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J-Russell
Reviews
Evil Breed: The Legend of Samhain (2003)
Not much good about this one
For your own good, it would be best to disregard any positive reviews concerning this movie. This flick STINKS. Now, I like (at least in theory) low budget horror movies, but this one makes the worst mistake a low budget flick can make: It takes itself WAY too seriously. And, unfortunately, that's not it's only problem.
It's the story of the murderous Beane clan of the British Ilses transposed to modern times. An interesting premise, but there are two things that are immediately perplexing about this film once you start watching it.
#1- Why is the biggest name on the CD box Jenna Jameson? She's a below average looking woman who can't act, and she has a minor role. ANSWER: She's apparently a well known porn star (as you no doubt read in other reviews), so I guess this is a "cameo" appearance for her. She's giving the film much needed "name recognition", it seems. Her top billing isn't any indication of her talent, though, it's an indication of how UNtalented the rest of the cast is.
#2- How can film makers be so stupid to think Canada can be passed off as Ireland? It doesn't even remotely look like Ireland. And the house that the guests/victims stay in is this great big North American wood frame Edwardian thing. They should have skipped the whole Beane theme and developed a story that took place in N.A. Also, if you're going to make a movie that takes place in Ireland, it's probably best to have more than one character with an Irish accent (and that was a REALLY REALLY REALLY BAD Irish accent.) Now,this wouldn't have been so bad if the director wasn't trying to make the next "Night of the Living Dead", but it seems he was. Too bad. He could have had some fun with it. In fact, some of the scenes weren't far from being unintentionally comedic as they were.
Like the infamous gutting scene, were the woman is chained to the table, stripped naked, and then sliced open and eviscerated. That's funny, you ask? Well, in the deleted scene version, the mutant killer pulls out mile after mile after mile of intestines. It's actually funny after awhile. And what self respecting cannibal eats intestines, anyway? Do we eat the intestines of cows and chickens? Heck no, we eat hams and ribs and drumsticks. Oh well.
Some of the other cast who were annoying: the whiny, creepy Howard Rosenstein. I'm not sure, but I THINK he was supposed to be cast as a STUD. In fact, he's as big a loser and goof ball as his name would imply. Which would explain why the character played by the equally annoying Gillian Leigh fell for him.
I checked Gillian Leigh on her link on IMDb, and apparently it's important to know that she graduated high school with honors. I can't decide if it's more amusing or pathetic to know that only a couple years after graduation, the honor student is doing nude soft-core porn scenes in a shower with a guy named Howard Rosenstein. Wonder if her former classmates have seen this movie? If they have, hopefully they'll get the message: AVOID THIS FATE! GO TO COLLEGE!!! I could go on and on, but why. If you like gore, you'll find something redeeming in this flick, but not much more.
Creepshow 3 (2006)
Oh c'mon people...LIGHTEN UP!!!
I was amused some of the negative reviews of this flick. I mean, if you rent a movie called "Creep Show III" what exactly were you expecting?? It's not like Creep Show 1 & 2 were academy award winners...or Sundance winners...or ANY kind of winners. Anyway, I had NO expectations at all going in, so I thought it was good, clean morbid fun.
There are a half a dozen vignettes, all tangentially related. One or two don't make sense, the rest are mildly amusing...if you can stand a bit of gore. The most memorable is probably the case of the security guard who has a rather unusual girlfriend. She just happens to be...a transistor radio.
Then there's the tale of a tough, muscle-bound hooker who carries a dark secret around with her in her purse. This story has the most lurid, gory scene in it: the blonde bully ties one of her clients to a bed, then straddles and rides him enthusiastically. She can't be sexually satisfied, however, until she plunges a knife into her man's chest, so that's exactly what she does. EEK! Seems HE'S got a secret that's just a wee bit darker than hers, though.
The most outrageous story is about a couple of nerdy engineering students who meet their brilliant professor's attractive young fiancée. She's supposedly from Russia, but they have their doubts. Convinced that she's merely one of his crazy robotic projects, they decide to play a little joke on their old prof. Waiting till he leaves the house on an errand, they subdue the poor woman, then commence to "disassemble" her with an assortment of kitchen knives. It's a gruesome giggle as they hold the freshly severed limbs and organs up to the light and proclaim how "realistic" they are...until it dawns on them...
Pretty low brow stuff...but that's what B movie are all about. It ain't no Bride of Frankenstein, or Night of the Living Dead, but if you're not expecting much, it's kind of fun.
Terror House (1972)
Bed and Breakfast and Barbaric Barbeque
Welcome to the Red Wolf Inn, where men are men and women are well-marbled!
If the cook at the Red Wolf tells patrons to eat more, it's only to make them bigger. And if the men at the Red Wolf ogle the attractive female guests, it's only to determine how much ham and rump roast they can get from their shapely haunches.
Healthy, young women are singled out and invited to the resort, where they are fattened (unknowingly) on the meat of previous guests. When they reach sufficient beefiness, they are harvested by the owners of the inn and served up to the current crop of guests. The unwary diners find the long pig most delicious, but with every bite, they're sealing their own fate.
Regina, the heroine of the story, is one of the guests at the inn. Will she end up like the others? Watch this weird, wacky movie and find out. Oh, and while you're at the Red Wolf, don't forget to try the drumsticks...they're fantastic!
The Creeps (1997)
Politically incorrect gem
One of the best of the low budget Horror genre, this film proves that making good movies has to do with good acting and direction, NOT money. It's actually a spoof of horror movies, combining Dracula, Frankenstein, and other classic monster characters into one story, and portraying them all (rather unfashionably) with midgets.
The story centers around an ancient mystical book, the librarian who is in charge of protecting it, and the goofy scientist who wants to steal it in order to bring evil into the world. There are lots of fun scenes and lines in the movie, a testimony to the good writing.
In one of the more amusing sequences, the librarian's pushy, blonde, amazonian boss gets her just desserts and is mistakenly kidnapped by the midgets. It's a delicious blend of comedy and horror as the big, mean woman is tied to an altar, stripped naked and, finally, offered up as a human sacrifice by the little fiends.
Will the librarian and her boyfriend meet a similar death at the hands of the tiny monsters? You should really rent the movie and find out! I recommend it.