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Reviews
John Carter (2012)
A Must-See For Sci-Fi Fans
I don't care what you've heard; this is a much better film than it's ever given credit for, and deserved at least one sequel. If you've ever actually READ the series, by the great sci-fi writer Edgar Rice Burroughs, you know that there's a wealth of detail in these stories, which could rival LOTR or Harry Potter.
DO NOT confuse this one with a lame attempt made some time ago, called "A Princess of Mars." It "starreed" Traci Lord, who may have been hot stuff in the porn biz but didn't have the looks to be Deja, nor could she act her way out of a paper bag. And the "special effects" and "costuming" were barely a shade above awful, as well.
No, this picture -- for some odd reason simply titled "John Carter" until the very end credit -- is a right proper telling of the Burroughs classic, though of course there's a few differences from the original book version. Nothing to be terribly upset about, however, and this film had the right cast, and the budget to make it happen. WATCH THIS ONE!
Avatar (2009)
Great visuals; plot sucks.
Yes, everyone went all ga-ga when this film came out, and the visual effects are the reason why. Film makers created a magnificently beautiful, imaginative, and well thought out alien world. In that regard, it was the "Star Wars" of the 21st century; special effects were truly ground-breaking.
That said, I must also point out that this film "fell off the radar" fairly rapidly, and there is one reason for that: an incredibly awful plot.
The "plot" boils down to this: Evil, greedy Whites oppress lovely indigenous noble savages. They're out to steal their natural resources for the sake of cash and send in a spy, with the intention of lying, cheating, stealing, and if necessary, killing the natives.
I am SOOOOO sick of that tired old song.
If you're Jewish, you may be tired of hearing about hook-nosed Hebes all being greedy, money-lending cheats. If you're Black, you may be tired of hearing about how you're all dope-pushing, welfare-sucking rappers that don't know who their fathers were. Well, I find this film just as offensive to me, as a White man -- a member of the most discriminated-against minority on Earth -- for pretty much the same reasons.
If you can manage to ignore all that, then by all means, enjoy Avatar. Otherwise: ignore it.
Planet of the Apes (2001)
A brilliant, whimsical spectacle
I must thoroughly disagree with others who didn't like this one. Except about the fantastic overall look and special effects, far above the original -- after all, special effects and make-up have come a long way since 1968.
It is not a copy of the original. It gives a nod to the original in several places, rather obviously, and with a bit of whimsical tongue-in-cheek; apparently Charlton Heston agreed, and I trust I need not elaborate.
I actually rate this one as a 9.5, and would have gone to ten, but for the unclear ending; they were obviously looking for something that would have the impact of the Statue of Liberty showing up, half buried, as we saw in the first film; this one falls a bit short in that regard, and while I could "figure it out," it should have been more simple and obvious. It wasn't.
Helena Bonham Carter pretty much walks away with this one, as she makes about the cutest chimp anyone can imagine. Again, I trust I need not elaborate; just why Our Hero would leave this world, I dunno. The two finest babes on the planet both wanted him. Guess humans aren't really all that smart, after all.
The Wicker Man (2006)
A Hideous Piece of Trash
Unfortunately, there is no category lower than 1, or I would have given it. This "remake" bears absolutely no resemblance to the original 1973 version. The original was a thriller with pagan overtones, clearly written by people who had done their homework. They did not seek to present a genuine modern pagan viewpoint, but they worked hard to capture the essential flavor, even including a bit of dry humor, right at the beginning. The credits that read, "We would like to thank the people of Summerisle for a look into their religious practices," that sort of thing.
This sorry bit of bilge does nothing of the sort. It is simply an exercise in anti-male misogynism. Phony feminism carried to its ultimate level of ridiculousness. Not a single male "resident" ever utters a line, which no doubt saved the producers a fortune but did nothing to establish this film's credibility, which it sorely needed. As a movie which has nothing to do with The Wicker Man, it's a loser, in its own right. The original is a brilliant classic; this one's a lame poser, that has none of the original's insight or TLC. Puke-O-Rama, kids.
Dick Tracy Meets Gruesome (1947)
Hmm, about what you'd expect ...
Like many low-budget serials, this one is about as bad as you'd expect, looking more like some of the flaky stuff that had been done ten years previously. The one shining light in this thing is, of course, Karloff. Watch it for him, and it's good for a grin.
Bear in mind, this has no relation to actual law or police procedure! Tracy and his pal whip out those .38's and fire, no matter what the surroundings, and for little reason. He breaks into a professor's house and searches it, all without benefit of a warrant. There are dozens of other things that real cops wouldn't get away with today -- and I don't think they did back then, either!
But as long as you're not expecting "Gone With The Wind," it's good for a bit of fun.
Princess of Mars (2009)
Amazingly Bad.
It never ceases to amaze me that SyFy can produce so many made-for-TV movies that are incredibly bad. Sometimes it's budget, sometimes it's actors, sometimes it's directors, sometimes it's editing. In this case: all of the above.
Traci Lords may have been a porno superstar, but she should have stayed there; in this film, she proves once and for all that she's no actress. Antonio looks good, but is even worse as an actor than Brendan Fraser, "the lantern-jawed oaf."
Anyone who's read Burroughs knows that Tharks have four arms, and stand consieerably taller than humans. Hopefully, the new "John Carter" film will get it right; a combination of live action and CG is what's needed here. Make-up and special effects in this one weren't completely bad, but won't win any awards, either. The plot remains oddly disjointed, and this isn't helped by the confusing direction.
A great story from a great writer, this one had potential but threw it all away. Not worth nine cents, much less nine bucks.
Merlin and the Book of Beasts (2009)
Good movie, bad sound
First of all, this is NOT a re-telling of the Arthurian legend. Set in a later time, when the knights' children are grown, this is a fantasy piece that merrily mixes a lot of different sources, with little regard to historical or mythological accuracy. Nor does it matter; it's jolly good fun.
Unfortunately, it suffers from bad sound; James Callis remains largely mumbling and unintelligible throughout. A pity, since we know from "Battlestar Galactica" that he has an excellent voice and good delivery. I can only conclude that the grumbling and mumbling were his choice, and the poor recording makes it even worse. Apart from that, it's one of the best of Sci-Fi's "made for TV" movies. Special effects are several cuts above average, which is a breath of fresh air in such pieces.