather than anyone in their right mind thinking that this was worthwhile *as entertainment.*
****SPOILERS START BELOW*****
Was it worthwhile as, perhaps, a documentary? Sure--in about 1/6th of the time. Watching it for SIX HOURS simply to watch a real-life character disintegrate? And that's the "hero" of the show? Uh...???? The mayor--the guy who gets nominated for the JFK Profile In Courage award, self-destructs and eventually suicides. There's really no correlation, unless you want to assume that the only reason this guy didn't have a meteoric rise is because the evil councilmen hosed him on the housing issue.
Which, mind you, he didn't actually CHAMPION. He just elected (yes, intentional pun) NOT to fight it because a) the City of Yonkers would go bankrupt if he didn't, and b), I think from the subtext that he didn't want to be sued, personally, if he didn't support it. He was elected, in fact, not because he CHAMPIONED the housing--but because he campaigned AGAINST it. So...sorry, where's the heroism here? If anything, the council people that fought it, even if utterly in the wrong, were more heroic because they stuck to their guns. They didn't switch horses in midstream, just because it was politically expedient. The entire award nomination was utter Political Correctness.
Which--if you're watching with an educated and critical eye--is sort of the theme of the entire show. Political correctness run amok. Yes, a perfectly normal middle-class neighborhood is torn apart, in order to forcibly slam low-income housing right in the middle of it, in townhome groupings in something like 28 locations. The neighbors--even without being remotely bigoted (not to say that they weren't, but as a property owner) are vehemently opposed, as it will affect their property values.
Throughout, the predominantly or all-white residents are effectively all portrayed as EVIL, except for the ONE resident who "sees the light" and decides to welcome the newcomers. Not one of the existing residents is shown as a perfectly normal person who would, quite naturally, have misgivings about what low-income housing, across the street from them, will do to their own property values. Nope--they were all stereotypical ranting bigots. {sigh}
ALL the residents are low-income women of color with no man in the house, and with multiple children. (Stereotypes much?). Again, sure, it's story-telling, and by definition, has to be condensed and compressed, but--no pun intended-there are no shades of grey here. All the low-income residents are good; all the opponents are BAD. Only the mayor who changes his stance--not by choice, mind you--is "good."
The performances are great. No doubt. But none--NONE--of the characters are particularly likable. The mayor is not. The council people basically all suck. The poor families have the only really likable characters. Again...stereotyping.
It's just...it's a 60 minute tale, at MOST, bloated and inflated out to six hours. There aren't any heroes here, ironically. Rather than an enjoyable story that carries a moral lesson, it's a moral lesson and political and sociological stance forcibly rammed down your viewing throat, disguised as a story. And that disguise isn't very good.
If you waste your time, don't say you weren't warned.
Jamaica Inn (2014)
Dismal and Abysmal
Flipped this on, on Acorn--thrilled to see a Du Maurier tale, which is a nice break from the usual dreck...or so I thought. This was, simply and positively AWFUL. I don't know what dream team dreamt this up, but it dragged on, and on, and on. It held no suspense (is there anyone alive who didn't know who the "fiendish culprit" was, in the first third of it?), the characters had as much charisma as a plate of old salmon, and the dialog was beyond comprehension. I'm accustomed to using closed-captioning for everything, so, no: it wasn't the hideously bad accents, nor the dreadful voice-overs (really? In this day and age, that's the best that they could do?), nor the grotesque overacting by every single member of the cast, save the young actor playing Jem Merlyn. It was logy, and there wasn't anything to do to save it.
The continuity errors were painful to watch--the mud-drenched heroine's hemline, popping up-down-up-down, as if she walked through a mystical dry-cleaners while slogging from the dreadful Inn to the Moors. The over-reliance, by the DOP on the darkness to set the mood, rather than actual interior shots or, gods forfend, ACTING. It's got that ridiculously dark "modern" feel to it, as if Dark Shadows had sex with some soap opera and out popped a "gritty" movie. YAWN.
When I realized that Acorn had stupidly only put 2 of the 3 "episodes" up for viewing, I honestly didn't know whether to be vexed or relieved that I wouldn't have to watch the last third. What's left to know, after the second part, other than slogging through the now non-existent denouement? I hope that the actress (who played Lady Sybil Crawley) certainly didn't leave Downton Abbey for this piece of drivel--her career should, I'd hope, survive, in SPITE of this, but it's no thanks to her acting in this. I watched her "emote" several facial expressions that were incomprehensible to me--and I know the story line. Given how ridiculously over-long this is, they should have been able to provide some character depth, but didn't. It's ironically both too long (by half, mind you) and yet too shallow at the same time.
Inexplicably bad. The Seymour version, albeit sort of "Made for Lifetime Movie-ish," and overwrought, is better than this. Better yet, stick with the novel. If you do flip it on, don't say you haven't been warned. I don't know what version the "crackling with tension" reviewer was watching, but maybe he had a battery charger hooked up to his chair and was jolting himself every 5 minutes. THAT would be less torturous than watching this again, or even finishing it.