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Doctor Who: The Church on Ruby Road (2023)
How A Dr.Who Xmas Special should be done!
After three brilliant David Tennant specials, 'The Church On Ruby Road' saw Ncuti Gatwa take control of the Tardis, and an amazing Doctor he is too. Handsome, energetic, and charming. I don't have a problem with him singing - Jon Pertwee also sang in 'The Curse Of Peladon' back in 1972. As for the Doctor dancing, well he did that before too, in 2005's 'The Doctor Dances'. Millie Gibson likewise promises to be outstanding. Her 'Ruby' is a far cry from the tedious, shouty companions of the Moffat era. I'm glad that RTD is back. His Christmas specials were better than anyone else's because they were about Christmas, and not just set at Christmas. This story had all the right ingredients for Christmas viewing. I loved the goblins! I hope they return! The mystery of Mrs. Flood was very well done. I'm guessing she's one of the Doctor's former companions who remembers her time with the Doctor. Roll on May when the net series lands on our screens. If its anything like this episode, it will be worth the wait.
Doctor Who: The Star Beast (2023)
Welcome back David, Catherine and Russell!
'Dr. Who' is back, and back with a bang! 'The Star Beast' sees the welcome return of one of the greatest ever Doctors, the brilliant David Tennant, and its as if he's never been away. From the moment he stepped out of the TARDIS, he effortlessly became that that character again. Catherine Tate also returned as the marvellous 'Donna Noble', now married and with a daughter called 'Rose' ( Yasmin Finney ). The plot concerns a cute alien called a Meep ( voiced by Miriam Margolyes ) who claims he is being pursued by Wrarth warriors because of his expensive fur. Some fools have claimed this story is a rip-off of 'E. T' but it cannot be as it is based on a comic-strip published by Marvel UK back in 1980 ( two years before E. T. was made ). Thanks to a new co-production deal with Disney, this looks bigger and better than any Dr. Who since 'The End Of Time' back in 2009. I love the new-look TARDIS! Its white and with lots of ramps for David to run around on.
Dr. Who is still struggling to recover from the disastrous Steven Moffat tenure, but if this episode is anything to go by, the future looks promising. I'm sure Ncuti Gatwa will be a worthy successor to David. Never mind what the naysayers think!
Freddie Starr (1993)
Freddie Starr deserved better than this!
Two years after Benny Hill's death, Freddie Starr teamed up with producer Dennis Kirkland to make his terrible series, a poor imitation of Hill's Thames shows, replete with second bananas Derek Deadman and Bob Todd ( the latter would pass away soon afterwards, cementing this unfortunate enterprise as his final work. Starr later observed: "I felt the concept was all wrong!". Sadly, viewers felt that way too. Some of the items featuring guest stars of the calibre of Adam Faith and Frank Bruno were amusing, however. But the poorer sketches outweighed the good ones. Much better was 'The Freddie Starr Experience' from 1978 which, to date, is commercially unavailable.
Trouble in Mind (1991)
Richard O'Sullivan bows out in fine style
I'm guessing the negative reviews for this fine sitcom were written by young people. 'Trouble In Mind' is about a middle-aged man having a mid-life crisis. The character of 'Adam Charlesworth' was definitely not modelled on Robin Tripp. Richard O'Sullivan's previous series was the ghastly 'Me And My Girl' which wasted both his talents and those of his co-star, the late Tim Brooke-Taylor. This show was not designed for foul-mouthed youngsters. In 1991, the trend was for crass, vulgar 'comedies' such as 'Absolutely Fabulous'. 'Trouble In Mind' was aimed at a more discerning audience. O'Sullivan and Penhaligon had great onscreen chemistry. There was real wit in the scripts. My only regret is the show was not given a fair crack of the whip. Not crass and vulgar enough it seems.
Sez Les (1969)
Les The Laughter Maker
Les Dawson was a comedy genius. I'm baffled as why some people do not find him funny. He was simply brilliant. The mother in law jokes were only a small part of his act. He could entertain audiences without resorting to foul language, which sadly seems to be the norm today. He was at his best when he teamed up with Roy Barraclough and together they recreated Norman Evans famous' Over The Garden Wall' routine. John Cleese ( fresh from 'Monty Python' ) also appeared in some episodes as a straight man. One of Les' most remembered characters was 'Superflop', a spoof of 'Superman'. David Nobbs ( of 'Reginald Perrin' fame wrote many of the sketches. So, yes, I loved 'Sez Les' and don't care its dated or not. Les was still a huge star when he died at the start of the Nineties.
Yus My Dear (1976)
Arthur Mullard deserved better than this!
I cannot believe someone regards this terrible LWT sitcom as a 'forgotten classic'! The scripts were dire, and Arthur Mullard and Queenie Watts had nothing to work with. We are supposed to accept layabout Wally has at last got a job on a building site and that he and Lil are now living in a council house. Furthermore, Wally's bone idle brother Benny ( Mike Reid ) keeps sponging off them, and they don't do anything about it! Thankfully, after only two seasons, the show was scrapped. It was a pity because Wally and Lil were strong comedy characters. They were seen to much better comic effect not only in 'Romany Jones' but also the 1973 film 'Holiday On The Buses'.
Down the 'Gate (1975)
Reg Varney deserved better than this!
'On The Buses' ended with 1973 with Michael Robbins and Reg Varney both having bailed out. Thankfully, they returned for the third ( and best ) spin-off movie - 'Holiday On The Buses'. Reg then did two seasons of a solo show in which he played the piano and performed sketches. In 1975, he came up with the idea for a sitcom about Billingsgate fish porters. Reg was 'Reg Furnell', a very Stan Butler-like character, only not so funny. Dilys Laye played 'Irene', his devoted wife. With scenes divided equally between the fish market and Reg's house, the show was clearly trying to ape the success of 'Buses'. It did not work. The scripts were terrible. Percy Herbert was added to the show to provide an authority character akin to 'Blakey'. Viewers were not amused nor impressed. 'Down The Gate' was scrapped after two seasons. Reg was seen to better comic effect in 'The Rag Trade' a decade earlier.
Tripper's Day (1984)
Leonard Rossiter deserved better than this!
Following the flop of the series 'The Losers', Leonard Rossiter stayed away from television comedy for a long time. He finally returned, in 1984, with this show set in a supermarket. Written by Brian Cooke ( one half of the writing team behind 'Father dear Father' and 'Man About The House' and 'George & Mildred' ), it should have been a big success. It was not, and the quality of the scripts was mainly to blame. Rossiter then had the misfortune to die mid-way through its run. Thankfully, he probably never saw the hostile reviews it got. A second season would never have occurred had he lived. The ratings began to improve after the star's death, and so it was decided to reboot it as 'Slinger's Day' starring Bruce Forsyth. That was better, but not much. The only noteworthy thing about Tripper's Day is the catchy electronic theme, composed by Paddy Kingsland.
Doctor in Charge (1972)
There are no 'poorer episodes''
'Doctor in Charge' saw Barry Evans' Upton depart and be replaced by 'Duncan Waring' from 'Doctor In The House', again played by Robin Nedwell. Other than that, it was business as usual, with the episodes once more being set in St. Swithins hospital. The quality of the episodes is generally first-class. If there any 'poorer episodes', I am unaware of them. A young Tony Robinson ( of 'Blackadder' fame ) appears in two episodes as accident prone 'Reggie Grace'. The unexpected popularity of Richard O'Sullivan's 'Bingham' led to him being giving a wife in the shape of prissy 'Dr. Mary Parsons', played by Helen Fraser. I agree with the general consensus that this is the best of the 'Doctor' series.
Doctor at Large (1971)
Definitely not patchy
'Doctor At Large' took Michael Upton, Paul Collier and Dick Stuart-Clark away from St. Swithins hospital and to various general practices, run by 'Major Maxwell' ( Arthur Lowe ), Dr. Whitehead' ( Fabia Drake ) and the hypocondriac 'Dr. Griffin' ( Brian Oulton ). Eventually, the lads returned to St. Swithins. A new character, the pompous 'Dr. Lawrence Bingham'( Richard O'Sullivan ) was introduced into the mix, and quickly became a firm favourite with viewers. Barry would leave at the end of the series, and was replaced by Robin Nedwell. Some of the episodes were credited to a writer named 'Oliver Fry'. This was in fact an alias for George Layton.
Doctor Who: The Power of the Doctor (2022)
A magnificent end to a magnificent era
Chris Chibnall is to be congratulated on getting 'Dr. Who' back on track following the horrendous Steven Moffat era ( muddled storylines, weak companions, deus et machina endings ) . 'The Power Of The Doctor' was a magnificent conclusion. The so-called low ratings began on Moffat's watch. It is sad however that Whitaker has had to endure sexism from people who should know better. This is the 21st century, not the 18th. I hope Ncuti Gatwa does not get hounded by racists when he takes on the role next year. Among Chibnall's many achievements is the fact that diversity is now the norm in the show. 'Dr. Who' should never pander to right-wingers. 'Rosa' and 'Demons Of The Punjab' were absolute classics. 'Power' swept along with plenty of action and the returning Doctors and companions were a joy to watch. I was amused however by the press coverage of David Tennant's return. Viewers were surprised ( we were told ) even though his return was public knowledge for over a year now. It is great he is coming back. He is one of the very best Doctors. As indeed is Jodie.
Fiddlers Three: The Man Most Likely To (1991)
Meet the Sugar Balls Man!
An episode of the 1991 office comedy.
Ralph ( Peter Davison ) is teed off because wife Ros ( Paula Wilcox ) keeps pestering him to buy a split-level grille for the kitchen. Not only would this be very expensive, but also pointless as all he gets for breakfast is toast and Sugar Balls breakfast cereal. Ralph has another problem to deal with - ex-school bully Reggie Parsons ( Paul Darrow ) is in the area on business, and appears to have done well for himself. Borrowing boss J. J. Morley's house while he is away, Ralph attempts to con Reggie into thinking it is his. All goes well until J. J. comes home unexpectedly early...
The original version of this episode ( part of the 1970's series 'The Squirrels' ) ) had Philip Madoc as 'Reggie'. Darrow is every bit as arrogant as 'Avon', his character in 'Blake's Seven'. Cindy Marshall-Day looks a lot like Wendy Richard of 'Are You Being Served?' fame. At the time of writing, 'Fiddlers Three' is commercially unavailable. I think it should be released along with 'Haggard', another Eric Chappell creation. Did I hear someone say it'll never come out? Well, it could happen. Far less remembered series such as 'Alcock And Gander' and 'Sadie, Its Cold Outside' got released, didn't they? 'Fiddlers Three' is a decent show, far better than the rubbish that's going out now.
Funniest moment - the final scene. Ralph claims £25 off the Sugar Balls Man. Recognising the voice, he pulls off the man's mask. It is Reggie! Oh how the mighty have fallen!
Casino Royale (1967)
The film that inspired 'No Time To Die'
When Daniel Craig's final 007 movie was released last year, It struck me as being remarkably similar to this 1967 all-star spoof. Here's the evidence; both movies begin with Bond in retirement and another 007 in his place. In both movies, an American is responsible for getting Bond back into action. In both movies, Bond has a daughter ( even their names are similar ). And both movies end with Bond apparently being killed in an explosion. Future film historians will find it hard to believe that the 1967 film was made first as it looks like a spoof of the Craig movie. The only thing we don't get in the latter is the SMERSH flying saucer.
'Casino Royale' frequently gets bashed for not taking 007 seriously. Which was the intention. How can you have a spy who wears a tuxedo, drinks Martinis, and drives a sports car? So the film makers decided to have some fun with the character. Just as Eon later did with the Roger Moore Bonds. Quite right too.
There's a lot to enjoy in this movie, from David Niven's dignified take on Bond, and Peter Sellers as the gambler hired to take Bond's place. Burt Bacharach's music, fun action scenes, and Michael Stringer's amazing sets.
Humourless Fleming fans really need to put away their hated of this movie and enjoy it for what it is - a product of its time, when Bond-mania ruled the world. An era we are never likely to see again.
The Batman (2022)
Holy Boredom, Batman!
Just when you think Batman could not sink lower than the Nolan movies, along comes this train wreck. It starts with heavy breathing on the soundtrack, and you think at first its going to be about the Yorkshire Ripper. Then, rich men keep being murdered and their bodies defaced by an unknown killer, who turns out to be the Riddler. The Penguin shows up and, like the Riddler, bears no resemblance to any previous incarnation of the character. Batman makes his entrance in a subway and roughs up some Warriors-style thugs in a not-very exciting sequence. Why do modern movies insist on giving Batman a low, breathy voice? He sounds as though he is making obscene phone calls to women. Here Batman is portrayed as just as psychotic as his enemies. Robert Pattison has all the charm of a dead slug.
The charm and wit of previous Batman versions is completely gone. Twenty minutes into the film and I'd had enough. I donated my DVD copy to a charity shop the next day. Its still there, apparently. A lot of people love the movie, but then a lot of people also loved 'Howard The Duck' when it came out. I had to watch the animated features 'Return Of The Caped Crusader' and 'Batman Vs. Two-Face' immediately afterwards to try and erase the memory of Matt Reeves' stinker. Please, Matt, don't do any more!
Paul Squire Esq. (1983)
Its a Squire world
Up and coming comedian Paul Squire proved such a hit at a Royal Variety Performance that he landed not one, but several series, of which this was the second, and, by far and away, the worst. Ghastly does not begin to do it justice as a description. He did his best with the cliched format and limited material, but it never rose above the average. It chiefly consisted of sketches interspersed with guest stars ( whoever was in the pop charts that week ).
It is true the alternative comedy brigade were not fans of Squire, but then they also did not like old school comics such as Benny Hill and Les Dawson, so he was in good company. Squire was not the only impressionist to do a belly flop on 80's television. Exactly the same thing happened a few years earlier to Faith Brown on London Weekend. Funny lady, shame about the show ( 'The Faith Brown Chat Show' in case you are wondering ).
If anyone's championing 'Paul Squire Esq' as a forgotten comedy classic, they need to think again. It was a sad misuse of a talented comic performer.
It Was Alright in the 70s (2014)
It was Brilliant in the 70's!
There's not much more I can add to the excellent reviews here already, so just let me state for the record that I strongly believe the 1970's to have been the highpoint of British television. You want proof? 'I Claudius', 'Jesus Of Nazareth', 'Elisabeth R', 'Callan', 'Colditz', 'Secret Army', 'Upstairs Downstairs', 'Doomwatch', 'Survivors', 'Shoestring' and groundbreaking documentaries like 'The World At War', 'Johnny Go Home', and 'Disappearing World'. What have we got today? 'Big Brother', 'I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here!', 'The Only Way Is Essex', 'Bring Back Borstal', 'The X-Factor', and 'The Jeremy Kyle Show'. 'Dr.Who' was far better then than it is now, even with its inferior special effects.
'It Was Alright In The 70's' was akin to watching a bald-headed man laughing at a man with a receding hairline. At a time when television companies are struggling to put out anything of quality, it beggars belief that anyone has the nerve to go in front of a camera and put the boot into what was on forty years ago. Matt Lucas, the narrator, is no stranger to bad programmes, having co- starred and co-written the single worst comedy sketch show of all time - 'Little Britain'.
Yes, there was some bad stuff around, such as 'Crossroads'. Yes, there was racism, sexism, and homophobia on television then, but that was because it existed in the real world ( as it sadly does today ). The difference is that 1970's television was not afraid to tell the truth about the world we live in. Characters like 'Alf Garnett' were accurate depictions of small-minded bigots. We were invited to laugh at him, and that's how it should be.
Comedy? Right. There was 'Fawlty Towers', 'Steptoe And Son', 'Dad's Army', 'The Morecambe & Wise Show', 'Monty Python's Flying Circus', 'The Goodies', Rising Damp' 'Whatever Happened To The Likely Lads', 'Porridge', 'The Good Life', 'The Fall And Rise Of Reginald Perrin', and 'Ripping Yarns'. Its telling that the most successful sitcoms of recent years - Mrs.Brown's Boys' and 'Miranda' - have imitated the style of some of these shows.
So get off your high horse, Channel 4. 1970's television standards have never been equalled, much less surpassed.
Doctor Who: The Day of the Doctor (2013)
The crowning of 'King' Tennant
David Tennant was recently voted 'Best Doctor Of All Time' by 'Radio Times' readers. Anyone who wonders why should be made to watch 'The Day Of The Doctor'. From the moment he appeared on screen - galloping out of the TARDIS on a horse - he effortlessly reclaimed his greatest role. No clowning about with Tommy Cooper hats, no spinning round the console room, no face pulling or falling out of hammocks, he nailed his colours to the mast with panache and élan. Tennant was back with a vengeance! John Hurt was also magnificent as the Eccleston-substitute 'Doctor', a angst-ridden character who made the wrong decision, and wiped out the Time Lords.
After four years, Matt Smith has finally learnt how to play the Doctor properly. He was remarkably restrained, and his double-act with Tennant a joy to watch. Why oh why could he not have been like this all along? Now his era is almost done he's actually starting to impress. Its too late! The story itself consisted of two strands - the Zygons trying to secure the secret of Time Travel from the Black Archive, and the Tennant and Smith Doctors trying to stop Hurt's from destroying Gallifrey. Regular readers of my reviews will know that I am not a big fan of post-2009 Moffat, but here Steve pulled out all the stops. The story was big, brash and bold - and it needed to be. If 'An Adventure In Space & Time' was a love letter to Hartnell's era, then 'The Day Of The Doctor' was a fitting tribute to Russell T.Davies' tenure as show-runner. In particular, it was cut from the same cloth as 2008's 'Journey's End' and 2009's 'The End Of Time'.
The glimpse of incoming 'Doctor' Peter Capaldi was wonderful, and the cameo by Tom Baker an unexpected bonus. So well done Moffat ( I never thought I'd be writing these words! ), happy anniversary 'Dr.Who' and I look forward to seeing Peter Capaldi's Doctor embarking on an epic quest to find Gallifrey ( just think - Romana and Leela never died! Yay! ). If he's as good as I think he's going to be, we are in for a real treat. For the first time in years, I feel good about my favourite programme again.
By the way, I hope you all saw 'The Five Doctors( ish ) Reboot'. It was hilarious. Someone should give these guys their own series.
Doctor Who: The Name of the Doctor (2013)
I can think of a few names to call Moffat
With 'The Name Of The Doctor', another season of 'Dr.Who' limps ( the Cybermen episode was pathetic, and Mark Gatiss' contributions well below his usual standard ) to a conclusion. Having given us some of the worst episodes in living memory, Steven Moffat surpassed himself with this. It has the Doctor and Clara going to Trenzalore to visit his grave. And there lies its major fault. It seems incredible that some people are still complaining about flatulent aliens in Russell T. Davies' era while applauding Moffat for rewriting the show in his own image. He is doing to the show what Brannon and Braga did to 'Star Trek'. Does anybody really give a fig who the Doctor is? I am more interested in what he does. He should be a mysterious individual who appears from nowhere, solves a problem, and then leaves. By making an issue of the Doctor's name - although we never found it out - Moffat is destroying the 'Who' legend.
Its bad enough that he 'married' the Doctor to River Song, but now we have to endure Clara popping up to advise past Doctors ( did it not occur to Moffat how ridiculous is the spectacle of the First Doctor taking advice from a human girl who has suddenly appeared from nowhere? He'd would be more likely to shove his walking cane up her nose and utter the Gallifreyan equivalent of 'clear off, you foolish child'! ). Matt Smith gave his usual bizarre 'performance' - an amphetamine-fuelled tribute to 'Dr.Strangelove' with a chunk of Steve Martin in 'All Of Me' thrown in - while new companion Jenna-Louise Coleman has all the personality of a mollusk. Short of having the Doctor snort cocaine and indulging in Max Mosley-style orgies, there is not much left Moffat can do wrong with this show. He seems determined to strip away all the mystery from it. The next thing you know, he'll be showing us the Doctor's house on Gallifrey, his birth certificate, and constructing story arcs around the quest to find the Doctor's crib!
Its high time that the fans had an attack of honesty and admitted that Moffat has been a train wreck of a show runner. If he carries on like this, I fear the end will soon be in sight for the good Doctor. In fact, I fear it might already be too late.
Doctor Who: The Snowmen (2012)
Another Dreadful Moffat Xmas Flop
I would love to be able to go back to 2004 and post on the various 'Dr.Who' forums that the new series should feature a comedy Sontaran, and lines like "Sir, please don't noogle me during combat prep!". I wonder what the response would have been.
Steven Moffat's first two Xmas 'Dr.Who' episodes were duds, and so was this. It was part-'Crackerjack' pantomime, part 'Mary Poppins' on a budget. It started out interestingly with the face appearing in a snowflake, and the snowman talking to the little boy, but when the girl followed the Doctor's hansom cab and stuck her head through the roof before going "Doctor Whooooooo!", my heart sank. It was the usual gibberish. After 'River Song', the last thing I wanted to see was yet another 'mysterious' companion ( especially as we all know the big reveal will turn out to be a cop-out ). The 'Merlin' conclusion ( shown on Xmas Eve ) had more going for it. There was so much wrong with this - a giant lottery machine full of snow, gay Silurians, the TARDIS floating on a cloud and accessible through a spiral staircase, the Doctor dressing up as 'Sherlock Holmes' ( how embarrassing was that? ), the frozen governess exclaiming 'that's the way to do it!', and the Great Intelligence using snowmen instead of Yetis ( all the Doctor needed to do was build a flame thrower and he didn't ) - that I hardly know where to start. The 'snowmen' were underused, and seemed only there to provide a marketing hook rather than drive the story.
Its high time Moffat moved on, and took Smith with him. If we must have Richard E.Grant in 'Dr.Who', please cast him as the Doctor. He was wasted as the villain. The best piece of 'Dr.Who' I've seen all year is the Loose Cannon reconstruction of 'The Daleks Master Plan' starring the great William Hartnell.
The 70s (2012)
The flip-side of Dominic snide
When Channel 4 started in 1982 one of its earliest ( and greatest ) achievements was 'The Sixties', a sober and thoughtful look back at an event-packed decade. Since then, retro programmes have tended to lean towards contempt for their subject matter. Dominic Sandbrook's 'The 70's' ties in with a new book 'Seasons In The Sun, The Battle For Britain 74-79', and promised to take a fresh look at a much-derided era, but after an interesting first episode, quickly deteriorated into hoary clichés about strikes and power cuts. The impression given was that the strikers were more interested in changing the government from Tory to Labour than trying to improve their pay and working conditions. We should, of course, expect this sort of thing from a right-wing historian who writes a column for The Daily Mail. But surely, the first duty of a historian is impartiality. How then is the viewer to know when Dominic is telling the truth or merely pushing a distorted point of view?
I suppose I should nail my own colours to the mast at this point. I was eight years old in 1970, and have nothing but happy memories of the decade. Dominic, on the other hand, was not born until 1974 and his memories probably go no further than potty training, 'The Muppet Show', and Farley's Rusks. Yet he is being promoted as an all-knowing, all-seeing commentator on the decade. As Alison Graham of 'The Radio Times' has pointed out, Dominic treats the 70's as though it was The Stone Age: "Look at those people! Didn't they look silly in their flared trousers? Ha-ha! What about that long hair, eh? Hee, hee!". The end result looks like the old 'Cadbury's Smash' mashed potato advert where aliens roar with laughter because humans are still using potato peelers. Much of what Dominic had to say is based on generalisations e.g. 'in the 70's, we all did this and we all drank that and we all went there on holiday!". Millions did not do half the things he describes. He alleged that 'Jason King' was a milestone in 70's popular culture, in fact it was far less of a viewers' favourite than 'Van Der Valk'. There was no late-night shopping in those days, so where did the clip of people pushing trolleys by candlelight come from? He says that 'Confessions Of A Window Cleaner' was a 'low point in British cinema'. If he'd been to the cinema in recent years, he'd have seen 'masterpieces' such as 'Lesbian Vampire Killers'.
I agree with Graham when she says 'we didn't all like and do the same things in the 70's'. Dominic takes a contrary view. There was no mention whatever of the arrival of decimalisation, or the Sex Discrimination Act, the Equal Pay Act or any of the many positives from the era. He infers that the Royal Jubilee in 1977 was the decade's highpoint. In fact it was - like this year's up and coming event - a waste of public money.
If people think the 70's was the worst decade in human history, it is largely down to people like Dominic. The 30's was far worse, with its mass unemployment and the threat of fascism, and so was the 80's, with its mass unemployment and the terrifying threat of nuclear war. Five's 2005 series 'The 70's: The Decade That Was' told us far more about the era than Dominic's limp, patronising effort. The station really ought to repeat it.
Doctor Who: The Doctor, the Widow and the Wardrobe (2011)
Another load of piffle from The Moffat Fairytale Factory
2011 will surely go down in 'Dr.Who' history as an 'annus horribilis' ( horrible year ). Firstly, we lost both Nicholas Courtney and Elisabeth Sladen, 'Dr.Who Confidential' was axed from B.B.C.-3 schedules, the show failed to win a sausage at the National Television Awards, and Steven Moffat's scripts plummeted new depths of inanity, completely abandoning logic and drama. It is hard to decide which was sillier; was it 'Let's Kill Hitler' which despite the title barely featured Old Adolf, 'A Good Man Goes To War' which boasted headless monks battling it out with light sabres, or 'The Wedding Of River Song' with the cast running about in eye patches for no apparent reason. It could not get much worse. But, on 25th December, it did. 'The Doctor, The Widow, & The Wardrobe' pulled off the seemingly impossible feat of being more dreadful even than last year's train wreck 'A Christmas Carol'.
It begins with an opening shot copied from 'Star Wars Episode Four - A New Hope' with a huge spaceship flying into view. It then explodes. The Doctor is aboard. He tries to help the pilot to safety, but the man dies, and so the Doctor takes his suit, fitting the helmet back to front. He then pulls off the astonishing feat of falling hundreds of miles to Earth without burning up in the atmosphere. This disregard for the laws of physics was last seen in 'Superman 4 - The Quest For Peace' back in 1987, not generally regarded as a great movie. Questions go unanswered, such as where the spaceship came from, where it was going to, who the pilot was, and how the Doctor get aboard without the aid of the Tardis. Back on 1938 Earth, he is given a lift by 'Madge Arwell' ( Clare Skinner ). He vows to repay her act of kindness one day. Three years later, the war is on, and Reg ( Alexander Armstrong ), Madge's husband, is missing in action, but she has not told her kids, 'Cyril' ( Maurice Cole ) and 'Lily' ( Holly Earl ). The family move to a house in the country, where they meet the Doctor posing as the 'caretaker'. Incredibly, Madge fails to recognise him, even though Matt Smith has the kind of face one could possibly not forget.
Cyril is lured through a glowing Xmas present into a snow-covered forest in which dwells in a lighthouse a wooden king and a queen ( no, I am not making this up! ). Also around are three miners from 'Androzani Major' ( how Robert Holmes must be spinning in his grave at one of his creations being misused in this way! ). Two are played by Arabella Weir and Bill Bailey and serve no use in the plot at all. To cut a long ( and boring ) story short, this is essentially 'Warriors' Gate' from 1980 revisited, and given a treacly 'Narnia' makeover. Nothing of any interest happens. Watching it was like being made to eat ten Xmas puddings simultaneously. Nice at first, but after a while I felt sick. The lack of originality is matched only by the poor execution. There is no sense of danger, no villainous plot to overcome, nothing for the Doctor to actually do.
Its been said that whereas Russell Davies' Xmas specials were merely set at Xmas, this one is actually about Xmas, I would argue that ripping off old stories is not a good thing unless one brings something new to them. This fails on all levels. There is also an extra emphasis on wacky comedy - witness the Doctor falling out of a hammock. I suspect the only person to find the scene hilarious was Moffat himself.
Just as it looked as though we were going to get through the programme without any sign of 'Amy', there she was at the end, still wearing the same expression she had when little Melody was kidnapped. If there are to be more 'Who' specials, is it too much too hope that Moffat will relinquish the writing duties to someone with an imagination. The 2011 edition proves that he has exhausted himself of ideas. The programme ended for the first time ever without a trailer for future episodes. That was for me the highlight. As soon as it ended, I put on a Philip Hinchcliffe era D.V.D. ( 'The Brain Of Morbius', if you must know ) to remind myself what real 'Dr.Who' is supposed to look like.
Doctor Who: The Wedding of River Song (2011)
The Shredding of Dr.Who
The mysteries of the universe - is reincarnation possible? Does life exist on other planets? Is there a monster in Loch Ness? What on earth was the finale of 'Dr.Who' Season 6 all about?
Since Steven Moffat replaced Russell T.Davies as show-runner, the quality of the scripts have dropped alarmingly, hence episodes which previously would have been regarded as merely 'okay' - such as 'The Girl Who Waited' and 'The God Complex' - are acclaimed as masterpieces just because Moffat's own efforts have been so pitiful by comparison, and this was no exception. In fact it was so bad at times it made me nostalgic for 'The Horns Of Nimon'! It had all the hallmarks of recent 'Who' - dreadfully dire dialogue, wooden mugging from the leads, and a feeling of 'we know this is no good, but we don't care'.
2010's Weeping Angels two-parter was the last story of his to actually make any kind of sense, all his 'Who' work since has followed the same basic pattern - a convoluted continuity fest that goes nowhere and resolves nothing, almost as though the author was running for a bus when he came up with the plot. The opening appears to have been inspired by 'Monty Python' - cars floating over London on hot-air balloons, a steam train hurtling out of the Gherkin building, a pterodactyl attacking school kids in a park, and Charles Dickens ( Simon Callow ) interviewed on B.B.C.'s 'Breakfast Time'. All these things would be acceptable if the right context had been established beforehand - it was not. We are told that the Doctor's death made this bizarre future - where past, present, and future co-existed - possible. "Something's happened to time!", murmurs Emperor Winston Churchill ( Ian McNeice ), a classic piece of understatement. But how would he know this? Did Moffat send him a copy of the script?
Moffat does not seem to comprehend that science fiction requires stringent logic. If you open a script with a dinner party at a country house in the Edwardian era, say, and a caveman bursts in, holding a ray-gun, you have to explain why. This episode was supposed to have resolved the mystery of the Doctor's death at Lake Silencio. But who were the Silence? Why were they at Nixon's White House? What was the point of the time machines underground? Why did they hate the Doctor enough to kidnap Melody Pond at birth, so as to turn her into a killer for the Doctor? Why go to all that trouble? Hopefully, 'River Song' will make no further appearances in the show. No offence to Alex Kingston, but it was a mistake to have two enigmatic characters in the show. There should be only one - the Doctor.
The death of Nicholas Courtney was shamefully exploited in a scene where the Doctor phones a nursing home only to find out the Brigadier passed away a few months ago. David Tennant might have made this into a moving scene; Smith did not.
Moffat seems to be of the view that 'Dr.Who' viewers are obese, middle-aged men who live with their mothers and who don't question what they watch on television. The closing moments suggest a new 'arc' is planned for next year: "Doctor Who?". Hang on, Moff, you haven't properly finished the last arc yet!
0/10
Doctor Who: Let's Kill Hitler (2011)
Let's Lock Hitler In A Cupboard!
According to Patrick Mulkern of 'The Radio Times', 'Let's Kill Hitler' is a 'massively entertaining episode that's fizzing with spectacle, funny lines and breath-taking twists'. He must have seen a completely different episode to the one I viewed - I found it a massively boring farrago with as much fizz as a flat bottle of Tizer and shot through with insane, half-baked ideas ( the shape-changing robot inhabited by a 'Star Trek'-like crew ), leaden dialogue and breathtakingly awful acting ( from Smith and Gillan ).
Ignoring the finale of the previous episode - 'A Good Man Goes To War' - it shifted the story away from Amy and Rory discovering their baby 'Melody' is really River Song, to them finding crop circles outside their home village of Leadworth. Why? We then got pointless flashbacks to their childhood, and the introduction of a previously unmentioned loudmouthed friend called 'Mels' who then ( surprise, surprise ) turns to be really River. The story then moves to 1938 and a brief encounter with Hitler ( why bother mentioning him in the title if he is not a major character in the plot? ). Moffat then decided the story wasn't really about Hitler after all, and focused instead on a newly-regenerated River. All these elements needed a coherent plot to make them work - they didn't get one. How many of us yelled at the screen during the Doctor's ludicrously unconvincing 'I've been poisoned' scene: "Go on! Regenerate! Turn into someone else! Please!".
As the episode unfolded, I sat shaking my head in utter disbelief. It is incredible that something so stupid ever made it to television. Every aspect was jaw-droppingly bad. Moffat is on a colossal ego trip, so busy is he building up mysteries he forgets to care about things like plot. character, excitement, and entertainment. He is repeating the mistakes John Nathan-Turner made back in the '80's. He thinks the viewers will wait patiently as the story unfolds over a period of months/years. They will be more likely to switch off. There are signs this is beginning to happen now. When the Doctor appeared dressed in top hat and tails, I came close to throwing a brick at the set. What in the name of all that is holy is Moffat doing to my once-favourite show? It is like watching a close relative being tortured. Since 2009, his episodes have plumbed new depths for sheer awfulness. 'Warriors Of The Deep' from 1984 looks like a classic compared to some of Moffat's recent efforts.
I was amused at the comment of a fan boy who said 'L.K.H.' makes sense on the tenth viewing. Nothing in the world would induce me to sit through it more than once. I'd rather have teeth drilled without anaesthetic.
Its depressing to see so many have been taken in Moffat's spin about the show being 'darker' and scarier. It was dark before, particularly with the excellent 'The Waters Of Mars'. Scary? Try watching 'Inferno' and 'Terror Of The Autons'. Though over 40 years old, both outdo anything seen in the present series.
I will continue to watch 'Dr.Who', but as long as Moffat continues to churn out dross such as this, I will remain pessimistic about its long-term future.
Rating 0/10
Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me (1999)
No, baby, no!
Lame sequel to a not very amusing original. The first 'Austin Powers' spy spoof bombed at the box office ( crushed by 'The Lost World - Jurassic Park' ), but became a surprise hit on video. It ended with our hero marrying the lovely 'Vanessa' ( Liz Hurley ). But of course she had to be killed off to get him single again. So at what point in the first picture was Vanessa replaced by one of Dr.Evil's fem-bots? Never explained. Some might argue that this does not matter as it is only a comedy. Well, comedy does require stringent logic.
Mike Myers clearly has no idea how to end a joke properly. Most other comics would be content to let the gags stand, but he milks them until you want to scream. The low point comes with the introduction of 'Fat Bastard', a flatulent, obese Scotsman. The character manages to be offensive without being funny. Myers is no Peter Sellers, and lacks the range to play different characters. 'Mini-Me', played by Verne Troyer, is just plain annoying.
Most of the gags are recycled from the first film, and were not particularly amusing the first time. The desperation is never more evident than in the scene where Powers drinks excrement. In that foul concoction, he might have found a copy of the script of this film.
Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie (1996)
Its a mystery why this film was ever made
Watching 'MST3K - The Movie', I came to the conclusion that it deserved to be on 'MST3K - The Television Series' far more than 'Danger Diabolik', 'Squirm' or 'Phase 4'. Bad script, ham acting, lame jokes, poor special effects - it had the lot. It also managed to insult one of the finest science fiction films of the '50's - 'This Island Earth'. Why that particular movie? Could they not find something more suitable, such as 'Plan 9 From Outer Space'? The sad thing is that its audience will never know how good a film 'This Island Earth' is because all they have seen of it is a silly send-up. The funniest line in the whole 90 minutes was "I've farted!" and that tells you all you need to know. The 'MST3K' brigade do not seem to be aware that any idiot can laugh at an old movie, especially if it is of its time. It takes real intelligence to be able to look at 'This Island Earth' and see it for what it is, an imaginative and exciting sci-fi picture.
'MST3K' bombed on its release, and the show itself was cancelled a few years later, so one good thing came out of it at least.