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Expend4bles (2023)
The Expendfourbals - a comedy skit
While none of the Expendable movies are particularly great or memorable, this one was completely devoid of anything good. It felt more like an SNL sketch parodying of the Expendables more than an actual movie.
Megan Fox gave such a bad performance that I actually skipped through most of her scenes rather than cringe to death watching them. 50 Cent is not an actor and cannot act to save his life so why is he here. The 'plot twist' of Sly Stallone not really being dead is so painfully obvious that anyone who has ever seen 5 minutes of any media could have seen it coming. Remember: if you don't see the exact moment the character dies or see the body; they are not dead.
For a franchise that glorifies action starts from the 80s this film is particularly bereft of anyone from the 80s. And of course, wow, an authority figure turns out to be the real villain. Who'd have thunk it?
Reacher (2022)
How is he the biggest man in town?
A very solid first season, with the second season currently being on par. Ritchson's portrayal is spot on. Much better than tiny Tom Cruise. Reacher seems to fluctuate from never speaking to never shutting up. How is it that a man who wanders around all the time and never does any kind of strength training is the size of a fridge? It gets passed off as good genetics but even the best genetics in the world cannot alone be the cause of a man of that size. Reacher also possess the Sherlock 'deduction' powers that have no place in reality and it makes an otherwise grounded series stray into hyperbolic nonsense.
Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny (2023)
Shiny Harrison Ford
A mixed bag of a movie. It was okay in some places but there is a disconnect between what is said and what happens. Indi can jump between vehicles but has trouble climbing up a rock-face. Is he too old for this or not? Characters are introduced that are allegedly a large part of Indi's life but he doesn't have a connection to them at all; at least it doesn't seem like it. Helena is painfully unlikeable and seems more like the villain of the piece instead of the deuteragonist. Just let Indi live in the past. It's all he's ever wanted.
The de-aging is passable at times, such as in long shots or when seen in relative darkness, but can falter from time to time. Hearing 80 year-old Harrison Ford's voice coming out of 46 year-old Indiana Jones is incredibly distracting. Sallah should have been in more of the film instead of just as a glorified cameo. Killing of Indi's son was the best thing that could have happened to that character.
Family Guy: All About Alana (2022)
Backwards country
Do Americans seriously have to pay to apply for college? Are they aware that no other country in the world has that policy?
The whole notion of shows like Family Guy and The Simpsons being a parody of 80's American sitcoms where everyone gets along and the characters learn a lesson is well known, but America as a country really is a parody on a international scale.
Just when you think gun obsessed rednecks, madmen politicians and instilled racism is enough to make them a laughing stock on the world stage, they also have to pay to apply for college.
Not just pay to attend college, but also pay to apply.
Incredible.
John Wick: Chapter 4 (2023)
The One Thing They Love More Than A Hero, Is To See A Hero Fail, Fall...Die Trying
Another John Wick film, another unbelievable shooting fest. Unbelievable in the sense that one cannot believe how useless and incompetent everyone in the film is. Apart from the eponymous John Wick of course.
Every single goon/henchmen in this film acts as though they've never held a gun before in their lives. They constantly run out of cover, fail to react to anything happening in their surroundings and have precisely zero survival instinct. In this world John Wick is a legend. Everyone has heard of him and act as though he is the devil himself due to his skill and willpower. One would think then that the goons would know not to get close to him due to his grabbing, grappling and gun-fu abilities. Nope. They will happily run around without a care in the world acting as though they practically wish for death.
You know how everyone in this universe has a bulletproof suit? Maybe aim for the head every so often. Or, just flail around and allow for your attacks to ping off of John Wick's torso.
It's incredibly distracting. Reeves just seems tired to the point of taking Wick's melancholy, stoic personality to new levels of boring. Fair play to him for being the age that he is and committing to the stunts as much as he does. If only the fight coordinators could muster similar levels of enthusiasm for their work.
Blind Donnie Yen makes no sense.
The Menu (2022)
A whole bunch of who cares
This movie is a mixed, confusing bag. It starts off slow, but I had heard good things so I stuck with it. The middle is intriguing and sets up a lot for the finale. In reality the ending is the biggest anti-climax in recent cinema. So much promise and set up for a bland, 'do you get it?' ending.
The message of the film is muddled. If there even is a message. It is a piece of media that isn't as clever as it thinks it is. Or is it? Maybe that's the message. That nothing is ever as it seems.
Twists and turns along the way but it all amounts to nought. Ralph Fiennes' accent is egregiously awful and distracting. Aside from that glaring disturbance the performances as a whole are fine; certainly nothing exceptional or game changing.
Black Panther: Wakanda Forever (2022)
Misery, misery, misery, that's what you've chosen.
The modern opinion of the MCU is that it is quickly fading and that the superhero bubble as a whole is soon going to burst. This film is more fuel to that fire. The Ironheart suit is awful. Looks terrible & out of place among everything else it shares a scene with. Everything about this film is miserable and horrible. A big aspect of the marketing was the mystery of who the new Black panther will be. Although it was obviously Suri as no one else is even close to being that thin. Why should the audience care about a character wearing an indestructible cat suit? There are no stakes to it. Namor is good. Everything else is boring, nonsensical and drawn out to a tedious 3 hours.
She-Hulk: Attorney at Law: Whose Show Is This? (2022)
At least it's over
So much for ending a series on a high. This episode was more like ending a series with a wink and a nudge to an audience that is long past caring. They still can't get the CGI to look good, even for the last episode.
She-Hulk walking around the Marvel offices looked like moving a puppet around on a green-screen. More fourth wall breaks and terrible dialogue flood this episode in the same manner it plagued the rest of the series. Some new(ish) ideas that could have come across as good in a better show, but just seem pandering an desperate as part of this series.
Who's idea was the Fast & Furious barbeque in the garden style ending? Did Vin 'Egg In A Vest' Diesel get script writing credits?
She-Hulk: Attorney at Law: Ribbit and Rip It (2022)
Mmm. Finally, some good She-Hulk content
After this show proved to be itself to be pandering nonsense, the Daredevil episode was the only thing that I was holding out for. The only thing a lot of people were holding out for. After two filler episodes since the tease it's finally here.
It should be noted that this isn't the exact same character from the Netflix series. Similar, but in some subtle ways quite different. I This Daredevil is much more rubbery and surreal in his movements. He's flipping and parkouring around in a way that the Netflix version never did. Running across rooftops sure, but never scaling down a parking lot and doing gymnastic level flips effortlessly. This version also seems less protective over his secret identity, not seeming to care as much when his mask is removed, also spouting legal jargon in a room of crowded people while in the Daredevil suit.
Considering I expected a short conversation between between She-Hulk and Daredevil to be the absolute best we'd get out of this episode, what did end up happening had my expectations dashed.
She-Hulk: Attorney at Law: The Retreat (2022)
Just when you think it can't get any worse.
Another She-Hulk episode, another 30 minutes of AI written dialogue and nausea educing CGI.
Painfully unfunny and unbearably tedious is about norm for this series. I want it to be good. I really do.
We just want Daredevil. As soon as it was clear to everyone that this show was such a mess all anybody wanted from it was the Daredevil appearance. Sure, it will probably be a tiny cameo that just sets up the new Daredevil series in such a way that they are basically throwing the advert at us through the screen, but even the most average of Daredevil cameos will be the absolute peak of quality for this show.
At least Titania wasn't in this episode.
She-Hulk: Attorney at Law: The People vs. Emil Blonsky (2022)
Possibly the worst thing I have ever seen
Upon viewing the first episode, I gave this show a fair rating and was willing to give it a chance. Episode 3 has completely changed my mind. This was apocalyptically bad. I could not name a single Megan Thee Stallion song, but I know I hate her. Just the fact that she exists makes me uncomfortable. The unrelenting name drops foreshadowed to me her appearance. I now disown this show. I won't even stick around for the Daredevil appearance. I am done with the MCU. I feel as though a most people are done with it at this point. Well done Episode 3, you've finally destroyed a ship that has been slowly sinking since 2019.
Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 (2017)
Terrible Characters
The humour and charm of the first film is completely gone. The members of the Guardians are so unlikeable it puts me off the entire movie. All the do is argue and fight with none of them having any redeemable qualities until it's too late so that we can have happy spin to the ending. Rocket and Quill are particular standouts for their obnoxious attitudes. The jokes fell flat at every turn and the soundtrack seemed wedged in solely to try and capture the charm of the first one.
But god damn, that CGI racoon looks good. How do they do it? It looks so real.
Star Wars (1977)
Oh I 'member
By modern standards this film is rather slow and oddly paced. A cracking opening 10 minutes and then a sad boy on a sand planet for the next hour. I can see that in 1977 this would have blown everyone's mind and one cannot dispute the Star Wars legacy. But looking at it decades later leaves a lot to be desired. Fair play to George Lucas and the crew for melting in Tunisia to get this made.
Star Wars fans are also the worst. Along with Zack Snyder fans they are easily some of the worst people around. None of it's real. Why do you care so much?
The Northman (2022)
One giant trip
I'll admit that I went into this film expecting something a lot different than what it is, so that has had an impact on my opinion.
This film is truly bizarre. Norse mythology and dream sequences drive the murky plot forward. It is unclear what is real and what is happening as a result of hallucinations, nightmares, betrayal or sheer madness. There is a time jump early on but only half of the main characters seemed to have actually aged. No explanation. Maybe it was all a dream. We'll never know.
She-Hulk: Attorney at Law (2022)
Lawyer show
I strongly dislike this show. I believe for the same reasons a lot of other people do.
I thought that the first episode was perfectly serviceable. The chemistry between the two Hulks is great. They really seem like cousins who grew up together and know how to have a laugh. For me there was one proper laugh out loud moment.
However, and there's no way of saying this without coming across as the typical Marvel misogynist; but Jessica Walters did seem a bit 'Mary-Sue' like. She's better than Banner at being a Hulk for no explained reason and can control her abilities somehow. It preaches the dangers of modern times in ways we have seen a thousand times before. Men are awful. We know. We get it. It doesn't seem like a show written by women, rather it seems like a show written by men who have no idea of how women behave and interact with each other; with the outcome being that no one seems real or believable in anything they do or say.
The CGI is 'barely passable' at best and 'unfinished PS3 cutscene' cutscene at worst.
I have nothing left, except Daredevil.
Kung Fu Panda (2008)
fat panda say skadoosh
Best animated movie ever made. One of the best films of all time. Alongside TDK and Shawshank, Kung Fu Panda is history in the making. Not just cinema history, but the history of everything. Flawless animation, choreography and performances. Along with a message that everyone can relate to. 'There is no secret ingredient'. Perfection. Get lost Pixar, the big boys are in town now.
Lightyear (2022)
And all the science, I don't understand.
At this point I can't hear Chris Evans' voice as anything but Captain America, It was quite distracting when watching this film. A great performance nonetheless, so the deviation is definitely a 'me' problem. Great film. Not the classic Pixar charm of days gone but a fun romp all the same. I do wonder if the time dilation factor in the story will go over a lot of the audiences heads.
The robot cat companion is a clearly toy selling strategy, which given the origin of this film; the irony is certainly not lost. I got a handful of real laugh-out-loud moments but find it difficult to care about fictional characters anymore. Any struggle, battle or emotional backhand they face leaves me feeling nothing. Making most of Pixar's work redundant for me.
Prey (2022)
Prey. Get it? Because they're being hunted by a Predator? Clever.
Prey joins the class of better Predator movies along with Predators and original recipe Predator. A similar plot outline just set a few centuries in the past. Prey tends to lean more towards tension than all out action, but it works a treat. The Predator itself can look a bit rubbery when running around as it is clearly CGI in those moments. All round though, pretty great. Good stuff.
Spider-Man: No Way Home (2021)
Bless your cotton socks Mr Feige
People kept whooping. They kept on cheering at every little thing. We get it, you remember things from old movies. Now please be quiet so that we can actually hear the dialogue. Yes, everyone here is a Marvel fan; the characters on the screen can't hear you. Chances are no one involved in the filmmaking process is here in this screening so there is no need to clap and applause.
A hefty amount of nostalgia bait, some crippling plot holes and inexplicable character choices make up what is the best Spider-Man 3.
Should have brought back the Aunt May from the Rami trilogy. We needed another monologue about heroism.
Breaking Bad (2008)
jessie wee hav 2 cook.
Flawless. Breaking Bad has become a meme in recent times but that only goes to show the lasting legacy the show has created.
Walt never says 'goodbye' at the end of phone calls and it is by far the worst thing he has ever done.
Game of Thrones (2011)
Season 8 gathers, and now my disappointment begins.
The showrunners crashed this series harder than any other in TV history.
Seasons: 1-4, Incredible
5-6, A bit slow but otherwise great
7, No good
8, Atrocious
Good CGI dragons.
Thor: Love and Thunder (2022)
Thor 4: More Thor
Such a disappointment. Great performances can't save this train wreck.
Sure, Thor gets objectified which people on this website seem to take a great issue with. Who cares, none of it's real. Double standards, true. But oh well.
He's juicing. Looks incredible but he's definitely on gear.
Revolting & unfinished CGI. Of all the 'jokes' in the film the audience laughed at maybe two of them.
Vin Diesel's voice appears as well. Vin Diesel is the worst.
Skyfall (2012)
Where the hell have you been?
One of the best. Great action and performances with a completely ridiculous plot.
The villain is basically the Joker from TDK. Bond is drinking on a beach for months and remains in great shape. Not as good as he once was sure, as shown by the failing of the MI6 tests, but still competent enough to save the day. Which one is it? Writers, maybe pick a lane.
The Home Alone style ending came across as a bit goofy but was good enough that you don't really notice unless you think about it. Unfortunately the tired 'I've been shot but won't tell anyone and can keep on living until the plot deems it necessary for me to finally die' trope makes an appearance.
But overall, a really solid Bond experience.
Black Panther (2018)
This is it for you cousin.
Bizarre CGI rhinos aside, this is a good movie. Up until the end fight where it's just two indestructible poorly rendered animated men fighting each other on a magic train track.
One of the best villains that the MCU has to offer who actually has a compelling argument and backstory.
Wonder Woman (2017)
Give it up Gal. Acting just isn't for you.
Gal Gadot is not a good actress. Not by any means. A piece of trivia mentions that she was about to give up on acting before she got this role but I would argue that she should have given up regardless. How she got this role is beyond comprehension. She's easily the only actor in this not to give a good performance, because she gives a terrible one. But you already knew that.
Chris Pine and some passable fight scenes make this film worth watching with one eye open.