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Reviews
Identity Thief (2013)
Thief is right, it stole part of my life.
This movie is certainly a thief in one aspect...it stole time from me that I will never get back! This movie has a concept that could be rather funny if done correctly but this was no where near that point.
Two characters that you can not develop any sort of connection to...you can't feel sorry for them, you can't get on their side (either side), and you can't feel for them in their run from assassins and a bounty hunter...there is just nothing redeeming about this movie.
I gave this movie a 2 out of 10 purely for the concept could have been good...this isn't but it could have so an extra point for coming up with the idea, minus everything else for the execution.
Sandy as a character is annoying, not funny and brought this on himself...for someone who works in the effing Financial world, how the heck did he get tricked by a phone call asking for his Social Security Number? He handles and tracks money for the internals of a large corporation...so he has to have at least some knowledge of financials and not giving your SSN to strangers over the phone is "Don't Be an Idiot" 101.
Diana is not funny but is absurdly annoying and irritating. She does what most criminals do...stupid crap but at no point was any of it entertaining. The first bar scene with buying drinks made me smirk but that was it.
The Denver Cops know this guy is not a criminal at all and yet search his office (that somehow was built so quickly). When they find nothing they give him the advice of becoming a vigilante and bringing the criminal in Florida back to Colorado to face charges. None of that is even remotely believable. The cop even points out that she is involved with some very dangerous drug dealers...yet tells him to go get her and bring her back as the best option.
Assassins/Drug Dealers are 2 Dimensional useless characters that exist purely for plot push and pointless action.
Bounty Hunter is another useless character...this one has no reason to exist either. Why the heck would a city or even state pay $50,000 for a runner? Now why would they pay that much for a runner that they know for a fact is already being hunted by other criminals. This is a situation where you think "well they might kill each other saving our time" and just bow out.
All of these holes and problems are seen very early into the movie because not only was this movie awful...it was so bad I couldn't stand watching it and I typically finish movies that I start watching but this is not one of them.
Another broken plot point is when she makes the comment about going to the airport with the same IDs and how that wouldn't work so they decide to do a road trip across the country for a 1,900 mile road trip. Here's an idea...how about you go rent a car for a day, go back to the house where all her fake IDs are, when the drug dealers leave you go in, get any random ID, take the rental car back, go to the airport, fly to Denver...movie over.
The sad thing is I like both Jason and Melissa as actors and they have both been in some very awesome movies and together they should make a great casting but this movie is so terrible that not even they could save it.
Zombieland (2013)
1/10 is as low as I can rate it.
* There are spoilers in this review but the show is so awful my review is probably more entertaining than the show. *
The Zombieland Pilot from Amazon is just "WOW" but in the worst possible way because it's just completely AWFUL! They took an awesome movie and then butchered EVERYTHING that made it good.
1. Same 4 main characters, All actors replaced. Woody is irreplaceable as "Tallahassee".
2. Changed Tallahassee's backstory for no reason at all and because of that makes NO SENSE at all as to why he is the way he is. The movie's backstory was perfect.
3. Made a bunch of stupid jokes, only one of them landed but it was more of a contagious laugh vs being actually funny.
4. Turned Columbus into a useless character who is just irritating. Columbus was meant to be a geek but he has charm and kept everyone alert with the rules. This version is a loser and annoying.
5. a TON of Plot Holes!
5.1: they repeatedly talk to the LAST OnStar agent trying to find people to join their group but NO ONE they find is ever in a car which makes you think "how the eff does she know where they are?". || why would OnStar even work? How could the system even work with one person...an agent can't maintain a satellite system. || Why is she ALWAYS there? How could she always be there if everyone around her is dead or zombies?
5.2: Columbus stops to wash his hands...a water system is not going to keep working without people keeping it working...if almost everyone is dead or zombies then the water and sanitation systems would all be broken.
5.3: Where are they getting all of the GAS? They continue on for months and months yet somehow never ran out of gas? Then decide to do a cross-country road trip with gas never being a problem.
6. the show is PREDICTABLE and boring...they didn't do anything that I didn't figure out 10 minutes before. I watched the entire episode to write this review but I was hating it within 4-5 minutes. As soon as they explained who the sandwich guy was...instantly turned to crap.
Amazon could have made an EPIC show with this IP but they failed in every aspect. The biggest failure is to try and keep the characters from the movie without the actors that made them.
This universe could have been used in awesome ways, they should have created a whole new set of characters experiencing Zombieland and told a totally different story that took place in parallel to the movie. Maybe they could have had the original actors do cameos with that structure but is guaranteed they won't now.
You could argue "they can't because of the guy's rules needing to be in the show" to I would reply with, "EVERY NERD has rules for this, there are websites devoted to that and they made up stupid rules anyway".
Overall = 0.5/10 and I am giving it half a point because it made me laugh that one time. (officially IMDb doesn't allow me to give it less than 1 but 1 is more than it deserves)
Freerunner (2011)
Awful Piece of Garbage
I was annoyed and bored at the beginning...the opening sequence was long and boring...then the first race happens and I almost fell asleep if it wasn't for the atrocious cinematography I would have...the shaking of the camera was the only thing that kept me awake but it also had the chance of being nauseating so I had to turn away a couple times due to it just hurting my eyes and being god awful camera work.
In the middle of the race I hear something that sounds like god awful acting...I was actually expecting a documentary movie rather than an action-less movie.
Once the terrible fight sequences started I went "ahh it's just a sh*t movie"...I watched to the end of the first race and I couldn't watch anymore after seeing all of the bad acting, writing and cliché garbage dialog.
So I stopped watching I think about 10-15 minutes in...this movie makes vomit appealing!