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cnoonward
Reviews
Come Play (2020)
Hard pass
I liked the premise of the movie and the cast but at some point midway through the film I just wanted the monster to end it quickly. Instead, it felt like needless pain and suffering was being sadistically inflicted on the viewers until you're left feeling like another victim of the film's monster.
Solid acting by the child actors outshine their adult counterparts who offer at times two dimensional and cliched horror film performances prompting you to yell at the TV that "no one would act like that in real life". If there was a tool shed full of knives in the middle of a cemetery you can rest assured the main characters would see that as an ideal hiding place in this film. Enjoy!
Ledokol (2016)
Like Das Boot..
...If it were made in your mom's basement by five year olds. Sponsored by the Russian Fur Coat Association, starring a poor man's Colin Farrell and a lush headed Christopher Heyerdahl, this is an impressive study in the art of overdub featuring a single actor performing the voices of all characters. At times like a confused first table reading of soap opera and at others like an insurance pamphlet read aloud. The crew is ruthlessly pursued by an I'll tempered iceberg stalking them slowly while the crew throws a marathon ugly Christmas sweater / track suit party. Plot spoiler: nothing happens, however..
random sub-plots will keep you on the edge of your seat:
A dog barks then steals a sandwich
A man hordes sugar cubes
A sadistic captain does a Peter Townsend impression
An random lady sees a gynaecologist
Men in leather coats make menacing threats
How will it end? Only one thing is certain, not soon enough.
First Signal (2021)
This made me want to punch my TV
Basically a bunch of randos in a hotel conference room improvising a script. Community theatre level acting and production. Full disclosure... I couldn't watch move than 7 minutes before shutting it down.
Out for Justice (1991)
Oscar material
Pre-girdle Seagal does his part to reinforce Italian stereotypes driving around with a fake accent spinning tangental yarns about the old days in the neighborhood.
Seagal prowls around Brooklyn with a ponytail and a shotgun on the hunt for a coked up psycho. Along the way he delivers sadistic beat downs on every fat dirtbag he meets. He also saves a dog.
Apocalypse of Ice (2020)
Finally a the cure for the virus!
Like sharknado without the sharks.. or nado..
We have a new contender in the 'so bad it's good' category! This film will have you rooting for either the virus or global warming to take out the cast. In a standout performance, Tom Sizemore literally phones it in. In contrast to her costar Torrey Richardson delivers a sheer 90 minutes of panicked hysteria at a level uncommon for a main protagonist while Ramiro Leal on the other hand almost seems to sleepwalk his way through it. The action will have you on the edge of your seat as our heroes face one playground level challenge after another. This slow boil of a movie will have you wishing for a quick and merciful end but you will not be so lucky. Next level special effects give this masterpiece a blockbuster feel on a clearly shoestring budget. You'll be intrigued until the final frame as you're treated to the slowest credits roll in film history almost as if to say 'you did it...you made it to the end'