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DoctorForrester
Reviews
Satan's Children (1975)
This movie's for the ladies...
This movie is great... to tear to pieces! One can't help but laugh at the antics of young Bobby, who seems to like running around in his underwear (little white briefs, to be exact). Yes, he's in nothing but his underwear a lot. And if that's not enough, he gets covered in mud too! That's the entire movie in a very little nutshell (pun intended).
Luckily you can see this movie with Asylum of Satan. They're great to watch back-to-back and quip away to. Though I'd advise supervised viewing, as you may pass out during the needlessly long credit sequences at the beginning and end.
Best line in this movie: "Your a** hurts." -Simon the Cult Leader to young Bobby
Mitchell (1975)
"Heart pounding, veins clogging...Mitchell!"
**Warning: Contains spoilers**
Mitchell is a movie about the tough life of a big city cop who doesn't play by the rules. Mitchell is a movie about action, drama, suspense... and yes, even love. Mitchell is a movie about... oh wait, I was thinking of a different, better movie. Mitchell is about a tubby, oily white guy who waddles when he runs and eats... a lot. Mitchell is a movie about Joe Don Baker.
Now, granted, most of us who have seen this "film" watched it with the help of Joel and the Bots. And because of this, we saw a cut-up version. I also have seen the full version (it aired a few years ago on cable), and I'm here to tell you: cut or full, it still sucks.
If you insist on watching it, I suggest seeing the MST3K version or perhaps another Joe Don Baker flick. And if you insist on doing that, I also suggest you seek help... immediately.
Asylum of Satan (1972)
Nick Jolley: The Man, The Mustache, The Dream
If you enjoy the 70's, bell-bottoms, fake beards, Creepy Crawlers, or shoving a red hot needle in your eye then this is your movie! I, on the other hand, simply enjoy making fun of it.
It is simply bad. If it's not women being attacked by Creepy Crawlers and rubber snakes, it's a zombie who can't keep his Halloween teeth in his mouth. The lighting, sound, and sets are horrible (you can clearly see that Lucina's doctor and Dr. Specter's offices are the same friggin' room!) And the acting... oh the acting!
Of all the "actors" in Asylum, one stands out above the rest. One man whose blandness out-shines all the others. He likes his clothes groovy, his cars mustard yellow, and his hair, side-burns and mustache big... really really big. This man is Nick Jolley. He alone is worth seeing this movie for. I'm not saying he's talented. Far from it. He's just so bad, he's funny.
I would truly recommend this movie to anyone who enjoys watching really bad films and cracking-wise a la MST3K. It hurts, but with a few well-placed jokes and a few good friends to share them with, it goes down much easier.