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shadowmsk-1
Reviews
Asylum of Terror (1998)
Unkind, man. Haunted houses are the stuff!
In this world of community theater throwbacks, the man who has the camera pointed at him the most is king. Here's the plot...random people in random locations getting killed randomly. The audio comes to us direct from Peanuts. Dean, the "hero", is the towns top haunted house worker, making his pay only slightly lower than that of a late night bus stop janitor. Of course, this makes him highly desirable. When he finds the first murder, the person he is with wants to find the murderer to stop him. Dean's first reaction is to throw up, cry, then wet himself. Eventually, after a lot of nothing happens, they find the killer. Again, the girl he's with wants to stop the killer as it's two on one. Our fearless hero's argument against this is that the killer is amateurishly wielding a small icepick. Dean waits until the killer is distracted by trying to kill an doughy ham of a child, then makes his move with a chainsaw. Oh yeah, there was something about a fire and a ghost or something, but in the end it doesn't matter, nor do we care
Satan's Children (1975)
Small underpants, large hair, and...oh yeah...SATAN!
***SPOILERS*** ***SPOILERS*** All this and more can be found in Satans Children. Bobby, a perpetually be-underpanted greasy young man, has conflicting feelings of hatred and incestuous love for his sister. She also both hates and loves her sibling in a greasy Florida way. Bobby runs away from home because his mustacheoed and equally greasy father makes him do chores and is promptly violated by gay thugs. He is found on the road by a group of good samaratin satanists. Some like him, some dont, most don't care. Those who don't send their evil cult master a satanic message telling to come back. He does, and promptly informs bed-ridden Bobby that he's a loser with a sore a$$ and satan only wants winners. Oh yeah, we're informed that satan hates gay people. Bobby proves his evil satanic non-loser non-gay status by rolling around in his tiny underpants, outwitting dumb guys, and beheading his father. All this time the satanist girl that took him in has been fed to fire ants. This isn't really explained but hey, what do you expect...they're evil! Anyway, Bobby crucifies his sister, saves his girlfriend from the ants, and is accepted as part of the satanist colony and is therefore a winner. We are left to contemplate this over a stillshot of the crucified sister for about a day and a half.