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Reviews
I Saw the TV Glow (2024)
LoFi and low quality
A liminal nightmare for the viewer that borrows from Lynch, Aronofsky, and from Stranger Things and Five Nights at Freddies. But it never gets going, though. There is zero coherence and nothing that propels the plot forward. I would often give the creators the benefit of the doubt and conclude that they intended to create something this nonsensical but I think they missed the mark even on that. It doesn't stray from reality in a way that works and captivates, but bores and grates the senses. The main character is a deflated balloon of nothingness. Watching him is like eating paper. The female protagonist delivers a mind numbing diatribe that absolutely killed any interest I might have had in the film. What's real, what's not? Did the director even know? One of the worst movies I've ever wandered into. Good music at times and some neat shots are the only positives.
Windfall (2022)
Good little movie
I knew nothing about this film before I found it on Netflix. Much to my surprise, it wasn't that bad. The characters are well developed, the production is crisp with enough tension to keep the viewer locked in, but also enough levity, as well. The most effective component of this film is how it creates sympathy for characters. Different viewers will have a multitude of perspectives and opinions on who they side with, who disgusts them and what they hope will happen. That's excellent storytelling. You won't feel like you know what will happen since the film is off kilter from the start. I recommend this movie, and hope Netflix streams more films of this caliber. Excellent!
The Autopsy of Jane Doe (2016)
Spooky and Entertaining
The premise is good. Claustrophobic atmosphere. Strong dialogue between father and son gives it humanity. But it's not perfect. The pacing goes like this. Spooky and slow deliberate autopsy begins as unsettling and tense but shifts to absolute chaos in a blink. If you can handle this transition from true crime vibes to horror tropes galore then you'll love this movie. I could handle most of it but an intellectual development where they understand more and more about the body as the clues are revealed would be more satisfying. What happens here is the body just gets more evil and dangerous. Why this happens is only partially explained. Why didn't she ramp up the evil action earlier? She's a witch and she's not actually dead. She curses those who come near her, which is why she was buried in the first place. An interesting twist on the witch trials. This one deserved it! One thing not to be ignored is that the chosen cadaver actress was stunning, if a bit stiff.
Faithfully Yours (2022)
Please cheat on me
Imagine a movie that combines every trope from every awful lifetime film and adds a twist of modern male cuckoldry and fem power and you have this film. I called the twist immediately when they showed the all too perfect blood splattered corpse. Of course she's not dead, that's the job of the plot, the deadest thing since banging your own wife. Everything good was missing from this film, including the sideburns of the professor. I think some important sociological points were made in this film, however. Such as how often women like to be choked? But not by their husbands. No, only by the transient interloper while he's unknowingly filmed by the masochistic husband. What a man! And let this be a lesson to all you cucks out there, delete the stash unless you want your wife to stop sharing her pleasure with you. You've been warned.
The Gentlemen (2019)
Unwatchable
Rarely is my own judgement of a movie so at odds with it's overall IMDb rating, but here we are. This movie was an assault on the senses. It's like Guy Ritchie tried to every little cutesy stylistic thing he could to make it entertaining but all of it backfired. The transitions between scene often looks like PowerPoint slides changing in the late nineties. The dialogue is a flood of nonsense that is impossible to follow. The characters are moronic, like cartoon humans pulled from a low budget video game. Every bit of this movie screams 'look how cool I am!' while simultaneously being the lamest thing ever set to celluloid. Thank God I'm not alone in my hate. I'd like to know how so many managed to finish, let alone enjoy, this film. I barely made it through a half hour. It's one thing to make a bad movie, but I I make a movie that is actually painful to behold. Perhaps, that is a feat in it's own right.
The Accountant (2016)
Ben you rascal
A thoroughly enjoyable movie. It was good but also bad at the same time. Kind of hard to out my finger on it. The action is great. The mathy numbers stuff is fun. Because I mean come on, he's a autistic. He gotta be great at math! But also fighting, yeah that too. And he can barely talk to anyone, until a gorgeous lady walks in. Then he's an absolute Don Juan panty dropping machine. Let's just say he gets numbers. And leave it at that. But don't stop him from finishing his puzzle or else he'll float like a butterfly and sting like a bee. I kid. This was actually a really good movie. Easy to watch. It's not great though and I might even think it was bad. I'm conflicted. But I did cry at the end. Manipulated again by Ben. How does he do it to me!?
Wrath of Man (2021)
Well made action
This movie did a lot things right. Statham is badder than bad, in the best of the best way. The details of the story are delivered in a clear, yet time shifted, way. Guy Ritchie and the crew nailed the sound design. The shots ring clear enough to make me look out the window to make sure everything is ok. Is that Biff from Back to the Future? I'm too lazy to check. Either way, he's great in this movie, too. There's always room for a revenge tale and this is certainly that, but it's actually well made, well acted, Statham owns every second he's on the screen. I always kind of wrote him off as a Vin Diesel, not totally serious, actor. No disrespect Vin, but Statham can carry a role. He can even carry a movie. A combination of Stallone and Bruce Willis, he's a legend in the making. Just needs more u er masculine parts to play. I'll watch every one of them. Enjoy this shoot em up. It's a good one.
The Drop (2014)
Marvelous
Is it a slow burn? Perhaps. But there's a decadent crackle to this fire that keeps you focused throughout. Strong performances guide the plot from scene to scene. It never loses pace and subtly builds tension throughout the film. Hardy plays a mild mannered, measured, even tempered bartender who is caught in the midst of some real crime in the big city. If you're familiar with Tom Hardy already you probably watch this movie and assume he's capable of more than he let's on. He played Bane, after all. But this a new leaf for Thomas and there is much more to enjoy as a viewer than his excellent acting. Gandolfini carries his scenes with gravitas and power. The Boston bar bustles with believable energy and ambiance. The detectives do their job just well enough to always be a step behind. But who would want it any other way? If you've read this far I think you should definitely see this movie.
Brawl in Cell Block 99 (2017)
Invincible Vaughn
This could be a classic. The glass shards. They cut deep like the consequences of bad choices. Seeing a good man pushed to the limit to defend what he loves. Who doesn't appreciate such a tale? Here Vince Vaughn "plays" a highly principled man with a pregnant wife, one that he could have easily abandoned after infidelity. But after he loses his job he decides to take on a dangerous roll as a drug runner to possibly build enough wealth to give her and his unborn child the life they deserve. Inevitably the house of cards collapses and he is forced to battle, scratch and crawl (but mostly punch) for both of their lives from inside prison.
If you can handle seeing heads squashed like grapes and don't mind a little patriotism then go ahead watch this movie. I bet you shed a couple tears, though.
The Next Three Days (2010)
Very entertaining
Watching this movie reminded me of the 90s. Since it's now 2024 and this was made in 2010 it was actually closer to the 90s than the present day. The character transformation of Crowe from soft voiced loving husband to meth-head blasting wild man was exciting to watch. And you never feel comfortable or certain about the outcome. Creativity abounds in a highly inventive screenplay about a protagonist that goes to unbelievable lengths to save his wife from a lifetime behind bars. The dangers and difficulties, the misdirecting cat and mouse games with the police who try their best to stop a free man from enacting righteous justice, it's all dessert to the viewer. Just sit back and enjoy this popcorn flick. You'll be glad you did and maybe it will you remind you of what movies should do for the viewer. ENTERTAIN!
P. S. Anyone who has seen Drive might notice similarities with this movie at points. That's all I'll say. And this movie was made first.
Out of Darkness (2022)
Comes the light
Raw. That's what this movie was. Set in the paleolithic we follow a band of travellers. They search for a better life. And who can blame them? But tragedy befalls the group when one member is killed. Or so they think. Some reviews say the characters lack depth or a real arc of development but there are real defined individuals here with dynamic traits. The lead male perishes first, a victim of his own overly aggressive pursuit. Brutality follows. Sometimes you just have to eat. How often did our ancestors dine on human flesh? Perhaps it was common place when the situation was dire. I have no difficulty believing that when different groups and tribes met it was often a bloodbath. Different forms of humans would likely see the other as yet another form of food. If not that then as another form of reproductive potential. Are we to believe the first child was abducted for noble reasons? To save it from a failing starving clan? Or did they have ulterior motives? The desolation, complex group dynamics, commentary on ethnocentric violence and homage to a mostly ignored part of human history all make this a film worth seeing. But by the end who do you root for? The child wishes to stay with his abductors.
Black Snow (2022)
Beautiful and captivating
I knew nothing about this series before turning it on a week ago, but now I want everyone to know about it. Black Snow succeeded for a variety of reasons. The first that comes to mind has nothing to do with the plot at all. The color palette is gorgeous to behold. Bright, nearly technicolor, hues shine from scene to scene. This brings levity to the viewer, literally lightening the mood of what is a somber and suffering plot. The second factor that stood out was the acting. Its always believable, characters have depth but not random chaotic shifts in personality. It won't scare you, unless you get the creeps from high school kids, Aussies or grass. But it will make you think. You'll consider the suspects individually, maybe try to figure it out before the finale. If you pay close enough attention you just might get it right. That's the mark of a solid caper. Enough depth and detail to reward the vigilant viewer. No nonsensical twists. Now I just need to figure out why it was called Black Snow...
Soft & Quiet (2022)
The worst
Everytime I turn on Netflix I anticipate seeing the worst movie ever made and I'm rarely disappointed. Or perhaps I am. This movie combined everything you could hate about a movie and throws it at you for an hour and a half. Let's go through what sucked about this movie. Buckle up. Over the top acting that lacks any depth or nuance. Characters that act timid and unsure of the hate but then minutes later are acting like Hulk Hogan the grocery store racist. The kind of acting you get in a bad high school play. Over the top racism that never once resembles reality. Watching it is like being bludgeoned. Some say the point is to make you uncomfortable but how is that a worthy accomplishment? A puppy being tortured would accomplish the same thing. Congrats, you've made something impossible to watch. Some would try to convince you that this film has an important message. I'd argue the opposite. Movies like this only act as catalysts to division and stereotyping. Some will watch and think, "I bet there really are some Karen Nazis out there with swastika pies." That's definitely real. You gotta hand it to Netflix though. Record profits and soaring stock prices while producing absolute trash is pretty impressive.
The Fugitive (1993)
Classic entertainment
I didn't kill my wife! I saw this movie in 3rd grade and it gripped me then, tighter than some birthday jeans from grandma. Now, as a 39 year old I love it even more. I mean, they just do not make movies like this anymore. It's so well made, every scene advances the thrilling plot. There's a clear goal and obvious obstacles to that goal. It isn't overly dark or moronic. How simple it can be to make an entertaining movie! Like Harrison Ford himself this film stands the test of time. In another 30 years I'll watch it and be entertained, yet again. A great and timeless classic to be enjoyed forever.
Saint Maud (2019)
A feel good film (not)
Is she crazy? Possessed? A masochist or a messiah? Whatever the case may be she had my full attention. Tension reigns throughout this creeping and crawling film. A24 doesn't miss. The viewer doesn't know what she's really capable of until the denouement. Then it's splattered all over the screen. The dangers of delusion are on full display here. What it can lead to, what it can cause someone to do with full confidence. For a moment we wonder whether the victim is actually possessed. Then we snap out of it and realize that the antagonist is masquerading as the protagonist. Let it be a lesson to everyone. No belief should be held unchallenged or you might stab someone to death before burning yourself to death on a beach.
Thanksgiving (2023)
Carve that meat
So you say you just want to relax with some popcorn and watch people get hacked to bits? What's that? You also want to laugh at it? That's awful, me too. This movie suits your needs to a T (hanksgiving). It's straightforward gore, that never gets too gross (Human Centipede). This movie is in a similar vein to Scream, just less serious and less mysterious. But its still good. Slashers like this used to come out repeatedly every year. Not sure why they don't anymore, but this move continued that bloody tradition. If you want to laugh and maybe think a little this movie might be what you're looking for.
No Time to Die (2021)
Flatter than a pancake.
Too long and very boring.
Yawn.
No fun was had by anyone.
Yawn.
Not a shred of originality or creativity.
Yawn.
No flow or building of tension.
Yawn.
Very little laughter.
Yawn.
No chemistry. Madeleine is a ghost on screen. Congrats on the pretty face, but charisma and fire is necessary to light up the screen.
Yawn.
And then Bond dies. I get it. I'd want to be done with this charade too.
Yawn.
A movie without a brain or a heart.
Yawn.
And it wasn't well directed either. The slow pans in the beginning look out of focus and some of the action sequences in the first half seem like you're watching it before it was edited. Just moronic and endless.
Flatter than a pancake. A really dry uninteresting pancake.
Yawn.
RIP Bond.