Reviews

As this XXX version of the mystery of Anastasia opens, we see the royal Russian family watching black and white film footage of the Russian revolution and talking about the disappearance of young Anastasia. But weren't they all supposed to have kicked the bucket during that conflict? Even weirder is that the group includes Milly D'Abbraccio as Katarina the Great, which seems to be historically implausible. However, since Milly later went into politics, I guess it's fitting for her to play this part. The footage itself (which is also used in several other places in the film) must have been borrowed from one of the many other Anastasia pictures or a similar epic out there.

We the viewers soon find out that Anastasia (Lea Martini) is hiding out in a whorehouse in Paris. One of her clients, Sergei, recognizes her by the three distinctive birthmarks on her right buttock and begins questioning her about her royal family. Naturally for this sort of picture, all of her stories involve a lot of fornication. The first of these is probably the most disturbing, as Anastasia recounts being raped by three soldiers (but this being porn, she soon manages to get into it). The second flashback is of a more comedic nature: a young couple has been caught having sex in the royal gardens and are forced to continue in front of the police officials, who also join in.

Most of the remainder of the films running time concerns more flashbacks as told by Ana, who appears to have made a hobby out of peeping on other people having sex. Also her client seems to be paying a lot of money for just listening to her. In one story she watches two maids fawn over the dead prince, who turns out to be very much alive and able to have a three-way. Next up she tells an anecdote involving Katarinova, who had a knack of entertaining the troops in her luxurious bedroom. The last of her stories involves Rasputin. The Mad Monk is seen degrading a countess and of course nobody notices young Anestasia watching it all from just around the corner or on a staircase. After this her benefactor Sergei has run out of questions at last, so they get down to business.

The costumes are quite impressive, for as long as they stay on, as are the sets. There are also a lot of beautiful women involved which is as it should be but unfortunately the story is weak and repetitive. There is also a distinct lack of closure to the main storyline involving Anastasia and Sergei, but then perhaps I shouldn't be asking too much from a picture like this.

6 out of 10

Harry Korda (Rainer Peets) arrives back in Germany and his loyal chauffeur Wladimir (Günther Notthoff, looking like a cross between Oddjob and Goldfinger) is waiting to pick him up at the airport. Korda struts around in a large fur coat and immediately visits a restaurant where Ellie works. He claims to have been saving up all his sexual energy for her for the last seven months. However, she's engaged to Eddie now, who attacks Harry in the middle of the intercourse. It turns out Harry isn't as well off as his coat would make you think. He visits his gay pall Alexander to ask for a place to sleep. All the while he is being followed by lovesick Karola (Gilda Gregory), but Harry is not interested in rekindling that particular flame. Instead, he spots another former lover, Christine, walking by and picks her up using his gigolo ways. But when he's making passionate love with her, it turns out her dorky husband Walter is waiting in the bathroom for Harry to butter her up.

Harry decides he has to strike it big soon, and figures the best way is to find a millionaire's daughter and marry her. Back at Alexander's mansion he meets Claudette Frank (Christine Szenetra), who takes him to her flat for a cup of coffee. Again their lovemaking is interrupted when another man, this time her lover Georg Waldenberg (Max Giese). He arrives because he's got an hour to spend with her. Korda escapes by climbing across a couple of balconies, follows Georg and attempts to blackmail him concerning his 'sister' Claudette. When that doesn't work he joins a high stake poker game in the back room of the restaurant where Ellie an Eddie work. Wladimir is knocked out by another tough guy. But this time our Harry is saved out of a nasty predicament by yet another former flame, Katharina. This one is played the enormously bosomed Heidi Kappler, who's motherly attributes compensate for the fact that she doesn't do hard core scenes. Katharina also happens to be married to Georg, so that'll come in handy.

Next, Harry visits Ellie while Eddie is sick with the flu and gets an invitation to a party thrown by George. Before that he puts the moves on Georg's daughter Nicole by pretending to be a masseur. Later on, at the party, Wladimir has fun with a maid (Margarethe Kuske) who is almost as large as he is. So, Harry entertains Nicole Waldenberg while her daddy visits Claudette. Eddie has figured out Ellie is still seeing Harry and forces a confession out of her. He decides to set a trap for the fur coated gigolo. Meanwhile Christine has hooked up with Katharina and together they start bossing Harry around. Obviously he won't take this lying down, so he decides to bribe some cash out of big daddy Georg and split to the Bahamas. Unfortunately for him he hasn't counted on Claudete overhearing his scheme and getting jealous of Nicole...

For a Seventies Sex romp, this film really isn't all that sexy. The story is too convoluted to be funny and yet it certainly cannot be called serious, either. It's just not very good at all. The sex scenes are all quite short and surprisingly, the majority are soft. So it would seem likely that there is a non explicit cut available as well. It all ends with a lot of chases and double and triple crossing nobody cares about. Also, the lead character Harry Korda keeps saying "See You later Alligator" to everyone like he invented the phrase.

5 out of 10

This title is an obvious nod to episode 4 (broadcast order) aka episode 2 (production order) aka the second Star Trek pilot, "Where No Man Has Gone Before". However the story of this adult spoof takes the plot from Mudds Women (1.6) and throws in a bit of Space Seed (1.22) and The Deadly Years (2.12) for good measure. Hows that for a Trekkie opening line? A trio of blond porn stars: Devo, Katie and Malibu are found on a 200 year old spaceship and revived from suspended animation. Also aboard is Harcourt Fenton Balls, who of course could only be played by Ron Jeremy. Capt. Quirk (Randy Spears) has sex with Katie before returning to his one true love, the Starship Intercourse. The other two girls go straight to sickbay for (yes, you guessed it) a check up by Boner McJoy (Steve Austin) and proceed to give him a little private show.

Simultaniously, Katie and Harry get a tour of the ship, and the former puts the entire bridge crew under her spell, so Sperm and Quirk (who is quite jealous) quickly get her out of there. Then the entire crew takes out their sexual frustration on Uwhora (Gabriella). However we only actually see her doing it with an unidentified African American Redshirt (the uncredited J.R. Langdon). This is a good thing too, as the actors playing Jerkov, Squatty and Screwyu are all ugly old men. Soon the quartet of two hundred year old space travelers are cooped up in the brig but since all three of the babes have already had sex once on screen (and also because they are 'like sisters' to Harry), Katie transformers herself into Yeoman Gland (Vicky Vette) and transports Mr. Balls and herself to the cheap planet set for intercourse.

By now Mr. Sperm (Mike Horner) has deduced that the women are actually Cocksuckian shape-shifters. This means anyone who has sex with them has his life force drained and begins to age rapidly. He also identifies Harry Balls as Ron Jeremy, who fled Earth in the early 21th century after Republicans took control of the US. They even watch a clip of Jeremy clad in a white spandex outfit from an as yet unidentified movie. Ron and two of the girls make a run for it while Katie seduces Sperm who as always starts babbling about his seven year Horny sex cycle again. Eventually Quirk maroons Balls and his women on the tiny planet set, guaranteeing a sequel which has yet to surface. It's a shame Cash Markman seems to have stopped producing Sex Treks after this, for next in line would be the aptly titled episode 'The Naked Time'.

Instead, after a grand total of 9 Sex Treks, the mantle passed to 2009's "This Ain't Star Trek" which presents a straight forward remake of Space Seed instead of a spoof. Also of note is that the 'This Ain't' producers thought including an Orion woman in full green body make-up would be too much of a hassle, while a rival company brought out a two part 'Star Trix' spoof at virtually the same time that featured Jayden James decked out all in green.

8 out of 10

Eight years have past since the last two installments of Sex Trek, but Cash Markman and his cast are boldly back at it again, now looking almost as old as the original Star Trek crew did during the late Eighties and early Nineties. This is probably why Mike Horner (as Mr. Sperm) is now wearing a wig and occasionally a pair of glasses. The set has improved, the CG effects are still the same and Markman picks up right where he left off last time: spoofing episode 2 of the Original series (broadcast order): Charly X.

The Starship Intercourse is approaching Deep Space station 69 to pick up 21 year old hot tamale Charlie Walker (Shay Sweet) and not Charlie Evans, who would be a 17 year old boy. When Jimmy Quirk (Randy Spears) finds out Charly is a babe, he orders Squatty to make sure her clothes aren't beamed over with her. As usual, Charly's first stop is sickbay for the customary examination by Dr. McJoy (Steve Austin, who is really much to chunky to fill DeForest Kelly's uniform). While on the slab, Charly uses her mind powers to transfer her consciousness into Nurse Chapstick (Phoenix Ray). This means the good nurse finally gets to indulge all her pent up lust for Mr. Sperm whether he likes it or not. So for once Sperm gets to have sex first.

Next up, while walking the corridors, Charly notices crew-woman Bubbles (Sophia) and Yeoman Gland (Vicky Vette) comparing notes on Capt. Quirk and gets so jealous she hits Gland in the butt with a lightning bolt, twice. But as Shay Sweet freely admits she doesn't do boy/girl scenes, she seduces Yeoman Gland in the very next scene. Also she blows up the entire space station 69 (no, not that way!). In the TV show, Charlie merely destroyed the unseen spacecraft Antares.

Still only halfway through, Charly then transfers her mind into the Captain, giving Randy a reason to act effeminate and Trekkies to shout out "Turnabout Intruder takeoff". This makes Nurse Chapstick wonder if the video won't end end up one sex scene short (Markman's jokes have gotten better with age). She didn't need to worry, for Girlie Quirk gets it on with transporter babe Bubbles down on the 'Desilu Studios' set. Before Charly leaves the Captain's body, Boner and Sperm (as well as the audience) are treated to some really bad effects of Randy with a female body.

During a contemplative moment, McJoy mentions Hillary Clinton being elected President in 2008. Must have been in an alternate reality. Meanwhile Girlie Quirk transfers her mind into an unnamed female crew member (Shy Love) who wears a blue shirt like it's a mini skirt. This not so shy lover picks navigator Jackoff (Dick Smothers Jr.) to have a go with in the captains chair for the next twelve and a half minutes. Finally Quirk, who has been revitalized after a nap (Randy has been doing this for 15 years after all), deduces that Charly is occupying Yeoman Gland now, so he screws her hard. Sperm does a breast meld with her to find out her back story before they cast her off into deep space. By the way, they also mention her consciousness taking over a part of the ships computer, which episode was that again?

8 out of 10

The IMDb page for writer/director Cash Markman states he's written over 800 screenplays. Watching his Sex Trek series it becomes apparent that the man must be a life-long Trekkie (or in his case Trekker is probably more appropriate). He keeps coming back to the franchise whenever he can. After 5 Sex Trek films in the early Nineties, Markman revived the series as XXX Trek (subtitle: The Final Orgasm) in the final year of that decade but soon reverted back to good old Sex Trek for this seventh outing, The Man Eater.

With the notable exception of the hastily written Sex Trek II The Search for Sperm (see the trivia section for that film for more details), Mark made up the scripts of the first five Sex Treks based on tried and true Trek gags. By 1999 however, he decided to draw his inspiration directly from the original episodes, though he did still liked to mix and match the spoof titles and elements from several episodes. The Man Eater however is a straight spoof of the first episode ever broadcast, The Man Trap.

Randy Spears and Mike Horner are back as James T. Quirk and Mr. Sperm, not looking that much older and with more appropriate haircuts than before. Their Starship, formerly known as the Plunderer, is now the much more sensibly named Intercourse, like it was in the two Next Generation spoofs. Likewize the exterior shots of the ship are CGI. Meanwhile Spears' take on Shatner-speak has become even more broad and pronounced. Finally the uniforms look to be store bought Star Trek shirts with a crude new insignia stuck over the federation logo (which is still partly visible).

The plot starts off nearly identical to the one from September 1966: Dr. McJoy (now portrayed by Steve Austin, who is neither build like a wrestler nor a six million dollar man) bumps into his former lover Nancy Mooner (instead of Crater, here played by Tina Tyler) and just like her canon Trek counterpart, she has an old nickname for him: 'Winky dinky the one eyed wonder stinky' (instead of 'Plum'). On arrival, Ensign Dunsel (Christian Steel), who's carrying the pizza's the Intercourse is supposed to be delivering, sees Nancy as Nurse Chapstick (Farrah). Soon Nancy, as Chapstick, corners Dunse and in what must be a first in Trek history, the red shirt gets lucky before being sucked dry. And in another shocking twist, he doesn't die from his wounds either, since the Man Eater of the title lives on sperm.

Later on, while being examined aboard the Intercourse, Mooner makes a move on Boner, but Uwhora (Obsession) walks in and sees the alien in her true form: Tina Tyler wearing a hilarious 'Grey' alien mask. Sensing she knows too much, the alien uses her powers to seduce Uwhora as well. Cue threesome. After that the creature turns up as a babe from the planet Horny (the Sex Trek equivalent of Vulcan) as portrayed by Audra Bliss during Mr. Sperm's meditation and finally takes on Kirk as a Dingon woman (Tina Tyler again). Sperm tries the horny nipple clamp on her and just like in the TV show, Boner ends up shooting her. But only after explaining to Quirk that the alien shape shifter is actually a man.

8 out of 10

Filmed back to back with Sex Trek IV: The Next Orgasm, this installment uses the same cast (with Barbara Doll as Ensign Pussy replacing Anna Malle as Cute), the same crew and almost exactly the same script. This time, instead of having Cute manipulate the crew into exploring each others final frontier's, it is an mysterious power source visualized as some kind of throbbing balloon featuring a picture of female genitalia.

The Sexship Intercourse is orbiting Rigel Omega Beta III to investigate said power source. On beam-down, Lt. Commander Dildo (Jonathan Morgan) and Ensign Pussy (pronounced Pussé by Capt Prickhard) find a visor of some sort. Pussy puts it on and sees Dildo in his underwear wearing bunny ears. Apparently this is enough to make any woman horny and they get down and dirty right there on the appropriately unconvincing alien planet set. Will Dyker (T.T. Boy) soon confiscates the goggles and gives them to Dr. Beaverly Gusher (Sally Layd) to examine. Yes, you guessed it, she puts on the eye-ware and Dyker the bunny ears, leading them to do it in the medical ward. As an added bonus, T.T. tries his hand at reciting a sonnet by Shakespeare. He also raps a dirty limerick.

By now the crew is getting suspicious and Georgie (Sean Michaels) spots the groovy lights energy reading (the throbbing female privates). Dyker thinks it might be the essence of Madonna (what's with all the Material Girl jokes in this series?). Prickhard (Steven St. Croix) promises to take the visor to the transporter room but asks Counsilor Joy (Tera Heart) to join him on the Holodeck first. After all, it is their last season together (a topical Star Trek reference at the time).

Having satisfied himself with Joy at last, the Captain then decides to fight back by giving the creature a sexual overload. The other option, complete abstinence, naturally being out of the question in this kind of picture. He orders every crew member to get it on simultaneously while he and No.1 man the controls. So Beaverly and Whoopi (Jordan McKnight) use a rubber toy on each other in Ten Backward while Joy takes on both Geordi and Woof (Julian St. Jox).

Cash Markman and his co-writer Art Waits seem to have been inspired by the Classic Star Trek episode 'Day of the Dove' with this one, which explains why when Cash returned to the Sex Trek universe in 1999, he went back to featuring Capt. Quirk and Mr. Sperm again (but kept the name Intercourse for the ship).

7 out of 10

Having finished their 'Seeman Bob' trilogy with "Sex Trek III The Wrath of Bob", writer Cash Markman and director Mark Stone moved on to The Next Generation (which they had already alluded to in part II: The Search for Sperm). But clearly being more familiar with The Original Series, they asked Robert Kelly to help out with the script. Naturally a lot of the blinking set pieces from the previous Sex Treks are carried over into this new enterprise.

Inspired by the pilot episode 'Encounter at Farpoint', the plot resolves around the all powerful Cute (Anna Malle) of the Cute Continuum having fun while experimenting with the crew of the Sexship Intercourse. Note that they finally came up with a better and more appropriate name for the ship than the Plunderer. Also, the cheap looking CG ship is a big improvement over the flying dildo-and-rubber tit-ship seen in parts II and III.

Other improvements on the previous episodes are a more accurate opening title sequence (compete with all the spoof names on screen which is always handy for IMDb contributers) and the fact that TNG has more developed female characters to offer than TOS. In a way they didn't strictly need to have made Cute a woman (though it is a nice bonus). For even though the crew lacks a porn counterpart for Tasha Yar, Jordan McKnight makes up for it as 'Whoopi', the bartender at Ten Backward.

Cute abducts captain Jean Pierre Prickhard (Steven St. Croix) and claims to be seeking asylum aboard his ship. She starts by giving him the stamina of a 19 year old, including a full head of curly hair. This works as a good joke for most of the picture, though it will leave casual viewers who skip the non sex scenes wondering where Picard has gone.

A beardless Will Dyker (T.T. Boy) soon earns the wrath of Cute by beaming the Captain back on board immediately following the first sex scene. So, she sends Dyker to Heidi's Pleasure planet and tells him to think of the one he desires most. Naturally, Counselor Diana Joy (Tera Heart) appears before him in her underwear. Cute even goes to the trouble of buttering up Diana herself as part of Will's deepest fantasies in preparation for their threesome.

A bit later a horny Joy (obviously possessed by Cute) seduces Georgie La Toosh (Sean Michals) in Ten Backward and insists Whoopi joins in. Following this the Whoopster takes on Lt. Commander dildo (Jonathan Morgan) on the nearly deserted bridge (it's the night shift). Porn films in the Nineties sure knew how to make the most their cast members: it's great to see each of the female characters have two sex scenes in a row.

By now Jean Pierre has had enough, so he tries to draw out that infernal Cute by having a three way in sickbay with Dr. Beaverly Gusher (Sally Layd, who even does a little song and dance number) & Dingon crew member Woof (Jilian St. Jox). It all ends with the customary Deux Ex Machina and some references to Maddonna on Letterman. Oh, and Prickhard loses his hair which causes the rest of the crew to burst out in TOS style laughter. On to the next episode, Warp Factor Sixtynine! (sorry, couldn't resist)

7 out of 10

Director Scotty Fox must have kicked himself in the pants for having to change around the titles of the second and third Trek movie in his Sex Trek series (see the trivia section for more details). But the mix up does give the series a kind of Mel Brooksian vibe. You see, this third part, which was written to be part two, is a direct sequel to the first Sex Trek. Meanwhile back in the actual Trek universe, a recent Paramount DVD release boxed ST 2, 3 and 4 together and billed it as 'the movie trilogy'. So now thanks to Mike Horner free second Sex Trek stuck in between, Scotty's managed to create his own 'Seeman Bob' trilogy by default. Even more amazing is that the Bob of the title is played not by a porn actor but by the guy who provided the audio recording for all of these films.

Each installment was apparently filmed and released within 6 months of one another, as that is the time frame constantly being referred to by the characters (this one taking place a year after part one). Third time's the charm for Boner McJoy (Joey Silvera): he starts the film off boning two alien space babes (Silvera must have had it in his contract that he should have the first sex scene in each episode).

It soon transpires that the Starship Plunderer is being followed by an entire planet, and its a familiar one: looking as it does like Uranus. On beam down, Quirk (Randy Spears), Sperm (Mike Horner) and McJoy (Silvera) find Seeman Bob's grave right where they left it (he died on Uranus in the part one), only it's empty. Then Quirk is abducted by the female leader of the planet, as usual. This particular space babe, Latrina (Shayla LaVeaux) conjures up an illusion of Uwhora (Dominique Simone) for a threesome. This is noteworthy as Dominique is the first African American actress to play Uwhora in this series.

Disturbingly, the two chicks disappear after Quirk sticks it to them and are replaced by Seeman Bob (J.B.) in some kind of harem outfit. It seems the highly fertilized soil caused the not quite dead Bob to metamorphosis and now he has a five foot dong which grants him all sorts of super powers. For instance, he sends Sperm & McJoy to a black hole. Although his genetically altered member has tremendous abilities, it is too unwieldy to be used for intercourse. And that's why he wants to wreak his wrath on Quirk. Makes perfect sense.

Soon Quirk is also send to the black hole, where Sperm tries to contact Uwhora by way of a Horny mind meld. Unfortunately, like all human females (according to Sperm) she has a tendency to misunderstand. Instead of forming an Intercoursal Lock and communicate with Sperm, she becomes horny herself and gets taken advantage off by Squatty (still played by Randy West). You gotta love these old fashioned porn movies in which all the participants get to have sex at least twice.

Despite Mr. Sperm's claim that his Horny sex cycle is still 6 years away, the women of Uranus insist on trying out his organ. After they assure him that he is actually able to perform every seven minutes, his ears begin to grow and you know what that means. All the male actors start a trend of breaking the fourth wall and glancing sideways at the camera in this one. Afterward Mike Horner uses the Horny nipple pinch to escape. The crew beams back up to the Plunderer, but when Bob starts taking potshots at Quirks one true love (his ship), he counters by firing Condom Torpedoes. Seeman Bob drowns in his own semen but luckily Lt. Jackoff manages to beam the entire female population aboard. Don't expect to see imminent orgy in the transporter room though, as there is A: no transporter room set and B: no more time.

Constant references to scripts and the actor's contracts make this a good old fashioned spoof. Also mentioned by name are Ron Jeremy and Roseanne Arnold. One of these two will go on to appear in "Sex Trek: Where No Man Has Cum B4" in 2007.

6 out of 10

Compared to the current slew of parodies that are more like loving recreations of the original series, this long running Sex Trek series that originated in 1990 actually is a spoof. Writer Cash Markham tries to make every piece of dialog into a joke. Most of them are crude and there is so much potty humor that it almost seems to have been written by a teenager, but still. Naturally there are also a log of potshot at well known Star Trek conventions & clichés.

The first installment didn't feature any establishing shots of the Starship Plunderer (unless you count that one shot of a silver dildo being moved by a human hand during the opening credits). This time we get to see uncomfortably large closeups of a cobbled together 'model' made out of several rubber sex toys. As Captain Quirk of the Starship Plunderer, Randy Spears is adequate at copying the Shatner inflections. And as noted in the trivia section, Mike Horner is sadly missing in action in Sex Trek 2, forcing Cash Markham to adapt the infamous 3rd season opener 'Spock's Brain' and spoof the subtitle of Star Trek III.

Just like in the first Sex Trek, the sexual action starts in sickbay of the Starship Plunderer. Here Dr. McJoy (Joey Silvera) gives one of his nurses (Mona Lisa) a thorough examination. This time around however, we simultaneously see Mr. Squat (Randy West) on the bridge doing it with an assistant of his own. She looks like a female Sulu but is later identified as Yeaman Gland (and is played by Miyagi). Both men sport the same early curly perm that looks like the Eighties never finished.

Suddenly time slows down to a crawl on the ship when a mysterious female (Danielle Rogers) appears on the bridge to check out all the men's packages. When the bridge crew awakens, the continuously bad tempered McJoy calls Quirk and Squatty down to sickbay to tell them Mr. Sperm's genitals have somehow been stolen. And even worse: his reproductive organs also house his brain!

After beaming down to planet Dawomb, Quirk orders Seeman Bill (played by sound man J.B.) to pleasure the alien babe Nona (Sharise). Unfortunately Bill is promptly electrocuted by Nona's nipple, just like his brother Bob died a red shirt death in the previous episode. On the fly, Quirk and McJoy make some references to the wimpy crew of the Next Generation waiting in the wings to take over their ship, which indeed they would come Sex Trek IV.

Back on the Plunderer, Squatty pulls his usual trick of disabling the Transporter so he can: A) have the bridge all to himself and B) have another Yeoman all to himself. Meanwhile down below the landing party (Quirk, McJoy and Gland) gets fitted with some nifty dog collars just like in Spocks Brain and in the Wonder Years parody of the same. The leader of the planet of 7000 women (Rogers) takes Gland to her bedroom where Nona is still waiting for some fun. Afterwards the nameless leader freezes McJoy and tries to force her will on the captain, only to become another notch on the bedpost of James. T. Quirk, like everybody knew she would.

James T. and Boner get away from the girls and locate Sperm's meat and two veg - which of course has the ability to communicate with them. And since it is much simpler for McJoy to reconnect the male member to Sperm's body than it was for McCoy to reconnect Spock's brain, the film is over in no time and everybody ends up laughing it up in sickbay (except for the guy doubling for Mike Horner on the table).

6 out of 10

John (Mike Horner) checks into a sleazy hotel to work on his novel and says goodbye to his uptight girl Tara (Alex Jordon). He is immediately struck by the view across the street, where he can look straight into the window of the motel opposite. And wouldn't you know it, the first thing he sees is a naked girl, Astra (Ashlyn Gere) posing with a flimsy white sheet, apparently in front some kind of wind machine.

His girl-watching is soon interrupted as Dandy (Tiffany Million) and Marty (Cal Jammer) burst into the room. Marty proudly explains that Dandy is an exotic dancer, but none of his bragging impresses John in the slightest as he just wants to return to the window. Falling into an uneven sleep, John wakes up to find Astra standing in the room and starts to fondle his boxers. Then he wakes up to see another couple (Shawana Mason & Scott Turner) doing it across the street.

After receiving a phone call from his girlfriend, our hero settles down behind his typewriter at last, only to find Tiffany and Cal making so much noise in the next room that he is unable to work. However, when as soon as they finish, the big dolt goes straight back to the window again. This time the dream woman takes him right into the bedroom across the street, which is now occupied by Lorrin Mick and Mare Wallice. John gets a good look up close at their coupling while Astra dry humps him standing up.

The next day Tara comes to visit and stays for the night. Mike Horner finally gets into the action and starts off by pleasuring her with his enormous tongue. But afterward she has to leaves before he awakens, and after reading the note she left, Astra the dream girl is there again to show him a real good time. Lucky Horner. Or maybe not so lucky after all: doing it with an astral person means he has to give up his own flesh and blood. When Tara returns, she finds John's lifeless body on the bed, looks out the window and sees John and Astra across the street. This would have been the perfect cue for the theme from the Twilight Zone to start.

It just goes to show you that even in porn, it's not a good idea to seclude yourself in a deserted hotel if you wanna write your great American novel. The ghosts of visitors past will get you every time. Or maybe it just doesn't pay to be a peeping Tom.

6 out of 10

Considering the subject matter of this film (an unsuccessful bookstore is turned into a thriving sex shop), it's funny how this video starts with a long complaint about censorship in the USA which is followed by the surgeon Generals' accepted guidelines for Safe Sex by VCA Pictures (this last part is amusing because of all the extra-marital sex in the picture).

Amanda (Ashlyn Gere) has to sign some documents for her lawyer but finds her bookstore still doesn't generate enough money to get through the month. Then he proposes she starts selling pornography instead. Note that he gives her a couple of magazines (the dirty books of the title) for perusal, but she ends up branching out into videos and sex toys the moment she opens the shop. The magazines turn Amanda on to such an extend that she gets right down on her knees to thank her barrister for his suggestion. She also explains that her hubby Todd (Mike Horner) only feels the urge for sex on Saturdays and Tuesdays, as if that makes everything alright.

That evening in bed she scolds Todd for never selling one of his scripts. And even though it's Tuesday, she refuses to indulge him. Wait a minute, if today is Tuesday, couldn't Amanda have waited a few hours longer? Oh well, a week later her bookstore has been renamed "Center City Books & Novelties" to Todd's dismay. First customer Tiffany Million steps into the previews booth with a tape and a couple of dildo's to has some solo fun. Some time later Todd calls Amanda and wants to make it up to her hard. His words manage to arouse his wife enough for her to rush home, leaving Tiffy still enjoying herself in the booth. Back at home they go at it but Todd objects when Amanda introduces some of Doc Johnson's toys into the bedroom. Will they ever see eye to eye in the bedroom again?

Ona Zee is signing videos at the store as "Vanessa Zanora", the 'biggest star in adult films'. After Amanda introduces the actress to her husband, Vanessa asks Todd if he's ever done any collaborating on scripts. She's got an idea for a mainstream script about a classically trained pole dancer and asks him for some help. While Todd is being seduced by candle lover Vanessa at her place, Amanda hires a blond cashier. This girl, Diane, claims to be doing research for her book on 'Human sexuality in the Nineties'. Naturally her research includes thanking Amanda carnally for the job. Meanwhile, having likewise persuades Todd to listen to her story pitch, Vanessa tells him to be faithful to Amanda in the future. All the characters in this picture speak in contradictions and useless exposition. They should have let Todd look over the script if he's such a good writer. Anyway, as he returns home, his wife and Diane are still busy with each other and insist he joins them for a threesome.

But that turns out to be just what the doctor ordered to get Amanda & Todd's love live back on track: trying out new experiences. With business booming for both of them and a busier love life than ever, we leave the couple happy and satisfied in each others arms.

6 out of 10

When "Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery" came out in 1997 (and bombed badly) many critics noted that it was useless to spoof a franchise like James Bond that was already bordering on parody anyway. This adult version is therefore not so much a spoof but a remake of the original Austin Powers, with only slightly altered dialog, variations on the same jokes and substituting extreme closeups of overused genitalia for originality. In this version Austin is a big black man (Byron Long), which is ironic since Mike Myers has said he originally wanted to play Austin made up to be black (!). 'Dr. Pussy' is played by Dick Nicholson, who loses his German accent after the '1968 prologue' and from then on talks like... well, a wussy. Might have been fun to see either of these actors take on both parts, but alas.

Fresna, the Frau Farbissina of this dimension (actualy her daughter) is a lot hotter, until she takes off lab coat revealing lots of tattoos and piercing's obscuring her bosom. Disappointingly, we still never get to see Austin and Vanessa (Sterling, portrayed by one name wonder Vivianne) get their Mojo going together. Here she would rather fool around with bad guys Lotta and Utter Bullwang (who looks more like Matt Damon than Oddjobb). Austin has to settle for a nurse and one Swedish Fembot (or Super Vixen). Dr. Pussy's right hand man No 69 never gets any. They even copied the 'Pchychadelic scene breaks' (that Mike Myers and Jay North stole from Rowan & Martin's Laugh-in), only to use the same background in the next scene. Very sloppy.

Watching Austin Prowler merely reminds me how much fun the original 'International man of mystery' movie was, and how little of that was left in the sequels. Apparently the appropriately named writer/director Jim Powers felt the same way, for as far as I can tell there have been no second or third helping of Prowler.

6 out of 10

After the enormous success of Will Ryder's "Not the Bradys XXX" series (of which three 'episodes' have been released to date), I just had to check out this earlier attempt at spoofing the Brady Bunch. Where Ryder's films do their best to copy the look of the late Sixties/early Seventies to a tee, the Backdoor Bradys is set in the decade it was filmed: the Nineties. And apart from using all of the same names for the characters, most of them aren't related to each other at all.

Of course this means that despite what the title says, there are only a few Bradys in the film but at least we get the following interesting combinations: lisping Greg, the captain of the football team at Family Values University is 'cramming' for his exams with Jan. His college buddy Peter bribes Alice the domestic with a 'bottle of something' to get her into (Greg's) bed. Mike Brady, whom Greg calls dad but who refers to Greg as his buddy, gets caught in a pantie raid with Cindy and later on has sex with his wife Carol as well. In between Marcia and her boyfriend Bobby do it out on the open on the porch. Unfortunately there's still no sign of an all out Brady orgy.

While it would be nice to see the Not the Bradys family team up on each other like this sometime in the future (remember, none of them are blood relatives), on the whole The Backdoor Bradys has little to recommend itself. The attempts at humor are lame, Mike is a caffeine addict and acts like a complete jerk to everyone, Carol a eye-rolling dummy and the rest of them aren't developed at all. Top billed Nina Hartley only appears in one scene and her appearance raises another missed opportunity. You see, Hartley is still very active in the adult business and appeared in both Will Ryders "Not Bewitched" and "Not Three's Company". It would have been cool if she had reprised her role as Alice for him as well (instead that part went to another porn legend: Lynn LeMay).

6 out of 10

Ps: It's nice to see Fred Garvin, Male Prostitute found a job as both an editor and Video tech.

Although this adult 'spoof' has very little to do with the original Beverly Hillbillies series (apart from a couple of names and the settings) it does feature something most porn flicks lack: more than one storyline. Tiffany Million is Ellie May, eldest of the three Clamclit sisters. Unable (or unwilling) to run the farm after their daddy died, the trio decides to swap their 5000 acres of farmland for one teeny tiny mansion in Bevely Hills. Two locals, played by Mike Horner and John Dough, come over to bid Ellie May adieu in the Biblical sense. In a nod to the original series, they are called Jed and Jethro, respectively, but this time, despite the fact that were talking hillbillies here, they are not related to her. So, with cries of Yahee and Yeehah, Ellie May has a final fling with the two good 'ole boys and all three of them keep on spitting out one liners during the fornication (or 'bucking' as they call it). As usual, Tiffany does her trademark move: the nipple drip. And just to make sure it gets into the picture, she does it twice.

Accompanied by electronic banjo music, Mr. Dripsdale (ponytailed German actor Ingo) arrives to get all three of the Clamclit sisters' signatures on the deed to the farm. Unfortunately, mute Mindy May is out sunbathing in the field (actually behind a barn) accompanied by an unidentified gall pall who talks enough for two. She only shuts up when the pair of them decide to share some fruit. These two country girls sure have some fancy painted fingernails on them. Tired of waiting, Dripsdale takes the last remaining sister, Daisy May, for a ride in his new car. Tiffany takes the opportunity to use the "ya'll have a good time now ya hear" line several times (both times way too early). It seems like writer/director Lou Dee instructed his cast to ad lib as much as possible for lack of actual script, but unfortunately none of them are particularly good at improvisation (Mindy May had it easy, having to play it dumb).

Once the sisters have moved to Beverly Hills (the film just cuts to a large, somewhat drafty mansion), we see the sisters washing their panties in the pool like they used to on the show, even though you can hear the wind blowing against the microphones and see the poor girls hair flying all over the place. As if these poor actresses didn't have enough degrading things to go through. Two campy and extremely over the top 'doctors' arrive so Mindy May can get her operation. 'Doctor Stain' proceeds to explain she suffers from rare disease known as DTS (Dry Throat Syndrome), for which the two of them have just come up with a cure: DTD (Deep Throuth Deposit). Their 'twin delivery tubes' are ready for the deposit, but need to be 'aroused' first. And as if by a miracle, after they have deposited their miracle cure, Mindy is able to speak.

Another lesbian interlude is interjected as Frieda and Renee arrive to give Daisy May a personal massage and teach her how to take care of herself what with the chronic lack of 'real men' in Beverly Hills. In rather pointless link to the original series 'Granny' calls (but remains unseen and unheard), giving Ellie May the opportunity to recount everything that's been happening up till now (which hasn't been that much). This sets up the final showdown between her and the conniving Dripsdale, who has sent over some eviction papers. Immediately Ellie May invites him over to the mansion and starts reading up on the law. Of course Dripsdale is willing to wave the 50000 dollars he claims the Clamclits owe him by taking up Ellie May's offer of a night of passion. Even more predictably, Dripsdale tries to double cross her after the fact, but don't worry, Ellie May has one final ace up her sleeve. Strangely enough, there is not a single 'action sequence' involving more than one of the sisters at the same time. Apart from the fact that so much more could have been done with the original characters from the Beverly Hillbillies, Lou Dee even fails to make the most of the combination of characters he came up with himself. Well, maybe 'The Beverly Thrillbillies' is better.

6 out of 10

While this adult spoof may seem to be cashing in on the at that time recent box office success of The Addams Family (1991) it really has little to do with the movie version, being more an affectionate spoof (in more ways than one) of the Sixties sitcom. The finger snapping 'credit sequence' (if you could call it that) is even in black and white. And when you remember that Gomez and Morticia Addams are often credited as being the first couple on American Television whom viewers could actually believe to have any sort of passionate love life, the series lends itself well for this kind of treatment. Of course, in The Maddams Family everybody gets into the action (except for Grandma and Pugsley, who remain deprived of 'Maddams' counterparts, and that is probably for the best).

Directed and produced by Herschel Savage, a legend from the Dirk Diggler era (who neglects to make a cameo). Ona Zee and an extremely energetic Mike Horner star as Horticia and Cortez. To prove the connection to the TV series, Cortez is often shown handling an old fashioned calculator, which informs him that with peace breaking out all over the world, the family may just be financially ruined. So, Horticia comes up with a plan befitting her name and decides to turn their old Victorian home into a whorehouse. That way they won't have to venture into the scary 'real world'. You see, even the plot is as slight as a 25 minute episode (though many critics would argue the same can be said about any of the Addams features). While both Zee and Horner are certainly capable in the sack, they nevertheless fail to convey the passion of Carolyn Jones/John Astin and Angelica Huston/Raul Julia had.

Wearing a cheap magician's robe and a bad bald-cap, Ron Jeremy is typecast as Uncle Pester, who is deflowered (yeah right) in the garden by the amusingly named Cousin Tit (Charisma). Both Tit and Cortez have their way with Tuesday (Kim Angeli), Horticia's eighteen year old niece, as the family members spend most of this feature 'practicing' on each other. Obviously this film tries hard to keep the exact blood relationships a bit ambiguous. Finally Deirdre Holland appears to inspect the whorehouse for a business permit. Naturally she becomes the first customer to try out the services of Crotch the butler (a very stiff Jon Dough) while madam Horticia gleefully joins in. Thingie, a female version of Thing also pops out of her box to lend a hand. The movie ends after a short 70 minutes with Cortez informing Horticia that business is so good that they'll be out of the red in no time (after just one customer). The early nineties brought quite a few of these TV show parodies, and of course Horner and Jeremy are still at it, having recently completed the third installment of 'Not the Bradys XXX' (though neither of them has sex with anybody in that one).

6 out of 10

Stan Perkins (Mike Horner) runs some kind of office where nobody seems to do much work. He needs a new senior systems annalist, and had already found the perfect applicant when Kimberly (Tiffany Mynx) pushes herself in on the position. The easily impressed/aroused Stan hires Kim on the spot, who starts giving him orders immediately after their sex scene.

Then mousy & bespectacled Sally Jenkings (Tiffany Million) arrives. Perkins tries to brush her off but before he's got her out the door, Kimberly returns to say her agent got her an audition for "Days of our children's lives" and doesn't want the office job no more. So, Sally becomes the new senior systems annalist and is introduced to her co-workers. Cindy takes very little interest in showing the new girl around, but luckily Laura is a bit nicer. Then she starts receiving seductive little notes from the boss, who wants her to jump on the reports and work overtime. All the while he's promising her a romantic dinner. Gullible Sally is soon swooning for Stan.

While Cindy and the guys go to Charlie's for Happy Hour, Sally is stuck at her desk believing in Stan the Man's (soon to be broken) promise to take her out for the best diners she's ever had. But Laura returns to leave her resignation and decides to give Sally a bit of a make-over right then and there, as well as some lesions in the art of love. Would you believe this is only the second sex scene in the entire picture? Afterward Laura reveals she is opening a Nerf shop on the island and tells sweet Sally to apply for her former position as Stan's personal assistant. Empowered by her new found sexuality and spectacle free look, Sally takes the office by storm, seduces Stan on the spot and gets herself a raise.

To summarize, "The Boss: is a nice little quickie starring two of the most prominent Tiffany's of the Nineties: Million & Mynx. As noted before, there's less sex than usual (the actress playing Cindy never even undresses) but at least there's a bit of a story and Miss Million exceeds at transforming from a demure secretary into a self assured dominatrix.

7 out of 10

We open on two French chicks (Rebecca Lord & Channone) trying to sing La Marseillaise and dancing the Can Can for lucky Tom London (Steven St. Croix). Then his wife Jane (Racquel Darrian) returns home early because her gallery opening was canceled unexpectedly. Next thing you know, Jane's left Tom and is seeking psychological help from Dr. Penelope Michaelson (Tiffany Million).

Dr. Tiff tells her favorite 'Luna chick' to go out and not be afraid of her sensual urges. So she walks into a bar that is being tended by Dillon Parker (Jon Dough), who happens to be the shrinks boyfriend, but of course he doesn't tell her that. Later that evening, while Tiff is servicing Johnny Dough, he is still thinking about Miss London playing with herself on the pool table.

Apparently Jane has an appointment with her Doctor at least once a day, for she gives Dr. Penelope status updates on every move she makes. She decides to meet Dillon again, convinced he is still single, and after they have sex for the first time, she's right back on the psychiatrist couch. Maybe it's just gratefulness on her part. After all, if it hadn't been for Dr P's advice, she never would have gotten it on with the big bartender. Either that or Penelope has very few clients waiting on her.

Tiffany finally begins to become a bit suspicious when Racquel mentions he works at a tavern. Personally I found it a bit weird when that Luna chick said she and her new lover had 'so much to talk about' because they haven't been doing any conversing at all. To top it all, Loony Jane tells her doc she's about to present her man with a stuffed tiger she named Kilroy. Well, that let the cat out of the bag.

That night Dillon brings home Kilroy and leaves it with Penelope on her couch while he is off to bed. Almost immediately after that, Jane's husband Tom comes over for a midnight appointment. Then Sean Michaels arrives for his 1 AM appointment (group therapy). This is probably the hottest scene in the picture, but of course it turns out to be a dream.

The next day the doctor finally gets painkiller Jane to reveal the name of her new beau, and then proceeds to show her she knows all of his bedside manner moves and can do them better. This scene can also be seen in "The Secret Life of Racquel Darrian". So I guess Penelope got her revenge of sorts, and also got her man back, though neither of the girls seem very happy about it at the end of it. Maybe that's why in real life, Tiffany ended up leaving the adult business behind for a life as a wife, mom and bounty hunter. Fade out.

6 out of 10

Two people with lots of G's in their names directed this wannabe film noir together: Geraldine Greystroke and Greg Steelberg. My guess is one of them concentrated on story part, the other on the sex scenes. Steven St. Croix opens and closes the film, narrating the story from jail as it evolves in flashback. His character, Derek Parker, used to be a bartender at Colin Hamilton's Titty club, where he fell under the spell of the bosses wife, Charlotte. She is played by Tiffany Million in typical bitchy mode. E.Z. Rider is the boss himself, who for reasons that will soon become obvious dresses like a bum in a black raincoat and a baseball cap that fails to control his wild mane of curly hair. Colin orders waitresses Tracy & Suzanne (Tiffany Minx & Jenna Jameson) to perform for him upstairs. He watches them from up close, but never gets involved, unlike Charlotte, who is busy seducing Derek in the back room simultaneously.

Colin is up to something with his bookie Kirk (Tom Byron) - who not coincidentally dresses in the same hobo fashions. Before their meeting, Kirk takes the time to flash some diamonds in the face of a fancy hooker in the back of a limo. After Kirk hands the boss a plane ticket, a fake birth certificate and a passport, we see one of them firing a shotgun, causing the other to fly out of the first floor window. This is inter-cut with the climax of a sex act on stage so as to make it unclear which one of the men just got killed (though it's safe to say nobody watching will have any trouble figuring out the truth). Now it has to be noted that you don't often see stunts like this in an adult feature, so kudos to Greystoke and Steelberg for that. However, the murder victim is not so much catapulted out of the window but performing some sort of swan dive, kind of ruining the effect by revealing it to be an obvious stunt. Despite being shot in the head, the man is identified as Colin Hamilton. Even stranger is that the death is classified a suicide owing to a large gambling debt.

Steve Drake & Bobby Vitale are O'Donovan & Spencer, the two cops investigating the case. Their first order of business is to question the hooker Kurt was with in the limo. Spencer the rookie gets a free ride from her after some feeble objections, leaving the more experienced O'Donovan to sneak around her apartment for a while. All he comes up with is a cellular phone number. Just after they leave, the hooker is killed by a man who could be either Colin, Kurt or a third member of the black trench coat, cap and curly pony tail club. Meanwhile Charlotte is already making plans to go to Paris with Derek when Detective O Donovan visits unexpectedly. Since he's about the only person in the film who hasn't had sex yet, Charlotte seduces him, thereby convincing the lame brained detective of her innocence.

Det. Spencer returns to the club to question Suzanne the waitress who gives him a little preview of the kind of show she gave for Colin the night he died. This time Spencer takes the place of Tracy and finds out that Colin has a safe to keep his secrets in. When the only man who knows the combination to this safe turns out to be the same guy who owns the cellular phone, the two cops turn up on Derek's doorstep and arrest him. It's funny that for a plot that's so full of holes you could shoot a guy through the head and have him dive through a window, it takes almost ten minutes of sex-free screen time to resolve the story. Don't read on if you want the ending spoiled - but hey, if you've gotten this far, you'll probably have figured it out for yourself already.

Of course Charlotte and Colin were in it together. He's cut off his hair and gone to another county to escape his debtors. When she joins him there, he uses all sorts of fancy talk on her that unfortunately E.Z. Ryder is incapable of delivering. Then the two of them try to double cross each other once more, but Charlotte has one last ace up her sleeve in the form of another accomplice: Suzanne. It's good to see that even in pornographic film noir, Femme Fatale's still come out on top. Sure, the ending was predictable and the entire plot too contrived, but who watches these kinds of pictures for that anyway?

6 out of 10

For the most part, "Puss 'n Boots" is a silly sex romp in which all the usual stereotypes are reversed as we follow a group of female army army privates. This is perhaps best exemplified right at the start when we watch the girls go to a bar to pick up men. One professional lady pleaser brags about all the different strokes he's mastered. These include: the Torpedo, the Pivot, the Rabbit, the Wallbanger, the Yellow Pages and the Flagpole. He'll do 'em all, but like any good prostitute, refuses to kiss. Back at the bar, a new recruit faces some competition from a biker chick over picking up a scrawny little man. This rivalry will fire up a nice little subplot over the course of the film.

All the horny privates get all excited whenever the local hunk Sgt. Matthews has a girl in his quarters. And they all gang up for a place at his window. Naturally there are several instances of women using force or pulling rank to dominate others, whether it is submitting a girl into lesbianism under the shower or ordering two male soldiers around. Meanwhile Pvt. Priscilla Mason (the Puss of the title) is the prototype 'Mahoney' character who just wants to get out of the army and begins acting crazy in front of a mirror (actually quoting everything from Sunset Blvd. to The Exorcist).

The plot becomes a bit more muddled as the girls throw a big casino/sex party to raise money for a lawyer for April, which they end up not needing after all. So a couple of them decide to take revenge on she who wronged April themselves in a somewhat uncomfortable sequence that rounds out the film. Depending on how much the viewer is into bondage and submission, this last part of the film might not be up everybody's alley (so to speak).

6 out of 10

Here's a show that promises to take 4 aspiring actresses stuck in the adult entertainment business and give them the chance to make it as a serious actress. And not just any actress, but performing Shakespeare on the London stage. Needless to say, male porn stars need not apply. Of course the actual show is hardly as noble as it sounds, but just the latest in a long line of reality TV talent shows mixed in with a dollop of Big Brother. It begins with the usual cringe-worthy and hilarious audition phase, then the contestants get on each others nerves while cooped up in the same apartment and it ends with a big finale and some hollow promises. The difference is that it's safe to say the women who take part in this are more accustomed to being taken advantage of than their counterparts on Popstars, Idols etc. Then it turned out that the all important and prestigious theater show was to be directed by Christopher Biggins. Now to most viewers in the States and main land Europe 'Biggins' (as the girls lovingly refer to him) may seem just a foppish English theater connoisseur, but everyone living in the British isles knows him better as a Pantomime Dame (a man dressed up in drag for children's shows performed over Christmas). He's also become rather a mainstay in other Reality TV dross such as 'I'm a celebrity, get me out of here' and the likes. What are these poor girls getting themselves into?

At least compared to other shows of this nature, My Bare Lady moves along at a nice brisk pace. The entire audition process is done away with in the first half of the premiere episode. Of course for most viewers, this is the best part. You know the drill: the highlights are build up by the narrator well in advance before we get to see them and are then endlessly repeated (some of them over the course of the entire four part series). That same narrator keeps making thinly veiled references to the day jobs of those auditioning and claims that hundreds of actresses are being tested. In reality, only about 15 different women are shown, so the judges must not have had it that hard. It is clear from the start that some are being favored by the editor and surprise surprise, these are indeed the four that are chosen to travel to England and get a crash course in serious acting. They are: Kristen Price, Chanel St. James, Sasha Knox and Nautica Storm. As is often the case in these kind of shows, the contestants are chosen as much for their personalities as for their talent. Also, as we will be following these four women for three more weeks/episodes, the judges have to pick a group that will stir up some confrontations, or else it would be a pretty bland show. Luckily they found Sasha Knox, who could stir up pandemonium in any 'Big Brother' house out there. Of course, this being television, we must realize that the way Knox is portrayed here is only the way the editors want her to be seen. They constantly emphasize her negative points by cutting together snippets of her confessions in just the right way.

Let's face it, it would be a stretch for any unexperienced actor to get up and learn how to perform Shakespeare monologues in a mere three weeks. On top of that the girls are being manipulated and set up against each other at every turn. Biggins makes them compete for the part of Juliette (which was more or less promised to each of them during the auditions). This only empowers the rivalry between Sasha and Kristen. The latter comes across as thinking that everything will come her way just because she's the prettiest and most successful (she even leaves London for a weekend to do a show for the Playboy Channel). Meanwhile Chanel is having difficulty remembering her lines (the judges probably chose her with this in mind). Only Nautica doesn't get in any trouble, though she does express displeasure at having to play referee all the time. It isn't until halfway into the last episode that the girls finally learn which one will be playing Juliette. This seems a bit strange to me as it would give them even less time to learn their lines for the impending stage show. When the show finally comes, it turns out not to be a Shakespeare play, but bits and pieces collected under the title of, you guessed it, 'My Bare Lady'. I guess most of the audience there was tricked into thinking they would be seeing some very raunchy stuff on stage there, or else the theater wouldn't have been half as full. The girls manage to make the most of it, being as they are professionals, and provide as much (if not more) drama backstage as they do on. But after their last curtain call, it's back to the seedy part of Tinseltown for all for them (and back to wearing large dresses at X-mas for Biggins). Now if only the four of them would reunite in an adult feature with Victorian costumes and faux-Shakespearian lines. That would be a lark.

7 out of 10

PS. Haven't seen the second series, in which four more adult entertainers compete, this time to become business women. That seems like an even further stretch to me.

In this surprisingly well written adult film we follow three couples in a Winnebago, off to spend the weekend in a cabin. Along the way they discus everything from psychology to Shakespeare, and each time somebody brings up a new topic, one of the others has a graphic fantasy about it. In fact, there isn't a single 'real time' sex scene in the whole picture: it's all in their minds. Some of the dialog is actually pretty good. The Shakespearian fantasy (brought on because one of the guys is reading The Taming of the Shrew) is especially impressive. Other subjects being discussed are: horse riding, playing hide and seek, men's insecurities and softball. A recurring joke involves everybody making fun of the size of Tom Byron's member.

Naturaly the married men fantasize about the single girl, and to a lesser extend each others wives. Meanwhile the wives dream about swapping husbands and the unavoidable lesbian fling, while the unmarried couple just want to do everybody in the Winnebago. Still, none of them will say any of this out load (except perhaps in jest). As soon as the sex scenes are over, the couples are throwing insults at each other and berating any indecent thoughts, especially when made by the opposite sex. This I found very refreshing in a movie of this kind and made me want to skip the sex scenes to see what they were going to talk about next. Finally the company arrives at their destination and play a game of Clue (and of course there's an orgy fantasy in which Laurie Smith plays a private Dick) but after that they all split up in pairs and wish each other goodnight in the style of the Waltons.

7 out of 10

With bucket loads of adult films being produced each year, it is not surprising that some of them seem to have been made without the benefit of a script. Night on the Wild Side (aka The Bigger the Better) is one of those slippery outings they squeezed in between. It features some well known eighties performers thrown together with nothing much to work with except each others bodies. Kay Parker checks into the Wild Side, some kind of vague swingers club where 'anything can happen' (as long as it involves carnal pleasures). Playing it coy and innocent for once, Kay doesn't swing the same way as the others and fails to understand what she has walked into (nor does the viewer). At first she tries to go to sleep, but the moaning and groaning coming from every other place in the building arouses her suspicion, prompting her to have a look.

John Holmes plays the bartender at the Wilde Side, and he joins a couple sitting at the bar in a threesome that lasts basically the entire movie. Or at least they are still going at it every time naive Kay walks past. Janey Robbins arrives in full Dominatrix mode to take on three men at once, giving them instructions all the way. Up till now it had seemed like Kay, who has just broken up with someone, simply wandered into a sex club. But unfortunately director Charles DeSantos has something else in mind. A naked man carrying a big mask or a statue of some kind starts giving incomprehensible hints to Kay that she has walked into some kind of fantasy of her own making. Kay bumps into Janey on the stairs and asks her exactly what state or city she's in (the helicopter shots that bookend each sex scene look like New York to me). Unfortunately for her, Janey is not much help, insuring her that "The Wild Side is a part of your self conscious that you can't control". Then she makes a pass at her. Before long some other people (who were just crawling on the floor anyway) join in on the stairs. But once again Kay splits to hide in the bathroom, which is already occupied by a couple in Flagrante Delicto.

The helicopter shots are replaced by those of a full moon, as we move from location to a cheap, minimalistic set that seems to have been put together for a completely different movie. Two jewel thieves climb into a bedroom and find Janey in red lingerie. Soon she's ordering them around too. I guess they had this lying around from another picture or something, and decided to cut it in here when they were running short. Finally Kay Parker finds the dream lover she's been looking for and all the pieces fit (as far as this movie is concerned, anyway). She still finishes earlier than the John Holmes trio though, which might be one for the record books. They could just as well have released a compilation of old material and come up with exactly the same movie as this.

5 out of 10

This adult feature mainly takes place in the minds of three bored lawyer's wives, all of whom get three sex scenes each. They are played by Eighties porn legends Janey Robbins, Honey Wilder and Laura Lazare.

At the start they are having diner with their boring husbands at the Casablanca hotel "like they do each Saturday" as explained by some very obvious exposition. The men keep rambling on about their work while the women repeat how much they crave meat (gags like this get wrung out until they have lost all flavor) While Janey and Laura daydream about each other's husbands, Honey gets stuck with a very silly Game show fantasy featuring her own husband (couldn't they at least have mixed it up some more?) To drive the point home completely, the start and finish of each dream sequence is indicated by bells chiming. In between the sex there is lots of talky talk, including the need to explain the origin of Janey's tattoo (how times have changed).

After dinner the couples move to their hotel rooms to have some actual, fantasy free sex (well, apart from one vampire outfit). That's right, it's the same six people all over again, in slightly different combinations. After that the movie gets even more absurd, as dialog is now a thing of the past and the three women start fantasizing about younger men. Laura dreams about her favorite rock band: "Horizon", Honey stalks Tom Byron on the beach and Janey dreams about horny men in an adult bookstore. Fellacio is a recurring theme in all of these fantasies. And here I thought only men dreamed about that. Finally we return to the Casablanca for a pointless coda a week later, because apparently everything that happened during the week was only a dream.

5 out of 10

Jessica Stehl is hosting a tea party at which she and four other women confess their kinkiest sexual encounters. Marina Lotar and Karin Shubert are present, going by their own names and looking way too old and tired to be doing this (especially Marina). For some reason they mention the mating habits of the rhinoceros and we are presented with some great big uncut horns in stock footage. Denise Dior, the youngest and blondest of the ladies, gets so aroused by this she starts bothering her dog. This is sick stuff, and it does not get any better after the opening credits.

If it's not grandma Marina doing S & M with men in gas-masks (so they would not have to see her clearly), it's Karin lying on her back while three gardeners come and go. Some chick wearing the worst eighties haircut imaginable repeatedly tries to arouse a guy who prefers sleeping in the sun and all of the orgies these women claim to have attended feature the same four guys. For no good reason at all, Jessica's husband Gino has been listening at the door and joins the discussion as his sister 'Margarita' (drag still being the funniest thing ever in Italy). During the final gang bang, there is more footage of Dior and that poor old dog, so be warned.

unrated