Not a "video short". Just an extremely low budget music video for Martika's self-released, terrible song of the same title that was a depressing attempt at a comeback.
Reviews
19 Reviews
Not even enough sexual content to save this garbage
23 September 2019
Steam Room stories, the web series, had moments of charm mixed in with the shirtless beefcake, but this film is bottom of the barrel bad. The plot is so tired it's laughable. (Insert establishment) is in danger of shutting down because (insert reason owner owes money) and evil (insert stock villain) wants to take it over." In this case it's "gym, didn't pay taxes, beauty magnate who's looking for the fountain of youth."
The worst part is how the characters talk to each other. Nobody actually talks this way, but they don't take it so over the top that it's camp, so instead it just seems like bad writing. Example: a group of buddies decides they'll no longer small talk about sex, and one declares "Ok then! No more talking about poon or peen." Sure, that's a thing someone would say.
The worst part is how the characters talk to each other. Nobody actually talks this way, but they don't take it so over the top that it's camp, so instead it just seems like bad writing. Example: a group of buddies decides they'll no longer small talk about sex, and one declares "Ok then! No more talking about poon or peen." Sure, that's a thing someone would say.
RuPaul
(2019)
RuPaul's New Talk Show a Total Dud
24 June 2019
RuPaul the drag performer has tons of personality. RuPaul the wanna-be new age guru, not so much.
For half a decade RuPaul has been setting himself up to be a modern spirituality talking head, and his fans have not been buying it. From insisting that contestants on his hit reality show confront their "inner saboteur" to repeating the same 10-15 upbeat catch phrases that made him famous in the early 90's, Ru desperately wants to be the new Oprah.
This new talk show proves that he's not.
Middle America may briefly fall for it, but in the three week, 15 episode test run of the show, RuPaul sucks the life out of every interview. For someone whose philosophy seems to be "Don't take life so seriously," he seems bound and determined to turn every interview into a joyless effort to find deeper, darker emotional weight where there is none.
In his interview with comedian Billy Eichner, the comic jokes that he has to "dress as a Hasidic Jew" when going on dates; to which RuPaul replies "Now... is having the same faith important to you?", setting Eichner aback. After interviewing actress Chrissy Metz, who tells a story about struggling for 3 years to find work in Los Angeles, Ru cluelessly asks "Now what was it like for you out in LA?" to which she replies "Well...as we've established, it was rough."
This is the crux of RuPaul's problem as a host: he doesn't actually seem to be listening. Instead he's latching onto brief interview points from a pre-provided list, and then going down that trail regardless of what's actually being said to him. Every time someone offers a joyful tidbit, he insists on turning it back around to some talking point about self-love and acceptance and the journey of life. He even finds a way to make a man's makeover about how life is about change. (Spoiler: the thin, young, handsome white guy continues to be thin, young, handsome and white after they cut his hair.)
Scanning any fan forums of RuPaul's Drag Race reveals that no one is actually watching it for RuPaul anymore. Fans of the show are sick of his half-cocked Jungian philosophy and randomly peppered in quotes from self-help books. They want the sassy pop culture drag queen they have loved for more than twenty years.
To that end, in "RuPaul" the talk show, she is nowhere to be found.
For half a decade RuPaul has been setting himself up to be a modern spirituality talking head, and his fans have not been buying it. From insisting that contestants on his hit reality show confront their "inner saboteur" to repeating the same 10-15 upbeat catch phrases that made him famous in the early 90's, Ru desperately wants to be the new Oprah.
This new talk show proves that he's not.
Middle America may briefly fall for it, but in the three week, 15 episode test run of the show, RuPaul sucks the life out of every interview. For someone whose philosophy seems to be "Don't take life so seriously," he seems bound and determined to turn every interview into a joyless effort to find deeper, darker emotional weight where there is none.
In his interview with comedian Billy Eichner, the comic jokes that he has to "dress as a Hasidic Jew" when going on dates; to which RuPaul replies "Now... is having the same faith important to you?", setting Eichner aback. After interviewing actress Chrissy Metz, who tells a story about struggling for 3 years to find work in Los Angeles, Ru cluelessly asks "Now what was it like for you out in LA?" to which she replies "Well...as we've established, it was rough."
This is the crux of RuPaul's problem as a host: he doesn't actually seem to be listening. Instead he's latching onto brief interview points from a pre-provided list, and then going down that trail regardless of what's actually being said to him. Every time someone offers a joyful tidbit, he insists on turning it back around to some talking point about self-love and acceptance and the journey of life. He even finds a way to make a man's makeover about how life is about change. (Spoiler: the thin, young, handsome white guy continues to be thin, young, handsome and white after they cut his hair.)
Scanning any fan forums of RuPaul's Drag Race reveals that no one is actually watching it for RuPaul anymore. Fans of the show are sick of his half-cocked Jungian philosophy and randomly peppered in quotes from self-help books. They want the sassy pop culture drag queen they have loved for more than twenty years.
To that end, in "RuPaul" the talk show, she is nowhere to be found.
Oddly From These Reviews it Seems People Have Missed the Point
6 June 2019
Warning: Spoilers
A lot of people going on in their reviews about how this episode is about phones/social media 'taking over our lives,' which makes me feel like they've missed the point.
The point is that we've invested an hour, as viewers, into watching this dramatic situation unfold. Someone's life at the end has been horribly ended - it really doesn't matter which character. It's world breaking news.
And yet this tragedy, for most everyone of the 7 billion of us roaming the Earth, gets boiled down to nothing more than a 3 second glance at a screen.
All those people at the end get their little device alerts, and look down at their phone briefly, and then dismiss it and never think about it again.
That's the point. That our lives are little more to each other than a blip on a screen, and then forgotten. That we've substituted real human connections, actually caring about one another, with a blipping notification.
Much like several other "Black Mirror" episodes, it's the button presented in those last moments in the credits that really sew up the point.
The point is that we've invested an hour, as viewers, into watching this dramatic situation unfold. Someone's life at the end has been horribly ended - it really doesn't matter which character. It's world breaking news.
And yet this tragedy, for most everyone of the 7 billion of us roaming the Earth, gets boiled down to nothing more than a 3 second glance at a screen.
All those people at the end get their little device alerts, and look down at their phone briefly, and then dismiss it and never think about it again.
That's the point. That our lives are little more to each other than a blip on a screen, and then forgotten. That we've substituted real human connections, actually caring about one another, with a blipping notification.
Much like several other "Black Mirror" episodes, it's the button presented in those last moments in the credits that really sew up the point.
Fat
(2013)
Beautiful Film
7 November 2018
Such a well acted, well written film about a man whose self-loathing around his body causes a domino effect in the rest of his life.
I am honestly writing this review to combat what was posted in someone else's super ignorant, bigoted review where they felt the need to state, quote, "WARNING: This film contains graphic depictions of obese male nudity."
First, this is false. Unless the cut of the film presented at film festivals was very different from what is available on Amazon, there is literally no nudity in the film. The main actor, Mel Rodriguez, is shown at one brief moment sitting on a toilet with no clothes on, but we don't see his genitals at all. In other moments he is shown in quite conservative boxer shorts, and that is the extent of the alleged "nudity".
One assumes this person thinks that the idea of seeing a fat person undressed is so horrifying to the general public that they need to give them a WARNING as to the potential awfulness of it, which is deeply offensive and counter-intuitive to the film's message.
I am honestly writing this review to combat what was posted in someone else's super ignorant, bigoted review where they felt the need to state, quote, "WARNING: This film contains graphic depictions of obese male nudity."
First, this is false. Unless the cut of the film presented at film festivals was very different from what is available on Amazon, there is literally no nudity in the film. The main actor, Mel Rodriguez, is shown at one brief moment sitting on a toilet with no clothes on, but we don't see his genitals at all. In other moments he is shown in quite conservative boxer shorts, and that is the extent of the alleged "nudity".
One assumes this person thinks that the idea of seeing a fat person undressed is so horrifying to the general public that they need to give them a WARNING as to the potential awfulness of it, which is deeply offensive and counter-intuitive to the film's message.
People saying it got "too dark" weren't paying attention.
20 August 2018
Warning: Spoilers
Listen, this entire show is dark as Hell. Every major character has serious mental illness issues. They go back and forth between saying they care about each other and treating each other like garbage.
But to say that because Patty has killed two people by the end of this episode makes it "too dark and disturbing" is ridiculous. One of the people she killed had her handcuffed and was about to kill her, and she had no choice but to do it to escape. The other was stalking her and trying to coerce her into killing another person. She was in mortal danger, and although she may not have needed to go completely brutal with how she offed him, considering what she had been through for the 24 hours previous, is it really that shocking that she snapped?
But to say that because Patty has killed two people by the end of this episode makes it "too dark and disturbing" is ridiculous. One of the people she killed had her handcuffed and was about to kill her, and she had no choice but to do it to escape. The other was stalking her and trying to coerce her into killing another person. She was in mortal danger, and although she may not have needed to go completely brutal with how she offed him, considering what she had been through for the 24 hours previous, is it really that shocking that she snapped?
Shower
(I) (2012)
Gay men's sexuality once again presented with violence
31 May 2018
Warning: Spoilers
SPOILER: This film aims to be something provocative but only serves to be yet another trite display of internalized homophobia resulting in violence.
It's a simple setup. A man in a gym shower overhears another man masturbating in his own shower stall. He confronts him with revulsion that quickly turns to interest. He touches the man's shoulder, and kisses him at the moment of orgasm only to be interrupted by a third man emerging from the steam room. His reaction is to brutally and violently assault the man he was just kissing, leaving him in a pool of blood on the floor.
This is the kind of queer filmmaking we no longer need. Gay men's sexuality has been presented for so long as something that elicits a violent and fearful reaction, and it's been done to death, so this short film presents nothing new. It's meant to titillate and then shock with it's "surprise" moment of violence, but anyone who has been exposed to queer films for the last 30 years will see it coming a mile away.
It's a simple setup. A man in a gym shower overhears another man masturbating in his own shower stall. He confronts him with revulsion that quickly turns to interest. He touches the man's shoulder, and kisses him at the moment of orgasm only to be interrupted by a third man emerging from the steam room. His reaction is to brutally and violently assault the man he was just kissing, leaving him in a pool of blood on the floor.
This is the kind of queer filmmaking we no longer need. Gay men's sexuality has been presented for so long as something that elicits a violent and fearful reaction, and it's been done to death, so this short film presents nothing new. It's meant to titillate and then shock with it's "surprise" moment of violence, but anyone who has been exposed to queer films for the last 30 years will see it coming a mile away.
Bound
(2015 Video)
Cheap Mockbuster of "50 Shades" with 45 year old star
1 February 2018
There are two reasons people might see this film.
1.They are longtime fans of Charisma Carpenter. 2.They want some softcore porn.
Chances are a lot of them are looking for both.
This is nothing more than a cheaply made direct to video rip off of "50 Shades of Grey", what is known as a "Mockbuster" where producers rip off the plot and characters from a successful film and create a cheap fast version to profit from.
Besides being terribly written, directed and acted, it's a sad fact that age 45 (at the time of filming) Ms. Carpenter's sexual wiles are not exactly holding up.
The result is a middle aged woman trying to play the young sexpot, and it's somewhat uncomfortable to watch.
I'm not sure what kind of age they were attempting to make her character, but since Daniel Baldwin plays her father and is only 10 years older than her in real life, that added an additional pathetic element to the whole debacle.
If you want to see Charisma Carpenter topless, do a google image search and save yourself from enduring this dreck.
1.They are longtime fans of Charisma Carpenter. 2.They want some softcore porn.
Chances are a lot of them are looking for both.
This is nothing more than a cheaply made direct to video rip off of "50 Shades of Grey", what is known as a "Mockbuster" where producers rip off the plot and characters from a successful film and create a cheap fast version to profit from.
Besides being terribly written, directed and acted, it's a sad fact that age 45 (at the time of filming) Ms. Carpenter's sexual wiles are not exactly holding up.
The result is a middle aged woman trying to play the young sexpot, and it's somewhat uncomfortable to watch.
I'm not sure what kind of age they were attempting to make her character, but since Daniel Baldwin plays her father and is only 10 years older than her in real life, that added an additional pathetic element to the whole debacle.
If you want to see Charisma Carpenter topless, do a google image search and save yourself from enduring this dreck.
The Neighbors
(2014–2016)
Painfully racist, sexist, homophobic content ruins the potential for "So good it's bad!" fun
15 January 2018
With "The Neighbors" you get exactly what you're expecting from a Tommy Wiseau project: terrible acting and dialog, completely nonsensical interactions, bad direction, lighting and staging... the whole nine yards.
Unfortunately you also get characters that seem like walking talking racial and gender stereotypes straight out of 1996. In particular the black characters almost seem to exist to be offensive. If this is Tommy's idea of what black people are like inside his warped mind, he's not the harmless buffoon everyone seems to think they love.
Women are inexplicably running around in micro bikinis, women call each other dirty hos and sluts for no reason... the entire thing would be more offensive if it wasn't so incompetent.
Do yourself a favor and avoid this crap and just go watch "The Room" again.
Unfortunately you also get characters that seem like walking talking racial and gender stereotypes straight out of 1996. In particular the black characters almost seem to exist to be offensive. If this is Tommy's idea of what black people are like inside his warped mind, he's not the harmless buffoon everyone seems to think they love.
Women are inexplicably running around in micro bikinis, women call each other dirty hos and sluts for no reason... the entire thing would be more offensive if it wasn't so incompetent.
Do yourself a favor and avoid this crap and just go watch "The Room" again.
In a Season that Jumped the Shark, This Sinks to a New Low
30 December 2017
Warning: Spoilers
The second half of season 3 of "Fuller House" has unquestionably jumped the shark. The show's charm rests in the nostalgia it creates for adult fans who watched the original show, but as the stunts get more and more outrageous and the jokes get more and more inappropriate for families, this episode lands squarely in the "terrible" zone.
When Ramona plans a school dance that goes badly, the she-wolf pack jumps in to save the day. That's essentially the plot of the episode.
However, with every step every character in this episode takes, they make bad decisions that teach a terrible lesson.
Take Ramona. After Chad humiliates and bullies her in front of the entire school (which is about 20 kids?), he comes back grovelling and she brushes his behavior (not the first time) off like nothing happened, setting up a possible romantic connection. This kid is a dirtbag; why would she want to be with him in any capacity?
Meanwhile DJ, Stef and Kimmy set the standard of lying by saying Ramona was responsible for the revitalization of her homecoming party, when she wasn't.
The worst offense is that the jokes land flat throughout the episode, and this fairy tale theme isn't charming at all.
When Ramona plans a school dance that goes badly, the she-wolf pack jumps in to save the day. That's essentially the plot of the episode.
However, with every step every character in this episode takes, they make bad decisions that teach a terrible lesson.
Take Ramona. After Chad humiliates and bullies her in front of the entire school (which is about 20 kids?), he comes back grovelling and she brushes his behavior (not the first time) off like nothing happened, setting up a possible romantic connection. This kid is a dirtbag; why would she want to be with him in any capacity?
Meanwhile DJ, Stef and Kimmy set the standard of lying by saying Ramona was responsible for the revitalization of her homecoming party, when she wasn't.
The worst offense is that the jokes land flat throughout the episode, and this fairy tale theme isn't charming at all.
In Many Way, a Sister Episode to "San Junipero"
29 December 2017
Warning: Spoilers
Season 4 of "Black Mirror" starts off with this episode, which seems to be a spiritual sister of sorts to the heralded and acclaimed "San Junipero" episode from season 3.
Incorporating a lot of humor into it's dark subject matter, "USS Callister" focuses on a man who is the CTO of a gaming company. A quiet nerd type, he's generally ignored or maligned by coworkers even though he is essentially the top of the food chain at his company. He has created a virtual reality game in which one is completely immersed in a space travel galaxy.
To compensate for this indignity at work, he has created a mod for the game that turns it into a simulation of his favorite classic sci-fi TV show (essentially a parody of classic Star Trek.) He has found a way to take the DNA of unwitting real life people - in this case the coworkers he has felt slighted by - and put them into the game as avatars. He gets this DNA from coffee cups around the office, or similar sources.
When a new, attractive young woman begins interning at the office, the two seem to spark a connection. This is quickly thwarted when another co-worker warns her away from him. Angry at this rejection, he quickly swipes her DNA and puts her into the game too.
The catch? All of these avatars in the game are completely self-aware. They know who they were out in the real world and retain those complete personalities, and they know they are digital copies of themselves. Yet they seem to retain emotion, feel pain, and are essentially slaves to this role playing scenario. If they don't cooperate? Their captor, when he himself is present in the game, will psychologically and physically torture them into submission.
The result is our newcomer guiding her in-game "crew" into a plan to delete themselves completely from the game, a better option than being held captive to the whimsy of the man who brought them there. It's a compelling idea, because in reality what we're watching is nothing more than raw data simulating real people, but we feel for these digital copies as they negotiate their way through a hostage situation.
The "Black Mirror" spin on this is that we're forced to question whether or not our CTO is, in fact, a bad guy. After all, although he has stolen the DNA that allowed him to create these digital copies in his fantasy universe, the copies are, in fact, not real people. By using them to work out his anger and frustrations, isn't he really allowing himself to be a healthier emotional person in the real world?
In the end he is played as the villain and our digital heroes the victims, but though he may seem like the real creep, his actions were truly reactions to the way the very real people in his workplace were cruel to him... so who's the bad guy?
"USS Callister" really starts off season 4 of "Black Mirror" with a phenomenal moral dilemma. The entire cast is superb in their roles, notably Michaela Coel as Shania, the co-worker whose only real offense was rejecting her boss' romantic interest. Set up to seem like a superficial bitch in the real world, her digital version proves that human beings (and their copies I suppose) have far more layers than anyone gives them credit, and Coel manages to take something that could have been trite and make it both tangibly deep and horrific as it unfolds.
Here's hoping "Black Mirror" continues to push these boundaries!
Incorporating a lot of humor into it's dark subject matter, "USS Callister" focuses on a man who is the CTO of a gaming company. A quiet nerd type, he's generally ignored or maligned by coworkers even though he is essentially the top of the food chain at his company. He has created a virtual reality game in which one is completely immersed in a space travel galaxy.
To compensate for this indignity at work, he has created a mod for the game that turns it into a simulation of his favorite classic sci-fi TV show (essentially a parody of classic Star Trek.) He has found a way to take the DNA of unwitting real life people - in this case the coworkers he has felt slighted by - and put them into the game as avatars. He gets this DNA from coffee cups around the office, or similar sources.
When a new, attractive young woman begins interning at the office, the two seem to spark a connection. This is quickly thwarted when another co-worker warns her away from him. Angry at this rejection, he quickly swipes her DNA and puts her into the game too.
The catch? All of these avatars in the game are completely self-aware. They know who they were out in the real world and retain those complete personalities, and they know they are digital copies of themselves. Yet they seem to retain emotion, feel pain, and are essentially slaves to this role playing scenario. If they don't cooperate? Their captor, when he himself is present in the game, will psychologically and physically torture them into submission.
The result is our newcomer guiding her in-game "crew" into a plan to delete themselves completely from the game, a better option than being held captive to the whimsy of the man who brought them there. It's a compelling idea, because in reality what we're watching is nothing more than raw data simulating real people, but we feel for these digital copies as they negotiate their way through a hostage situation.
The "Black Mirror" spin on this is that we're forced to question whether or not our CTO is, in fact, a bad guy. After all, although he has stolen the DNA that allowed him to create these digital copies in his fantasy universe, the copies are, in fact, not real people. By using them to work out his anger and frustrations, isn't he really allowing himself to be a healthier emotional person in the real world?
In the end he is played as the villain and our digital heroes the victims, but though he may seem like the real creep, his actions were truly reactions to the way the very real people in his workplace were cruel to him... so who's the bad guy?
"USS Callister" really starts off season 4 of "Black Mirror" with a phenomenal moral dilemma. The entire cast is superb in their roles, notably Michaela Coel as Shania, the co-worker whose only real offense was rejecting her boss' romantic interest. Set up to seem like a superficial bitch in the real world, her digital version proves that human beings (and their copies I suppose) have far more layers than anyone gives them credit, and Coel manages to take something that could have been trite and make it both tangibly deep and horrific as it unfolds.
Here's hoping "Black Mirror" continues to push these boundaries!
A Different Episode From a Different Time
14 December 2017
Warning: Spoilers
In "Different Drummer", we meet Leo, a strikingly handsome young man who is also intellectually disabled (or as they frequently say in the episode, retarded.) Blair encounters him and pursues him based on his looks, not realizing until later that he has this disability.
To everyone's surprise, rather than disassociate from him, Blair starts taking him out to museums and cultural events. However it becomes clear that she looks at him more as a project for improvement than a whole person, and that she is not taking his limitations seriously.
This comes to a head during a painting lesson when Blair pushes Leo too hard and he has an emotional outburst and flees. After a talk with Mrs. Garrett, Blair realizes Leo is a complete and good person the way that he is, and she repairs their friendship by accepting him totally.
It's an episode that was clearly a "very special episode" moment in the series, and Whelchel's performance is actually relatively nuanced and delicate in light of the subject matter. However, in terms of its treatment of intellectually disabled people, it is dramatically outdated. Aside from the frequent references to Leo being "retarded", everyone's somber reaction to Leo's disability reads more like they've found out he's contagious with a deadly disease.
In particular, Tootie's concern that Leo may be prone to violence (comparing him to Lenny in "Of Mice and Men") is disturbingly offensive even for 30 years ago. You can clearly tell that the writers were trying to address the public's ignorance around intellectual disabilities, similar to how they (more successfully) addressed CP with the character of cousin Geri.
At the end of the day the lesson of accepting someone's limitations rather than trying to force them to change is a good one, but one wonders if anyone truly watched this episode and learned anything about accepting the intellectually disabled.
To everyone's surprise, rather than disassociate from him, Blair starts taking him out to museums and cultural events. However it becomes clear that she looks at him more as a project for improvement than a whole person, and that she is not taking his limitations seriously.
This comes to a head during a painting lesson when Blair pushes Leo too hard and he has an emotional outburst and flees. After a talk with Mrs. Garrett, Blair realizes Leo is a complete and good person the way that he is, and she repairs their friendship by accepting him totally.
It's an episode that was clearly a "very special episode" moment in the series, and Whelchel's performance is actually relatively nuanced and delicate in light of the subject matter. However, in terms of its treatment of intellectually disabled people, it is dramatically outdated. Aside from the frequent references to Leo being "retarded", everyone's somber reaction to Leo's disability reads more like they've found out he's contagious with a deadly disease.
In particular, Tootie's concern that Leo may be prone to violence (comparing him to Lenny in "Of Mice and Men") is disturbingly offensive even for 30 years ago. You can clearly tell that the writers were trying to address the public's ignorance around intellectual disabilities, similar to how they (more successfully) addressed CP with the character of cousin Geri.
At the end of the day the lesson of accepting someone's limitations rather than trying to force them to change is a good one, but one wonders if anyone truly watched this episode and learned anything about accepting the intellectually disabled.
My Summer Prince
(2016 TV Movie)
Sirtis Shines in otherwise drivel riddled palp
5 December 2017
The majority of the other reviews here are spot on. This film is trademark Hallmark TV movie - cheaply made, lame script, pretty terrible acting, trite plot. It's a feel good romantic not-quite- comedy.
The plot has been done a trillion times. Woman takes on someone else's identity, gets to know man in powerful position, develops feelings, her true identity gets revealed, he gets mad, but then they make up. Nothing new here.
The cast for the most part is mediocre, with the exception of Lauren Holly who is straight up terrible. It may not be her fault as her character makes absolutely no sense. She plays a Miranda Priestly type bitch boss until suddenly at the end of the movie she turns out to have a heart of gold. It makes no sense other than to serve the big finale.
Marina Sirtis is a surprising standout as the loyal trusty servant to the royals. She's actually the source of most of the comedy in an otherwise straight role, and truthfully I could have watched her for a full hour. One wonders what she could have accomplished with a comedic career if she hadn't been pigeon-holed in sci-fi.
If you're looking for mindless drivel, this is a great distraction, but it's baseline terrible on almost every level. There's better drivel out there.
The plot has been done a trillion times. Woman takes on someone else's identity, gets to know man in powerful position, develops feelings, her true identity gets revealed, he gets mad, but then they make up. Nothing new here.
The cast for the most part is mediocre, with the exception of Lauren Holly who is straight up terrible. It may not be her fault as her character makes absolutely no sense. She plays a Miranda Priestly type bitch boss until suddenly at the end of the movie she turns out to have a heart of gold. It makes no sense other than to serve the big finale.
Marina Sirtis is a surprising standout as the loyal trusty servant to the royals. She's actually the source of most of the comedy in an otherwise straight role, and truthfully I could have watched her for a full hour. One wonders what she could have accomplished with a comedic career if she hadn't been pigeon-holed in sci-fi.
If you're looking for mindless drivel, this is a great distraction, but it's baseline terrible on almost every level. There's better drivel out there.
A "very special episode" that fails under weak writing and acting and an unsupportable continuity issue
3 November 2017
The writers of "Facts of Life" were obviously beefing up the 9th and final season with opportunities to showcase Lisa Whelchel as Blair, as the plan was to carry her over to a spin-off series.
In this, the 18th episode of season 9, Blair crashes her car after falling asleep at the wheel. She wakes up in the hospital with a massive gash across her forehead. The episode essentially focuses around her horror at no longer being "perfect"; moreover, that her only worth is her looks and those will forever be tainted.
There's a long childhood story about a spotless white dress that Blair tells, setting up a metaphor for her now blemished face, but it comes off overwrought and trite. Jo is the only one who finds out about the injury, and chooses to tell Blair's boyfriend after Blair breaks up with him in a preemptive attempt at stopping him from calling it off with her over her tainted appearance.
The episode wraps up with Blair and her beau patching things up and everyone reassuring Blair there is more to her than just her looks. The whole thing is an obvious attempt to showcase Lisa Whelchel's acting chops, but unfortunately she just doesn't have them. This may be the reason why the spin-off was axed: Whelchel simply isn't as good an actor as Charlotte Rae, and there's no way she could have pulled off an entire series as the motherly headmaster.
Additionally the writers really didn't think through the scar situation, as the following six episodes feature not a trace of the injury in question. There are references in conversation in this episode to plastic surgery, but an injury this severe would take numerous surgeries over a year if not more, so a real continuity situation arises.
It's not the worst episode in a series that featured more "very special" ones than you could count, but the trite writing and shaky acting make it one worth skipping.
In this, the 18th episode of season 9, Blair crashes her car after falling asleep at the wheel. She wakes up in the hospital with a massive gash across her forehead. The episode essentially focuses around her horror at no longer being "perfect"; moreover, that her only worth is her looks and those will forever be tainted.
There's a long childhood story about a spotless white dress that Blair tells, setting up a metaphor for her now blemished face, but it comes off overwrought and trite. Jo is the only one who finds out about the injury, and chooses to tell Blair's boyfriend after Blair breaks up with him in a preemptive attempt at stopping him from calling it off with her over her tainted appearance.
The episode wraps up with Blair and her beau patching things up and everyone reassuring Blair there is more to her than just her looks. The whole thing is an obvious attempt to showcase Lisa Whelchel's acting chops, but unfortunately she just doesn't have them. This may be the reason why the spin-off was axed: Whelchel simply isn't as good an actor as Charlotte Rae, and there's no way she could have pulled off an entire series as the motherly headmaster.
Additionally the writers really didn't think through the scar situation, as the following six episodes feature not a trace of the injury in question. There are references in conversation in this episode to plastic surgery, but an injury this severe would take numerous surgeries over a year if not more, so a real continuity situation arises.
It's not the worst episode in a series that featured more "very special" ones than you could count, but the trite writing and shaky acting make it one worth skipping.
Out West
(2013)
Dreadfully bad indie starring a cast who are far better than the material
10 July 2017
Jennifer Elise Cox is one of the most underestimated comedic talents of the last twenty years. How she got caught up not only starring in but producing this dreadful film is a mystery.
Cox stars as Prissy, a country girl turned slutty party trash in Reno who has to head home when her family goes broke and decides to sell her family ranch. Right here is where we encounter the first and biggest problem with this film. Cox was was in her mid 40's when this film was made, making her far too long in the tooth to play the slutty, bimbo party girl. It's a character she has played before, but here she crosses the line into crazy-town, and there isn't a single second of Prissy that feels genuine.
Prissy's sluttin' it up in Reno when she gets the call that her family's oil has dried up and they're broke. She goes into a complete downward spiral, and enlists the help of her former fiancé Charles, who she never realized left her because he's gay.
Charles rolls in with his two gay besties, Prissy finally realizes why he left her, and they all pitch in to save the ranch by turning it into a hot destination for the wealthy from the West Coast. It's a tired plot that's been done to death, but here it's done particularly badly. From the "fainting goats" who pass out at loud noises (in some of the worst CGI you'll ever see,) to her rival Bonnie, who is somehow played more insanely and less believably than even Prissy, the entire thing is painful to witness.
If jokes like Charles telling Prissy to "Stop fartin' around!" followed immediately by Prissy crapping herself and saying "It's dripping to my feet... gross.." are your idea of a good time, definitely tune into this one.
To make matters worse, everything looks incredibly cheap. The "Alcott Ranch" sign on the bar has clearly just been tacked up over whatever existing sign for the real ranch was already there. People are wearing wigs that seem like they were found at a thrift store. All of which would be fine if the movie was actually funny. When the big "launch" of the new ranch happens, it looks like they decorated with a $50 gift card from Hobby Lobby. Also I don't know what "Pommery" is or how much they paid for their sponsorship, but it's so obviously featured that it's embarrassing.
By the time you find out the big reveal of how Prissy paid for the big renovation and remodel, you'll be left flabbergasted that anyone would buy this convoluted plot.
Truly, everyone in this film is incredibly talented, so it's a shame such terrible writing lead to it being the clunker that it is.
Cox stars as Prissy, a country girl turned slutty party trash in Reno who has to head home when her family goes broke and decides to sell her family ranch. Right here is where we encounter the first and biggest problem with this film. Cox was was in her mid 40's when this film was made, making her far too long in the tooth to play the slutty, bimbo party girl. It's a character she has played before, but here she crosses the line into crazy-town, and there isn't a single second of Prissy that feels genuine.
Prissy's sluttin' it up in Reno when she gets the call that her family's oil has dried up and they're broke. She goes into a complete downward spiral, and enlists the help of her former fiancé Charles, who she never realized left her because he's gay.
Charles rolls in with his two gay besties, Prissy finally realizes why he left her, and they all pitch in to save the ranch by turning it into a hot destination for the wealthy from the West Coast. It's a tired plot that's been done to death, but here it's done particularly badly. From the "fainting goats" who pass out at loud noises (in some of the worst CGI you'll ever see,) to her rival Bonnie, who is somehow played more insanely and less believably than even Prissy, the entire thing is painful to witness.
If jokes like Charles telling Prissy to "Stop fartin' around!" followed immediately by Prissy crapping herself and saying "It's dripping to my feet... gross.." are your idea of a good time, definitely tune into this one.
To make matters worse, everything looks incredibly cheap. The "Alcott Ranch" sign on the bar has clearly just been tacked up over whatever existing sign for the real ranch was already there. People are wearing wigs that seem like they were found at a thrift store. All of which would be fine if the movie was actually funny. When the big "launch" of the new ranch happens, it looks like they decorated with a $50 gift card from Hobby Lobby. Also I don't know what "Pommery" is or how much they paid for their sponsorship, but it's so obviously featured that it's embarrassing.
By the time you find out the big reveal of how Prissy paid for the big renovation and remodel, you'll be left flabbergasted that anyone would buy this convoluted plot.
Truly, everyone in this film is incredibly talented, so it's a shame such terrible writing lead to it being the clunker that it is.
Blackmail Boys
(2010)
Joe Swanberg continues to be in love with himself...
9 March 2013
Warning: Spoilers
The whole mumble core movie making scene seems to thrive on the fact that the actors have explicit sex. Though this film isn't explicitly a "Joe Swanberg" movie, nor is he even the lead actor, those things may as well be the case.
The plot is as flimsy as possible. A gay guy moves away from his boyfriend and starts turning tricks. His boyfriend comes to visit and realizes one of the regular Johns is an anti-gay politician. They videotape the sex and try to blackmail him.
This has potential for drama or even comedy, but none of the characters have ANY real back story or personality. The politician character is a broadly drawn stereotype. The whole thing is a mess.
The explicit sex scenes add nothing to the story, and one gets the feeling Swanberg just likes showing off his cock. In this case it seems like he's making a point: "I'm a heterosexual actor being masturbated on camera by another man. Now I'm putting a condom on my hard-on and simulating anal sex with him."
The irony is that the anal sex in question (which by the way is thoroughly unconvincing - when will movie makers discover lube?) is clearly feigned, showing that Swanberg will only do what he's truly comfortable with and actually has no interest in breaking barriers at all.
At the end of the day you have a bunch of naked twinks screwing in between a half-assed movie about a tired, heavily threadbare topic. If you love Swanberg's dick as much as he does, you'll probably love this movie. Otherwise, go rent "Six Degrees of Separation".
The plot is as flimsy as possible. A gay guy moves away from his boyfriend and starts turning tricks. His boyfriend comes to visit and realizes one of the regular Johns is an anti-gay politician. They videotape the sex and try to blackmail him.
This has potential for drama or even comedy, but none of the characters have ANY real back story or personality. The politician character is a broadly drawn stereotype. The whole thing is a mess.
The explicit sex scenes add nothing to the story, and one gets the feeling Swanberg just likes showing off his cock. In this case it seems like he's making a point: "I'm a heterosexual actor being masturbated on camera by another man. Now I'm putting a condom on my hard-on and simulating anal sex with him."
The irony is that the anal sex in question (which by the way is thoroughly unconvincing - when will movie makers discover lube?) is clearly feigned, showing that Swanberg will only do what he's truly comfortable with and actually has no interest in breaking barriers at all.
At the end of the day you have a bunch of naked twinks screwing in between a half-assed movie about a tired, heavily threadbare topic. If you love Swanberg's dick as much as he does, you'll probably love this movie. Otherwise, go rent "Six Degrees of Separation".
It's Worth What?
(2011– )
The Gameplay is Great, but the Gimmicks are Terrible
29 July 2011
If you enjoy games shows, particularly the modern kind (a'la Millionaire or Weakest Link,) the game play of this show is right up your alley. Taking a lead from those types of shows, the premise of this show is simple. Teams of two face a variety of challenges relating to collectibles and antiques, and their worth. It gets progressively harder with higher money amounts until the big finale. Think Antiques Roadshow meets The Price is Right.
The problem comes with the host, Cedric the Entertainer, and the various gimmicks and catch phrases of the show. Cedric is dramatically out of his element. Even if you find him funny (which I never did anyway,) here he feels stale. It seems like every joke is being fed to him through an earpiece (and it probably is.) They're really forcing the catch phrases, too. For instance, in an attempt to mimic Millionaire's "Is that your final answer?", in each episode Cedric informs the contests: "In this show you can't just be sure. You have to be SURE SURE." From the on, every time they give an answer, they have to say "I'm SURE SURE" to make it final. It's painful to watch how uncomfortable this makes everyone involved.
With focus on more exciting game play and less on cheesy one-liners and marketable sayings, this should could stick around!
The problem comes with the host, Cedric the Entertainer, and the various gimmicks and catch phrases of the show. Cedric is dramatically out of his element. Even if you find him funny (which I never did anyway,) here he feels stale. It seems like every joke is being fed to him through an earpiece (and it probably is.) They're really forcing the catch phrases, too. For instance, in an attempt to mimic Millionaire's "Is that your final answer?", in each episode Cedric informs the contests: "In this show you can't just be sure. You have to be SURE SURE." From the on, every time they give an answer, they have to say "I'm SURE SURE" to make it final. It's painful to watch how uncomfortable this makes everyone involved.
With focus on more exciting game play and less on cheesy one-liners and marketable sayings, this should could stick around!
Complacent
(2012)
A lot of Loose threads are held together by SOME amazing actors
11 December 2010
Warning: Spoilers
Complacent clearly wants to be a "Revolutionary Road", or one of it's ilk: character driven drama about interpersonal relationships between spouses and the larger family dynamic, all told through the shaky indie lens that evokes a closeness we can all relate to.
Here's what the film lacks: good writing, great directing, good cinematography, much cleverness, uniqueness and - quite frankly - very much good acting.
Where's what the film has: a familiar story that is engrossing despite these flaws because, though we've seen it told so many times, it continues to be relatable and pull at our heartstrings.
Here's what saves the film from being terrible: absolutely stellar performances by actress Kerri Green and actor Keir O'Donnell, and to a lesser degree (though no fault of their own) by Elisa Donovan and Michael Worth.
Arguably the film's lead, horribly miscast Cerina Vincent plays Myah, sister to Green's Beth. Their dramatic difference in appearance explained away in a brief mention of them having different fathers, looks aren't where the differences stop. Myah is a free spirit, fresh out of an abusive divorce, opening a new restaurant and dating a long- haired hippie. Beth is settled down with her business-man husband, raising a child and secretly resenting that she has abandoned her dreams of becoming an artist.
What unfolds are a lot of trite set-ups that involve a ton of quiet "no one is speaking" clip montages - you know, looking in mirrors, our windows, sitting quietly on the side of the bed contemplating. All with pretty blah incidental music. These are interspersed with dinner gatherings at Myah's house which, of course, all naturally involve some kind of dramatic argument.
The story is classic: free-soul-sister trying to loosen up uptight sister to help her rediscover her passion, uptight sister trapped in an unhappy marriage by love and obligation. Thrown into the mix are a set of friends that include the selfish real estate agent Jennifer (Donovan) and her husband Eugene (O'Donnell). This couple seems unhappier than any, due in part to an unrevealed pregnancy that is unwanted.
As the situations of the main characters remain unchanged, it is revealed that two of the spouses are cheating (with each other,) and when one of the spouses who is being cheated on finds out, he emotionally unravels to a predictable outcome. What's funny is that this is the moment that "wakes them all up", as described in the film's press, but it happens at the end of the film. There's less than five minutes of movie after this big event for everyone to shake up their lives and heal.
Kerri Green's performance as a silently suffering, emotionally neglected and creatively unfulfilled housewife is Oscar worthy. On par with a Kate Winslet or a Julianne Moore, Green is given practically nothing to work with and somehow finds the reality in Beth's pain and fear and turns the character into something real. Conversely the character of Myah seems like little more than a raging, annoying, invasive bitch when in fact she has ever right to be stressed and upset about the various indignities she's suffered. It doesn't help that Cerina Vincent looks like a porn star amidst a cast of actual people.
Joey Kern as Beth's violent tempered, vacant husband just seems to fall completely flat in the fact of the material. He's given the most to work with and does the least with it. Donovan's Jennifer puts up a tremendous emotional wall between herself and the rest of the cast, which seems like a technique embraced by the actress to compensate for being given very little good dialog to work with despite so rich a character; it works. Michael Worth as Myah's new, supportive boyfriend plays the role to a 't', but again, he's given so little to work with; what he's given, he fills the screen with.
Ultimately "Complacent" seems to be the right title for this film, because it seems like writer/director Steven Monroe went all-around half-assed on the project and wound up with a film of shattered tiles. There are lots of really gorgeous pieces in the debris, but only a few shine brightly enough to save the whole thing from going onto the garbage heap.
As a side note - you may remember Kerri Green from her work as a teen star in the late 80's, most notably as Andi the cheerleader in "The Goonies". If her performance in this film is any kind of indication as to how she has matured in an actress, we can only hope she is on her way to a massive career comeback. Clearly Martha Plimpton is not the only talented Goonie out there in the ether. Casting directors, take note!
Here's what the film lacks: good writing, great directing, good cinematography, much cleverness, uniqueness and - quite frankly - very much good acting.
Where's what the film has: a familiar story that is engrossing despite these flaws because, though we've seen it told so many times, it continues to be relatable and pull at our heartstrings.
Here's what saves the film from being terrible: absolutely stellar performances by actress Kerri Green and actor Keir O'Donnell, and to a lesser degree (though no fault of their own) by Elisa Donovan and Michael Worth.
Arguably the film's lead, horribly miscast Cerina Vincent plays Myah, sister to Green's Beth. Their dramatic difference in appearance explained away in a brief mention of them having different fathers, looks aren't where the differences stop. Myah is a free spirit, fresh out of an abusive divorce, opening a new restaurant and dating a long- haired hippie. Beth is settled down with her business-man husband, raising a child and secretly resenting that she has abandoned her dreams of becoming an artist.
What unfolds are a lot of trite set-ups that involve a ton of quiet "no one is speaking" clip montages - you know, looking in mirrors, our windows, sitting quietly on the side of the bed contemplating. All with pretty blah incidental music. These are interspersed with dinner gatherings at Myah's house which, of course, all naturally involve some kind of dramatic argument.
The story is classic: free-soul-sister trying to loosen up uptight sister to help her rediscover her passion, uptight sister trapped in an unhappy marriage by love and obligation. Thrown into the mix are a set of friends that include the selfish real estate agent Jennifer (Donovan) and her husband Eugene (O'Donnell). This couple seems unhappier than any, due in part to an unrevealed pregnancy that is unwanted.
As the situations of the main characters remain unchanged, it is revealed that two of the spouses are cheating (with each other,) and when one of the spouses who is being cheated on finds out, he emotionally unravels to a predictable outcome. What's funny is that this is the moment that "wakes them all up", as described in the film's press, but it happens at the end of the film. There's less than five minutes of movie after this big event for everyone to shake up their lives and heal.
Kerri Green's performance as a silently suffering, emotionally neglected and creatively unfulfilled housewife is Oscar worthy. On par with a Kate Winslet or a Julianne Moore, Green is given practically nothing to work with and somehow finds the reality in Beth's pain and fear and turns the character into something real. Conversely the character of Myah seems like little more than a raging, annoying, invasive bitch when in fact she has ever right to be stressed and upset about the various indignities she's suffered. It doesn't help that Cerina Vincent looks like a porn star amidst a cast of actual people.
Joey Kern as Beth's violent tempered, vacant husband just seems to fall completely flat in the fact of the material. He's given the most to work with and does the least with it. Donovan's Jennifer puts up a tremendous emotional wall between herself and the rest of the cast, which seems like a technique embraced by the actress to compensate for being given very little good dialog to work with despite so rich a character; it works. Michael Worth as Myah's new, supportive boyfriend plays the role to a 't', but again, he's given so little to work with; what he's given, he fills the screen with.
Ultimately "Complacent" seems to be the right title for this film, because it seems like writer/director Steven Monroe went all-around half-assed on the project and wound up with a film of shattered tiles. There are lots of really gorgeous pieces in the debris, but only a few shine brightly enough to save the whole thing from going onto the garbage heap.
As a side note - you may remember Kerri Green from her work as a teen star in the late 80's, most notably as Andi the cheerleader in "The Goonies". If her performance in this film is any kind of indication as to how she has matured in an actress, we can only hope she is on her way to a massive career comeback. Clearly Martha Plimpton is not the only talented Goonie out there in the ether. Casting directors, take note!
It Tries So Hard, but Mostly Stays Limp
11 December 2008
Warning: Spoilers
If ever there were an "A for Effort" moment it would be Another Gay Sequel. Desperate to mix charm and wit with gross-out teen sexploitation style humor, this film unfortunately provides 10 unfunny moments for every 1 truly endearing or hilarious one.
On a shoestring budget the plot seems borrowed from the video game "Leisure Suit Larry: Love For Sail". A group of four gay teens(ish) head off to Florida for Spring Break and enter a contest to see who can get laid the most.
It's a testament to our changed world that a gay themed sexploitation film can even be made. Unfortunately making gross-out jokes "gay" doesn't make them funny, and so many sight gags and predictable moments occur in this movie that it prevents a real laugh-out-loud experience.
Whether it's "the prettiest boy" ending up with poo on his face from an unclean sex experience or a father and son power-vomiting all over each other because of accidental incest, most of these shallow moments somehow lose their sheen for even the biggest fan of low brow gags.
Saving the film is the character of Nico, the over-the-top femme of the bunch. Actor Jonah Blechman really commits to the role and what could have been an irritating stereotype manages to come off as genuine. There are also some brilliant parody moments including Nico running down the beach in braids a'la Bo Derek in "10", and even a one-off tribute to cult classic Romy & Michele's High School Reunion.
Where the movie really fails in in the attempt to blend boner jokes and toilet gags with genuine plots about monogamy, relationships and discovering one's identity. Could it have been achieved? Yes, but it wasn't.
Shout outs go to RuPaul in a hilarious turn as an androgynous activities directory who seems to exist mostly just to drop cheesy product placements for the movie's sponsors. Other cameos are less entertaining, such as Scott Thompson's reprisal as the not-so-secretly gay dad of one of the boys.
If every genre has to have a bunch of duds in order to find its way to classics, then the gay teen comedy is well on it's way thanks to Another Gay Sequel.
On a shoestring budget the plot seems borrowed from the video game "Leisure Suit Larry: Love For Sail". A group of four gay teens(ish) head off to Florida for Spring Break and enter a contest to see who can get laid the most.
It's a testament to our changed world that a gay themed sexploitation film can even be made. Unfortunately making gross-out jokes "gay" doesn't make them funny, and so many sight gags and predictable moments occur in this movie that it prevents a real laugh-out-loud experience.
Whether it's "the prettiest boy" ending up with poo on his face from an unclean sex experience or a father and son power-vomiting all over each other because of accidental incest, most of these shallow moments somehow lose their sheen for even the biggest fan of low brow gags.
Saving the film is the character of Nico, the over-the-top femme of the bunch. Actor Jonah Blechman really commits to the role and what could have been an irritating stereotype manages to come off as genuine. There are also some brilliant parody moments including Nico running down the beach in braids a'la Bo Derek in "10", and even a one-off tribute to cult classic Romy & Michele's High School Reunion.
Where the movie really fails in in the attempt to blend boner jokes and toilet gags with genuine plots about monogamy, relationships and discovering one's identity. Could it have been achieved? Yes, but it wasn't.
Shout outs go to RuPaul in a hilarious turn as an androgynous activities directory who seems to exist mostly just to drop cheesy product placements for the movie's sponsors. Other cameos are less entertaining, such as Scott Thompson's reprisal as the not-so-secretly gay dad of one of the boys.
If every genre has to have a bunch of duds in order to find its way to classics, then the gay teen comedy is well on it's way thanks to Another Gay Sequel.
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