isotope2112's Reviews

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003)

2/10

23 May 2005

A completely worthless remake of the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre. TCM '03 is basically a retelling of the '74 version of TCM. The story is slightly modified, but not in any appreciable way. The cast is utterly forgettable, with the exception of R. Lee Ermey (who turns in a typical adaptation of his "Gunnery Sergeant Hartman" character from "Full Metal Jacket") and Jessica Biel (who looked too hot in a wet T-shirt to forget). Everything that made the original shocking is reproduced here, but it's not so very shocking in light of the original, or in the context of 30 years of slasher films that have been produced in the interim. It fails to be as shocking as other TCM derivative films (like House of 1000 Corpses... another movie to avoid). Unfortunately it made many times over it's original budget in gross profit, meaning the public will be subjected to at least 1 sequel.

If you want to watch a TCM movie, go for the '74 original... or one of the hilariously bad sequels like TCM 4 - "The Return of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre", featuring Renee Zellweger and Matthew McConaughey.

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Carmilla, the Lesbian Vampire (2004 Video)

1/10

Bwa-ha-ha!

11 September 2004

Someone finally made a movie worse than The Final Sacrifice! This movie gives me hope that someday I can find a group of investors to defraud out of several thousand dollars so I can make a Z flick and skim whatever cash I can off the top.

Poorly acted, no continuity, poorly shot, horrible music, incomprehensible script, 3rd rate special effects, weak character development, and far too little soft core lesbian action. I think there may have been a plot twist in the movie... I can't really be sure because there was only a nominal plot to begin with. This movie should have just gone full porn and salvaged something out of this mess. Where is Mystery Science Theater when you need it? 1/10.

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Hulk (2003)

5/10

Eh

29 August 2004

The Hulk suffers from an over-wrought script that takes way to many liberties with the original comic-book backstory of the Hulk. That said, the Hulk is a visual stunner... I love the "comic book" feel of the cinematography and editing. Kudos to Ang Lee on the visual element of the story. Visually this film is right up there with Amelie.

I'm probably biased because I grew up reading Hulk comics, but the script was just too much of a departure for me to really get into this movie.

Overall rating: 4/10 Visual rating: 8/10 Script rating: 2/10

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The Cat in the Hat (2003)

1/10

There is a circle in Hell for the Producers of this film

26 November 2003

I've seen a lot of terrible movies in my day, this drivel gives them all a run for their money. Thank god I saw this for free.

Cat in the Hat is boorish and insipid. It's based on a children's book, but much of the thinly veiled adult humor is not suitable for children and not funny to adults (those suffering major brain damage due to head trauma not withstanding). Cat in the Hat has NO redeeming qualities and is really what I consider the final nail in the coffin that is Mike Myer's career. Sure he'll make other movies, but anyone who believes he is a decent comedic actor at this point is sadly mistaken. Even sadder, with all the cross promotion and the first week box office takes, it is virtually assured the studio will make money, thus assuring that the world will be subjected to more cinematic versions of Seuss books. Et tu "Green Eggs and Ham"?

Avoid at all costs. 1/10.

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House of 1000 Corpses (2003)

2/10

Blah

14 October 2003

House of 1000 Corpses was pretty sub-standard. Not scary, not really very gory, and the cinematic style was too reminiscent of Natural Born Killers. All in all this movie is a snoozer with an overly convoluted plot that was never really explained. Watching it I got the sense they ran out of time filming and just tried to slap something together for release...

Not recommended. 2/10.

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Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984)

Punishment!

3 October 2003

Warning: Spoilers

<MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS>

Everytime the lead actor in this movie yelled "punishment", I couldn't help but feel I was the one being punished. This movie is terrible. Still, no study of the mid 80's horror genre would be complete without a mention of "Silent Night, Deadly Night". SNDN scared the bejeezus out of me when I was 10, now it just scares me to think there was a point in time when somebody though greenlighting this film was a good idea. Maybe they should be the one's punished... 2/10.

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C.H.U.D. (1984)

B-Movie Horror Classic

3 October 2003

C.H.U.D. is not a good movie by any stretch of the imagination. Still, it is a classic of the campy horror genre. This is a movie to rent around Halloween for a 80's Horror-fest. Elsewise, leave it on the shelf. C.H.U.D. is also a great name drop of inconsequential mid 80's pop trivia... 4/10

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Igby Goes Down (2002)

6/10

Amusing

21 March 2003

So Burr "Flock of Seagulls" Steers made a movie...

I found Igby Goes Down to be an entertaining movie. The film is dialogue driven, but Steers doesn't suffer from the linguistic diarrhea that plagues writers like David Mamet. True, in real life nobody talks the way Igby does, but the dialogue is often rather funny in a very cynical way. The acting was much better than I expected (one of the Culkins can act?) The story meanders a bit, but all things considered I enjoyed Igby Goes Down. It's not Citizen Kane, but if you appreciate cynical, sarcastic, black humor you'll likely enjoy this movie. 6/10.

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The Meaning of Life (1983)

5/10

Funny, but uneven

21 March 2003

I just saw The Meaning of Life again recently. I originally saw it about 10 years ago. My memory of this movie was really fixated on the "Birth" and "Death" segments of the film, which are by far the funniest parts, and are in my opinion funnier than anything from Holy Grail or Life of Brian. The middle segments however are nowhere near as good. Still, Meaning of Life is worth seeing just for the beginning and end; it's still better than most of the schlock being produced today as "Comedy". Just keep the remote handy to skip through the dull and unfunny middle segments. 5/10

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The Ring (2002)

4/10

Disappointing

10 March 2003

Warning: Spoilers

*MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS*

I was expecting better from a movie hypes as the "scariest of 2002". I found The Ring to be drawn out and much too slow paced. Too much time is devoted to the investigation into the origins of video. This leads to resolution of sorts at the end, but creates too many dead end sub-plots and plot holes in the process. Overall the suspense just wasn't there. The freakiest moments of the film are delivered at the end, but by then I was left feeling cheated that at 116 minutes running time I had only seen 10 minutes that were remotely scary.

The DVD edition contains an imaginative presentation of what appears to be deleted and alternate scenes from the movie. To me, it was more enjoyable than the actual movie. All in all, I found that The Ring failed to deliver on it's promises. Maybe it's just because of all the hype... 4/10

* A fun little prank to play if you are watching this movie with other people: If you have a cell phone, near the end of the movie discreetly cue up the phone number of the place you are watching the movie at without removing the phone from your pocket. When the credits are rolling, call the number (again, without removing the phone from your pocket). This should elicit a bit of fear, especially in younger viewers. Heh heh heh.

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Donnie Darko (2001)

6/10

Not a bad little film

10 March 2003

Warning: Spoilers

*MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS*

Donnie Darko surprised me. Sure, some of the symbolism was a bit on the obvious side and the late 80's setting seemed pointless, but overall I found the movie rather enjoyable. Through most of this movie I wasn't exactly sure what was going to happen. Donnie Darko achieves this without descending into the incomprehensibility that plagued other time warp movies like Lost Highway. For me that goes a long way towards making a movie enjoyable. The acting was decent, the script was good, and the directing wasn't bad (it was his first film so I'll cut him some slack). Darko is a niche movie though and will not be enjoyed by all audiences. Not the greatest movie I've ever seen, but it was more enjoyable than the usual crap Hollywood is cranking out these days. I'd rather see 100 movies like Donnie Darko get greenlighted than one more Pearl Harbor or Charlie's Angels II. 6/10

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Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964)

1/10

Quite possibly the worst movie ever made

10 March 2003

I saw this on video years ago. It appears it was all shot in one day because you can actually see the makeup running on the Martians as the movie progresses. This movie started a tradition with my friends and I of renting terrible movies and trashing them while we viewed them. If only we had thought of airing this on TV we could have been the creators of Mystery Science Theater. Of all the terrible movies we rented though, Santa Claus Conquers the Martians stands out in my mind as the worst of them. Funny if you are looking for a bad movie, otherwise avoid. 1/10.

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The Doom Generation (1995)

2/10

Fails to shock

5 March 2003

Like Kids (also released in '95), Doom Generation tries to shock the viewer. Maybe I'm just to jaded and cynical to be surprised by this kind of manipulative trash. Doom Generation failed to interest me on any level. The script was uninspired, the direction was forgettable, and the acting was sub-standard. Ultimately this movie fails to do the one thing it was designed to do. Nothing about this movie stood out... except McGowan's ample bosom. 2/10 (1 point for each of Rose's orbs)

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Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones (2002)

5/10

Cold and Detached feeling

4 March 2003

I grew up with Star Wars. I loved episodes IV, V, and VI. I can't help but feel disappointed though with the prequels. It goes well beyond the inanity of Jar-Jar Binks. Episodes I and II seem fundamentally flawed. The basic story is dry. There is action, but no excitement... no tension. Part of this is the problem inherent in a prequel: you already know what is going to happen. But it goes beyond that. The actual sequence of events has no electricity. This is compounded by the wooden acting that is rampant in this film (and Episode I). Since I know that McGregor, Portman, Lee, and others can act from other movies I've seen them in, I suspect the problem lies with Lucas's direction. Lucas is a wonderful producer and good at creating a basic plot, but he should stay far away from the screenplay and direction. What he has managed to do with Episodes I and II is create the visually stunning equivalent of a slow motion train wreck.

5/10 (though 2 of those points are bonus points because I was brainwashed by Star Wars in the 80's... actual score is 3/10)

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Lost Highway (1997)

4/10

Pointless Drivel

4 March 2003

I've enjoyed many Lynch movies over the years. Lost Highway is in my mind the lowest point in Lynch's storied career. I got the distinct impression that this movie was made as a vehicle to tie together a bunch of "scenes" David had floating around in that crazy imagination of his. I watched Lost Highway in the hopes that eventually I would find something to pique my interest, or at least give this movie some sort of point. Alas, that was not to be. Worth watching only if you are a film student... otherwise stick to Lynch's good movies like Mulholland Drive, The Straight Story, Wild At Heart, or (my favorite) Blue Velvet. 3/10.

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Doc Savage: The Man of Bronze (1975)

3/10

A classic of bad cinema

25 February 2003

Doc Savage: The Man of Bronze is a horrible movie. Poorly scripted, over-acted, and just plain silly. That being said... it is actually an enjoyable movie on some level. This movie begs to be watched in a group with an ample supply of cheap beer. It's one of those movies like "Santa Claus conquers the Martians" or "Yor, the Hunter from the Future"... so bad it is almost good. If you have the right group of people this movie is a blast to watch. It's campy. It's fun. It has a theme by Sousa. If you're looking for a good movie though, look elsewhere. 3/10.

BTW, I've heard rumors some studio is exploring the possibility of a remake...

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John Q (2002)

3/10

Predictable

29 January 2003

Warning: Spoilers

*MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS*

I was thoroughly disappointed with John Q. I figured with Denzel, Liotta, Duvall, and Woods this should at least be a decent film. I will never again underestimate the ability of a bad script to ruin a movie. This David (i.e. John) vs Goliath (i.e. the big evil HMO) story is so ham-handed in it's attempt to make the viewer revile the HMO and feel sorry for the poor suffering family that it is almost laughable.

There is one scene that sums up how ridiculous this movie is. At one point in the movie, John gets into a scuffle with an abusive husband who is one of the hostages. John loses his gun and it sits on the floor while he fist-fights the abuser. Does one of the other hostages pick up the gun in an attempt to free themselves? No... they watch the fight and cheer as John kicks the tar out of the guy, then picks up his gun. I'm willing to suspend disbelief for a movie, but this willing hostage thing is too much.

John Q is the sort of boring, predictable junk that Hollywood continues to commit to celluloid. You seriously can see every twist and turn before it happens. If you've ever wondered what it's like to be psychic, rent John Q.

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Titanic (1997)

2/10

Snooze

29 January 2003

I give James Cameron credit for being an accomplished producer, but he and George Lucas have one unfortunate thing in common: they both can write a good story and are capable of overseeing a project, but James and George are both sub-par at dialogue and are terrible directors from an actor standpoint. That is what kills Titanic. The movie is visually stunning and the story moves along fairly well, but the acting is just not up to snuff. This surprised me a bit because DiCaprio and Winslet have been good individually in other movies, but here they seem wooden and constrained by sappy dialogue.

My other major problem with this movie is the predictability inherent in the story. I will say that I am prejudiced against movies that don't contain some element of surprise. Because this is a movie about the Titanic you know the boat sinks (unless you slept through elementary school). It makes the end rather anti-climactic.

So why is this the highest grossing movie of all time? Because apparently 14 year old girls will pay again and again to watch a tragic love story on the big screen. It only took me one viewing to realize I don't ever need to watch this movie again. 2/10.

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Swept Away (2002)

1/10

God, no... Please make it stop!

11 October 2002

This movie was ridiculous, boring, and poorly acted. I loved some of Guy Ritchie's other films (notably Two Smoking Barrels & Snatch), but Swept Away was just bad. It came nowhere close to the original. Once they were on the island I found myself hoping in vain that there would be someone else on the island to prevent Madonna from being in every scene. Cannibals would have done nicely...

This is the first movie I have ever walked out of before the end. It was that bad. I read an article yesterday where Madonna said she was going to focus more on her family. Here's hoping she sticks to that. Biggest surprise of Swept Away: at 44 Madonna still looks pretty good in a bikini. 1/10

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Amélie (2001)

9/10

A fun and rather unconventional movie

22 July 2002

I rather enjoyed this movie. Amelie is not the same cookie cutter love story that is being told over and over in American movies. The story is quirky and amusing, as is Audrey Tautou. She looks an awful lot like Audrey Hepburn. I also found it interesting that there was no profanity in this movie, though it got an R rating for some sexual content. I can't remember that last time I say and R rated movie where nobody swore.

Jean-Pierre Jeunet is a fantastic director with a real visual flair. I've loved his work since I saw City of Lost Children. Now if I could just find a copy of Delicatessen.

That being said, this movie is not for everyone. I suspect many will be turned off by the fast paced story telling or will be so hyped up from the good press this movie received they can't help but be disappointed. I knew nothing about this movie when I saw it. Go into this with no preconceived notions and you might be pleasantly surprised. 8/10

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Kate & Leopold (2001)

3/10

You've already seen this movie

22 July 2002

No really... you have. Maybe it wasn't called "Kate & Leopold" the last time you saw it. Maybe it didn't have a character from the 1800's in downtown NYC... but if you've seen any romantic comedy in the last 20 years (especially one staring Meg Ryan), you've seen this movie.

K&L combines the elements of a romantic comedy (jaded career person has given up on finding love until they meet someone who restores their faith in love) and a fish out of water story (person is dropped in an alien world and has to adapt with hilarious consequences). It all seems oddly familiar.

The best thing I can say about Kate & Leopold is that I always wondered what it would be like to be clairvoyant. After seeing this movie I know. The sad part is that they actually use some foreshadowing in this movie. It is totally unnecessary: 5 minutes in you already can guess how it's going to end. 3/10

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Weekend (1967)

4/10

Utterly Pointless

16 July 2002

Week End is meaningless, pointless drivel. The message of this film seems to be that the bourgeois are bad. I really couldn't tell you though because it was difficult to pay close enough attention to discern any sort of message. I am not opposed to pointless movies, but this one wasn't even interesting enough to hold my attention. Some of the cinematography was cool, but that is of little interest to anyone who isn't a film student. Overall I just didn't care about this movie enough to ever watch it again.

If you are in film school, rent it... otherwise leave it on the shelf. If you're just looking for an Art House film to confuse people with, rent "Auch Zwerge haben klein angefangen" instead. 4/10.

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Kids (1995)

3/10

An uninspired "documentary"

19 June 2002

I saw "Kids" many years ago when I was in my early 20's and just saw part of it again recently. Seeing it again made me remember how bad I thought it was the first time I saw it. It tries to be shocking, and I suspect that it would shock middle aged suburbanites, but it had little effect on me. The basic flaw with this movie is that a character driven drama like "Kids" should cause the viewer to have some empathy with the characters, but this movie only creates a mood of apathy. The plot of "Kids" is such that you need to care about the characters if this movie is to be successful on any level. As I watched the movie, I realized I didn't care what happened to the characters. With no emotional interest invested in this story, the ending seemed anti-climactic and pointless. If you want to watch a Harmony Korine movie, watch "Gummo" instead... at least that movie was somewhat entertaining. 3/10

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The Princess Bride (1987)

7/10

One of the best family movies ever made

19 June 2002

I'm not really a big fan of the "Family Movie" genre... but Princess Bride is actually a very good movie. It's probably the only movie I like, besides Star Wars, that would be age appropriate for younger viewers. The story, which is typical faery tale stuff, is helped by an all-star cast. If I had kids this is the only movie I could watch with them without wanting to hang myself halfway through it. 7/10

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All the President's Men (1976)

8/10

Still a great movie 25+ years later

19 June 2002

With the 30th anniversary of Watergate, I decided to watch this movie again. It's still great all these years later, maybe because the mysteries it posed then are still relevant today. Dustin Hoffman and Robert Redford together in the same movie are enough to make it good, but the story pushes it over the top and makes this a great film. 8/10.

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