Change Your Image
getmeagasmask
Reviews
The Last Airbender (2010)
Stunning, Jaw-Dropping.... In the WORST way!!
When I first began watching Avatar: The Last Airbender on Nickelodeon, it took some coercing from my friends to do it. I hadn't watched cartoons for a loooong time, but as soon as I saw one or two episodes, I found a deep maturity in the cartoon and could only agree when other fellow college-aged people raved about it (compared to laughing at them playfully, as I used to). Thus, as soon as I found out a movie was being released, I was excited. I was on board with everyone else to go and see the epic, enrapturing cartoon on the big screen.
I will not forgive you, M. Night Shyamalan. Now, I'd seen some of Shyamalan's other films, and they sucked. So, when I learned about the Airbender movie, I was expecting this big turn around from him, for him to realize he could make a new, good name for himself.
It was likely less than half an hour into the movie that my excitement and expectations for the movie were crushed. And I mean, crushed. The acting was poor in almost every case, and throughout the movie I almost found it laughable. Now, I'm not just saying that because of some resentment about the "racist" casting, because of course like any fan I expected the main characters to at least resemble their cartoon counterparts.... No, I'm saying it because it was. It was cheesy, and couldn't be taken seriously. OH, and what the heck was up with changing the pronunciation of all the characters' names??? Honestly I can give a little understanding if you couldn't find good enough actors that resembled the cartoon ones, but there was NO reason to change the name pronunciations! I just don't get that! And why leave out an important main character from the series?? Also, the movie skimmed over parts that were monumental in the cartoon series and focused on parts that Shylaman probably thought he could get the best action sequences out of. And even then, those scenes were littered with cheesy slow-mo moments and were not NEARLY as good as they looked in the commercials. In fact, they seemed different as portrayed in the trailers! The scenes of bending consisted of what soon became an obnoxious amount of whimsical hand movements followed by actual evidence of bending. At one point I whispered to my friend, "First they dance. Then they bend." It was SO annoying.
All the moments in between the deeply disappointing battle scenes left no room to be forgiven. In-film narration can only work in some cases if it's done properly, and this wasn't a good case. The lines? Some of those I don't even know what the people were the thinking! The scenes themselves were poorly written. Character development was awful. If you haven't watched the cartoon, you'll have a hard time figuring out this film. If you have, you'll still have a hard figuring it out... figuring out how it could be so deeply butchered!
The only good thing I can say is that the special effects were good, yes (though I've definitely seen better concerning 3D, but just in general they were good)... and I do have to admit the actor for Aang probably fit the bill better than anyone else could. Otherwise, don't expect much.
If you are a fan of A:TLA, do not see this! Do NOT give M. Night Shylaman your money, because he has done terrible things to an amazing cartoon series. If you're not a fan of the A:TLA series, don't bother. Really. Don't.
Wait for it to come out on DVD if you really want to see it. It is not worth your money!!
Epic Movie (2007)
I am completely nauseated
I'm not kidding, I am. This is the second-worst movie I have ever had the extreme disgusted displeasure of being exposed to (the first being Recon 2020). This movie was not funny at all, and trust me when I say it's easy to get me to laugh... rather, the closest I came to laughing was at how pathetic the film was, but laughing while watching Epic Movie would be incredibly painful so I avoided it for my health.
Epic Movie is like the Scary Movie series and Date Movie, only one hundred kajillion (and I haven't used that number since kindergarten) times worse. It's a compilation of spoof after spoof that tries so hard that it burns the eyes and ears. The main spoof focuses on Chronicles of Narnia, and that's about as solid as the movie gets... that solidness being equivalent to pudding.
Stay away from this movie, for the love of God, Buddha, and The Great Pumpkin Man. You will sincerely regret watching this disaster and will have wasted any money on it. This movie doesn't even deserve to be on pirating sites, it's such an atrocity. After painful attempts of what I assume are jokes, over-acting, and overall poor filming, this is a gigantic and violently repulsive excuse of a film.
Blank Check (1994)
If not a guilty pleasure for you, expect a child's Disney movie (and nothing else)
The summary says it all. Blank Check is just one of those movies.
The story follows Preston, a young boy who obsesses over money just as quickly as he spends it. One day Preston is riding his bike around, and thus the story begins. He's struck by a car, and although he's okay the driver hands him a blank check to avoid any trouble. Preston goes ahead and fills in one million dollars for that check and manages to cash it and purchase a house and several other excessively self-indulgent items. The man who hit Preston, Quigley, has a darker and more dangerous history and is far from happy when he realized one million is missing from a money scandal he's involved in. The story follows Preston as his greed with money leads him down a tunnel that grows only deeper and deeper. As he makes up lies for spending so much time at a mansion that his parents don't realize he owns and manipulates others around him, Quigley embarks on a journey to hunt down the man (or boy) that took his money.
Blank Check is not realistic and is completely implausible in real life. We all have our own little guilty pleasure movies, whether its Spice Girls or Power Rangers or Rugrats or Blank Check. If this movie doesn't become one of those guilty pleasures, chances are you won't enjoy it and will find it shallow and worthy of several "Oh, yeah right"s.
Needless to say, this is a good family film. Any parents out there should be able to put up with it and kids 12 and under will probably enjoy it.
I Am Legend (2007)
Climbs to a near-peak, then crashes down in away that is nearly heartbreaking
As we all (well, most of us know), I Am Legend is a remake. Countless thrillers that I've seen have left me with a poor impression on remakes, but come on, I Am Legend seemed so incredibly epic when I first saw the trailer, then later the commercials. So last night I went out to see it.
The movie, as shown by the commercials, is basically that everyone on the planet dies save Dr. Robert Neville (Will Smith). The film does not begin with the story of the downfall of earth and Robert's experience through that; all of that is revealed through Robert either watching old tapes he made of the news or in flashbacks. That's okay though, because the movie is interesting enough from the beginning that you don't even notice. It definitely is amazing and chilling to watch Robert as he goes through his day-to-day life in NYC as the only human in existence. The city's streets are cracked with weeds pushing their way through cement , some buildings are wrapped in plastic, cars are jammed on the roads in a way that tells the audience that they were abandoned in a frenzy. His faithful dog, Sam accompanies him and in my opinion seriously added an excellent touch to the film. However, Robert is living amongst these sort of cannibalistic, super-strong, super-agile, zombie-like creatures (think 28 Days/Weeks Later) that only come out at night and are burned by sunlight. Besides busying himself with hunting for food and waiting around hopefully for any other survivors, Robert works studiously in his lab, testing on animals and all the infected humans to try and find a cure. Now for the bad stuff... Now, without saying TOO much, two other people are introduced into the story. However, there is basically NO character development on their part, and by the end of the movie the audience couldn't care less about them. Speaking of the ending, it was a gigantic disappointment. This is one of the top let-downs I've witnessed, seriously. If perhaps the characters and story were given more time to develop, and many things were explained (because there were several holes in this movie, there were many things that needed explanations but were often forgotten) then perhaps the ending would have been more satisfying. The ending was obviously intended to like, "Wow, that's beautiful." Yeah, it isn't./ I Am Legend is everything it's hyped up to be in the beginning. After that, don't keep your expectation up too high. It just isn't worth it.
Spice World (1997)
Only meant for a limited audience
In comparison to the world's population, a negligible percent of people will find this movie enjoyable. Who are these people, you ask? Before you see this movie, take this short and simple survey: 1. Are you a female or particularly flamboyant male? 2. Were you born in the time period of 1986-1991?
If you've answered "No," to any of the above questions, avoid this movie at all costs. You will be revolted and maybe a little disturbed. But hey, if you answered "Yes" to those questions, chances are you've already seen the Spice Girls more than once. You remember that they were a huge hit, that Spice Girls paraphernalia drowned girlish child and tweenie stores, and that you and your best friends would pretend you were the Spice Girls during recess and argue about who got to be Baby Spice. If you answered "Yes," chances are Spice Girls still retains that touch of magic it always has. What is the "touch"? Who can be sure. Perhaps it's the fact those Spice Girls kicked butt, that their clothes were cool, that they came out on top, those neat accents (if you didn't grow up in the UK), their awesome clothes, and those completely addictive songs that were the most fun to sing during slumber parties. It is what it is. That being said, for all you "No," people, the Spice Girls is not going to have the same memories or magic touch for you. Though I can't directly relate, I can imagine it being an obnoxious, shallow, unstable, and undeniably annoying movie destined for kindergarten girls.
Because Spice Girls will always be THE Spice Girls to me, I'm giving it a 7.
Power Corps. (2004)
This movie will make you homicidal or suicidal
I have never been so utterly disgusted with a film in my entire life.The entire movie I maintained the same expression-- brows furrowed, mouth hanging open, eyes squinted in disbelief. It is a blatant INSULT to the entire effing planet that some sociopath ignoramus decided to bring this torturous abomination to film. During the movie, you will want to vomit so frequently that you will want to make sure that you stay clear of any therapists for a week; they'll ask if you're bulimic. This vile, stinking, pile of garbage is basically about these idiotic military troopers who battle sci-fi monsters on an alien planet. And that's as far as the plot goes. All of you sad souls trying to give the movie little bits of credit, of approving nods... were you an acid? Perhaps in some pitiful, desperate attempt to be "cool," the movie had a few nude scenes. The first was right after opening credits, and this is when I suddenly realized I had begun to watch one of the worst movies of all time. The guy and girl appear to be on some metal platform in space, and for the love of god, I must say... pure shame on whoever was in charge of the backdrop for this scene, it made me want to stab my eyes out. Can I be any more clear? If you value your sanity and want to stay out of the psychiatric ward, stay away from this movie. If you see a DVD of it, help make the world a better place and set it on fire. If the store that was selling the DVD catches on fire too, then it serves them right for ever having the notion that this movie was worth ANYTHING.
Two Came Back (1997)
Unrealistic.... yet...
Two Came Back is a nifty little movie about some young adults who find themselves at the mercy of the ocean and sun as they float on a life raft after their ship goes down. Two Came Back isn't really a movie to get worked up over, or dedicate an entire night too. It's really the kind of movie where you have some free time, you want to relax, you want to grab those potato chips and onion dip and relax on the sofa with a cold soda and find something decent on television. This movie is that decent thing you're looking for; though not amazing, not even great... Two Came Back isn't bad and is a substantial watch. The movie is unrealistic, and I'm not saying its impossible (I didn't read about the true story but I don't deny it), but if you've been sitting on a dinky rubber raft under constant sun for days and days, you're not going to just get a few new sun freckles, sexy tan, and chapped lips. You're gonna be red as a lobster, there's going to be white residue around your lips... the fact that the movie depicted the young adults as merely whimpering for water after days and days of no shade or drink is highly unrealistic, and even still they would've been in worse mental states and other bad physical conditions. Don't let this ruin it for you, though. Once it's done, you'll turn off the television, sit for a minute, maybe rub a few crumbs off your stomach, and feel at least a little content. I don't recommend spending your money on it though; usually a TV station will show it every once in a while.
Death Sentence (2007)
Involving and Resonating
Death Sentence begins with what the audience can assume are the Hume's home videos-- they begin with the boys, Brendan and Lucas, at young ages and slowly progress until their recent years. As you watch, you can see that Brendan is in many more of the videos and is the "Golden Boy"; a top athlete, and a real dad's son whereas Lucas seems more sensitive and closer with his mom. The movie really begins when Nicholas Hume (Bacon) hits a gas station in a rough part of town. His son is murdered, leaving Nicholas in a place he's never been. Honestly, the movie did a great job portraying the strong bond between father and son, and the grief shared by the family was played out incredibly well, giving the heartstrings a real tug (the last movie I was holding back tears at was Braveheart). When Hume learns a life sentence isn't plausible for the character, due to limited evidence and witnesses, Hume decides to take matters into his own hands. A parent out for revenge, he manages to get on the bad side of a dangerous gang. A very bad side. As the gang pursues him, Hume works hard to save himself which only makes the "war" even worse. When his family is threatened, Hume realizes that he's created something that may be too big to swallow. However, Hume is determined and decides he won't stop until he's dead-- him, or the gang. The gore is bearable for those with a weak stomach, though those who went to the movie hoping for nonstop action and shoot-outs will be disappointed because the movie also takes time to develop and portray the emotions all the characters are feeling, from the bad guys to the good guys. The movie does an excellent job with the transformation of Hume as he goes from the mild-mannered family guy to a vengeful murderer. I found it a good balance-- good character development and portrayal, a good plot that isn't lost due to constant shooting scenes, emotionally involving, and a good portion of violence. It's also a movie that will stick with you even after the credits are done rolling. As I said though, this movie isn't focused on either far end of the stick-- don't go expecting pure action, and don't go expecting something filled with pure dialog and drama.
Transformers (2007)
The action scenes are the only parts worth it...
Undoubtedly, "Transformers" presents some high-action sequences with amazing special effects, but there weren't enough of them to make the movie. The story follows a boy, Sam (Shia), as he discovers his car is a robot, and he's been entwined in a robot war that began thousands of years ago. Along his adventures of trying to control the chaotic, but good, robot team that's protecting him and helping him "save the human race," he's run into the sexy Mikaela (Megan). The two, backed by their robot comrades, look for Sam's great- grandfather's glasses (which were encrypted with a secret message) and the "cube" (the key to earth's survival), all while trying to annihilate the (so to speak) bad robots. The movie poorly developed Mikaela, only leaving her to be a seemingly shallow girl that eventually follows for the dorky boy (Sam) that everyone hated-- however, her script was so weak that it doesn't matter what she does, she was really put in their for her looks. She comes into the movie as a lacking character and the movie ends that way as well. Oh, and of course, the movie had to make her have some sort of "troubled past" for her to add a little depth and "Wow she is more than meets the eye". It was so unnecessary though that it was just an eye-roller. Shia's character, Sam, is better developed and easier to connect with. Though the movie does well in many aspects, the fact that the Transformers are a children's toy does show through in the movie with corny parts that would make 8-year-old boys laugh, not to mention the cheesy little "We protect" speech at the end. The biggest action parts are at the end and the beginning-- look forward to those. However, the camera is s shaky and jerky that sometimes it's difficult to understand what's going on. 4 stars for the action.
House of Wax (2005)
A satisfying movie, perfect for any day
Alright-- you've seen Paris Hilton in the trailer and saw her face on the DVD case, but rest assured this movie is well worth a watch. Paris' purposely humorous appearances in the movie are minor, and her acting isn't horrible. Her part plays in the balance with the little romance fling, which is minimal but still adds to the movie nicely. There are parts that jump out at you and there is pleasant suspense, and even a little bit of family trouble is thrown in between Carly (Elisha Cuthbert) and her brother (Chad Michael Murray); all of this is depicted in a perfect balance that won't leave you feeling confused at the end or force you into trying to figure out a tricky plot puzzle-- it's played out and sequenced well, always leaving you in anticipation for the next scene. However, bare in mind this is a horror movie and there are some gruesome parts that will make you want to choke up your soda. If you think you've seen all the brutal gore scenes in movies, think again. This movie has scenes that the industry has never seen before and isn't too cliché. House of Wax exceeds expectations, and if you're looking for a good thrill, a substantial horror, and some stomach-knotting gore scenes, this is the movie for you. A sure- to-be classic for any horror lover.