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Reviews
The Kingdom of Var (2019)
Unspeakably bad....
How this movie possibly has a rating of 3.3 (as of this writing) is a bloody mystery. If I could give this a negative rating, I would have gladly and deservedly done so. When I see films this devoid of any redeeming qualities with a rating they don't deserve, I assume the friends, family and acquaintances of every human being associated with the production have been coerced into rating it favourably.
Every single aspect of this film, from conception through execution are fifth rate. You'd almost think this was produced by a 13 year old using an iPhone 4 over a long weekend.
Acting: horrible.
Continuity: Non-existent
Production qualities: ZERO.
Battledogs (2013)
You've got to be kidding me...
This movie was so bad I don't even know where to begin. This was like something from a drunken 16 year old comic book nerd's delirium.
Even granting this is a made-for-TV movie, with the corresponding de rigueur low budget, this was laughably bad. I kind of feel poorly for some of the actors, acknowledging that sometimes they have to take work when it's offered just to pay the bills...but still.
I've said it before a dozen times; just because you can, doesn't mean you should. Who with the money to fund movies would, in their right mind, pay for something like this?
As for the writers, continuity people, directors....can you people not do even some basic bloody research into the military if you're going to have characters who are supposed to represent the military? Come on. At least try to make it believable.
Independents' Day (2016)
Shamefully Bad
I don't know who runs the production company that produced this tripe, but they should seriously consider another line of work.
The dialogue is thoroughly childish and the author of the screenplay shouldn't consider any further attempts at screen or teleplays. The acting is equally lacking...which is to say completely. The effects look like something from a 1970's made-for-tv movie.
The continuity errors are absurd, as are the uniform and insignia errors for military personnel. One simple example is how the Senator somehow managed to have the cell phone number of the "rebel" leader.
Ugh...just brutal all around.
Alien Conquest (2021)
Run away from the mess...as fast as you can
Films like this are so bad I always have to wonder how they ever got funding to proced them.
This is mind-numbingly stupid. It's one more in what appears to be growing list of movies that haven't even got a basic understanding of science (Yes, I know, it's science "fiction) or military personnel, processes, security, or even uniforms. The writers, producers, director, didn't, it seems, have the ability to do even some basic research to give them enough knowledge to make this remotely coherent?
The dialogue is outright absurd from the start, and the acting is...not good.
Everyone associated with this should be ashamed. I quit watching after 15 minutes. Pathetically bad.
Watch the Sky (2017)
It had promise, but....
...that promise was unrealized. It 'felt" like a made-for-TV film, but the production quality wasn't too bad. The concept was interesting, but any promise it held was unrealized. To put a point on it, the ending was deeply unsatisfying. It's also not as though the film had elements which left an open-ending intact for the viewer to interpret what happened.
The premise was interesting, the production elements not bad, decent enough script...even the acting wasn't too bad. About two-thirds of the way through I started to sense the writer/director had lost the plot and didn't know where to go with this and they just slapped together an ending. Too bad.
Myth: Bigfoot Hunters (2021)
So bad it's almost hard to describe
I would strongly encourage writer/director Brando Snider to find another line of work. Everything about this film is poor...concept, script, acting, cinematography, sound, editing. Absolutely horrible.
One might think this was produced by a group of high school drama students using their accumulated allowances over the course of a summer.
It's as though neither Snider nor anyone else associated with this knows anything about the US Army, the National Park Service or, frankly anything else they're attempting to write about. Nor do they seem to have developed the ability to conduct even basic research.
Future Fear (2021)
Seriously ?.
I've watched a lot of grade C movies in my time, and some of them managed to be amusing (intentionally or otherwise), or mildly entertaining in some way. This is not one of those. This movie is so bad it's difficult to articulate exactly how bad it is.
There's not a single redeeming quality. Concept, story (only charitably could you say there's a coherent story here), production, script, acting....so bad none of the people responsible for these should ever be permitted to work in the industry again. Forget the more refined aspects of movie-making, such as continuity, editing, effects...they're nonexistent. I can't believe anyone would have even funded this project it's so bad.
Intersect (2020)
No redeeming qualities
This was entirely amateurish. Just about every aspect of this was poor. The script, acting, cinematography, editing, direction...sub-par.
Someone actually paid to fund this. Much worse, I invested almost two hours, when I had a good suspicion after the first 15 minutes this was going to be a waste of time.
Conceptually, it could have been interesting. Instead it was nothing but confusing and uninspiring. Even a high school level science education would have informed this production that their lame attempts at explaining the science was wildly impossible. It would have been worth a couple of thousand bucks for them to have consulted with a university-level consultant to help them come up with something plausible, if improbable.
Bacterium (2006)
Seriously? Don't bother
This is yet another one of those movies where you really have to wonder why anyone bothered. That someone actually financed this is shocking. I barely even know where to start. If you're the sort who can laugh your way though the worst nonsense ever recorded, than this might be for you.
1. Tired, worn out concept.
2. A script that seems like it was written by a high school drama dropout.
3. Worst acting I've seen in some time. Not even Alison Whitney's gorgeous nakedness can redeem this.
I'm sure this must have been a low-budget film, so the poor-quality effects can be excused, but the fact that some of the actors clearly aren't properly groomed to be military officers is outright inexcusable. The producers and director didn't even make an effort to make this worth watching.
Earth Has Fallen (2021)
Ugh. More tripe.
Honest to god, who pays to produce garbage like this? Short version: don't waste your time, like I did.
There's no credible continuity, and at no point does this 'movie' provide you with anything that really tells you what happened or what's happening. Even compared to the rest of the movie, the ending is incredibly weak. If I'd had any involvement in this production, I'd have been petitioning to have my name removed.
It's getting to the point where you have to do deep-dive reviews to try to figure out if something's worth watching. I just wasted the better part of two hours waiting for this to make any kind of sense.
Safer at Home (2021)
Utter tripe
Absolute rubbish. The premise is absurd, the story thin and undeveloped, and it would be easy to believe it was written by someone from the Gen-Z cohort with about 5 days of life experience. The holes in the plot are large enough to sail a container ship through, and there's no way to suspend enough logic for this to make sense or be believable. Worse, not one of the characters is in any way sympathetic, the likely result of a poor script and uninvested actors. Maybe this sort of vapid nonsense appeals to young people with the attention span of gnats, but I'd wager no one with 10 firing brain cells would enjoy this. I'd like the last 80+ minutes of my life back.
Never Open the Door (2014)
Pure Rubbish
I've managed to watch, and to some extent enjoy, no end of bad horror movies, but this was right up there with some of the most unbearable.
The first 15+ minutes are taken up by some of the most unlikeable characters I've ever seen, engaging in what was nothing more than an infantile dialogue. They're so despicable you're almost praying they're all killed off as part of the introduction before the film moves on to the heart of the story. Sadly, that's doesn't happen.
The potential, based on the premise was never in jeopardy of being realized. The dialogue was awful, the acting was.....not good....lets just leave it at that, and the structure of the movie was disjointed and highly annoying. I really want the last hour of my life back.
Black Christmas (2019)
Absolute Drivel
Just a few minutes in, this detritus spins off into an ill-informed, childish, progressive-left political statement which completely ruined the film. Even if you set that tasteless annoyance aside, the story's deviations from the original leave this film weak. The lone strong point is the score.