Reviews

'If I need a conscience, my dear, I'll buy one.' We're starting in the middle of our European jaunt this time. That's different. (Don't change the formula too much, show. I come here for the formula.) We're starting in Germany, heading for the French Riveria. We've got two Landers! It's almost too much of a good thing! Gopher and Ace chat 'em up, but Audrey advises Judy to marry a rich man. (Hey, poor boys need love too.) Judy gets on with Ace, having no idea that he's actually rich. A former championship bike racer is marrying Lisa. His coach, Harry Morgan, is there to witness the wedding. Then he shows up on the cruise! Oh, Harry, you're making Lisa upset. Go away, Harry. Justina is being pursued by a man. Nicole Phillips has her own travel agency. She's giving Vicki a chance to write for her. Captain Stubing bores Judy with his travel videos. Gopher finds a dockworker in a bikini. Well, that works. 'I love Europe,' he says. See you on the other side (if we both make it through the checkpoint.)

'This is purser stuff. Do I look at photographer stuff?' It's the Andy Warhol episode! Finally, we're getting some culture on this program. (Not really. Warhol was the ultimate troll. He's also not much of an actor or personality.) It's a cruise to celebrate the 200th cruise. Andy Griffith is married to Cloris Leachman. They're looking for a stamp she hid in one of the rooms. Happy Days Mom and Dad are here. (I don't know. I never watched that show. You know, when I was young, Tom Bosley used to sell terrible computers on an infomercial. I never forgave him.) It turns out that Happy Days Mom once appeared in one of Andy Warhol's movies. Hubby can't ind out. Gopher is worried because his inventory is being audited. His auditor is Milton Berle! On Kafka's Love Boat Scale, this episode gets 2 ½ * out of a possible 4 *.

Millie and Marvin are here. They chat up Connie Stevens. Marvin has an upset stomach. Vic Tayback is owed 20,000 by Marvin, and he intends to get his money. Vic thinks Connie is his wife, and he wants a date! The Temptations are taking a cruise. Captain Stubing is a big fan. Tony is the record company man. The Temptations will be shooting a video on board the ship. Maybe the Temptations will do a number with the Mermaids (Yes! They will!) I'm kind of a fan of the Temptations' sound here. The song they do 'Treat Her Like a Lady' was a #48 pop hit. Unfortunately, Vicki ruins the video. Stupid Vicki! Then Vicki cries. 'I just wanted to talk to the Temptations,' Vicki says. Can Vicki use feminine powers to get what she wants? Mike Brady has brought his son on a cruise. Unfortunately, the kid's mom has come too. We've seen this kind of plot before. The look of the show has changed a little bit, but it's basically the same show. On Kafka's Love Boat Scale, this episode gets 2 ½ * out of a possible 4 *.

'What we need here is a new approach.' Wow. Judy! Sucking face! Geez, maybe think about going back to work. She's romancing a rich guy. He's pressuring her to marry him. What does this guy do for a living? We see the end of a possible plot, which is cute. John Ratzenberger is in charge of giving the ship a facelift. He's always funny. Mrs. Cosby is in charge of the dancing of the Mermaids, the new dance troupe (!) Of course, she knows Issac. Teri Hatcher is the head Mermaid. Ace tells the Mermaids, one by one, that's he going to have to deny them his essence. Uh huh. Diane Ladd is back, feuding with Conraid Bain. Guess what happens? Gopher's just trying to take Dee Dee to Knot's Berry Farm. Mall hair Vicki is the worst possible Vicki. It's like having 8 Charos all at once. Dionne Warwick sings the new version of the theme song. On Kafka's Love Boat Scale, this episode gets 2 ½ * out of a possible 4 *.

'General, Menudo needs your help!' Ted McGinley just flew over my house. We came here to see Kim lead that aerobics class. Momma Mia! It's been a while since we went through the Panama Canal. It feels nostalgic. Curtis has a secret. Vicki's gonna dump him cold. Linda Purl is cute. (Leave the beard at home.) Will Hayley and Jared make it work? Will Menudo achieve international pop stardom? Will Ace find a way to get into a towel? The location of Julie McCoy is still unknown. We know she doesn't live happily ever after. Well, we've got one more season left. Some changes are in store. On Kafka's Love Boat Scale, this episode gets 3 * out of a possible 4 *.

'How long has it been since you've enjoyed the company of a woman?' I'd say, uh, as long as I've been married. We're ending Season 8 with a double-length travel episode. This time, we're in the opposite ocean. I hope we don't meet any pirates. We're on the Royal Princess. It's a brand new ship, real fancy too. (I don't like the green color. Can you do it in fire engine red?) They even have footage of Princess Di christening the ship. Helen is Gopher's insurance agent. Vicki has eyes for her son. Menudo is here! They've got a chaporene too - a retired British General. These scamps are going to need some military discipline. Hayley Mills is here with Jared Martin. Doc's ex-wife is here. Ann is looking to get some revenge on a man who didn't hire her. Linda Purl looks a lot like Hayley Mills. Spelunking! I can dig it. Andrew Stevens drives a tiny car. Vicki builds a sand castle and winds up in a remake of The Blue Lagoon. The Captain is planning to dock in Barbados. You know what that means. See you when I see you.

Jimmie and Telma have sworn to quit smoking. It's a bet. The first thing they do is throw their cigarettes overboard. Will one of them be caught cheating? John Beck is here with his daughter. Gopher has his eye on her. She gets the idea of pretending that they're not father and daughter. What could possibly go wrong? Dad immediately chats it up with Allison. Morgan Brittany is a former lover of Ace. She's prone to injuring herself. In fact, she comes on board in a wheel chair. She's got a secret. How will Ace react? Once again, they put Ace in a towel. This is becoming a habit. Well, it's one way to goose the female demographic. On Kafka's Love Boat Scale, this episode gets 2 ½ * out of a spossible 4 *.

'You're going to sing the Love Boat jingle in a commercial.' Flaming kebabs seem dangerous on a cruise ship. Judy Landers is here with her friend Ellen. Judy's husband is trying to win her back. She struts her stuff around the pool, just to show him what he can't have. Meanwhile, Ellen is falling for hubby. How will Judy take it? A commercial for the line is being shot. He intends to use Cruise Director Judy and make her a star. Maybe he's more interested in a romance with Judy. I think it's the most Judy has ever had to do. Jessica Walters is here with dad. Dad is getting over surgery. Dad is particularly grumpy. Can he recover his bounce? Maybe they'll have to throw him overboard. This plot is a bit too serious, and that doesn't work for me. It's always nice to see Judy Landers. On Kafka's Love Boat Scale, this episode gets 3 * out of a possible 4 *.

'You'll have a hard time dancing without kneecaps.' Coco and Doyle are partners in the clothing business. They owe money to loan sharks. They're planning to disappear. Too bad Coco can't help socializing. Now he wants to get married. Doyle can't believe it. Jennifer is a TV actress. She's here with her husband. They live on separate coasts, but they're here to reunite. It doesn't prove to be that easy. Gopher gives marriage advice. At least he has something to do. Mark gazes at Vicki. She's just a child, Mark. Earth to Vicki. What will dad think of this older man? I know we've got Judy Landers coming up. So there's that to look forward to. On Kafka's Love Boat Scale, this episode gets 2 * out of a possible 4 *.

'It's a girl. The headlights are in the wrong place for a sports car.' We got an Osmond, ready to go crazy for his 18th birthday. (An Osmond could never go too crazy.) His dad has written him a letter, promising him a surprise. Is it possible that Misty is the surprise? Crichton is here to train under Captain Stubing. Crichton turns out to be a woman. She's all business. A daughter is unhappy that her father is flirting with Florida Evans. Ace's shorts match the bumper of the bar. Karin Kopins looks exactly like Erin Gray. There's a Crew Lounge? On Kafka's Love Boat Scale, this episode gets 2 ½ * out of a possible 4 *.

'It's Japanese Night in the Coral Dining Room.' Women really had hideous hair in the 1980s. Ace is after Lisa Baxter (but maybe not her hair.) Peter Mark Richman was in Friday the 13th Part 8: Jason Takes Manhattan. Peter and Mark are looking for their daughter. Her name is Sandy. She's not happy with her stepfather. Michelle Johnson is back. I'm not sure what her official job is. They've got her in baggy sweaters, maybe so that we'll take her seriously. Arnold Devlin is an international courier. He's flummoxed by beautiful Charlene Tilton. Well, that's understandable They've given Arnold a silly voiceover narration. We've got some nice sunset shots of the ship now. Very cozy. On Kafka's Love Boat Scale, this episode gets 3 * out of a possible 4 *.

'I'm taking this horse out of here.' Okay. Janet Jackson is helping Telly Savalas sabotage the Love Boat using a robot copy of Issac, our chief Bartender. That's only a background to the real story: the search for the perfect bikini model. I knew there was a reason I loved this show. Meanwhile Priscilla Barnes is better watched on mute. Oh I love you, Pris. There's a comical scene where she goes skinny dipping with Gopher. That's a new one for this show. Jack is considering a nose job, but his gal thinks he's considering becoming, uh, less than a man. Wacky! You know, if it wasn't for misunderstanding, we wouldn't have any understanding at all. The fjords really are pretty this time of year. On Kafka's Love Boat scale, this double-length episode gets 3 ½ * out of a possible 4 *.

"Quack, quack, boom, boom." It's a double-length travel episode. Well, it's been a while. Oh goodness. What is this madness? Glorious, silly madness! Telly "Blofeld" Savalas has created a robot Issac in order to execute his evil plan. James Bond has no chance against a cyborg bartender. I love the big map that shows us the travel plan. I'm glad they made time for the fjords. They're taking the Royal Viking Sky again. Priscilla Barnes is back - with her ridiculous accent. She sounds like the Swedish chef. Gopher immediately falls for her. Janet Jackson has eyes for Isaac. An executive is here to do a campaign for his suntan lotion. Christopher Norris is here, also doing a bad accent. Jack Klugman is expecting his hot young thing. She doesn't show up. Jack is sensitive about his honker. He's thinking about getting a schnoz job. Too bad, it's a beauty. I've always thought Barnes was pretty funny. This one's off to a good start. See you for part two.

'Well, I don't really understand what a Purser does." I'm eight seasons in, and I don't get it either. Caesar Romero is all business. She keeps bumping into a mystery woman. Who is she? She may be an angel or a mermaid. You never know. Gopher's gal is here. She's an advertising executive. He doesn't his buddies to use his nickname. Shelly is a Mayor. Well, anyone can be a Mayor. I could be a Mayor (if I wanted to be.) She runs into the man she's just defeated. Wacky! Now her campaign manager and her defeated opponent are fighting over her hand. To be fair, it's a pretty nice hand. Serious Gopher is no good at all. On Kafka's Love Boat Scale, this episode gets 2 * out of a possible 4 *.

America's Sweetheart Crystal Bernard wears the smallest bikini. God Bless America. Gopher is after her. Crystal's mom is worried that she's not over her divorce yet. Maybe Gopher will change his mind. Teresa has brought her lunkhead man on board to test old beau Ace. What do they actually want? Lyle and Barbara are posing as newlyweds. Will they be able to get away with it? Maybe they'll fall in love? Gopher is pushy and unpleasant here. I don't care for this Gopher. How does Ace keep his towel on? It must be the abs. $86 for a wedding cake? I'll stay single. On Kafka's Love Boat Scale, this episode gets 3 * out of a possible 4 *.

'Princeton doesn't have a medical school.' Well, we learn something every day on this program. Dick Butus is the, uh, champ. Ace's old gal is taking Butkus to a charity boxing match. Maybe Ace can fight the Champ to impress her. Goodbye, Ace! (I like that little snippet of Rocky music.) Isaac has written a poem for the fight. Doris Roberts is here to find her daughter a man. She spots a doctor. He might do. Except that he's not really a doctor. Maybe Doris should get her daughter to wear a swimsuit from the 20th century. Dad has hired Ms. Foster to be young Justin's tutor. Why can't Justin read? I blame Captain Kangaroo. Dad is a pretty serious guy. Chill out, dad. I think I saw this movie. It was called "My Tutor." Ms. Foster makes a formal diagnosis after five seconds. Justin is an idiot. Don't worry. He's got a future in Washington. On Kafka's Love Boat Scale, this episode gets 2 ½ * out of a possible 4 *.

"You're not exactly Bo Derek yourself." Berlinda is into self-help philosophy. I mean, she's using all kind of big words. The guys are into her. Guys love crazy. Isaac's certainly taken with her new novel way of life. Maybe complete honesty doesn't really work. Conrad Bain's computer dating service goofed and matched him with Vic Tayback. Oops. But there's Janet Leigh. That's a better match. Irene is missing her man. There's a big box. What do you think it's in it? Later, her country brain is melted by an extended metaphor about turtles. Leigh and Bain were in a Season 2 episode together, but here they're playing different characters. Leigh seems especially bored here. On Kafka's Love Boat Scale, this episode gets 2 * out of a possible 4 *.

'The Heartbeat of Amigo Country.' Bad country accents are a bit of a tradition here on the Pacific Princess. Leah Ayres is after country singer Billy Boy. She's wearing the smallest swim suit I've ever seen. Holy cow, I'm glad I'm a man. A pair of interior designers are competing for a contract. It's quite a cat fight. Which lady will win? Doc's old college buddy is here. Doc's ready to arrange some dates for them. The guy is with his 'cousin.' You know where this is going. It was inevitable that The Love Boat would hit an iceberg. Ugh, the show drags out the freaking obvious. Let's right our course and get things going into 1985. Maybe the next episode will have Michelle Johnson in a bikini. On Kafka's Love Boat Scale, this episode gets 2 ½ * out of a possible 4 *.

'I specialize in beautiful sisters.' Rue and Hubby are celebrating their anniversary. He's in the button business. She's got a surprise for her husband. What she really wants is for him to loosen up the purse strings. She's absolutely insufferable. He should trade her in for a newer model. Dana Plato and her sister are here. She's immediately descended upon by a wild Brady kid. Sister is a little protective. There's probably a reason she's wary of men, and it's probably sad. Surprise! Michelle Johnson is here to be an intern. She towers over Gopher. Will it work out? If you've never seen Beaks: The Movie, I highly recommend you run out to the video store and rent a copy. Michelle Johnson was the Sydney Sweeney of 1984. She'll make a few more appearances as this character. Dana Plato is no Colleen Dewhurst. On Kafka's Love Boat Scale, this episode gets 2 ½ * out of a possible 4 *.

'I was your birthday present, but I wish you were mine,' 10 Minutes? You're being optimistic, mom. Will Judy and hubby get back together? I think love troubles are a curse in the McCoy family. Maybe she'd have better luck with Mark Harmon. Now Vicki is getting in here with trivia facts. Loretta's man can't get way from the working girl. Wow, now Trevor Howard, along with Colleen Dewhurst, is bringing some real acting class to this show. What happened to my silly program? Matthew Star is disappointed to see his dad doing a commercial. You have to pay the bills, Bart. I just read where the blade fell off the windmill at the Moulin Rouge. Thankfully, it's intact here. I'm going to rate this travel episode a little higher than my usual. Why? Because it's Tuesday. On Kafka's Love Boat Scale, this double-length episode gets 2 ½ * out of a possible 4 *.

"A Sail of Two Cities." Oh har har. We're starting in a restaurant in Los Angeles, where the crew is having dinner. The Captain has brought them to announce that they're going to Europe again. This time it'll be Paris and London. Colleen has brought her son on the ship. Only she won't tell him why. Son wants to be an actor. Loretta Swit is back from the very first season. She looks, uh, different. She accuses her husband of having a 'roving eye.' Judy has eyes for hunky Marc Singer. It turns out - he's her ex-husband. Marc is eager to get back with her. A famous novelist employs her daughter to answer fan letters. She's got eyes for a man. He's a restorer of art. Peter Barton is famous for hurting himself on film sets. That's quite a head of hair that he's got. I mean, Colleen Dewhurt was in Annie Hall. Her acting here is really some of the best we've ever gotten on the show. Of course, I don't watch The Love Boat for fine, nuanced acting. See you in part 2.

'Whatever happened to the little girl with chicken pox?' Doc's first patient is here, with her husband. She declares her intention to have an affair. Golly! Consumer advocate Marvin Cooperman is here. Marvin needs to relax a little bit. His wife is offered a job. Marvin thinks she should remain a housewife. Fight for it, Marvin. Even after humbling himself, Marvin still has to eat dirt. Ladies man Ken intends to take a relaxing cruise - without men. Patrick Wayne chats up Judy - or tries to. She's still sad about her divorce. Get over it, Judy. I mean. Patrick Wayne is quite a catch. Gopher thinks he recognizes old Pat. Who is he exactly? Ace has funny shirts. In another life, I would have been a bass player on a cruise ship. On Kafka's Love Boat Scale, this episode gets 3* out of a possible 4 *.

"I love rolls." I wish I could frolic on the beach. Instead I'm forced to toil in the mines. We're getting fancy with crane shots to introduce shots now. Doc is ready to romance Delta Burke. William Christopher, about to marry Doc's ex, is here to study Doc and learn what makes him such a great lover. You know he's going to get in the way of Doc's smooth moves. Judy's friend Beth is here. She's going through a divorce. Wouldn't you know it? She's got a secret! Beth is not interested in romance just yet (or is she?) Patrick Macnee is here with his niece Julia Duffy. She's a future lawyer. He's a jewel thief. Abby Dalton looks like Juliet Prowse. This one is completely without much in the way of interest. It gets all . . . Serious (no one wants that.) Delta isn't as much fun as last time. It's quite a comedown after Hurricane Charo. I like Isaac's Gondola Captain outfit. On Kafka's Love Boat Scale this episode gets 2 * out of a possible 4 *.

'May I make a merger proposal?' Her name is DeeDee Lewis. Uh, huh. April is leading an aerobics class. That's good for ratings. Jiggle television is alive - even in 1984. Gordon Jump is after her. Charo might be a little out of your league there, Gordo. April sings Footloose. Ralph Bellamy is a reporter. He's on the trail of Sara Webster. He says she's a ghost, and he has to see what's inside her trunk. Who is she really? I love a mystery. Two brothers are here. One is more interested in love, the other in money. Anne has a business deal for them. Our lover has no interest. I still like Charo. On Kafka's Love Boat Scale, this episode gets 3 * out of a possible 4 *.

"Everything here has been a lie." I feel that way most of the time. It's Vicki's 18th birthday. Can they keep their surprise plans a surprise? Vicki gets drunk. A drunk Vicki is not something you want to miss! Then Captin Stubing gets angry. You won't see that very often. Thanks for the Happy Birthday, dad. There's something Vicki doesn't know. Arthur Smalley has amnesia. Morgan Brittany is trying to jog his memory. Alex Rocco is a detective hoping to reunite Joan with her old lover, Robert Reed. Actually, Alex is in love with Joan. Surprise! I do enjoy the way that amnesia works in movies. There are things I'd sure like to forget! On Kafka's Love Boat Scale, this episode gets 2 1/2 * out of a possible 4 *.