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EvilAxe
Reviews
A Dark Song (2016)
If you love horror - you will hate this
Absolutely the most disappointing and boring so-called "horror" movie I have ever had to sit through. I sadly trusted some of the positive reviews for this, thinking it had some promise.
The reason being - for a couple of years I had avoided seeing "The VVitch", hearing how some people had said that movie was boring too. But when I finally saw The VVitch, I was pleasantly surprised! The VVItch was really good actually. And yeah, it's probably not exactly horror either. I would call it more of a thriller - but my point is - slow-burner movies with a slow pace CAN be really good if done well.
So I thought...if people are saying the same about "A Dark Dong", maybe I should give it a shot. Bad mistake.
It's slow alright....Because Nothing. Happens. It starts out promising with good realism and acting. But halfway through you are starting to realize that - well this movie is going nowhere. It's one boring ritual after another with some bickering between the two main actors. That's about it. No scares. No suspense. No feeling of dread or unease. None of that. Just a boring drama about two people in a house trying to do some dumb rituals. Topped with an ending that makes no sense.
Don't waste your time on this. This definitely not horror. It's a slow drama trying to be artsy and appeal to film hipsters. Avoid!!
Split (2016)
Split is Sh*t. Absolute waste of 2 hours.
With time being our most precious commodity, I try to carefully select the movies I do watch, as I don't have a ton of time to watch them. But the hype around this movie, and of course the (mind boggling) 7.4 IMDb rating tempted me enough to give it a chance. I sat down excited with my favorite snacks - hoping to be in for what some called 'one of the best horror movies this year so far'.
Wow.... really? Horror? This is NOT horror. It's a suspense thriller / drama at best. This movie couldn't even scare a 12 year old. And THIS is supposed to be the "return of M Night Shyamalan"? What?
I absolutely loved Signs, and The Sixth Sense is amazing too. But his movies since have gone down hill. The Visit was very lackluster and pretty disappointing too. But not as disappointing as this stinker. At least with The Visit - there was no claims or hype saying this was his 'return to form' so I didn't expect a lot. But Split? This is more like a terribly executed amateur film students idea of a "thriller".
The first 20-30 minutes, the movie has your interest a little bit as you wonder about the kinds of twists and surprises you are about to treated to. Maybe the guy is a ghost? Maybe there are actually more than one main protagonist? Maybe the girls are in an alternate reality? Maybe there is an actual, physical, hairy (as they describe him) monster that we will soon get to see? Oh man...that would be cool..
These are things I was eagerly thinking as I was watching, hoping I would be right, and that if so - these plot twists could turn this how I would have written if it I was behind it.
But nope. As time goes on, you realize, there is NOTHING exciting happening. Just some incredibly boring dialogues, a character study of multiple personality disorder, some dumb girls trying to escape, and several conversations between a shrink and her patient. *Yawn* The ending? I was half asleep at that point but it was extremely underwhelming and disappointing. So the 'beast' just looks like the dude, just with some veins popping out, and he can climb walls? Wow, amazing. Not.
Save your time and do not listen to the positive reviewers. I think they were paid by Universal Studios to bring up the overall score here.
Resolution (2012)
This is absolutely NOT a horror movie. At all.
This is a slow paced drama that really leads to nowhere, and you're left with a "WTF?" ending. It starts out promising, with some weird things happening, etc. after a while. But then it drags on and drags on and drags on.....I sat there and waited for things to get really interesting. But they NEVER did. All the sudden, it was just over, and I really just want my time back. What a complete waste of time.
Horror fans: Do not believe the hype about this movie. I was lured and tempted to watch this, thinking it was gonna be a "mind bender" and intelligent movie that made you think. It's not even that! I mean, I love movies like Memento and Triangle. Now those are great mind-benders. But this one? Not even close. In fact, there is nothing here at all.
This is one of the worst disappointments I have seen since Cabin in The Woods, which I also hated.
V/H/S (2012)
A found footage horror film done really well
The found footage genre is starting to get a little milked, but V/H/S breathes some fresh air into the genre. If you're an avid horror fan like me, make sure not to miss this one. It is very well thought out, and you can tell it took time and planning to make it. The effects and gore are about as good as it gets, and IMO very realistic. People who criticize this film don't appreciate what goes into making a film like this. It is way, way more complicated than just grabbing a few old cameras and start shooting people talking and doing stuff. When you start looking at all the little details, with a director mindset (as in - if I was filming this scene, how would I have done it), then you start appreciating all the little nuances and things they have put into it. Very well done, and I cannot wait for the sequel. If you like this movie, make sure to also check out the excellent movie The Tunnel. One of the scariest I have seen.
The Cabin in the Woods (2011)
For true horror fans - Stay away from this stinker....
Wow, it's not often that you see a horror movie with such a high rating on IMDb. And that is what got me so excited to see it. Even the best horror movies I have ever seen usually get an average rating of around 5 or 6 here, so this one with a 7+ rating HAD to be simply amazing, right?
WRONG...I consider myself a horror buff, having seen countless movies in the past 25 years. But this movie flat out sucked. I don't care if it's supposed to be some "intelligent" satire, or a "spoof on the horror genre". It fails at being a satire, and it fails at being horror. If anything, this is more of an action movie with effects. Not a horror movie!
There are a couple of gory scenes, and the make-up and effects are good. I imagine a large portion of the budget went into making the CGI effects. And I'm all for good effects and gore. But when the movie - as a movie, doesn't hold up at all, then it's all a waste. Most movies with an effects / gore budget lower than this one are also way better movies - because they do what a horror movie is supposed to do; That is, keep you on your toes, feel unpredictable, feel scary, feel tense. And the less you know about why and what is happening to the main characters, generally the better!
The Cabin in the Woods does NONE of that. From pretty much the very beginning, you know what is going on - and it ruins the movie from then on. 7+ star rating? Seriously people? People rating this movie high cannot possibly have seen many TRUE horror movies. Satire, real, or not.
Paranormal Activity 2 (2010)
Simply a great horror movie
Please ignore the critics who give this movie a low score. This is horror suspense at its best!! The only thing I would do differently is not seeing this in a theater. It is *incredibly* annoying to have teenagers who giggle and laugh at the most quiet and intense moments in the movie! If you have a good home theater (or even if you don't) I highly recommend enjoying this movie in the quiet of your own home - when it comes out on DVD that is.
Turn off the lights and crank the sound...you will not be disappointed! :) If you liked the first movie, you will definitely like this one. Great use of cameras also by the way, and there is so much suspense it keeps you on your toes the whole time until something happens.
Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan (2006)
THE funniest and most genius comedy in the history of film
It's gonna take a lot to ever top Borat as a comedy. It is a masterpiece. Having seen countless films in the past 30 years with all sorts of comedies, Borat is the icing on the cake.
Sure, there are a few other truly funny comedies out there. There are some OK ones. And there is a lot (and I mean a lot) of really bad and overrated ones ("The Hangover" for instance).
Borat came out of nowhere without too much unneeded hype and expectation. It took the world by surprise and wasn't marketed ahead of time with talk show appearances of cast and crew (which is the common norm these days with the cookie-cutter wannabe-comedies).
Borat may seem like a somewhat childish movie at first, but watch it again - and you will start seeing it work on many levels. It takes great intelligence to create truly funny comedy that lasts a lifetime. Anyone can make slapstick or fart jokes and get a few laughs there and then. But to create something that sticks to people's minds for years, to be quoted and imitated, to have catch phrases and social lingo left as its legacy - that takes effort!
This movie accomplishes all that. It's one of those few gems that gets funnier and funnier for every time you see it. It feels good to laugh so long and hard that you're almost tired. Like, your stomach muscles got a healthy workout. And you feel better afterwards. Just like after a good day in the gym.
Borat sure delivers. People who rate this movie low are either: A) way too sensitive about "provocative" subject matters B) brought up to think only cookie-cutter "accepted" commercial comedies are funny C) not understanding the hilarity in how humans behave when placed in awkward situations with an awkward man that they really don't know how to handle D) all of the above.
Cheers to Borat - the funniest comedy ever made.
Saw VI (2009)
Really disappointing
I LOVED the first few Saw movies. The first one is a classic. It was something new and fresh never seen before. The 2nd and 3rd were decent too. You knew what they were gonna be about, but they still delivered. I would say from 4 and on though, they have been going downhill. Saw IV is the bottom of the barrel.
Quick recap: Same old concept. People caught in traps and "ultimatum" situations. Yawn. A few brutal and somewhat inventive deaths (but they were better and more creative in the past). Yawn some more. The end.
I hope this is the last one in the series. I mean, they made 8 movies out of Police Academy for Christ's sake, haha. There is no point milking the "people with a guilty past trapped in torturous situations forced to make fatal choices" concept any further.
The Collector (2009)
One of the best thriller/horror movies in the past 5 years
The people who have given this movie low scores truly don't appreciate a good movie of this kind. Movies this good are few and far between. The story is unique and keeps you interested throughout. The cinematography is creative and often very clever. The acting is top-notch, especially in the main character. You can totally sense and feel the panic and horror he feels.
The Collector drips with a tense atmosphere, but also manages to disturb with its graphic and violent scenes. Fans of the genre - do NOT listen to the morons who gave this movie a low score. Watch it, and you will NOT be disappointed.
Yours truly, A true horror fan.