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Reviews
Mr. Jones (2013)
Mr. Jones, Mr. Jones, Wake Up Now
I will start off by saying that I'm a very big fan of found-footage horror. If this is already a genre you like too, then you'll probably enjoy the first half of this film.
If also you enjoy going on crazy acid trips (personally, I don't), then you'll also enjoy the second half.
My biggest criticism of Mr. Jones is that it is a very uneven film. Some of this is standard for the found-footage genre: starts off tame and ordinary and then escalates into something horrifying. Mr. Jones starts out as a story about a couple who move to a remote woodland location to make a nature documentary. When the documentary idea flops, the couple happen to stumble upon "Mr. Jones' workshop." Penny -- half of the aforementioned couple - - is a photographer who is very familiar with the weird "art pieces" associated with Mr. Jones: bizarre totems mailed out to random people over the last few decades. No one knows who Mr. Jones is and Penny and Scott believe they have found him.
Here, the film becomes a documentary again. Scott goes to New York to interview "Mr. Jones experts": art curators, anthropologists, and supposed recipients of his "art pieces." Meanwhile, Penny sets out photographing the totems out in the woods and records Mr. Jones (ceremonially?) setting them up.
If that had been the tone for the rest of the film -- mockumentary of couple profiling a potentially dangerous crazed weirdo engaged in some kind of bizarre folk magic -- that sounds like a pretty good film, right? Maybe half documentary, half couple panicking in the woods?
Alas, no such dream was produced. Instead, it turns out Mr. Jones' "art pieces" are a way to keep the "dream world" and our world separate. Penny and Scott disturb this balance and end up inside a literal nightmare. This ruined the film for me: earlier, the filmmakers took such care to establish a kind of verisimilitude in terms of who had cameras, how they were recording, etc. -- but then, in the "dream world," Penny and Scott are seen from angles without any cameras. Because dreams, I guess? They run around and scream a lot for half an hour and then the film has some kind of vague "full circle" effect ending.
Perhaps as two separate films, they wouldn't be bad. It's the uneven genre and tone that spoils it, though. Clear found-footage / mockumentary for the first half, weird (definitely not found-footage) acid trip for the second.
L'inconnu du lac (2013)
Strange and Stranger...
Let me start by saying a couple nice things about this film.
I can understand how this might appeal to a certain demographic: gay men who want to be nostalgic for the semi-public cruising culture in the days of yore. Before Manhunt! Before Grindr! And I can understand how that might be enough to get through the first 30 minutes of the film. But, in my opinion, it's not enough to keep anyone's interest for almost two hours!
With respect to the cruising that went on in the film, I appreciated that -- for the most part -- the film portrays realistic bodies. Sure, our stars obviously hit the gym every day. But most of the men you see are old and out of shape. This definitely added an air of verisimilitude. In my mind, it was kind of like an artistic study of the male body in all its shapes and forms. But, again, the novelty of this wore off after about 30 minutes.
In the first hour and a half, there may or may not have been a murder (seen from a great distance). There is a lot of awkward conversation. The same car pulls up day after day. There is a lot of casual, semi-public gay sex. The same guys go through the same routine day after day. There are a lot of awkward silences. Paint dries, grass grows, etc.
AND THEN BLOOD AND VIOLENCE for about 10 minutes.
Fin. No resolution! Keeping with the theme of a very sexual explicitly film, it brings you right to the edge and then -- stops. Total filmic blue balls.
See it if you really want to, but don't believe the hype. Stranger by the Lake is a definite letdown.
Chilling Visions: 5 Senses of Fear (2013)
Depends on your "tastes"
I loved this horror anthology, but I can understand how some people might not. It's not jump-out-of-your-seat horror. If anything, I'd characterize it as a series of unsettling and disturbing scenarios.
I'd equate it with an episode of Tales from the Crypt or maybe season one of Fringe. Each section of the anthology starts with a natural sense and ties it to something very unnatural. With maybe one exception, this doesn't end well for anybody!
SMELL tells the story of a man who's given the chance to change his pheromones to get sex and success. Our protagonist fails to realize that something about that offer smells fishy.
SIGHT deals with a lonely eye doctor who can see what his patients see. Unfortunately, he sure lacks foresight when he tries to help one of them out.
TOUCH starts with a blind boy and his family getting into a car accident. As the only one able to walk, the blind boy wanders through the woods to find help. As I'm sure he would agree, something doesn't feel right here.
TASTE is about an unusual job interview. When the interviewee turns down the offer, he's met with a biting critique.
LISTEN breaks with the rest of the short films and is in "found footage" format. It tells the story of two young men trying to piece together the recording of a song that is rumoured to kill all those who listen to it. In the end, our protagonists try to offer some sound advice -- but is it already too late?
Bigfoot: The Lost Coast Tapes (2012)
Grave Encounters Meets Evidence
This film will definitely appeal to fans of the "found footage" genre.
The set-up for the film is reminiscent of Grave Encounters, but the setting is more like Evidence. Like Grave Encounters, the premise behind the film is that this footage is being shot for a "believe it or not" reality show. Also like Grave Encounters, the cast slowly discovers they have gotten into more than they bargained for. It is like Evidence in that it is set in the woods and the threat is something that goes bump in the night. However, this film goes where I wish Evidence had: instead of introducing some sort of bizarre "military experiment gone wrong" twist like Evidence does, this film keeps you guessing until the end -- and beyond.
For a straight to video film, this is excellent. The acting is impeccable, the writing is tight, and the scares get you when you least expect them. I hope more people will discover this hidden gem.
Noroi (2005)
Ka-gu... ta-ba...
Noroi is like a jigsaw puzzle. You start with hundreds of pieces and you have no idea how they connect. Each piece may seem intriguing on its own -- but, once you start putting them together, a more terrifying image comes into view. Perhaps Noroi's greatest strength is that it does not connect every piece. You are left with an almost complete picture of what was going on -- of how the pieces all fit together -- but, if you are like me, you will spend days afterwards replaying scenes in your head, wondering how the other pieces fit in.
Just what are the "ectoplasmic worms" Mr. Hori is always raving about? Why are pigeons so special? Just who was that boy?
Because Noroi is filmed documentary-style, it won't show you the big picture -- it can only show you what the characters themselves discover. You will follow Kobayashi and his cameraman along as they discover more and more of the terrifying implications of Kagutaba's curse.
If you watch this film, you will not be disappointed. I guarantee you it will send shivers down your spine AND get the gears turning in your head. Noroi power to scare is matched only by its ability to fascinate.
The Dead (2010)
White Guy Shoots Africans in the Face For 2 Hrs
How did this film get made in 2010? What kind of person can watch a Euro-American walk through the "heart of darkness" of Africa and shoot black people (who are reduced to no more than beasts) in the head for almost two hours?
There's no plot. There's no good reason for a white guy to be in Africa. But he's there and he's the last real, civilized man -- with his faithful sidekick, Noble Savage -- up against "herds" of animalistic zombie-Africans whose bodies he can dismember, disfigure, and destroy.
What is wrong with everyone? Even the first film of the zombie genre, Night of the Living Dead, implicitly brings up race politics. And yet, somehow, every other reviewer can talk about the "visually masterful scenery" and "post-apocalyptic landscape" when this kind of ludicrous racial essentialism is being shoved down our throats in every single scene.
If you liked this film, you should go to the Wikipedia article on, say, the European genocide of Africans in the Congo (search "Congo Free State") and then ask yourself how you could have been so ignorant.
The Amityville Horror (2005)
FACT: Ryan Reynolds is the hottest man in the world
Plot? What plot? This whole movie was one big excuse to show off Ryan Reynolds' breathtakingly ripped body. Don't get me wrong, I decided to watch this because I really am a horror fan. But the plot is a series of loosely connected scary events happening to two-dimensional characters. What kept me watching was the gratuitous use Ryan Reynolds' body.
Something weird happening? Why not take off your shirt, Ryan? Yeah, now jump in the water. No towel around again? Shucks, that's a shame.
That demonic possession is pretty stressful, isn't it? Why don't you flail around in the bath for a while?
Ah, damn, we forgot the cheese grater at our old, non-haunted house. What's that? I can just use your abs? I knew you were in this movie for a reason.