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Reviews
Wizards of the Lost Kingdom (1985)
Gulfax
This movie is horrible- in a 'so bad it's good' kind of way.
The storyline is rehashed from so many other films of this kind, that I'm not going to even bother describing it. It's a sword/sorcery picture, has a kid hoping to realize how important he is in this world, has a "nomadic" adventurer, an evil aide/sorcerer, a princess, a hairy creature....you get the point.
The first time I caught this movie was during a very harsh winter. I don't know why I decided to continue watching it for an extra five minutes before turning the channel, but when I caught site of Gulfax, I decided to stay and watch it until the end.
Gulfax is a white, furry creature akin to Chewbacca, but not nearly as useful or entertaining to watch. He looks like someone glued a bunch of white shag carpeting together and forced the actor to wear it. There are scenes where it looks like the actor cannot move within, or that he's almost falling over. Although he isn't in the movie that much, the few scenes are worth it! Watch as he attempts to talk smack to Bo Svenson, taking the Solo-Chewbacca comparison's to an even higher level!
I actually bought this movie just because of that character, and still have it somewhere!
Gulfax may look like sh!t, but he made this movie!!! The only reason I've never seen the sequel, or even sought it out, was because of his absence! Perhaps should there be a final film, completing the trilogy, Gulfax will make a much-anticipated return!
Payback (1990)
"This one's for Molly!"
As with the other movies I comment on within IMDb, I'm giving this a 10 simply for the fact that it was something me and my friends watched and got a kick out of. Not because it was such a great movie that we stood up and were giving each other 'high fives' when something happened. No, it was more or less "This movie sucks....let's pick it apart because it'll be funny to rip on!"
'Payback' was that movie for us. I don't remember much in terms of plot, but I recall Roger Rodd was the star (tell me this guy didn't come from a pornographic film background. Perhaps this was supposed to be his 'big break' into mainstream).
A bunch of guys are killed by some group or organization, some girl named Molly gets killed or raped or something like that, some friend of our protagonist is captured (and tortured) and our 'hero' takes it upon himself to clean up this town!
Ho-hum action, lots of talking and walking, and finally, the two "twists" at the end: The old guy captured (and tortured throughout) by the bad guys is...wait for it....actually their leader! Now why would you go through the torture sequences if you were the leader? "Okay boys, electrocute me just in case one of the good guys shows up". Makes no sense. Oh, and the leader's number one henchman is actually an old Vietnam vet friend of Rodd's- unbeknown to captured guy/tortured gang leader guy. Yes, the twists aren't as surprising as those of, say, 'The Sixth Sense'- but I guarantee you this: There was no evidence whatsoever of these secrets being obvious to anybody watching. They just kind of "popped up" out of nowhere.
I remember Rodd and the henchmen/Vietnam vet standing face to face at the film's conclusion, after successfully defeating all wrongdoer's, and having this to say:
Roger Rodd: "A lot of bodies" Evil Henchmen/Vietnam Friend: "A lot of years" Both: "F*%K IT!"
They then walk away, it goes into end credits, and everyone watching realizes that they just wasted too much time watching this dreck.
Entertaining in a "Lets make fun of this shitty movie" kind of way, but that's about it.
Los violadores (1981)
"Hey Stileto, give her a good screw!"
No, I'm not giving this movie a 10 because of it's high production values or Oscar caliber acting- I'm giving it a 10 simply because for roughly 70 minutes, I laughed while watching what was supposed to be a serious revenge movie. It truly is an awful mess- bad dubbing, worse dialogue, horrible over-acting, and an "up in the air" ending that begs for an even less successful sequel. (In regards to the title, the movie I saw was actually titled "Mad Foxes Stingray 2", however I don't think there was an actual prequel to this).
People in my town took this film to an almost cult-like status though- all because of one man: Stileto. On-site leader of the biker gangs ('dirt' biker gangs...Jesus), he rapes the hero's girlfriend, gets drunk and attempts karate kicks with no pants on, and kills a gardener with a pair of shears. Classic. It was his signature line (mentionned in my movie summary line) that drew the most impressions for some reason.
Yes- this movie was hokey. Karate gangs that didn't do the martial art justice. A 'dirt' bike gang leader who basically sits there and practically lets himself get castrated. A hero who seems more concerned with how his hair looks as opposed to how his girlfriend is doing. And of course, the big ending: Did they survive the blast from the grenade? I'll never find out - and I don't think I'd want to.
10 outta 10 simply for the fact that every once in awhile, we need to let our brains get even more dumbed down then they already are. This movie is one of those moments that allows you to do so. "Hey Stileto, give her a good screw!"
Night Trackers (1987)
Kurtz tries to be Jason Vorhees, doesn't succeed, but hilarious anyways!
Okay, don't take this rating too seriously. 'Night Trackers' can't be compared to 'Citizen Kane', 'Gone with the Wind', or even any of the 'Friday the 13th' movies. I saw it on television the year it premiered, and remember finding it hysterical! The plot involved a research facility mixing DNA with dangerous results- plants and animals posing a serious threat to the nearby townsfolk. Some woman and her lame actor kid are somehow involved, as is a local sheriff. I don't remember much, but I know one man stole the show: Kurtz- The Scientic Experiment Gone Wrong! Big, bald, mean, and suffering from the worst make-up job in the history of bad films, this guys gorilla/man-hybrid DNA must have got tainted with Play D'oh! Give him his candy and wish him a Happy Halloween...Yep, he looks that bad (picture the facial features of Tony Danza, Joe Rogan and Matt LeBlanc combined with those of a retarded gorilla). When he's chasing our protagonists he may seem dangerous, but the bad, bad, BAD acting make him appear ridiculous! He gets shot often, but nothing can harm him or his orange/red jumpsuit. Jason Vorhees nor any other horror movie icon need not worry here: The guy who played him is remembered in his own dreams only. The final take down scene is classic: Kurtz is tripped while being tricked into the basement, and falls down a flight of stairs. . Our protagonists unload a cap gun on his sorry ass- but Kurtz is not fazed, and fueled like Superman on crack, his objective is clear: kill all Canadian bad actors (suicide would have to be his last deadly sin). As the bullets run out, our ho-hum sheriff proceeds to pistol whip our villain, causing Kurtz's brow to become more furrowed. Getting too close, our sheriff gets caught in the deadly grip of Kurtz and his super-human strength. As an aside, both me, my younger brother, and my cousins- who caught it when younger- often wondered if the sheriff died-but that is only one of a million questions 'Night Trackers' causes one to ask. After dealing with our hero, Kurtz slowly proceeds to stumble across the floor towards our heroine and her son. Then, a twist: an unknown man dressed in a suit shows up, yells "Kurtz!" (who proceeds to turn around on cue) and shoots him with a dart of some kind. Horse tranquilizers possibly- gotta keep Tony Danza happy. The last scene is useless, as Kurtz does not appear in it. I saw it years later, and proceeded to tape as many Kurtz scenes as possible. It lasts roughly five minutes in total, and I'd really have to search to find that tape, but when it comes down to it, 'Night Trackers', a Canadian television movie, provides a laugh even on the darkest days! Thumbs Up, wish it was available on DVD, but that will never, EVER happen.