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Cherrypicker (2020)
3/10
A confused mess
21 October 2021
The writers were THIS close to making dialogue that humans might actually say and behaviors that might be how people act. I mean, it was truly impressive to see that much effort put into almost hitting the mark. From the opening scene of Chase mutilating a player in a hockey match, I understood that I was watching something written by aliens posing as screenwriters.

This movie is neither a horror nor a black comedy. It tries to be either, but in a drunken way that just makes everyone involved seem desperate and kinda sad.

Characters are unlikable, though the little girls are kinda cute. The situations are ridiculous, and everyone seems to make the stupidest choices ever. We the viewers have to be told several times how good a mother she is, though all evidence points to the contrary. The score is always trying way too hard, and never really matches what's going on.

Even as background noise, this movie isn't good. Really should be only 2 stars, but the premise had a lot of potential in my opinion. Skip it, unless you really want to see for yourself how bad it is.
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The Starling (2021)
8/10
An honest story about grief and loss....
19 October 2021
...but I think you might have needed to experience a close loss for this movie to really speak to you. I was deeply touched, but both my husband and I have experienced deaths close to us, so I was able to really connect and share the catharsis.

I alternately laughed and cried, and I really think Melissa McCarthy portrayed the character well. I could have done with a different person for her husband, but I actually think he leant himself well to the character HE was portraying. Honestly, because of how I deal with grief, I'm kinda glad it wasn't an actor I like or think is strong in the role of the husband.

This is a genuinely beautiful piece of film making, and I hope whomever needed to make this to release their own pain was able to find some peace. Because this isn't something impersonal.
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3/10
Orpheus uses Inception to heal the mind with hamfists
18 October 2021
Warning: Spoilers
There were plenty of visuals and lighting that made this film pretty to look at, but so much else about it was wrong, discordant, and not appealing.

First off, it's not really a story meant to entertain, but a metaphor/allegory/arthouse (take your pick) for the journey within. So skip this if your looking an adventure to an alternate world.

On the other hand, if you want something artsy that addresses mental health, this might be up your alley.

At no time did I find the soundtrack pleasant. It was always a little discordant, a little annoying, and I'm sure that was on purpose. But it made me very edgy and unhappy, and wishing it would hurry up and get to a new track.

Many scenes dragged on with characters doing weird things just to be weird. It reminded me of someone wanting to be surreal but never quite getting there or understanding it. Rather clunky, but perhaps with some practice they'll improve.

I did not care for the attempts to mislead by pretending there WAS something metaphysical/supernatural happening. Other than being a red herring, I think it's slightly disrespectful to those who believe in the consciousness and higher realms.

All Margaret's encounters with the demons were super hamfisted attempts to be subtle, but they just dragged on harder and longer and got worse as the movie progressed. The attempt to hide the message of the encounter was there, but it was as amateur as the surrealism.

Also, was I supposed to like any of the characters? And if Mom and Dad are at such odds with each other, why are they still together after 20 years? Seems like the child's death would have finished driving them apart.

Lastly, how much guilt would a 4-year-old even imprint upon themselves that they're still a wreck 20 years later? I had some traumas and tragedies around that age frame, and it didn't imprint to that level. Now, if all her angst were spawned from feeling like her parents blamed her and they had treated her like crap, I would have felt a lot better about her catharsis. As is, it felt unearned and unwarranted.

Waste of time for anyone other than arthouse lovers who want to feel superior.
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4/10
The Meh version of several much better films
17 October 2021
The most obvious movies this mimics are The Producers and Be Cool, with maybe a smattering of Tropic Thunder. But it lacks the wit, humor, or punchy dialogue of either of those. Some of the performances were alright, but they could do nothing to save the movie from falling flat.

This isn't a terrible movie, and I don't think it should necessarily be avoided. I just don't think it's really worth any time when there are better movies doing pretty much the same thing.

I WAS annoyed when a movie about making movies just kinda yadda yaddas over how movies are actually filmed. Single takes happen, sure, but those kinds of action tracking shots and multiple angles require multiple cameras and positions and different takes...and every part of that is ignored and left for the audience to just suspend disbelief.

I was originally going to give the movie 5 stars, but as time passed, I realized I didn't laugh once. So I took a star away.
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Bingo Hell (2021)
4/10
Somewhat entertaining as background noise
3 October 2021
I'm still sorting out my feelings about this. It's certainly not the worst movie I've seen, and I did like some of it. But overall I was disappointed and bored.

One of the things i'm still trying to work out is whether this movie was intentionally funny or not. It was obviously (to me) a play on Needful Things and Bad Ass, but I was never sure if it was a full-on parody.

What should have been important themes or talking points were overly-simplistic to the point I can't even call them sophomoric thinking. It was barely even a freshman take on greed and desperation and loss.

The surrealism was applied too early and too heavily, rather than building up and lending to a creepy atmosphere. But it was never all-the-way intense, never felt like a stylistic choice meant to evoke a response from the viewer. Much like the storytelling, it felt amateur and copied from better movies without understanding.

And just as a side note: who puts House of the Rising Sun in the soundtrack, then picks the version about prostitution? In a gambling movie.

I rather liked the acting, and some performances were better than others. The characters were mostly just caricature tropes, but they did occasionally drift into problematic stereotypes. Some people actors were definitely better than others, and they definitely had more fun.

I certainly can't recommend this movie, but I don't think it's utter garbage. I actually had a hard time picking a rating because of how mixed my feelings were. If it were on just as background noise, or for a group of people to hang out and riff on, it would kill some time. But I don't think you're missing anything if you never watch it.
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8/10
Worthy update of From Beyond
21 September 2021
FLASHING LIGHT WARNING: I don't normally put these, but there are high frequencies and flashing images/light sequences when the machine is on that could be intense for normal viewers, let alone with sensitivities. I personally preferred the high tones to the normal brown-note base horror movies use to cheaply invoke dread.

All right, that out of the way: YES YES YES. I am a Lovecraft fan and a fan of Full Moon cheesiness, so this hit all the right notes for me. It tells the story of From Beyond, but with plenty of its own twists and additions. Yet offers love to its predecessors in ways I appreciated. The colors were the same as the movie, and sometimes Dane Oliver just nailed that early 20th century cadence and behavior. And the female characters seem like actual characters, and not just eye candy to be the next refrigerator girl.

Sure, there are problems with the graphics, but that goes along with B-movie. I actually liked the obviousness of the succubus, because - in a way - it added to the horror: if you saw what just looked like a cosplayer, would you be frightened of it?

The design of the resonating machine itself had almost a Geiger feel to it, and still looked like it fit directly in the Lovecraft mythos.

No spoilers, but I must say the very end scene had me shouting in enjoyment, because it was such a great character cameo, and I really hope it means updates to the stories said cameo comes from. (The actor really nailed it too, and my fellow Lovecraftians will understand when they see it.

Is this for everyone: not by a long shot. It is niche AF. But for those who enjoy that niche, it is probably one of the best Lovecraft movies I have seen in a long time.
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5/10
Almost gets you there
15 September 2021
Such a weird mix for me. Because there was a lot of padding, and long drawn out scenes that didn't need to be that long.

But then there were good performances and subtext.

But then there were scenes that shouldn't have happened.

But then there would be just that one thing that would keep me going.

So, aspects certainly would get higher stars from me. But then others take away a lot. I really don't want to break it all down here; suffice it to say, this movie is a mixed bag.

However, the last few scenes had this build up that left me feeling teased and cheated, and almost rather rushed. It was bad enough that there were two plots running along, and neither really took off. But to just be done and get one little Bible quote to explain the title and actions of the character...yeah, that went right past my head and left me actually upset.

I'd say it's not the worst thing I've seen, but I think that's mostly because I enjoy Benedict Cumberbatch stealing the damn show.
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5/10
A live-action anime
15 September 2021
It has some crazy cool style, and such an interesting blend of costuming and era, and just some good fun.

But it was like watching the anime movie without having watched any of the individual seasons: I really felt like things were missing. And not just in a "figure it out yourself" kinda way, but in all the ways that someone who'd seen everything/read the book/loved the comics would take for granted.

Wasn't even really Nic Cage at his most Cageiest. And he really shouldn't do action scenes that require dexterity, because it looked clunky.

Overall, I didn't think it was too bad. But I also didn't think it was that great. Maybe in another day or so, I'll want this to actually be only 3 or 4 stars. But for now, it's okay.

Not for everyone, and your life won't have a huge hole in it if you never see this. But also not something to hunt down and watch.
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Cult Following (II) (2021)
6/10
Not bad. Has its moments.
7 September 2021
I enjoy people who tell the story THEY want to tell, and this was definitely one of those. No one was trying to fit an agenda, no one was trying to reach the broadest audience possible, no one was trying to have the perfect Hollywood ending.

I liked it. I liked the end.

Parts did kinda drag on, and the tone wavered a little too much and kept taking me back out of the story. Sometimes I didn't know if I was supposed to be laughing because the scene was MEANT to be that way, or if it was just a flaw in the acting/directing.

I'd say it's definitely worth at least one watch, and definitely when you're not looking for something intensely gripping.
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Vicious Fun (2020)
8/10
Perhaps a little niche, but oh so much fun
31 August 2021
The writer speaks through one of the characters to describe horror movies, and how the genre has subgenres that can shock and surprise, and be downright delightful. This movie IS a downright delightful genre-blending deconstruction.

It's funny, but not goofy. It's gory and a little campy. It's very much the spawn of people who love the old exploitation and slasher flicks. The aesthetic is just generically 80s enough that any flaws or incongruities are easy to overlook.

I really enjoyed it, but I can see this not being a good fit for general audiences. Not in that "you won't get it", but in that people who love these kinds of tropes and movies will have a better time.

The camerawork was good, blending modern and old styles, as was the lighting. I really enjoyed the soundtrack, even though it wasn't wholly 80s to me. And the performances were really good, being as exactly over-the-top as they needed to be when necessary.

So, I fully recommend this as a good fun time that isn't mocking the slasher/psycho/exploitation films, but just having a hardy good show.
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Jolt (2021)
4/10
All right, so long as you don't pay attention
24 July 2021
It's slick. It's pretty. Most of the performances are pretty decent.

But no amount of cinematography and soundtrack can disguise the thin excuse for a story.

As long as I kept myself from thinking about it, the pretty colors were distracting and entertaining. It works as another lazy evening background noise.

However, any amount of thought unravels the entire thing, and it's not even cheesy fun anymore. Plus, the ending is downright stupid.

Not the worst, but there have to be a dozen better versions available to stream right this moment.
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Marathon (2021)
2/10
Unfunny and not clever
17 July 2021
I like mockumentaries, but this one is a travesty. I don't blame the actors, because I think most of them did the best they could, but the writing is terrible. There are no funny jokes, and the characters are just the worst kind of stereotypes. I'm not sure how a movie that's not even 90 minutes could take as long as it did.
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Pig (I) (2021)
4/10
Long artful drama, no thrills
17 July 2021
Warning: Spoilers
There are some things to be said about loss and obsession and how we bury ourselves to avoid pain/discomfort...but there are only a few moments of that, and lots of long drawn-out nothingness. There are plenty of beautiful, dialogue-free scenes, but by the end of the movie, I suspected they were just to pad the run time and give a facade of greater meaning.

By the end, I felt completely let down by a rather shallow film.

It's not one of those weird arthouse movies that's trying to be edgy or anything, but I felt like it was attempting to use artistry in place of a story, and that someone confused slice-of-life with depressing and nihilistic.

Definitely not for someone looking for an actual story or a thriller, and definitely not any kind of action or suspense. I am actually weary after getting through 90 minutes and not having a payoff.

Mostly I'm left with this aching question of why a rare foods vendor had a truffle pig stolen. That makes the 'conclusion' even more perplexing and dissatisfying. The inciting event for the entire movie is the pig theft, but there was no reason for the pig to be stolen in the first place. And if that had no point, what was the point of anything else?
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Knifecorp (2021)
2/10
Clearly written by an AI
16 July 2021
There is no way this was written by people who wanted to tell an entertaining story. Granted, there are the very vaguest bones of an idea hiding beneath the bloated flesh of what actually happens, but none of them really come to the surface.

Acting is barely passable. All technical aspects seem to be done professionally enough. The house is a gorgeous setting. But the script and 'humor' and 'horror' are giant fails.

This didn't lean hard enough into the comedy aspects, so the caricatures come across as insulting stereotypes. Nor did it lean hard enough into the horror aspects, meaning it wasn't gruesome or creepy. Characters were stupidly flawed, cell service failure was yada-yada 'a dead zone', and nothing really made sense. Even the twist and follow up were hollow and weak.

I truly believe that whomever was in charge expected that having some horror icons in the cast would elevate this to cult status and all the numerous flaws would be overlooked. But nothing about the movie hits that cult, spoof, self-aware, cheesiness that it was looking for.
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Super Hot (2021)
5/10
Fairly entertaining
16 July 2021
Warning: Spoilers
I liked the cast. There was something very relatable about the dialogue, but that's probably the nerd in me. Enjoyable and quirky.

However, it did kinda drag, and some jokes lingered too long to really be funny. I also felt like there was a line or two missing about how the girls were vampires but not already immortal.

I do consider it watchable, and though I'll probably never watch it again, I AM looking forward to the sequel. So I hope they make it.
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4/10
All style, zero substance
15 July 2021
I really liked the cast, though I disliked how the director had Karen Gillan tying to be too deadpan and badass in the first act. It made her seem like a poor actress, but I've seen too much of her so I know it wasn't her fault.

The movie has a neat aesthetic, but it really borrowed far too much from previous movies in a similar genre. There was some John Wick, Shoot 'Em Up, Desperado, The Professional, Kill Bill, and more. The three Librarians even reminded me of the ladies from A Wrinkle In Time.

The hodgepodge story also meant that the tone varied. Far too many scenes that would have been fine in an actual comedy, but then the movie would whiplash back to the borderline drama-action.

I don't totally hate it, but there were some lines at the end that just stuck in my craw as unnecessary. Like some producer somewhere said "Oh yeah, we need to make sure people understand this is about smashing the patriarchy." Didn't actually lower the score, but it rankled after the somewhat mess of a movie had concluded.

Worth a watch once so long as you go in knowing that it will remind you of all the other movies like this.
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8/10
If Guy Ritchie made a version of Romeo and Juliet
11 July 2021
That right there tells you what you need to know. If you don't like Ritchie's movies or Shakespeare's tragedies, then this probably isn't for you.

However, I do like both of those guys, so I really enjoyed this movie. The narration was just right to help move the story along and keep it a little lighter. I enjoyed the animated sequences for backstory.

I also really like the performances. The leads were great individually, and their chemistry really matched the lost love story of their characters. I think everyone played their parts right, and the script really supported them.

A much better adaptation of Romeo and Juliet than I've ever seen.
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The Nest (2021)
2/10
Written by body-snatching insects...
9 July 2021
...and clearly not by humans who have ever taken part in doing human things. I mean, who puts their child in therapy because she's 'making up' her stomach aches before taking her to a doctor?

The dialogue is painfully cliched, stilted, and just plain bad. The actors (even Dee Wallace) can't do anything to lift it up out of the garbage. While the director clearly thinks he's doing sublime work, too many of the shots are boring and lack the tension that was clearly the aim. There's a spoiler scene in the opening that pretty much takes away all potential build-up to creepiness, and ruins what could have been an all-right slow burn reveal.

Between the bad acting and the worse dialogue, I had no one that I could sympathize with. The characters were pretty unlikeable, whether they were body snatched or not.

And it was boring. The movie took forever, and not in any type of good way. If what another reviewer said is true that this is two separate stories that were edited together, it really shows. And it manages to do neither of them well. Or even good.
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Till Death (I) (2021)
6/10
Enjoyable at least once
4 July 2021
I enjoyed watching this. The thriller part was pretty standard fare with a few really good moments, and I would say the same thing with the acting. Paced well enough that the story never dragged, and it didn't try to stay around too long.

One of the things I really enjoyed was the hints of dark comedy. I think had this really embraced those hints and gone full dark comedy, it could be as rewatchable as Heathers or Very Bad Things. As it currently is, I wouldn't go out of my way to see it again. But I also wouldn't turn it off if it were playing in the background.

I also liked how her character survives by her wits, not by physically beating the guys.

The ending also has one tiny little open-ended part that sold this for me. I didn't hate this, and I didn't love it, but I DID love the very end.
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Claw (2021)
7/10
I was sold by the tagline.
3 July 2021
Based on the actual quality of the movie and the writing, probably only 3 or 4 stars. Based on how much I enjoyed myself, 10 stars. So, split the difference.

I've watched movies with much higher production that took themselves far too seriously, and thus were worse than Claw. This movie was a bunch of people having fun, with a silly little story and some good humor.

Definitely not for everyone. More of a cult comedy thing, where you shouldn't take any of it serious and should just sit back and not think for an hour.
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The Ice Road (2021)
3/10
Even sheer boredom can't make me sit still for this
26 June 2021
"What if Ice Road Truckers had to deal with industrial espionage?" I mean, that sounds like a premise that could kill 90 minutes with flashy colors and cheesy lines.

But somehow, this movie still isn't that good. I had to get up several times to do anything else. Inexpertly written and directed, with made for tv graphics, and no sense of time or reality. Character motivations and reactions are as thin and melodramatic as any daytime soap opera, and just as predictable.

I did enjoy seeing the big old Kenworth's fishtailing their trailers and sliding around. It wasn't at all realistic to the movie, and didn't do a thing to add to the 'excitement', but at least they were practical effects. I appreciated the stuntmen behind the wheel of the rigs.
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Night Shift (I) (2021)
8/10
Funny and heartfelt
18 June 2021
Because it's an Aussie film, the comedy is different than a lot of American flicks. But it's got its amusing parts, and the actors are pretty good. Definitely has some Clerks vibes to it, and one of the youngsters is wearing a Clerks shirt in case the viewer doesn't quite pick up on it.

The plot is a pretty straightforward "what else can go wrong", but it's interspersed with these flashbacks revealing how the guys got to where they are now. Because the two timelines are mixed, I actually thought it kept the pacing just right to draw me along at the right speed. And I actually fell for the twist, so the writer/director got an extra large laugh out of me for that.

What really sold me was the honesty and realism of their loss. Having lost my own mom when I was young, I know that it does you for a loop, and the opening narration is spot on for how it feels. Yes, this is a comedy in that a silly situation resolves itself all perfectly with no real repercussions, but I think the opening and closing narrations are the REAL story. Everything else is just a fun ride on the way to that. I gave an extra star for the hidden emotions and truth.
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The Deep Ones (2020)
2/10
Cthulhu and Dagon are not interchangeable
17 June 2021
This could have been a mostly mediocre movie that killed the time but was never anything special. I liked the bones of the concept, and taking on a more female cosmic fear of being mother to monsters.

But the score irredeemably dropped by mixing up the mythos AND by having a book of Lovecraft stories in the movie without explanation. Like, was Lovecraft actually a prophet and all these people clued into the truth via his writings? And since I was already mad at that, I was cheesed off that it was very obviously from the public library, but on the old man's shelf as if it were a collectible.

The acting is bad, but about on par with cheesy horror. The script certainly doesn't do them any favors, and the directing is mostly boring but then tries way too hard. The pacing is awful, and the 'creepiness' is from some flailing tentacles and over-the-top 'bizazrre' reactions. The practical Deep One effects on the community members - of which there were not enough to be properly inspired by Shadow Over Innsmouth - looked like they came from Spirit Halloween.

So, what would have normally been a merely lame movie is kind of an insult to the Lovecraft genre. Maybe the writers should have done more than skimmed the Wiki about the mythos to get their ideas.
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Dragon Fury (2021)
1/10
Bad rip-off of Dog Soldiers but with 'dragons'
16 June 2021
Warning: Spoilers
This movie (a generous description) is bad on so many levels, and I can't even give it the caveat of "at least they were trying to tell their own story". Because they weren't. It slowly becomes more obvious that they wanted to make a bigger, meaner Dog Soldiers, and I'm fairly certain the ' twist reveal' is just a slightly reworded version of the reveal in that movie.

The acting is slightly below average. About what I expect from low budget films. The characters are quite unbelievable, and they're so poorly written. I mean, who is told they have to bring two trusted soldiers with them into the wilderness to hunt a creature and chooses to bring the 'soldier' who needs crutches to walk around? It's not like it was some hacking mission and she was the only computer expert you could get.

The script isn't doing the actors any favors with lines like "It won't be like last time" and "I don't blame you for what happened that last time", yet we never know what happened on that last mission that would cause these three women to have such PTSD and trust issues. Also, I don't think it's common for military types to call each other by first names like they're at a family gathering.

The plot itself is thin, and nothing supports it at all. Just lots of egregious errors that reveal how amateur everyone was. And, again, there isn't even the caveat of them having a story but no budget. Problems like:

-These three soldiers are supposed to go capture a reported creature, yet they bring no hunting or trapping supplies with them. Were they just going to ask the creature to politely buckle up in the back of their SUV? Do any of them have experience tracking an animal in the wild? Shouldn't they have sat phones and surveillance equipment and other things for a hunting expedition?

-There's a dragon 'nest', which was just a prop egg in the middle of a clump of grass near a rock. No one on the production even bothered to make a little ring of rocks or sticks to indicate it was a nest. And from the point of view of someone who knows stuff about animals, it was one of the worst places to build a nest to begin with.

-The scientist in charge says he can't tell if this is an insect, reptile, or bird egg - but whomever was in charge of props couldn't pretend to make it look like anything other than a giant chicken egg.

-Said egg eventually hatches and the baby gets out, but then nothing ever comes of there being a baby dragon. It's not like the adult stops attacking because they had their baby back, nor does the baby get a surprise kill because no one expected it to be hiding in the house with them.

-After one brief dragon attack, the head scientist suddenly knows all about what kind of hunters these dragons are, and what they are and aren't capable. Watching one woman get pounced on does not convey superior intelligence or tactics.

-For some reason there are B-plots about radiation (though two of the characters carry the K1 pills in a little baggie like they're tabs of molly) and the dragons being psychic. Neither seem to really influence anything, and neither get resolved. Especially the psychic noise from the dragons. What could have been an interesting tool for the team to use is pointless and just gives an excuse for one of the characters to scream and moan while everyone else thinks she's crazy.

I'm not taking any stars away for the bad computer graphics (they looked like something from late Playstation 1 graphics, maybe early PS2) because I understand that low-budget means you work with what you have. However, I AM taking away stars because there's only one creature that ever actually looks like a dragon. The character design was outrageously bad, and no one would look at the bipedal vulture-scorpion-thing and think to themselves "That's a dragon!" It looked more like a gargoyle in size and shape, and it didn't look like it could grow up to become the dragon that is finally shown at the end.

Pass on this. Hard. It doesn't have a long runtime, but it drags on forever. The only thing memorable is how much I hated myself for enduring it.
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The Misfits (2021)
3/10
The Dollar Store version of The Italian Job, but worse
11 June 2021
I have no idea who the intended audience was. I'd suggest that maybe it was for people unfamiliar with coherent stories and have short attention spans, but that would be an insult to people unfamiliar with coherent stories and have short attention spans.

The comedy wasn't funny, and tried too hard. Nick Cannon was atrocious, having neither the charisma of Will Smith nor Key&Peele's ability to work a caricature. Brosnan kept using weird accents for no reason, and was played off like he isn't 15 years too old to be a sex symbol. Sometimes there was supposed to be something resembling drama, but it was like a watered-down melodrama that didn't know what it was supposed to be about. Slapstick vomit humor that stayed long past its welcome.

This has a nonsensical 'plot' that should never have been committed to thought, let alone given screen time. Even the most generic heist movie plot is more solid than this, with much better payoffs. As someone in a previous review said might happen, I DID indeed ask myself often "What even is this?" So much so that as I continued to waste my time, the 'movie' lost a star. Should have only been a 4, maybe 4.5, but it just kept getting worse.

I can't even recommend it as a fun way to hang out with friends and get intoxicated.
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