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Reviews
The Toll (2021)
25 years too late
Reminiscent of the lock stock type of films of the late 90s but without any of the originality or ingenuity. Even the lead female character looked like Frances McDormand in Fargo. Ultimately pointless and woefully behind the times.
Benediction (2021)
A badly directed stereotyped mess.
Just so so dull. A boring, incoherent mess with no story whatsoever and the laziest gay stereotypes not a million miles away from Mr Humphrys in British 70s sitcom Are You Being Served. No character development at all and the lead character turns from his 20s to his 60s in a blink of an eye with no explanation.
Great as a substitute for sleeping tablets.
Jules et Jim (1962)
I'd rather watch Rosie and Jim
Come on, no one witters on like this. The dialogue comes across like a 14 year old attempting to write something in the style of Shakespeare, the trio come across like Mavis,Derek and Victor from Coronation Street in the 1980s and the whole thing is just so pretentious in a way that only French cinema can be. I can't believe that this is from the director of the 400 Blows, which is brilliant. At least 2 of the 3 have the decency to die.. Your eyes and ears deserve better.
Verdens verste menneske (2021)
Pretentious. Millennials are dullarrds.
Boring millennial can't make her mind up about which boring interchangeable millennial drip she fancies. Lots of laughable millennial angst then ensues with 3 highly unlikeable, needy soulless bores. If you actually grab life by the throat instead of pontificating and drowning in a sea of pseudo angst you may enjoy it. Oh, and the magic mushroom scene? How try hard.
Memoria (2021)
Pretententious BS. Worst film of the year nailed on in January
First of all, I don't mind slow films at all . Secondly I love things that tell different stories differently.
But I absolutely despised Memoria.
What we have here is a director who is under the misapprehension that, by focusing on a frame for an inordinately long time,it will provide it with a profound, deep
Meaning It won't if there's nothing there in the first place . The plot is ludicrous, the pacing is dire and the whole thing just feels like an excuse for Tilda Swinton to proof she can be a smart arse by speaking Spanish. Add in a New age prat of a male character who looks like Colonel Gaddafi after a weekend at a hippy retreat spouting 'profound' nonsense and you have a film you cannot humanly run far away enough from Tom and Jerry will provide you with a greater understanding of the human condition.
Boiling Point (2021)
'M6 mate's a film star!'
1. Bloke is low level filmmaker who happens to have a mate he grew up with who has turned into a British acting gem.
2. Bloke convinces said gem to act in his new film.
3. Bloke woefully underuses said gem in woefully underwritten story with nediocre cast.
4. Director tries to hide lack of story by convincing us that filming in one take is innovation. It isnt.
5. The end.
Ghahreman (2021)
Needs a better editor
OK, but 30 minutes too long, muddled and rather repetitive. A case of the director going ahead with something and thinking 'Ah , it's not great but my fan boys will lap it up.' This might work as a short film but definitely isn't worth 2 hours of your time Watch something else if you can.
Shepherd (2021)
Sheep s@!te
Indescribably bad. No plot, pacing or drama. Kate Dickie phoned in her part, sounding for all the world like a cross between the bored tour guide in The League of Gentlemen tv series and Pat Mustard in the Father Ted episode Speed 3. The lead actor was more wooden than the new forest and was acted off screen by his canine companion who was the only positive in this shambolic mess. If this counts as horror in 2021 count me out. Now, where's my copy of Don't Look Now?.......??
Sniegu juz nigdy nie bedzie (2020)
No story, pretentious mess
See above. An absolutely pointless film, with zero narrative, character development or, well, anything. I love arthouse films, but this is a stinker,and possibly the worst film I've seen this year.
French Exit (2020)
Merde
America, leave wit, subtlety and intelligence to the rest of the world,you just can't do it. A plotless mess which should never have got anywhere near a screen. Just don't waste those two hours, go and paint your shed, wash the car, become a Jehovah's witness, just don't watch this car crash.
A Quiet Place Part II (2020)
Garbage
Where do I start? No plot, no character development and they kill the same monster repeatedly. I know when I watch a Hollywood film that I (normally) won't be mentally challenged but this took the biscuit in terms of being utterly brain dead. Oh, and it isn't remotely scary. Hopefully the quiet will now turn to deathly silence, we really don't need any more pap like this. Shame on you Cillian Murphy .
Perfect 10 (2019)
Great actors, seriously underwritten story.
The talent of the two young actors is undeniable and I hope I see them in other films. The plot and writing, however, are weak and sometimes feel like they are trying to be something they aren't in a 'mockney geezer/ette written by a hipster ' way. I realise that this is a film about the relationship about a brother and sister, but the whole theme of gymnastics could have provided what was needed-focus. Not bad, but could have been better. If you want a superb British film about a tough teenage life watch Jellyfish or Babyteeth instead.
Make Up (2019)
Successful makeup application requires solid foundation...
But this film has none.
No story,incoherent plot, not able to work out what genres it wanted to be and blatentlytipping its hat to the ring and The Wicker Man, these are just many of the flaws that leave Make Up teetering on a layer of wafer thin foundation.
Most of all, the involvement of the BBC leaves me wondering if the director is married to//having an affair with or got serious diet on someone working there, as that's the only way I can imagine this car crash getting made.
I only give it 2 because some of the young cast show promise. The director could do with reading Film making for dummies before she inflicts another one of her'visions' on the world. Plot is not a dirty word.
Joker (2019)
I loathe superhero films but........
This was absolutely jaw dropping. If JP doesn't get best actor for this then the Oscars should be permanently disregarded as an absolute farce. Unlike 99.99% of mainstream films this was intelligent, is multi layered and has bucket loads to think about.. credit should be given to Warner bros for not issuing Deadpool part 26 and taking a chance on something extremely dark and very challenging for a mainstream audience. If anyone likes this, check out a documentary called Hail Satan? , which has a similar theme of examining 'otherness'. The best mainstream film of the decade for me.
Once Upon a Time in... Hollywood (2019)
Once upon a time a director.....
Vanished up his own arse for 161 minutes and stayed there. Plotless, witless drivel that even Leo and Brad cant save.i could go on but there's no point. Retire QT, you haven't made anything watchable since Inglorious Basterds.
Midsommar (2019)
A load of Swedish meatballs
Who has Ari Aster got dirt on to keep getting money to make films? This is such an obvious Wicker Man RIP that it's not even subtle. The problem is that it has none of the menace, pacing, plot or performances contained in aforementioned classic. Not to mention some of the worst gore effects this side of a troma film and some unintentionally hysterical moments that I'm sure dear Ari mistook for terror. I've seen scarier episodes of Sooty as a kid. Please stay away, he'll only make more otherwise.
Sometimes Always Never (2018)
The last tiles in the bag
There is absolutely nothing to this film. Thin story, underdeveloped characters and a meandering pace. It tries to be smart and 'cool' by mixing the present with a 60s retro vibe which makes absolutely zero sense when the main character is playing online Scrabble half of the time. Quite what Bill Nighy was doing in this Ill thought out meandering mess is anyone's guess. To use a Scrabble analogy, it's like drawing 7 consanants with no vowels. Avoid.
The Greatest Showman (2017)
Garbage
Hideous music by numbers that is way over produced, badly written, poorly acted and emotionally bankrupt with some truly hideous 'I'm proud to be me' moments. I watched this to the end thinking that there was going to be a great reveal or some sudden depth, but nope. Not a glimmer.
With all of the great musicals our there I can think of no reason to recommend this absolute steamer. I'm baffled how this has garnered such a following. Now, Where's my Grease blu ray?
The Favourite (2018)
Pretentious garbage
An incoherent, rambling shambolic mess and proof, if it were needed, that award ceremonies are bent. I'm not sure what I hated more, this or the same director's equally shambolic Killing of a Sacred Deer. I implore you,, STAY AWAY, this person might be let loose behind a camera again. Which would be a disaster. This was made worse by the fact that we saw the wonderful old man and the gun.
Halloween (2018)
Shalloween aka the rotten pumpkin
The original Halloween is in my top five films of all time. This may be in the bottom five. Even some of the sequels and the abysmal Rob Zombie reboots had some moments, but merely nodding in the direction of a loved classic does not a good film make. The first twenty minutes of the film could be dumped completely,and, come to think of it, so could the 90 that follow. The writer and director do not have an original idea between them and seen to delights in references to the original and virtually stopping the action to say 'See what I copied from the original there?"Aren't I clever?' As for Jamie lee's involvement, shame on her. Worst of all, the end has sequel written all over it. Now excuse me while I go and wash my eyes out with bleach.
The Rider (2017)
Nicely acted but dull
I'm all for quiet and understated and really wanted to like this. Sadly I didn't. Maybe it's because I've had a brain injury since birth but I just didn't see the tragedy or feel anything for anyone on screen. The cast were fabulous and hopefully we haven't seen the last of the lead and his sister, but hopefully they'll be supported by some more interesting material. This isn't a bad Film, it's just a so what film.